Sunday, February 19, 2006

Take 2

I posted something earlier that was hostile and angry. In the past 2 hours, I've had some alone time to think and have decided to rewrite/reword/rethink the situation. I removed the post.

I have serious trust issues. Beyond serious. Terminal, even. I watched my mother leave two men after affairs - it cost me my Dad and my StepDad of 20 years. I learned that my grandparents marriage was a pack of lies. I heard lie after lie after lie from my family growing up. It did some damage. When EH betrayed me, it was the final straw. Here was the first, and only person, I had ever believed in and trusted with all of my heart. When he lied to me for 6 months to have his fling and I found out, I was beyond devastated. I lost my baby over it. In my mind, lies and betrayal equal devastation and the loss of things that matter to me.

I've been trying desperately to trust PC. Not only because I love him, but because I need to be able to trust someone again. I need it so much - well, you just can't imagine. I need to love someone and have them love me back and I need to know I can count on them. When you don't have that in your life - with anyone - not friend, family or lover, you feel so desperately alone and lost and broken.

You know PC is away this weekend. That increases my anxiety, but I was coping pretty well. Not fantastic, but that is something that would come with time. All told, I was doing okay.

I use Trillian for instant messaging. It let's me connect to AOL, Yahoo, MSN - all of them in one easy place so I can keep all of my "buddies" connected. When PC IMed me earlier tonight, he had his web cam on and in order for me to see it I had to log off Trillian and log into Yahoo directly. After we had chatted, I got booted and Yahoo closed on me.

I reopened the program and clicked connect. The login information was pre-entered. As it turns out, it wasn't mine. It was PC's log on.

Now, PC connects to Yahoo around the clock in our home. Never a problem. Almost always on with no odd occurences.

Tonight...not so much.

The instant it connected I was bombarded, and I mean bombarded with the slutty spammy IMs from women. "Miss me (x)?" "Hiya gorgeous (x)!" "Click here to see me naked!"

Now, I'm a tad computer savvy. If this doesn't happen usually in our home, then suddenly happens tonight - odds are good that PC's been in chat rooms or something like that, right? There's just no other explanation, is there? 14 messages in 3 minutes today, but never any other time?

I called him and asked about it and he assured me he hadn't done anything. Then, after 10-15 minutes the messages stopped as suddenly as they had started. Let me guess...chat room exited? Was I lied to? Which part was the lie? That he did anything? That he love(s)/(ed) me?

I can't describe my thoughts right now. I'm torn between two things: Love him without ever trusting him (or anyone, for that matter) or leave him and just stay away from relationships which only seem to reopen old wounds for me.

I'm hurt, I can't deny that. I want so much to believe him, but after what I've been through and what it cost me, I just can't. I can't. Maybe I never can.

I've been down this road, and I'll be damned if I'm doing it again. I honestly couldn't survive it.

Love him or leave him? Or do I choose door #3?

I never wanted to feel this way again. The doubts, the hurt, the questions.

Posted by Red :: 11:50 PM :: | ---------------------------------------