Thursday, June 30, 2005
Another Day, Another Dollar
It's 8 pm and I just arrived home. No big surprise lately, huh? Still, today was easier.
I had mentioned my frustration with not having a juicy new book to read to EH. I'm a voracious reader who rereads my extensive book collection until the pages turn to dust (literally) and I had run dry of new material. I arrived home tonight to find dinner waiting for me and my darling EH had bought me a book and, of course, my heart was melted.
How on earth did I ever get so lucky?
Posted by Red ::
8:14 PM ::
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
In and Out, Slow and Deep...
That's my breathing.
In and out, slow and deep. Repeat.
It's 9 pm and I have just made it home from work. I did take a lunch break today at about 3 pm when I felt like I was going to spontaneously combust from the pressure and I did sneak out at 6 pm for an hour with my 2nd favorite guy (Doc Lance)...but other than that, I worked my ass off...again.
I had moments today when I thought "I understand the dream now" but I think I overcame it or re-perspecticized it, anyway. In the end, my second wind hit and I left feeling hopeful and exhuberant. Or maybe that was from my weekly cracking...who knows?
EH has been amazing. He's gone over and above to pick up slack around the house while I work this way. What can I say - I am in love with a wonderful man! Lucky, lucky me.
I was chatting with a friend today on messenger who's a bit down with his marriage. Somehow it came around to my marriage and he asked why I wasn't frustrated with EH's lack of job motivation.
Look, here's the gig. Yes, it frustrates me. Yes, I wish we had more money. But I married for love, not money. I fell in love with a writer. Brilliant, sexy as hell, kind, loving, gentle and selfless. He is what he is. Every night I fall asleep beside him, I think about how lucky I am to be with this incredible guy.
Money would be nice, but I got one better. I married the love of my life. You can't buy that.
Go tell your husband or wife how much you love them. If you don't feel the need or can't - then think long and hard about your relationship. Can you make it better? If not, consider a change. I firmly believe in marriage being sacred and wonderful. If you're not in love, you're missing out. It's been many, many years past the honeymoon phase and my husband is still the one. And by that, I mean the one.
Posted by Red ::
8:59 PM ::
As We Catch Up
TOW caught everyone up on our activities in our abscence, but I have to toss in my impressions. For openers, I want to throttle a doctor--maybe more. For the past few years she has been lectured about the various stages of her heart condition. Along with the hypertension she was told by one Primary that the high blood pressure caused her heart to work harder and thus she has an enlarged heart. Same doctor hinted that with a lack of diligence on her meds, and her persistant smoking, she may have veered into the territory of a conjestive heart.
Well my bride researched conjestive heart failure and noticed she possessed many symptoms, including repeated bouts of difficuly breathing. Also, the survival rate was slim and rarely beyond 5 years. The panic in this home was palpable, but I tried to tell her not to form a conclusion until she spoke with her new primary in the coming days. Big Mistake. The day of her appointment I get a call at my office, my wife in tears. The new medics saw her EKG and were stunned to the point that they wanted my wife to go directly to the hospital to get examined. I showed up at their offices and the doctors were walking around with saucer-eyed expressions like The Odd One was some kind of specter. They kept saying "OK, we're not going to panic about this," all the while behaving as if they had witnessed an execution. Needless to say my wife was spooked.
These pros were saying things like she has not A heart murmur but a series of murmurs, that she may have failure in one entire quadrant of the heart, and were even speculating that sometime recently she may have had a small heart attack. So we were not worried in the least. The two of us loaded up on reading material for what was surely going to be a marathon at a hospital reputed to be among the best for cardio care. After a few hours the test results came in.
All the blood work showed no levels of a problem, including no conjestive evidence. Then the doctor came to explain that her previous X-rays were taken with her lying down and her heart essentially pancaked so it appeared enlarged but was actually normal. He said these new doctors had no clue how to read an EKG and showed us how their new chart matched the previous, and explained that it also resembled his own chart, and he is a marathon runner.
The good thing is that TOW is fine, but I still harbor fantasies about reaching into the chest of a doctor like Bruce Lee, to show them their own beating organ in my hand. You know, just so they get to see what a healthy heart actually looks like.
Posted by The Even Husband ::
7:58 AM ::
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
I need to stand outside in a summer rain (which we have daily here in Florida) and feel the raindrops on my face. I need to let it soak through my clothes, plastering them to me and jump in puddles.
I need to watch a sunset turn the clouds into color-changing/shape shifting works of art in perfect silence.
I need to be made love to in a wordless, slow, gentle way - peppered with kisses, slicked with sweat.
I need to read a really good book.
Need, need, need.
My mind and body are spent. Day 2 of the new job was even more stressful than Day 1. Today, I got a crash course in pulling closing packages and wiring the funds to close. We closed 17 loans today. Any mistake could have could hundreds of thousands of dollars. I appreciate their trust in me. After an hour of showing me how, they sent me on my way to take over the process. By the time I stood up, my entire body was sore and stiff from stress. My brain turns off when I walk out the door (late again) and I feel as if my work is my life at the moment. Fortunately, EH makes up the difference by making dinner and giving me space to breathe.
I'm eagerly looking forward to my chiropractor visit tomorrow. I spent a good portion of the day in a horrible contraption masquerading as a chair and my poor back is screaming for help. Doc? Get the dull pulsing machine warmed up - I'm going to have to be forcibly removed from it at this point.
