Tuesday, November 15, 2005
I've now received my 3rd unsolicited email from Rhonda (EH's other woman) and although she no longer has the power to so much as annoy me it seems like a logical move to dump her along with the rest of the changes.
So...this blog will be retired. Chapter closed. Because when you "clean house", you have to first remove the rubble, the debris and of course, the trash.
I'll probably start a new blog in the near future because it helps me to chronicle my thoughts and share them, but this one I think has drawn to an end.
Posted by Red ::
12:12 PM ::
Monday, November 14, 2005
(Insert Jaws Theme Song Here)
A pesky little email surfaced in my gmail account over the weekend, perfectly illustrating many points in my mind. I decided to share it here since some of you have been reading since the days of yore and are privvy to the past-drama and how it has shaped the present.
The "other woman" that EH had the affair with last year emailed me to accuse me of "digging up information on her and contacting her ex".
In my spare time, between surviving an intense natural disaster that reduced my home to rubble, coping without electric for 2 weeks, moving, sleeping on friend's couches and ending my marriage, somehow I am believed to have found the time and resources to play Nancy Drew and stalk this non-entity of hate from the past.
I'm a multi-tasker, sure, but this is a bit ambitious even for me.
First, I'm thrilled her ex found out, and I personally hope that he makes her life every bit the living hell that she once made mine. But beyond that, she is below worthless to me.
Nothing is the same in my life. My home, my marriage, my career, my family have all been reformed and truthfully - the future looks bright.
But first, some hard times to finish out...EH and I concluded the discussions and the final decision was made to end the marriage. EH is surviving, but hurting and I'm doing all I can to make it easy for him. He's been so kind and understanding that I am confident we will remain on excellent terms for SG. Beyond that, I think we could genuinely be friends.
PlayBoy has been hinting at a new name. He feels that he has outgrown his "playboy" status with his promises to me and has asked me a few times when he'll get a new name. I had held off, but in light of moving forward, I have finally settled on one for him. I warn you that it's cliche, tacky and not-even-remotely-original, but it is fitting.
PB can become PC for Prince Charming. Because, truthfully, he makes me feel a bit like Cinderella. PC is a very handsome, incredibly charming, successful and brilliant man who has long worn the image of a PlayBoy. His capacity for love has shocked me immensely. Between declarations of undying love, song lyrics, marriage proposals, Tahitian vacation planning and an incredible desire to take care of all of my needs, worries and anxieties - this new monicker fits well. I still have to admit to being a bit in awe at being the one to win his heart. PC counts former Miss Texas beauty queens, Senators daughters' and other notables among his previous flames. I have literally seen women throw themselves at him. He's educated, ambitious and full of plans for a brilliant future - and I hope to be at his side to see them to fruition.
I know that it will take time for you to "accept" the dramatic role changes on this blog and I'll weigh the decision to move this blog carefully should it seem right...
Posted by Red ::
2:46 PM ::
Friday, November 11, 2005
The Kindest Cuts
Yesterday was hard.
I know EH's birthday just plain sucked. I wouldn't have wished it on anyone. I tried - I really did - but he's been hurting so much.
EH has been so kind and understanding. But I can't help but feel that the end is near. I wish I could do something to have him taken care of for life - give him millions of dollars, introduce him to the Swedish Bikini team...something to give him happiness. He said he feels like I am moving into another situation and he just has this void in front of him.
Somehow we're closer and yet so much further apart. I hope we never lose the special bond we have between us. I dread telling SG. She's not going to take it well.
I don't know what the next step is, but I expect we'll find out this weekend.
Posted by Red ::
10:42 AM ::
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
Another Day, Another Heartache
And on it goes.
EH is still in pain and that causes me great pain. The truly ironic thing is that now he has a much greater concept of how I felt last year...except, of course, that I was pregnant. And that I had his affair chronicled in emails and blogged in great detail for my reading pleasure. I understand exactly how curiosity killed the cat.
But this wasn't about revenge. And it's not about PB. It's more about...well, me.
Tomorrow, in a cosmic matter of piss-poor timing, is EH's birthday. Feel free to drop him a birthday greeting at firstname.lastname@example.org.
The condo is working out nicely. We're still living in boxes and salvaging damp belongings from the rubble when we can. No cable, no dsl, no phone yet...everything is seriously backed up from the storm.
