Friday, February 10, 2006

I HATE premonitions

Damn I hate when my spider-senses get going and now they're going.

 

I called PC to see how his day was going.  I'm looking forward to seeing him and wanted to hear his voice.  He tells me that he talked to STBX wife and that I "was right". 

 

Apparently STBX wife doesn't want to be "STBX wife".  She wants to be just "wife".  She wants to give it another chance "for the kids sakes".  She wants my PC to be her PC even if she never thought of him as a Prince Charming until he was gone. 

 

Oy.  Oy.  Oy.  Fuck.  Fuckity-fuck-fuck.  Damn, damn, damn.  And I was having such a good day.  All dissolved now in a tight, hot little ball of tension between my shoulder blades while ninja butterflies practice combat maneuvers in my belly.  Yep.  I'm tense and unhappy about this.

 

PC swears he has no interest in reconciling with her, but still, I don't like feeling like I am in "competition" for someone.  I don't compete for men.  If there's even the remotest chance I'll be measured and weighed in a series of pros and cons against another woman for a man's affections, I would just bow out with a one-fingered salute.  Any man that has to consider me isn't worth my time.

 

So, where was I?  Oh...yes.  Tense.  Does it show?

 

Tense because I can do the math.  PC loves his kids and reconciling would mean he lives with his boys again.  Tense because maybe STBX isn't going to sign the divorce papers so quickly.  They have 2 kids and 10 years of history between them (granted, not very good history, but it seems to have had its moments).  Tense because STBX is trying to win back her man while I do ....what?

 

Nothing.  Because if PC wants to go back, he should go now.  Otherwise he has an obligation to both STBX and me to make it perfectly clear to her that he wants nothing beyond a friendship with her while he pursues a future with me.  Because either me or STBX is about to be hurt.  He can't spare it and he can't avoid it.  He can only choose to be with one of us and he needs to make sure the message is clear about his decision to all parties.  Otherwise, major setback in the progress we've made across the board.

 

Well, I was overdue for drama.  Serves me right for getting involved with a man who is not divorced yet (as if I am one to talk).  I just feel so annoyed because I am in desperate need of a much longer break from drama.

 

I don't know what's going to happen.  It's in fate's hands now.  If he decides to go back he can become the 2nd man to break my heart and I can deal with it if/when it happens.  It's not even remotely as monumental to be the 2nd heartbreaker.  To make a real dent, he needed to get to me sooner.

 

I would venture a guess that the biggest problem is me.  I'm a real "leave 'em before they leave you" girl and if I even suspect an ending is in the future, I'd rather walk away first then endure false hopes and disappointments.  So, putting the idea in my mind that STBX is trying to win back her man is probably not the best way to quell my ever-present nerves. 

 

I'm already as jumpy as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs when it comes to relationships after my failed marriage.  Do I really need this too?  Am I just not capable of being in a relationship anymore?  Maybe my heart and mind are so soured and jaded and untrusting that I've lost the ability.  I feel like a beaten dog that flinches everytime someone tries to pet it, because the second I let someone close and relax, I panic at the first sign of trouble.

 

Thanks EH, for that legacy.  You've left a permanent disfiguring scar that I might never be able to get past.  A sort of relationship "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder" that sends some nasty signal between heart and brain anytime I feel something resembling love and warns me that to love someone is to commit 12 years of your life to them, busting your ass to take care of them while they stumble along and then come home one day to another woman, a surprise pregnancy that ends in tragedy and the most brokenest heart a girl can have.

 

Gee, when I think of it that way, love don't seem all that grand after all, does it?  Why do we, as human beings, even bother? What godforsaken primal urge is inside us that pushes us to "need" love and companionship?

 

...and can it be permanently removed for a reasonable price???

Posted by Red :: 1:49 PM :: | ---------------------------------------