Sunday, February 12, 2006

Sleepless

It's ironic that I referred to cancelling date night as a "cardinal sin" just the other day since PC just cancelled next Friday's date night with me.

I'm sleepless tonight. My mind is just whirling with thoughts that I don't know how to process. Some matters of right and wrong are so simple. You don't lie, steal, kill or run red lights. Why is it that right and wrong are so hard to understand when it comes to the heart?

PC and I both came into this relationship with "baggage". We handled it differently. I made my own "baggage" a part of our life together. I brought my entire family into this relationship, introduced him to everyone and made it all "ours". PC is important to me and it's equally important that my family is a part of it. His is still neatly separated from our life together. To date I have never met one of his friends or family members, save for pre-relationship when I met the kids and his STBX wife. Granted his family (a sister and two brothers) live far away.

And what is our life together anyway? Because somehow, at 4:30 in the morning I am still feeling like this big 3rd wheel in his life. I can understand that his STBX wife doesn't want his children around me. I really do. But that alone separates him and I largely. Somehow when I imagined PC and I together I pictured us all together. I didn't imagine always waiting on the outside of his life for him. I pictured days with all the kids playing. I pictured quality time as a whole.

Our money is still largely limited. PC spends 2 days/nights a week with his kids and they go out and do fun things together. When it comes to me, or me & SG, we seem to spend all of our time sitting around the house watching tv. I wish we could bring it all together and have all of us do things together instead of always feeling so left out. I feel like I spend a tremendous amount of time on the sidelines waiting. How do I bring PC & SG together into more of a family unit when our own time together is almost always sitting at opposite ends of our fairly large condo. There's almost no interaction between him and SG and there's absolutely no interaction between me and his children.

How do we build a life together when the most important parts of our life have to always be so separated?

It's a catch 22, really. And I'm beginning to see it as one that might never be resolved.

I feel alone tonight, but not in a bad way. I left EH because I needed to find happiness and I fell in love with PC along the way. I certainly found love, but did I actually find happiness too? Or did I manage to stumble into another impossible relationship?

PC spent the day with his kids, SG spent the day with EH. Everyone went out and had fun. I spent the day at the beach by myself watching families and friends and couples play and laugh. I spent the day watching everything I don't have. I went to relax in the sun, I left feeling cold.

I came home fairly late, knowing that PC was having a family dinner with STBX wife and his kids for his son's birthday. Knowing she was hoping to reconcile, I knew the topic would come up between them. I had resolved myself that I would accept it either way. It's a choice he has to make to go back to her or to make it clear to her that it's over. It's yet another choice to be with me or not. I was comfortable in that acceptance, but about 30 minutes before he was due home I started to literally tremble and shake. I didn't ask the fates to bring him home to me. I didn't ask for him to choose me. I asked that he make the right choice and to give me strength either way to face it.

So, where's that strength I ordered?

STBX wife is going on a cruise this week and PC will be spending time with his boys while she's away. It was originally to be Weds. and Saturday nights (overnight) and I had planned for that. Tonight he told me it's Friday and Saturday instead and that we'd have to skip date night. A little sting since that's my pay day and I'll actually have a few dollars to do date night the way I've been hoping to.

Instead, since EH has SG overnight and PC will be gone overnight, I think I'll go out and drink the night away in some crowded bar for the night and try to figure out just what the fuck it is that I want out of this life and how to go about getting it for a change.

I don't know how to make this relationship work with all of these special rules. Be my soulmate, just leave me alone on this day, this day and this day? Be there when I need you, go away when I don't? Sit this one out.

I know people from divorced marriages with kids make new relationships work all the time. I just don't know how. Especially when I'm not allowed to be in the same place at the same time as his kids. And is that ever supposed to change?

I'm just frustrated and venting, so don't mind me if this makes little to no sense. It just seems to me the pictures in the brochure PC and I painted together long ago aren't quite turning out to be what we imagined.

I reread the 4 love letters PC gave me in the beginning of this relationship. One talked about how all he wanted was to make me happy. And that's true. And he's great at it. I just didn't realize it was based upon the moments he had nothing better to do...which equals about 8 hours a week.

So, the bottom line is I'm unhappy. I'm sure I'm being selfish or spoiled, but I need something to change to be happy - and is it such a crime to want to be happy???

And PC can't make any changes in this area.

So that leaves us...where?

Hey, you do the math.

Posted by Red :: 4:21 AM :: | ---------------------------------------