Monday, February 20, 2006

JACKASS: Definition = The Odd Wife

I need to be locked up. Locked away. Kept from interacting with the public at all costs. Weapons of mass destruction? I know where they are...I found them in my head.

Feeding on my anxiety from last night, I looked for evidence of a problem. I was a lunatic. I stayed up all night trying to rationalize it all. By 5 am I was convinced he couldn't really love me, because I am of course completely unlovable. I decided to "catch" him so I could triumphantly prove that he couldn't love me/be trusted/stay in a relationship with me.

I am a giant jackass.

I went through his cell phone records. When I found 1 number called 2 times a day every day, I thought "Eureka! I found it!" I called the # (hoping like hell to get a voice mail) and a woman answered. I apologized for calling the wrong number and hung up.

Did I mention what a giant jackass I am? Huge. Enormous.

I called the unsuspecting PC at 8 am. He greeted me warmly with his usual "Hey baby!" that sounded happy to hear from me and the tears started to fall right then and there. I love this man and was about to lose him because I was either (a) right and he was a cheating dog or (b) I was about to reveal just how BIG of a jackass I was to him. I was ready to lose him either way.

I apologized and told him I was not doing well and proceded to very tentatively ask him about the things I was worried over.

The phone # turned out to be a work colleague. A real one, not some bullshit story. As it happened, the guys wife answered the phone. And she's probably wondering about the wrong number lady who called her husband.

What's bigger than enormous? I am a super-colossal jackass. I should be flogged.

PC never got upset. He was initially confused, then sorry to hear I was so insane but the entire time we talked he kept assuring me that he loved me, only me, wasn't going to do anything to screw this up, understood completely and encouraged me to always ask him when I had a doubt of any kind. He was a saint. I told him I completely understood if he wanted to dump such a crazy woman and find a nice, sane lady to love and he told me he was staying with me.

I felt better and worse all in one. I also felt an overwhelming urge to slap EH for making me such a fucking jackass. Tempting, but no.

I considered therapy, I considered a convent (do they have pagan convents?), I considered sedation. In the end, I know it will take time and patience from my partner to ever grow back into a person who can trust.

The tears are still falling, only now they are more gratitude for PC's understanding, relief from not catching him at an affair, sorrow for the whopping jackass that I have become, anger at EH for breaking me so completely and just a little hope because PC's understanding and ease with the incident once again offered the tiniest (and I mean TINIEST!!!) glimmer of hope that someone could be trusted.

I still haven't cracked the IM mystery, but I don't think I will ever be able to prove it either.

Meanwhile, PC comes home tonight and I am going to try like hell to get some sort of a grip on myself and not continue to be such an astronomic, barn door, big mama, blimp, colossal, excessive, gargantuan, gigantic, gross, huge, humongous, immense, jumbo, king-size, mammoth, massive, monstrous, mountainous, prodigious, stupendous, super-colossal, titanic, tremendous, vast, whopping JACKASS.

Posted by Red :: 10:01 AM :: | ---------------------------------------