SG LOVES her new school - and I am really impressed with it myself so far!
This post sucks, I know. I tried...
Posted by Red ::
4:32 PM ::
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
Hurting EH last night was without a doubt the hardest thing I have ever done. And at the same time, so relieving to be honest.
Tensions are high. Particularly with EH, PlayBoy and myself working in the same place. Everyone is stepping lightly. I feel like a complete jerk for bringing this on people I care for. I never expected any of this, but here it is.
PlayBoy really should have a new name, but I am not ready to change it just yet. The term no longer fits him exactly since he has committed himself 100% in pursuit of being with me. Still, to keep the story straight, we'll keep him as Playboy for now.
EH suffered last night and all I could do was be there. I would have given my life to make it not hurt him. He blames himself. I blame myself. There's a lot of blame, isn't there?
Tonight, I am having dinner with CB. Remember CrazyBoss? She's offering me something new. At this point, it's worth listening.
PlayBoy's wife is also suffering. Their marriage has been over for many years, but he had always planned to stick it out for the boys. Now he wants out and his wife is afraid. She's never had to work, although she has a teacher's license. She strikes me as a very money-driven woman and I've seen her be very unkind to Playboy. I don't like her, but I feel for her as much as I do for the rest of us.
EH wants to save the marriage, but I wonder if he will feel the same when the shock dulls a bit. He commented that "all he knew was us" and it struck me that this was really indicative of how I have been feeling. It wasn't a declaration of love, but rather a dependency. Feeling like the main salary earner, caregiver and decision maker is my biggest problem. EH is very easy going but lacks any motivation to get ahead in life. I've pushed him for 10 years and I'm just tired. Burnt out.
I love EH, but I've lost so much ability inside of myself to be his wife. Even as he hurt openly last night, I felt so dead inside.
PlayBoy is hurting too, I can tell. His wife is crying and he's not sleeping and he's worrying over me. His feelings for me are unchanged though and I have to admit to being rather impressed by it all.
Playboy isn't to blame and I really need to make that clear. If we were both single, this would be a no-brainer. But we're not. And unfortunately this has caused us to both realize all of the things that are wrong in our marriages and lives and find a choice in front of us both.
SG is unaware and adjusting well to her new school like the trooper she is.
I'm a ball of nerves all around. Trying my best to focus on work today and not do anymore damage.
I appreciate not being blasted in comments, by the way. Everyone has been understanding and kind.
Posted by Red ::
10:58 AM ::
Monday, November 07, 2005
Am I My Mother's Daughter?
There's a question that's been on my mind lately. Am I my mother's daughter?
My mother destroyed her 2nd marriage to my stepfather, a good man, because she wanted/needed more in her life. After, she turned hard, cold, distant and seriously bi-polar.
Am I my mother's daughter? Is that going to be me?
I've learned a lot about myself in the past few weeks. The last year and a half has taken a far greater toll on me than I had realized. When facing a situation that would normally tear me apart, I just seem to go numb inside. Cold. I don't feel all the things I should feel. I don't feel the pain or the fear.
Tonight, EH and I are scheduled to have a talk. A serious talk. I've avoided blogging about it because I was trying to figure it all out on my own and since EH reads this, it seemed unkind to unload my thoughts here.
I don't expect the talk to go well. In truth, by the end of it, my marriage will more than likely be over. And I'm prepared for that. All I feel is sorry. I don't want to hurt EH. I never want him hurt. I love him - and I always will. But things have changed.
Maybe it was all we went through. Maybe somehow losing the house was my final straw. Maybe it's him. Maybe it's me. Maybe it's both of us, neither of us...does anyone really know why a marriage fails?
And yes, PlayBoy is a central figure. But you knew that, didn't you? Maybe it's the fact that I was able to talk to him when I felt so closed off from everyone else. Maybe his need to make my life better. Maybe the way he keeps saying he wants to take care of me when no one ever has and I have always had to take care of everyone else. Maybe it was when he told me he was in love with me - this unobtainable man who has broken hearts as long as I have known him and sworn he could never fall in love. Maybe it's the fact that my daughter can sleep in her bed under a roof he put over her head.
