Saturday, October 15, 2005

Emptying my junk-drawer mind

Everyone has a junk drawer, right? You know the one, you shove every little thing that has no other place in it. Eventually you have a drawer overflowing with random crap.

That's my mind.

So, let's spill in true random order. Don't expect it to make sense, just purge.

i'm working 60+ hours a week including weekends and managing by crisis because no one at my office will support the changes we all initially agreed to and i'm getting a boatload of grief for 40+ files that were in ridiculously crappy shape before i ever walked through the door and working with EH is beginning to drive me fucking batty because i never have 10 seconds of privacy and then he doesn't do simple things right and i get pissed off and he gets pissed off and maybe working together isn't such a great idea after all because i just want to run away half the time even though i love him so much that it hurts and then i was getting ready for work and this video by kelly clarkson came on called "because of you" and it struck some chord in me regarding my psycho mother and i just started crying and wasn't sure i could ever stop and i didn't let anyone see me and i didn't tell anyone which is really unlike me to hide my feelings and then i'm starting to realize that sometimes you really want something only to have it offered to you and realize you aren't so sure you want it after all but now you feel obligated and then your close friends begin to cling to you somehow and grabbyman is wanting to talk to you all the time about his problems and playboy is telling you his problems and marveling at how he can open up to you more than anyone else and meanwhile you have no one you can talk to and the stress levels are about to make you crack and your emotions are just under your skin and you just wish you could spend an entire day in pajamas in bed with a girlfriend watching movies and telling each other all the things on your mind and you know that's not really possible because you have no time and no place to do it and you just start wishing more than anything that you could be all alone for a month or two and you begin to wonder if you are going to be like your mother and go crazy and bi-polar and you're too afraid to tell anyone and you find that you hide your feelings more and more and eventually no one has a clue what's in your head because you have all this stuff that hurts but you always have this smile on your face and people think you are so happy and confident and fun and inside you just feel lost and doomed and dying but it's okay for just a second because you lost 7 lbs.

Yeah. I think I'll go to the gym and try to work some of this off. Sadly, what I did spill is only a fraction of my junk drawer mind. And the stuff you don't know is even worse.

Posted by Red :: 10:25 AM :: | ---------------------------------------