Saturday, October 15, 2005

Ahhh, my pretty peanut...

So, in a comment pretty peanut writes, "I was given your site by leela, who told me you might have gone through what I am currently going through with my hubby. I could use some advice if you have the time.

Am I really qualified to give advice?

I stay angry. It never goes away, it only rests periodically. The moment EH and I get into a good fight I play the "you cheated" card. I hate it. He hates it. But there it is. A permanent scar that never goes away. My anger is because I was tricked, lied to, betrayed and because my naive and foolish heart was destroyed. An innocent heart doesn't grow back. Your "new heart" is one of doubt, scars and cynicism. I don't know if that's good or not. I do know that I have changed.

I don't hurt anymore. You would think that would be a good thing, but it's not. I haven't healed. I've only gone numb. I've lost that sensation of loving someone so much that a betrayal destroys you. Now I just believe in expecting to be hurt. I look around at my friends who cheat, my husband who cheated, my parents who cheated and I think "everyone cheats" and the trick is in how well you can cover your ass. I stopped believing in perfect love. Now I just believe in looking out for myself. If I see a painful situation coming my way, I plan to walk the other direction.

I don't worry anymore. The greatest lesson I have learned is that you can't force someone to be faithful. If they aren't, you eventually begin to analyze their every molecule and make a mental list of pros and cons. When the cons outnumber the pros, it's no longer worth putting up with. I stayed because my pros outnumbers the cons. If that changes at some point, I could change my mind.

I never stop thinking about revenge. I never stop wondering how he would feel. I never stop wondering if I could hurt him the way that he hurt me. I never stop wondering how he would cope.

So, am I really ideal to offer advice? I just don't know.

I've never really recovered. It's like a crippling car wreck. You may never be the same but somehow you go on...

And you will go on.

Posted by Red :: 3:56 PM :: | ---------------------------------------