But my needs...? Needs must, right? Well, my needs must wait for the time being. I have a lot on my plate.
But a girl can dream.
And, EH...? Thanks for being my rock, as usual. You continue to be the reward for everything I do.
Posted by Red ::
7:48 PM ::
Monday, June 27, 2005
Surviving Day One
I'm home now. And in my exhausted mind, two words seem to best sum up the day: Holy crap.
No sooner had I arrived than a stack of files taller than I am was dropped unceremoniously on my desk and I was encourage to get them done. All closing tomorrow. Yikes...
For starters, this position is not the same as my last. Before I worked for a broker, now I am working for a lender. I am performing the mirror duties to my last position. Fortunately I have a brain (or had one before it melted to slush at around 6 pm) and managed to make the most of them. I worked until after 7 pm on my first day (2 hours over) and worked through lunch entirely. Damn...I am just wiped out.
And that was day one. I was bought flowers to welcome me. I was bought lunch (which I took to my desk to eat & work). I was definitely welcomed.
I miss my old job and the grapevine told me they missed me too. My top producer was down today and frustrated at my moving on. I miss him too. He was awesome. It's nice to be missed.
I'm home and wiped out. EH is whipping up a meal and giving me a bit of breathing room to unwind. I'm planning on a quiet night of resting up for tomorrow - so, goodnight!
Posted by Red ::
7:48 PM ::
Sunday, June 26, 2005
On Being the New Girl
Tomorrow I start the new job.
In retrospect, I should have tried to allow a short break of a day or two off between leaving the last job and beginning the new job - but I felt obligated to extend my stay at my previous job to the very end (even asking my new employer to accomodate the overstay).
If you haven't figured it out, my stalker would have already posted that I work in the mortgage industry. I adored my loan officers and was asked (and was happy to) stay long enough to ensure that their needs were met and their deals were well cared for. I am the first to leave on such outstanding terms and even at my going away party, two of my top producing loan officers were trying to figure out how to give up portions of their own commissions to make up the income difference and keep me there. Unfortunately, it's clear as day that my opportunities are more plentiful at the new place and that could not be matched.
For starters, I am walking into a restructuring scenario with an opportunity to build the processing side into what I believe it should be. I am also going to be trained to underwrite. In addition, I will be entering the commercial loan area on top of the residential side.
Best of all, the "boss" is a dear friend and I already have friends there waiting for me to join them. There is a giant disco ball suspended from the ceiling (and operational!) just a few steps from my office...how could I NOT fit in?
I'm wanted at the new job in a way that is flattering. Before I even put a pen to paper at my new desk I am expected with happy anticipation. It would be hard to not feel welcomed.
Still, I'll be the new girl for a bit, won't I? They'll have a fine time reckoning my odd ways. My former job had come to love my cube decorated like a "New Orleans Brothel" and everyone seemed a bit sad to see it look empty and bare on my last day.
I wonder what experiences Monday will hold for me. I expect them all to be wonderful.
Posted by Red ::
6:04 PM ::
Catching You Up...
So, where were we...?
I resigned from my job on June 4th and accepted the offer I mentioned. A risk, sure - but a hell of a lot more money and a huge opportunity. I start the job this Monday. Leaving was so bittersweet. My bosses, co-workers - they have been so wonderful to me and I was very pleased to leave on such good terms. It felt like breaking up with someone I loved.
June 8th found me in the hospital over an abnormal EKG during a lunchtime doctor appointment. It ended up being the greatest thing that ever happened to me - I was thoroughly examined by an excellent cardiac staff and found to be fine. No heart failure. Nothing. Just high blood pressure which is under control with medication.
June 15th was the 1 year 'anniversary' of discovering EH's online relationship with the Whore. For some reason I was extremely aware of that date. We decided to 'reclaim' it for us and celebrated with a fantastic steak dinner from Outback and a movie at home with lots of cuddling. And, somehow - just like that - it was behind us and so much of the weight was lifted off my shoulders. I've felt wonderful ever since.
I continue to see my favorite chiropracter, Lance, who never fails to go above and beyond. I tell my friends that I see a man once a week and pay him to bend my body into strange twisted positions while putting all his weight on me. So, I figure we're sort of dating... EH rolls his eyes at me over that one.
The sex life between EH and I has greatly improved. The Saturday before Father's Day found me wandering the local Hustler store at 11:30 at night choosing tasty treats. Doc Johnson's Good Head is pretty special stuff. LiquidV does't impress me much. Overall, I am no longer fretting about being neglected.
The biggest news I can share with you is just that I'm happy. Really happy. It's been so long, that I forgot what it felt like. I started counting and just lost track after 8 days of pure happiness. Doc Lance kidded that I was a 'new girl' and re-introduced himself. My co-workers remarked on the wattage of my smile.
Vibrant. Alive. Happy. Fun. Back to being me.
I rejoined my gym and have been diligently paying my dues in more ways than one. My landlady DID have a stroke and we're plotting a move now.
Somehow, everything has been coming up roses lately for us.
And now, I really do have to leave you - EH is pacing the stairs and I promised him I would be RWA earlier.
RWA = Ready, Willing and Able.
I hate to disappoint, so off I go!
Posted by Red ::
12:39 AM ::
And, just like that - gone. The why was said and read and now is gone. I hadn't intended to take it down, but it made sense.
