Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Oh, this old thing?

My supervisor let me go early last night, as she sometimes does, and I raced home at top speed. Seeing PC's car in the parking lot thrilled me and I dashed up the stairs and crept quietly into the house. I tiptoed to the bedroom, following the sounds of the television and saw his toes at the foot of the bed. I sprang into full-speed and threw myself on him, covering him with hugs and kisses.

He didn't have to ask if I missed him.

The evening was fairly low-key. PC had his regular Monday conference call and SG was working on a school project. I fell asleep unexpectedly and woke just as the call ended. PC and I snuggled into our spots and watched tv. Later we played just a bit. Did I imagine that it felt a little different?

Afterwards, we settled onto our front steps for our traditional "After Sex, Before Bed, Robes-Only Cigarette" and talked in the moonlight. We talked a bit about my meltdown that morning and he continued to be understanding. We talked a bit about love, fidelity, honesty, communication and our needs. We seem to be on the same page and I feel infinitely calmer.

I had to correct PC though when he used the word "jealousy". This is a hard distinction to make, but what I feel is not jealousy. If PC wants to leave me for another woman I won't like it, I'll be sad and hurt but I wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't want me anyway. What stirs me up is the fear that he'll keep women on the side for "fun" and lie to me about it the way EH did. The way PC did with his STBX wife. That's what scares me. You can't understand what it is unless you have been through it, but it takes a chunk of your life away. You find yourself re-examining everything over the past trying to pinpoint the clues you missed, the lies you fell for, the signs you overlooked and you see so many hurtful things. I don't ever want to have to rearrange my memories like that again.

I feel better, but tired. Still, it's a new day. I wonder where today will take me?

Posted by Red :: 12:04 PM :: | ---------------------------------------