Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Whispering in the Dark

PC and I do a lot of whispering in the dark.

I know that a large part of PC's love for me has to do with him feeling he can talk to me openly and honestly where he has never before shared his thoughts with another person. He admits that communication failure was a large part of the failure of his marriage, his wife was equally non-communicative.

We talk about many things. Religion. Our lives. Our families. Our fears. Our hopes.

We spoke of his family. He has nearly as many family issues as I have. We've both been affected. We spoke of his grandmother who strikes me as an incredible woman. We spoke of his childhood.

We spoke of our past lovers. Always dangerous territory. We counted. I blushed when I admitted to 15 lovers and then I nearly had to scoop my jaw off the ground when he added up to about 120. Yes, 120. PC's college days were...active. I wasn't sure how I felt about that and he could see that it bothered me. He told me that I should look at it as 120 that didn't live up to me and to note that he still makes love to me an average of 2-3 times per day, at the very least 1 time.

We spoke of religion and our feelings on organized religion. We spoke of my paganism and how he felt about that (he's fine with it). We spoke of our faiths.

We spoke of our hopes. What we want in a life together.

We spoke of our children. I worry incessantly about his stepdaughter. She and SG are friends and we've kept them apart since this situation came to be. I worry about how a 10 year old who suffers from severe bi-polar disorder as well as 4 of the 5 major learning disabilities will cope when she comes to understand that her stepdad is now her friend's stepdad someday. I worry about his boys. I adore his boys and long for a time we can spend time together as a family.

We spoke of SG. I worry there too. She adores him and he adores her but I have to eventually meld them both into a family. There's time, but I still worry.

We spoke of our hopes for future holidays. Birthdays and holidays are inconsequential to him and I thrive on them. I made him promise that he'll celebrate with me and let them matter to me. This Christmas is only survivable knowing that future holidays will be far brighter.

So many worries, hopes, fears and tasks ahead. But I still believe in it all.

Posted by Red :: 11:37 AM :: | ---------------------------------------