Because - does it matter? Nope.
And Rosie and Ed are right, I don't want to be anything like them. So, if you feel some incessant need to know - email me at firstname.lastname@example.org and I will selectively reply. I stress the selectively part.
What I won't erase are the comments. It was only up for a few hours, but it drew such sweet words. The post was moved to draft and I can reread the words you wrote whenever I see fit.
Now, moving forward...
Saw Bewitched tonight with S & M. Damn I hate when a movie I want to be good turns out to suck. I spent the entire 98 minutes trying to figure out how to wiggle my nose because I was so bored.
Hurried home to play. I bought EH's Father's Day presents from the local "Hustler" store last week and we're still having fun with them.
And, with those words - off I go! Much to do tomorrow to prepare for Monday!
Posted by Red ::
12:23 AM ::
Saturday, June 25, 2005
Now, I'm only going to say this once
...and then I'm moving on.
First of all, you guys are awesome. The emails have been so nice to receive. Even my darling chiropractor was wanting to know the "why".
So, let's get it ALL out, shall we?
Some of you may recall my post titled "The Other Woman Online" from June 4th in which I discuss the dynamics and challenges of the modern marriage.
Now, let me take you back...anyone who has read this blog for any period of time is aware that last year EH had a 'cyber affair' with a woman online, I found out about it and freaked out and subsequently helped cause the pre-term death of my unborn son that we had tried for so many years to conceive. I believe I have also mentioned that she is involved with yet another married man, this time a full-blown affair.
Now, this cowboy feels that I've had an unhealthy obsession with his mistress because many of my posts discuss the affair she had with my husband. What you do not know is that for many, many months he has openly threatened, harassed and stalked me. He found out where I worked and posted the information on his blog with repeated threats that ran the gamut from emailing the blog to my bosses to vague threats of harm to my general well-being if I did not "get the fuck over it" as he put it.
And, in such, this cowboy has become obsessed with me in a rather psychotic way. Ironic, isn't it?
Now, said cowboy hates that I refer to his dear mistress as "the Whore". I suppose he would prefer that I refer to her as Rhonda from http://sooo_infectious.blogspot.com, the Texas mother of 2, Mormon, teacher, yoga afficianado born in Honolulu...I could go on and on. "The Whore" has always been easier to say and much more appropriate (as the 47 photos she sent to my husband of her playing with herself would attest).
Cowboy apparently was annoyed by my June 4th post and decided to make good on his threats. He emailed the blog to the place I worked.
Cowboy isn't a very good reader. He apparently skipped all the posts about me resigning from said job. He emailed the blog 3 days after I resigned.
And...since he had threatened to do so for months, I had warned my employers (former) that I had a Texan stalker who knew where I worked and was interested in harassing me at work. They knew the whole saga of the affair and so on (we talked very warmly and openly at all times) and when said email came across - they didn't even waste a moment on it other than to tell me he had done so. Neither was remotely interested. It was comical. Rather, they were very sorry to see me resigning (for the better position I mentioned weeks ago) and repeatedly tried to negotiate ways for me to stay.
Last night was my "Last Day Party" filled with hugs and kisses and promises of an open door for me to return if I ever needed to.
Gee, was that NOT how you expected that to go, cowboy???
First of all, I have never hid who I am. The posts in this blog are a sort of diary for me and EH and while some of my most intimate thoughts are spilled here - I'm a VERY open person. There's very little here that would surprise anyone. My best friend might be annoyed to read about our arguments, but she wouldn't learn anything new about me here. I'm a smart girl - I know that with a little ingenuity, you can find anyone online. There's no such thing as privacy online, dear reader.
Most amusing was the recent nasty anonymous comment someone posted on Cowboy's blog. He assumed it was me, EH or a friend of ours and was sadly mistaken (although "anonymous bitch", I salute you!) and he posted more bitching about EH and I. I loved how he called her a weasel for being anonymous (after all the anonymous nasty comments he left on THIS blog) In one comment he responds to her threat of telling his wife with something about her hoping to cause him grief - "the same kind of grief you had recently, huh?" in vague admittable reference to his emailing the blog to my bosses. I'm pretty sure he admitted to stalking and harassing there...
Now, grief wasn't had. I had a party. I had hugs and damp eyes and pleading to keep in touch. And Monday, I start my new position as a manager with a $10,000 salary increase.
That must be pretty fucking disappointing, Cowboy. I can only imagine that is NOT what he had in mind.
But, wait...why am I calling him Cowboy when everything is out in the open now...? I mean, he freely refers to us by name (Brad and Christine) on his blog at http://bentontheedges.blogspot.com, right?
So, now that his trump card was played (and fell flat) - I see no reason to worry about him anymore. He can bitch away on his blog and he damned sure won't be governing anything I write anymore.
Still, while I once desired nothing more than to see him and Rhonda suffer at least a fraction of the hell they both put me through - the truth is that I just don't give a rat's ass about either of them. My marriage is doing awesome (more posts about that later), my career is taking off, my life is stable and even my health is top notch after an unexpected turn of events there (more on that later too - but I'm perfectly healthy!). I have no interest in their sad drama anymore because I know how that story will play out.