I don't know. I just know that it's been this huge relief to me to have someone who loves me, understands me and doesn't want me to be his mother.
I'm hurting too, somewhere...I don't feel it now. Maybe later I will.
I'm sorry I let you down. But I am relieved to finally be honest. I expect the unhappy comments. I expect the shock, anger and barbs. It's okay. I deserve them and I won't be able to feel them anyway. EH is a good, good man but maybe in many ways he lost me when he hurt me last year. This wasn't revenge - I never expected to find myself here.
But here I am. My mother's daughter. I wonder if she'd be proud now.
Posted by Red ::
5:14 PM ::
Friday, November 04, 2005
The Stroke of Midnight
My bp is 222/132 - the highest I have seen it and honestly, now I am worried. I'll be making a dr.'s appointment come Monday. I just need to get this move completed.
The Billy Idol concert was okay. I had trouble enjoying it. EH and I are still not connecting and the tension between us seems to be mounting. During the concert he became very possessive, which is unusual for him, and was so "grabby" that he was pushing me around more than the slam-dancing strangers. One guy was joking with me about how we kept getting bumped into each other and we kidded that we were actually dancing. Within moments, EH pushed between us and gave the man a withering glare. The man asked EH if I was his "girlfriend" and EH said "No" in a cold way and turned his back.
Gman got properly plastered and I had to lug his gigantic, sweaty frame to the car under the guise of walking arm in arm. He must weigh 280, so it was no easy task.
Stress at work is high. Stress at home is high. I don't see any of it going away anytime soon, but I really need to get into my OWN bed tonight.
We're leaving tonight to go grab our beds and put them in the new condo. I'll try to post pictures soon. I'm so excited...I love this place. I really do...
I have this awful suspicion that this weekend is going to be a bad one. Call it a premonition.
I really appreciate all of the encouragement from you all, but the truth is - I don't deserve it. I'm bound to let you down, bloggies. I won't mean to, or want to, but it's coming. I think the wheels of change may be starting a turn.
I just hope it's the right one.
Posted by Red ::
4:20 PM ::
Thursday, November 03, 2005
Honesty...Such a Lonely Word
I'm surviving...sort of.
My blood pressure is 222/133. Not good. I see a hospital visit in my future.
It looks like we can move into the condo this weekend. I went and saw it again last night and it's still the most beautiful place I have ever dreamed of living in.
EH and I are not doing well. With the intense stress in my life at the moment, my response is to be withdrawn and he feels that I should be more exceptionally loving towards him. He keeps saying he never sees me - which drives me batty since we work together and are together every night (mostly). I think what he really means is that we never see each other alone...which is just not possible when we have no place to be alone. In the past 11 days I have been "spoken to" about my lack of affection 3 times, always in the middle of the night (which would be fine if I had more than a cumulative of 12 hours sleep in the past 11 days). At the moment, it's another pressure for me. Perform! Swoon! Pay attention to me! That's usually my role and the reversal is driving us further apart. I keep begging him to just give me space and wait out the current situation but he's not holding up well. And instead of inspiring romance, it's making me want to just scream.
The problem is, I'm just cold and numb inside lately. I have no idea if this is permanent or temporary. I've never gone numb like this before.
PlayBoy and I had an honesty issue yesterday that shook me up more than I had thought possible. We discussed it and he opened up and I think we're communicating much clearer now. I hope so. I have a lot of my life resting on his words right now and at this point, I need to keep believing in him. He apologized and seemed deeply sorry that it had happened. He asked me to trust him again. We all know I have developed trust issues with people, so I agreed to not let this come between our friendship but I admitted that it had to be a wait and see matter with me. If it happened again...well, it would have a signifigant impact on our friendship regardless of how amazing our friendship is. PlayBoy seems to understand this. Our friendship has come to be important to both of us and I do believe that he doesn't want that to happen. PlayBoy has become aware of my blog courtesy of Hurricane conditions that prompted me to check my site from his laptop and there's always a possibility he'll be a reader at some point. I would have to say we're at a comfort level where I could be okay with that. So, PlayBoy - if you do happen to drop by...remember you're essentially reading my diary and be nice :) (I know you will)
I'm attending the Billy Idol concert tonight with EH, Gman, and PlayBoy. Woohoo! 3 dates! It would be great if I wasn't beyond exhausted. I'm awake (thanks to massive caffeine infusions) but my temper, emotions and attitude are all sucking at the moment. I've snapped at my boss, I've alienated my husband, I've imposed horribly upon BestFriendM, GrabbyMan and PlayBoy and truthfully, I'm about ready to pack a backpack and jump an Amtrak to Instanbul.
