Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Bewitched, Bothered & Bewildered

Yep. That about sums it up.

On All Hallows Eve, I found myself facing my inner demons and pondering the many bewitchings surrounding me.

Even a good witch can find herself under a wicked spell, I imagine. I've been hexed by the best.

Life, or at least life as I know it continues in its way. My office is still crippled and trying to work is hard. I'm in the dark, tapping away at a generator powered computer. It's hot, but somehow the normalcy feels so necessary right now.

Tonight I will go back to what was my home and retrieve my two cats. They can't stay anymore and I worry over them. I imagine it will be hard. I have only been back once, and PlayBoy was with me at the time. I walked in, struggled to remain calm, and left in a daze. By now, the damage is worse from the rain and collapsing ceiling.

I wonder how I will feel when I see it.

Writing about PlayBoy feels wrong somehow. We have become extremely close friends. In a way, he's been a white knight to my family. He's been a master at distracting me this week when EH and I were working to survive and I would be lying to say he isn't the best friend I have. We've played cards, pondered the meaning of life and talked about things we've both experienced. On Sunday when I felt sick and spent a day napping on his couch, he brought me a Coke-flavored Slurpee (my favorite). A small thing, but he truly has done all he could to keep a smile on my face at times when I didn't know I could smile. I know, in writing this, that it reads like there's more, but the truth is that there isn't. And never could be. PlayBoy is and will always be off limits in every way. He is, after all, a PlayBoy, right? And that's okay too. Because his friendship is more valuable and meaningful than anything else I could ever dream up and I feel incredibly lucky to know he feels the same about me. Like I said, writing it sounds so sordid. But then, bloggie, if there was a sordid twist, I think you know I couldn't/wouldn't write it at all. EH is equally grateful that PlayBoy has been there. It's safe all around.

I'm dying slowly in need of my own space. A bed to sleep in. A place to wander at night without feeling like a burden. A quiet space to call mine. That alone will be the death of me. Inside, I just find that I feel lost most of the time. Alone. I feel very, very alone even surrounded by so many people.

It's times like this, you question yourself so much.

Last night, I felt so lightheaded (stress, I imagine) and when I closed my eyes, I imagined I was dying. And I was alright with it. Not in a suicidal way, just in a "giving up" sort of way. Tired. Weary. Beaten. Amazing to feel that way after I had such a lovely evening, but the highs and lows of my days are really stressing me. My highs are the highest ever and my lows scare the life out of me. I can't help thinking rock bottom is a misstep away and I don't have the strength to cope with it. When (if?) it hits...where will I be?

Lost in every way?

Part of me wants to be entirely alone. I want to be abandoned, left, hurt, defeated and broken just to get it over with and survive that too. I want to find myself in a small, dark space with no one and nothing.

Bizarre?

Not really, because I finally realized why I feel that way. If you have no one and nothing - you can't lose anything. Readers know how much I've lost...jobs, friends, my mother, my stepfather, nearly my marriage, my baby boy...my mind. I'm terrified to lose more people, things, faith...

I've babbled, I know. And as always, my silent outlet has tolerated my madness. It took writing this to understand it all myself, but I finally realize how very afraid and fragile I am. Not nearly as strong as people think...just a fraud, a fake, a coward hiding under a phony facade. Inside, I am just crumbling. Why is it that the people around me think I am so strong? Are they that blind? Not one person sees who I really am. Not one person knows me and how afraid and angry and lost I am. How can that be?

Alone sounds better and better by the minute.

Posted by Red :: 9:51 AM :: | ---------------------------------------