You see, when you lie and cheat - it requires hundreds and hundreds of lies and risks. You're playing the odds, as I would expect our Cowboy daytrader to recognize. It's not a matter of IF he will be caught, it's a matter of WHEN. It requires no effort from me or anyone else. I don't quite understand his obsession with me, but he should probably see someone about it...who am I to him??? The wife of the married man his married (soon to be divorced) mistress used to be obsessed with?
I fully expect him to blow a fucking gasket over this post. I'm sure there will be wonderfully awful things posted on his blog about me, EH, and so on. He's made so many threats that I fully expect he will go ape-shit over this.
Here's the thing...he's not the only person who knows how to save a blog to disk. Screen shots are particulary helpful in authenticating. Should I have any cause to feel unsafe or threatened, I'm going to blow this thing WIDE open and go to the police, the attornies, the media - you name it. With the growing number of cyber-affairs being a topic of interest, I can totally sell this story of woe and drama.
If I get so much as an unexplained flat tire, I am going to start speaking VERY loudly to any and everyone who will listen with a concentrated interest in the Dallas area publications - with plenty of evidence of threats against me that makes the few bitchy comments I used to leave on Rhonda's blog look like pillow talk.
Bear in mind, I'm on the defense - not the offense. I don't care about these two because they have enough of their own problems and I'm happy in a world without them. But he's made good on at least one of his threats and I'm not taking chances.
I took the blog down to finish out my remaining time on my former job out of respect for a company that was good to me. I was never asked or forced to do so. My dearest friend asked me to do so and I did.
But I'm back and I'm going to continue to blog about my life here. The good and the bad.
I'd like to hope that the bad is now out of the way, because things lately have been so very, very good.
So...Cowboy. Rhonda has moved on. I have moved on. Shouldn't you???
It's still a part of our history and one I'm not going to bury or hide as I work out any and all issues I feel over it here. I'll go about my business and you should really stick to watching your own. You're walking a fine line and letting me distract you from your double life would surely not be a positive thing...I'll happily go back to referring to her as The Whore when necessary to discuss the events of last year at all. Otherwise, she can remain Rhonda from http://sooo_infectious.blogspot.com, the Texas mother of 2, Mormon, teacher, yoga afficianado born in Honolulu with photo captions to illustrate.
I'd prefer you just back off and we can all go back to hating each other from a distance and eventually forget about the whole thing as it fades out. After all, the only thing I've ever done is hated both of you from a distance. YOU have gone much further in this little situation than any of the rest of us. YOU have crossed the most serious of lines. YOU have brought this all back to the front and center. Your whore was an afterthought in my daily posts referenced anonymously and only when a central character to a discussion.
YOU can keep this web of pure hatred alive as long as you like.
Me, I have much more enjoyable ways to spend my time.
Posted by Red ::
4:38 PM ::
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
On this day...
One year ago today I found out that I was pregnant. A home pregnancy test taken on my lunch hour said "Yes!"
One year ago today I was a little worried that EH and I weren't getting along very well, but I had no idea he had ever betrayed my trust. I was so sure we were going to turn it around and make everything better.
I'd give anything to feel that way again. To be so blindly trusting. To feel the jolt of shock, fear and joy of seeing that positive pregnancy test. To believe that everything was going to be wonderful...
One year ago today, I was so innocent.
Posted by Red ::
4:55 PM ::
I'm pouting, I know. I haven't been bitchy about it, maybe just quiet. EH has asked me 500 times what's wrong and nothing IS wrong. I'm just...frustrated.
It's so hard when my "mojo" kicks in and all I can think about is sex, sex acts, sex talk, sex, sex, sex. Meanwhile, EH is just...there. He's not refusing. Should I press for it, he would not say no. But neither does he encourage, react or exploit.
The best way I can describe the situation is this: I make ho-hum dinners every night. Meatloaf. Chicken. Spaghetti. Suddenly, I get the urge to really dazzle and begin serving Beef Wellington, Rib Roasts, Seared Mahi-Mahi with baby escallops in a french cream sauce...and EH is reacting as if I were still placing meatloaf on the table. "(yawn) Ho-hum. Looks good. (silent chewing)"
Anyone who's read this blog for any length of time knows part of the ongoing battle in this marriage is mismatched sex drives - and reversed ones at that. I'm in perpetual high-gear with a few rare exceptions and EH is...well, not. Not at all. Not even a little. Just...not. EH truly believes that to even attempt to fulfill my every whim would kill a healthy man.
And he's the one who had the cyber-affair? Shocking, isn't it?
I've had affairs before. Never while married, but still - I'm familiar with the ropes. I know my way around the illicit better than most. But I sit, silently seething in sexual frustration beside EH because I'm in love with him. Sure, when I get in this state I can't be within 100 yards of a male without being finely tuned in to every movement he makes, but I behave myself. I restrain myself.
I'd be a liar if I didn't admit that the words "grudge fuck" never entered my mind. A seriously naughty encounter that EH would be guaranteed to find out about to punish him. Let him feel the hurt. Let him live with the doubts. Let him question everything he knew. But, I just can't. It's a line I never want to cross.
So...I just sit and seethe. Because I can't make EH's sex drive go from 0 to anything over 2, much less 200. It's just the way he's built. He enjoys it, but he forgets it even exists most of the time.
