Monday, February 06, 2006

Evening the Seas

The weekend was largely lazy and uneventful. PC has his boys both days and that leaves me on my own. SG spent Saturday with EH, leaving me home alone to do housework (yuck) and Sunday found SG and I just puttering about the house. I have to admit it was a bit depressing. I'm seriously broke waiting for that first paycheck while PC is managing better. So while PC and his boys are at museums and parks, SG and I are home because I'm empty-pocketed and trying to save my gas. I swore to SG that once I started getting paid we will do fun things together on the weekends. Poor kid.

Beyond that, it was quiet. PC and I played cards and watched tv Satuday and then watched SuperBowl on Sunday. Nothing exciting. But still nice.

I still wrestle from time to time with accepting this relationship for what it is. Trust issues from my past, adjusting to the newness of someone...it's not easy. There are times PC tells me he loves me that I find myself just staring at him, trying to gauge his eyes, his smile - all of it to be sure it's real. But I can't deny that physically PC feels right to me. His entire body, his hands - everything just feels so right to me. He has this ability to walk up behind me and begin to rub a spot on my back - never the same spot twice - and always hit exactly the sore spot or tight muscle. He's never wrong. He knows exactly how and where to touch me. I sometimes worry so much, but then there are moments when I am cuddled up to him in "my spot" that I just know I have to be right where I am.

Time will soothe over the old hurts, I imagine. I know that my problems all stem from hurts that were done with EH. I believed in my marriage to EH. He was the first person I ever wanted to be with forever faithfully and I believed in us. I just never could get past his betrayal no matter how hard I tried or how much time passed. And whenever I got closer to it, the past would rear it's ugly head in nasty comments, emails, threats, etc. Even as EH and I were separating I was still being contacted by her. I suppose she actually won in the end. She may have set out to play with my husband but once I ended that she seemed far more determined to destroy me and ultimately, she got her way. Fate just decided to drop me into an entirely new life before I could even dwell on the situation.

As much as I have been hurt, I imagine that I also learned a lot. My relationship with PC is less tightly wound around each other and more solidly based on us being individuals who share a life. Different, but still good. I still mourn for the broken family, but I also feel blessed to have a bright future with a man who (while different) still reaches places in my heart that I thought were long since closed off. A man who makes me believe the future can be wonderful, even if it's not exactly what I planned.

I never really dreamed of anything big. Just a decent house, a close family and happiness. I'll admit that with PC those dreams need to be a bit bigger. The dreams I didn't dare dream are suddenly more in keeping with our reality.

Right now, the things I want are still fairly simple:

1) I want to close on the condo and decorate/furnish it the way we both like
2) I want to get to a place where PC can have his boys over for the weekend so our children can play together and we're not separated on his days/nights with them.
3) I want to build new memories, a new life together
4) I want to be happy

I've also decided that I have a new interest. Cooking. I'm fascinated with the cooking shows on tv and want to start mastering the complex recipes. I'm starting to fantasize about those stand-up mixers and giant food processors. Hmm.

The new job continues to be fabulous. I swear that I still can't believe I earn a great salary for this job. It's amazing.

Pay Day for me is 2/17 and not soon enough. I've been pathetically sponging off of poor PC like there's no tomorrow. I swear I'll make it all up to him. But I also can't wait to pay my poor, delinquent car and have a few dollars to do something with my daughter for a change...

Posted by Red :: 3:07 PM :: | ---------------------------------------