Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Oddly Enough...I'm Here

Am I back?

Honestly, I don't know.

But you deserve an update, so here it is...

EH moved out about a month ago. We owed rent to PC (who had also moved out of his home and was living in a hotel). EH refused to pay any money to PC and chose to move out instead, essentially leaving me in a bind. Since I couldn't pay PC, PC moved in with me to save the expense of the hotel. EH knew this was the situation and made the decision because he wanted to use his money to purchase a car.

Friends are history. BestFriendM held two meetings in particular that disturbed me. One "secret" meeting with EH during which she counseled him on his options legally to fight me for custody and to "protect himself" and one business meeting with PC during which she insinuated that I was interested in PC for money. PC didn't tell me about that until much later when the topic somehow arose and he admitted it.

My mother and I are beginning to speak. Slowly. Carefully. But it's a start.

EH and I remain on decent terms. We get along well and speak often as if we were the best of friends. On the other hand, he's not financially contributing towards our daughter beyond $70 (half of her after care cost) and what he spends when he takes her out for the day. He's stuck me with all expenses from lunch money to her medical insurance and so on without the slightest remorse. I'm beyond broke and truthfully, unless he helps with the expenses I don't see any way to put anything under the Christmas tree for her. I'd say EH's vision of the finances pretty much illustrates his attitude about money during our entire marriage...it's my problem.

SG, my daughter, is doing just fine. She's taken all of this like a true trooper and has adapted well. She's become completely obsessed with hockey and delights EH with her fierce dedication to the sport. She gets along wonderfully with PC and seems alright with the changes. EH and I remain committed to parenting as a team.

So...wondering about PC?

I'm completely in love. I am not sure how to describe it without being unkind to the memory of EH, but I feel obligated to try. There are so many things I didn't realize I was missing out on in my marriage. We laugh, tease, play, talk seriously about our futures and worries, cuddle, plan...everything. He's so much more on my level than EH was. PC not only gets my silly side, but shares his own silly side. I am in a perpetual state of awe over him. In a dead sleep, if I disturb him ever-so-slightly, he instantly has a huge smile on his face...every time - as if he's so happy to open his eyes and see me there. Sometimes I purposely bump him just to see it. It never fails to make my heart skip a beat. By the same token, he has established boundaries with me that make me feel important to him. EH was never a jealous guy and to some extent that made me feel insignifigant. PC isn't so much jealous, but does make it clear to me that he wouldn't be the right person to toy with. Most amazingly, PC seems to be entirely in love with me right back. This man who has been so closed off for his entire life appears to open up to me so easily and share his soul with me. I love everything about him...from his independence, to his ease with any situation.

And the sex...? I'm exhausted. Remember my sex-starved days of yore? Hah!!! A normal day/night is on avererage 3-4 times daily...every day...without fail. Over and over...and it's only sleep, work or an outside obligation that gives me any reprieve! He can do it again and again and again...and he's amazing at it. Whew...

Times are still tough and the future is really rocky with problems to solve. I still do and always will love EH, but I believe he is much better off without me and that seems to be holding true. He's got a car, a new job, many friends and he's going to be great. Ultimately, I still believe I made the right choice.

PC and I have set New Year's Eve as a sort of "first day of the rest of our lives" night. Not sure what we will do, but we both want it to be special.

The reason for the blog post is simple. Reading through my archives with PC last night - he appreciated an insight into my thoughts and he felt like it was beneficial to me to 'get it all out'.

And maybe it is.

I had ceased blogging to avoid a certain psychopath but I don't see any reason to fret over her any longer.

So, how have you been?

Posted by Red :: 8:58 AM :: | ---------------------------------------