I've had opportunities. Things said or done that made my entire inside light up like a 4-alarm blaze. That feeling in your stomach when someone boldly propositions you or admits to desiring you. The way your mind twists it around for weeks on end, imagining it. And it feels damned good...it consumes you. It makes you stand taller, hold your stomach tighter, walk with a bit more of a swing...it makes you feel alive.
No one thrives on that feeling more than I do. Prior to EH I was a junkie - chasing that feeling. EH in my life was a side-effect of chasing that feeling, as was every man before him. I was a master...I seduced every man that remotely appealed to me without fail. I had it down. I knew the game.
It would be so easy. I can see the marks around me. I know exactly who I could crook a finger at and have them jump at the chance. It wouldn't even take a word. Not an ounce of effort...
You think I don't know the lure of illicit sex? You'd be wrong. You think I don't want it? Wrong again, I can practically taste it. You think I couldn't? Wrong, wrong, wrong...one move, one nod, one breath and I could have it right now...no one would ever know except me and one other...A secret. A lovely, dirty, dark secret that would make me feel so very nice...
And...I've gotten carried away. Because I won't. I'll go slightly insane waiting for my husband to indulge me.
The feeling I mentioned, the thrill, the rush, the sensation...it would all be so temporary. It wouldn't be there the way EH is day after day, night after night.
I'd rather have EH in my life. But I make sacrifices too. I fight the temptations too. And sometimes it takes a lot of energy. Anyone would be a fool to think that just because I preach about cheating being wrong I don't feel the urges.
In fact, in all likelihood, I feel them much stronger than most. Much.
pout. pout. pout.
Posted by Red ::
6:30 AM ::
Monday, June 06, 2005
"I have a one-track mind lately," I said to EH.
And, that was the end of the conversation. Granted I am somewhat "on the sidelines" at the moment, but it doesn't take me out of the game entirely. All the mental images of the things I wanted to do vanished in the ensuing silence. Things most men would beg and plead for and I was just willing and wanting.
It would have only taken a smile.
And so, I did the dishes instead. I suppose you can't always be sympatico.
Posted by Red ::
8:39 PM ::
Sunday, June 05, 2005
The Modern Day Marriage
As times change, most traditions and institutions evolve accordingly. Others don't make the leap so smoothly and are in desperate need of an overhaul.
Marriage needs some updating.
For starters, people are now seeking different things. There are those who want a true commitment with another person. They want children, intimacy, friendship and trust. They want a faithful relationship.
Others are seeking similar companionship, but want a more sexually free relationship that allows them to feel free to experiment whenever the need arises. They aren't interested in monogamy.
I'm sure there are many, many more scenarios. Children, no children, same sex marriages, platonic marriages, sexless marriages and so on...but my focus at the moment is just on the two choices: Open Marriage or Monogamy.
I'm as open minded as you can get. If your idea of a good time is to dress up like your grandmother and serve as a wet nurse for local prison inmates, then hey - so be it. But for me, there are boundaries and expectations that have to be in place.
All parties have to agree, for starters. If you want an Open Marriage and your partner expects Monogamy, then you have a problem. If you know from the start that you can't be monogamous, then it needs to be addressed in teh same conversation that includes whether or not you both want kids and where you plan to live. It has to be in place up front. Should you change your mind down the road, you're going to have to have that conversation with your spouse and reach a decision. Maybe spouse will agree to your needs for an Open Marriage or perhaps you'll start dividing up the dvd collection and part ways.
I've chosen Monogamy. I've been in many, many, many relationships of all shapes and sizes and had nearly every imaginable kind of sexual encounter. I know what I want and I found it in EH. We agreed to monogamy from the start and should one of us breach that, it's cheating plain and simple and will have consequences.
Because this is my choice does not mean that I judge an Open Marriage situation for someone else. Not by far. I would embrace it with the same open mind that I apply towards a Same Sex Marriage. That is their choice and their life and I admire them for being honest about their needs.
For those who are unattached, I implore you to be honest with your future partners about your preferences. Misleading your SO is cruel, hurtful and can cause insurmountable emotional and even physical damages to their life.
If you've already exchanged vows, then you have made a promise to someone who shares a life with you. If you swore monogamy and now feel trapped, then your marriage is not going to work. You both need to be happy. However, to cheat secretly is just plain deplorable. Again, you are being cruel and hurtful to someone who you share a deep connection with.
For the unattached or attached who are looking to play...when a potential playmate arrives in your life, you need to know the situation. Are they single or married? If they are married, is their spouse okay with them playing with you? And yes, you need to know this. I know people in an open marriage who actually insist upon getting permission directly from the other spouse before proceeding and I admire that. If you engage in a relationship with a married person whose partner is still believing they are in a monogamous relationship then, my apologies, but you are crossing a line. At some point, someone is going to get hurt very badly and you are going to be responsible for it.
These days, the consequences of dishonesty are scarier than the prospect of having to confront the issue of your preference with your SO.
It's a scary world. The very best you can contribute is to be an honest person.
Posted by Red ::
5:25 PM ::
Saturday, June 04, 2005
The Other Woman Online
In the recent days, a large number of blogs that I frequent seem to be experiencing some marital tensions reminiscent of the sort I experienced one year ago with EH.
Other Women Online.
Oh, the opinions I have on this. They range from the bitter and angry diatribe of the skanky whores and predators of the web luring men and wrecking families to an examination of the underlying motivations of men to seek this out.
And somewhere between my hatred of the whores and my understanding of the motivations, sense can be made.