Bear with my bloggies. I'm depriving you of total disclosure at the moment, but only because I lack the energy, courage and strength to face it all. I'm so much more of a wreck than you know...and some of you know me well. I'll figure myself out and hopefully with some sleep (say...a week?) I'll find out if I'm still me again or if I have become this otherworldy entity.
Posted by Red ::
11:15 AM ::
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
Bewitched, Bothered & Bewildered
Yep. That about sums it up.
On All Hallows Eve, I found myself facing my inner demons and pondering the many bewitchings surrounding me.
Even a good witch can find herself under a wicked spell, I imagine. I've been hexed by the best.
Life, or at least life as I know it continues in its way. My office is still crippled and trying to work is hard. I'm in the dark, tapping away at a generator powered computer. It's hot, but somehow the normalcy feels so necessary right now.
Tonight I will go back to what was my home and retrieve my two cats. They can't stay anymore and I worry over them. I imagine it will be hard. I have only been back once, and PlayBoy was with me at the time. I walked in, struggled to remain calm, and left in a daze. By now, the damage is worse from the rain and collapsing ceiling.
I wonder how I will feel when I see it.
Writing about PlayBoy feels wrong somehow. We have become extremely close friends. In a way, he's been a white knight to my family. He's been a master at distracting me this week when EH and I were working to survive and I would be lying to say he isn't the best friend I have. We've played cards, pondered the meaning of life and talked about things we've both experienced. On Sunday when I felt sick and spent a day napping on his couch, he brought me a Coke-flavored Slurpee (my favorite). A small thing, but he truly has done all he could to keep a smile on my face at times when I didn't know I could smile. I know, in writing this, that it reads like there's more, but the truth is that there isn't. And never could be. PlayBoy is and will always be off limits in every way. He is, after all, a PlayBoy, right? And that's okay too. Because his friendship is more valuable and meaningful than anything else I could ever dream up and I feel incredibly lucky to know he feels the same about me. Like I said, writing it sounds so sordid. But then, bloggie, if there was a sordid twist, I think you know I couldn't/wouldn't write it at all. EH is equally grateful that PlayBoy has been there. It's safe all around.
I'm dying slowly in need of my own space. A bed to sleep in. A place to wander at night without feeling like a burden. A quiet space to call mine. That alone will be the death of me. Inside, I just find that I feel lost most of the time. Alone. I feel very, very alone even surrounded by so many people.
It's times like this, you question yourself so much.
Last night, I felt so lightheaded (stress, I imagine) and when I closed my eyes, I imagined I was dying. And I was alright with it. Not in a suicidal way, just in a "giving up" sort of way. Tired. Weary. Beaten. Amazing to feel that way after I had such a lovely evening, but the highs and lows of my days are really stressing me. My highs are the highest ever and my lows scare the life out of me. I can't help thinking rock bottom is a misstep away and I don't have the strength to cope with it. When (if?) it hits...where will I be?
Lost in every way?
Part of me wants to be entirely alone. I want to be abandoned, left, hurt, defeated and broken just to get it over with and survive that too. I want to find myself in a small, dark space with no one and nothing.
Not really, because I finally realized why I feel that way. If you have no one and nothing - you can't lose anything. Readers know how much I've lost...jobs, friends, my mother, my stepfather, nearly my marriage, my baby boy...my mind. I'm terrified to lose more people, things, faith...
I've babbled, I know. And as always, my silent outlet has tolerated my madness. It took writing this to understand it all myself, but I finally realize how very afraid and fragile I am. Not nearly as strong as people think...just a fraud, a fake, a coward hiding under a phony facade. Inside, I am just crumbling. Why is it that the people around me think I am so strong? Are they that blind? Not one person sees who I really am. Not one person knows me and how afraid and angry and lost I am. How can that be?
Alone sounds better and better by the minute.
Posted by Red ::
9:51 AM ::