The Odd Wife

Friday, February 10, 2006

The Fox after post.  Can you tell I have a slow day with much on my mind?
I've been thinking.  I think the problem is me.
I was really naive.  I believed in all of the romantic movies, songs, fairy tales and poems.  I believed in happily ever after and true love that conquered all. 
I went through man after man seeing that feeling.  You know, the fluttery, lightening bolt, perfect kiss kind of feeling?  I'd find it, absorb it all and when it faded or dulled I would break it off and move on to the next one.
When I met EH, it went beyond the crush-ey feelings.  It was deep.  Very deep.  I finally understood what it was to be in love.  I was so sure it would last a lifetime.  I was so sure he felt what I felt.  When he cheated, it killed every belief I had.  It broke me into a million pieces.  I still get teary-eyed if I think about it, right this minute included.
With PC, I feel it all again.  The deeper feeling of "fitting" just right.  That sense that we connect somehow.  But I'm also changed. 
I keep trying to believe.  I keep trying to trust.  But I never seem to last more than a day or two before I am sure that PC is about to break my heart and every nerve in my body and mind screams, "Run!!!" .  PC's done nothing to invoke this.  He's been honest and true to his word.  So, the problem is me.
What if I just can't ever believe again?  It's as if I get right to the edge of accepting it all and then stumble back into a dark hole of doubts each time.  It's like proving Santa Clause does not exist and then trying to believe in him again.
I have no faith.  I have no trust.  And I am beginning to believe I may never have it again.  How do you unring that bell?   How do you go back to being able to believe?  Can someone who has lost the ability to trust and believe ever get it back?
Am I just not capable of relationships anymore?
I feel like the Fox in The Little Prince.

Posted by Red :: 4:57 PM :: |
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