First, the internet is ripe with lonely people. Lonely women who discover that if they're willing to share sleazy photos of their tits and talk dirty that a man will look past her train wreck of a face and pay attention to her. Women who have a life filled with so many problems that they turn to the web to find other women's husbands to hopefully share and support their misery. Not only does Misery love company, but she loves to recruit as well.
Second, a marriage has it's sacrifices. On one hand, you have the Whore who is happy to talk about blow jobs and how wet she is while the Wife sits home with the Child/ren and asks about which bills to pay or the car's oil change. It's not much of a contest which conversation is more interesting - and thus, the Husband is enticed.
Let's face it, the Wife isn't much fun, is she? She wants to discuss things like bills, cough medicine, chores and whose turn it is to do dishes. She wants the grass cut. The Wife is annoyed by the many hours that the Husband spends online while bills pile up and chores need to be done and she becomes even MORE unappealing compared to the online Whore who is content to just talk and photograph her own vagina with what she thinks is a sexy look on her face.
It doesn't matter that Wife is sexually healthy and just as sexy (or sexier) than the Whore - because Whore is shoving the sex in Husband's face while Wife is a fully developed character with a career, household, children, needs... Whore remains a pair of breasts, a vagina and a fantasy figure who is wet and willing 24/7. Whore is never too tired/busy/frustrated to please your Husband. After all, Whore didn't spend all day at YOUR job, picking up YOUR Husband's socks, putting YOUR children to bed after helping them with their homework just before cooking YOUR dinner. Whore isn't a real woman at all. Whore has become a naked picture that talks to your Husband.
From here, it goes a few different ways. One, it becomes obvious that Husband is withdrawing from Wife and arguments begin. Maybe Wife catches Husband and the real problems start. Trust is broken, anger, pain...all the emotions as if the cheating was physical. Perhaps Husband manages to meet up with Whore and the dirty deed actually does occur. Whatever path, there is no good outcome. Someone gets hurt, usually the Wife and Husband either (a) runs away with cheap whore or (b) stays and tries to repair insurmountable damages to his family. Either way, the Whore escapes without even half the crippling injuries she deserves.
Several of the women bloggers who are discovering problems are wondering how to confront them, handle them, deal with them.
First, don't wait for even a moment to address the situation. Every day you wait is a day that Husband is closer and closer to a true betrayal or crossing a line you won't want to recover from.
Second, understand how this scenario has come about. You're the Wife. You aren't as much fun as the Whore. You expect Husband to be well, husbandly! Whore has no expectations of him! He's not fallen out of love with you - he's been admired, seduced and sweet talked into distraction. When Wife asks "How could you forget to get the oil changed for the 47th time this month?" while Whore asks "Don't you want to cum all over my face, you sexy beast?" - it's no contest who is more fun to talk to!
Third, the "Talk" needs to be had. You tell him what you know, found, suspect, worry about and how it all makes you feel. Lay it out there and expect that both of you are going to run the gamut of emotions from hurt, anger, betrayal and then some. When it all runs out, a smart man finds the answer.
Because the answer is that Wife is the one who holds Husbands hand when he's sad. Wife takes care of him when he is sick or hurt. Wife cheers him on to success. Wife sees him at his best and his worst and loves him either way. Wife knows the sounds of his breathing in the predawn hours. Wife knows his friends, family and the secrets of his childhood. Wife grows with him and watches him grow as well. Wife bears his children, helps his mother, comforts his sister and shares his life.
Whore may be fun, but Wife endures. Whore is simply the latest manifestation of marital strife. Whore is a disease, a distraction, a predator. Whore is disposable. Cure the problem now. With a lot of love, patience, commitment to trying and talking - you both may learn some new things about each other as you overcome the Marriage Wrecker of the Modern Day.
***Note, naturally this can be reversed with Wife being the indiscrete spouse.
Tajalude, Wicked Wife, Anti-Wife...I'm no expert. Just someone who has been through it. Someone who still has the days of being angry. I hope you find your way through it all with minimal pain.
Posted by Red ::
6:25 PM ::
Been There, Done That
X = have done
(x) snuck out of the house
( ) gotten lost in your city
(x) seen a shooting star (hundreds of them, we love to watch meteor showers)
( ) been to any other countries besides Canada
(x) had a serious surgery
(x) gone out in public in your pajamas
(x) kissed a stranger
(x) hugged a stranger
(x) been in a fist fight
(x) been arrested
(x) laughed and had milk/coke come out of your nose
(x) pushed all the buttons on an elevator
(x) swore at your parents
(x) been in love
(x) been close to love
(x) been to a casino
( ) been skydiving (but want to)
(x) skinny dipped
(x) skipped school
(x) seen a therapist
(x) done the splits
(x) played spin the bottle
(x) gotten stitches
( ) drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour
(x) bitten someone
( ) been to Niagara Falls
(x) gotten the chicken pox
(x) kissed a member of the opposite sex
( ) crashed into a friend's car
( ) been to Japan (would like to)
(x) ridden in a taxi
(x) been dumped
(x) been fired
(x) had a crush on someone of the same sex (Gwen Stefani! Angelina Jolie!)
(x) had feelings for someone who didn't have them back
(x) gone on a blind date
(x) lied to a friend (not proud)
(x) had a crush on a teacher
( ) celebrated Mardi-Gras in new Orleans (on my TO DO list)
( ) been to Europe (lived there)
(x) slept with a co-worker
(x) been married
(x) gotten divorced
(x) had children
(x) seen someone die
( ) had a close friend die
( ) been to Africa
( ) driven over 400 miles in one day
(x) been to US
( ) been to Mexico
( ) been to India
(x) been on a plane
(x) seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show (and been in it!)
(x) thrown up in a bar
(x) purposely set a part of myself on fire (doing a Statue of Liberty flaming shot)
(x) eaten sushi (yummmmm)
(x) been skiing/snowboarding (water skiing counts, right?)
(x) met someone in person from the internet (Love you, Todd!)
(x) lost a child (Miss you, little man)
(x) gone to college/university
( ) graduated college/university
(x) fired a gun (and my aim is remarkable)
(x) purposely hurt yourself
(x) taken painkillers
(x) been intimate with someone of the same gender
Posted by Red ::
5:49 PM ::
Friday, June 03, 2005
Tarot Cards and Horoscopes, Oh My!
My own deck is woefully out of reach and my mind is spinning with "should I?"
So...online tarot, of course!
A simple 3 card past, present, future draw while focusing on the question..."Is making this career change best for me?"
In the past position:
The Star - Reversed
A card in the left position indicates what has happened to affect your question in the past.
When the Star card appears reversed in your spread, it is telling you that you are being stubborn, that you have settled into a rigid and inflexible way of thinking that makes you unwilling or incapable of adapting to changing circumstances.
True, true, true...I was burned on a job opportunity once before and it was financially devastating. Since then, I've been so incredibly wary and have let several incredible opportunities slip away.
In the Present Position:
King of Discs - Reversed
A card in the middle position indicates what is affecting your question at this time.
Beware of falling under the influence of a tyrannical person who believes that his way is the only way. His heavy-handed methods mask the innate weakness of his character.
Yes, that pretty much describes my present situation.
Knight of Wands
A card in the right position indicates your questions future.
The Knight of Wands loves a challenge and is virtually fearless, thriving on the stimulation of danger and risk. The Knight is a warm, generous, loveable character who makes a wise and loyal friend, though his temper is quick to flare up if he thinks anyone is abusing his generosity.
Kind of sounds like "go for it!", doesn't it???
But by far...the best was my horoscope on excite.com...
As someone in Wonderland said to Alice, it's best to try to believe at least three impossible things before breakfast. The funny thing is once you let yourself believe them, they don't seem all that impossible to begin with. The first step is to let yourself believe that such benevolence is in store for you. So go ahead -- what are three wonderful, lovely and no-way-that-could-happen-to-me things that you want in your life?
Don't wait for life to happen to you. Make the life you want happen. Joseph Campbell called it following your bliss. Goethe said that once a definitive commitment was made, mighty forces would come to aid you. So what are you waiting for? There's a whole life out there waiting for you -- the life that you've always wanted. All you have to do is make that first, definitive movement toward it. Isn't life too short to waste?
So...I have two indications of "go for it!" and one scary, dead black non-flying dove dream making me afraid...The thing is, I'm the primary person responsible for supporting my family. A mistake could be awful. And my health insurance is critical at the moment...
I'm going to do some serious mediation tonight and find my answer.
But, I have this feeling I already know what it is...don't you?
Of course you do.
You want me to jump.
(I want to too...)
I'm going to jump...
Posted by Red ::
4:13 PM ::
I had some very interesting dreams last night.
In one dream, I was at a grand party where a woman released tiny baby black doves into the sky in celebration of an event. The baby doves weren't quite so eager to fly and most began to land back on the ground. Beside me, two baby doves landed and flittered about.
A very large black hawk watched from a tree branch and swooped suddenly, catching both in one scoop in it's powerful beak. I somehow managed to grab this hawk in a headlock mid-swoop and was struggling to rescue the babies. The hawk released and escaped. One baby fell dead to the ground. The other was smashed, broken and dead against me, tangled in the crotched sweater I wore. And no one could free it.
According to Dream Moods.com, to see a hawk in your dream, denotes suspicions are lurking around you and your activities. You need to proceed with caution. To see doves in your dream, symbolizes peace, tranquility, harmony, and innocence. In particular, to see white doves in your dream, symbolizes loyalty and friendships.
In my dream, the hawk killed both doves even as I tried to protect them and I ended up with one smashed all over me.
I was made an offer last night. A management position with a company that is established, but in restructuring mode. I was promised the moon and stars. I was offered a large salary increase. I was offered all the opportunity in the world. Promises of bonuses and rewards and perks. All by a woman (the woman who released the doves in my dream) who was once employed by my present employers.
I want this change. I want the money, the position, the opportunity. But, my dream is making me pause...
Can you see why?
Posted by Red ::
9:09 AM ::
Thursday, June 02, 2005
My Slow Suicide
I woke up in the middle of the night last night again, struggling for breath. Second time this week. I find it happening throughout my days. I find it waking me from deep sleeps. Air moves in and out, but I feel as if I am breathless and not getting the oxygen I need.
I made my appointment with my new primary care doctor for this coming Wednesday at lunchtime. I began to research congestive heart failure online.
And I'm stunned.
My former jackass of a doctor never explained anything to me. Just threw out the word heart failure, heart murmur and sent me away.
He didn't tell me that 50% of the women who are diagnosed with it die within 5 years. Or that only 20% survive more than 8-12 years.
He didn't tell me that the breathlessness and murmur is actually quite bad, and may indicate I am further along with my failure...meaning what??? Less than 5 years? He didn't say "Grade 4".
All the cigarettes I smoked before I quit for good on May 6th. All the times I neglected to care for my blood pressure. All the stress I let affect me. All the times I forgot to take medication. All the years I didn't take it seriously.
I'm 32. Are you seriously telling me I won't see 40? How do I go home tonight and explain that to my husband? And SG? Do I quit working? Do I spend the next 8 years trying to cram another 40 years of life into it? Do I say anything at all or do I keep this my little secret? Do I tell my family? Do I only have 5-12 years to live?
What? Am I honestly facing life/death moments here? Did I make myself terminal?
If you smoke, stop right fucking now. If you have high blood pressure, keep it controlled. If you don't know - check it at the local drugstore. If it's 140/90 or higher, see a doctor. If the doctor puts you on medication, take it like it's a matter or life or death.
Don't be me. Don't commit suicide slowly and carelessly. I don't know what I'm going to find out on Wednesday, but I am scared t- - -, heh...I almost typed scared "to death". Ironic, isn't it?
Morbid, isn't it? But these posts are my thoughts and I don't edit them or slant them to be more positive or negative than I really feel. I don't put on a smiley face here. I just say it...
Did I kill myself?
Posted by Red ::
4:28 PM ::
Wednesday, June 01, 2005
Evil Lurks Here...
You can feel the misery in the walls, the carpet, the floors. Every person you pass has this look on their face that is either ripe with frustration, confusion, exhaustion or just plain misery.
My office is just not a happy place.
There are whispers. A lot of people are miserable and many are planning an exodus. Some incredibly valued key people are already whispering their goodbyes and the top producing folks that they support are swearing they wouldn't stay without them. And the reasons are all similar.
I like my boss quite a bit, but she's not a very social person. Occasionally she tries, but it takes you by such surprise that you can't help but feel the awkwardness of it. Eventually she either gets tired or frustrated and reverts to a recluse who occasionally emerges from her office to surprise you with a critical remark when you least expect it.
I like my supervisor too. But she's a very young girl with a very big job title and if you don't fit into her image of "nice & normal" she can be difficult.
I love my loan officers. Most of them are with me by request...you see, I'm nice to them. The office standard is to treat them like they are stupid, bothersome assholes...which is a bit odd considering they are the ones who bring every single dime into that office.
I like my HR person. She hates people as a rule and doesn't speak to any but a small select few. And god forbid you cross her path, she can be the most vicious person you have ever faced. People actually visibly tremble when they have to speak to her. Her nickname is "The Impaler". There is a large plastic sword taped to her office door. And this is Human Resources...
No, there is a lack of happiness in this place.
I am dreading my review tomorrow. Absolutely dreading it. I will either have to lie through my teeth and fake the whole thing or I will snap and tell them all of the things that are wrong with the company just before they ask me to pack.
In truth, I've been a good employee. I'm extremely underpaid and would need a raise of at least $10,000 base salary to even be paid average. I'm fairly sure that won't happen, so I admit that I am watching, waiting, hoping for opportunities or change.
Posted by Red ::
8:22 PM ::
It's late. I can't sleep.
I just finished reading The Time Traveler's Wife and it was wonderful. It took me just over 24 hours to finish. As usual, I devoured it. It's going into my treasury of favorites. I highly recommend it.
I still feel like hell. I don't know why. Earlier this morning, I wondered if I might be pregnant because I was constantly starving and running to the bathroom to pee. I'm trying not to even think about it. It can't be. And I can't take another of those damned tests. Every negative hurts. But even if I was pregnant, it's pretty hopeless.
Remember that line in Steel Magnolias? How did it go...? "The doctor didn't say she couldn't have a baby, he said she shouldn't." That's pretty accurate here too. With Christian last year, my blood pressure was so high...
Christian...it seems so hard to believe that a year ago now I was pregnant. I didn't know it yet. It would be another 2 weeks before I figured it out and I would be suitably shocked. June 9th. That was the day I found out.
The book stirred some memories for me that hurt. There's a sequence of miscarriages that pulled at my heart. And now, in the middle of the night, I'm just sort of wandering through the sad feelings, waiting for them to pass.
I'm sad that I didn't take better care of myself. If I had, maybe there would be more babies. Maybe I would feel better. Maybe breathing wouldn't hurt.
Maybe memories like these wouldn't come to call and stir up that which hurts.
There are babies all around me. My pregnant co-worker who waddles around, rubbing her huge belly. My expecting chiropractor. Blogger friends like Amateur Dad with his brand new baby, Catt and her not-yet-born son...don't get me wrong, I am dazzled by my daughter. But she wishes for a sibling just as much as I wish for a baby. And when she mentions it, everything inside of me just runs cold.
Yuck, yuck, yuck. Is that enough depression for a night? I've gotten it out of my system, spilled it here where it can fade away into the archives like a memory. Now I suppose I really should try to rest before whatever this icky virus feeling is overtakes me...I need to get back on my feet and get back to happy things.
I got a new guided meditation cd. It might be just the thing to lull me to sleep.
Posted by Red ::
12:38 AM ::