Monday, November 07, 2005

Am I My Mother's Daughter?

There's a question that's been on my mind lately. Am I my mother's daughter?

My mother destroyed her 2nd marriage to my stepfather, a good man, because she wanted/needed more in her life. After, she turned hard, cold, distant and seriously bi-polar.

Am I my mother's daughter? Is that going to be me?

I've learned a lot about myself in the past few weeks. The last year and a half has taken a far greater toll on me than I had realized. When facing a situation that would normally tear me apart, I just seem to go numb inside. Cold. I don't feel all the things I should feel. I don't feel the pain or the fear.

Tonight, EH and I are scheduled to have a talk. A serious talk. I've avoided blogging about it because I was trying to figure it all out on my own and since EH reads this, it seemed unkind to unload my thoughts here.

I don't expect the talk to go well. In truth, by the end of it, my marriage will more than likely be over. And I'm prepared for that. All I feel is sorry. I don't want to hurt EH. I never want him hurt. I love him - and I always will. But things have changed.

Maybe it was all we went through. Maybe somehow losing the house was my final straw. Maybe it's him. Maybe it's me. Maybe it's both of us, neither of us...does anyone really know why a marriage fails?

And yes, PlayBoy is a central figure. But you knew that, didn't you? Maybe it's the fact that I was able to talk to him when I felt so closed off from everyone else. Maybe his need to make my life better. Maybe the way he keeps saying he wants to take care of me when no one ever has and I have always had to take care of everyone else. Maybe it was when he told me he was in love with me - this unobtainable man who has broken hearts as long as I have known him and sworn he could never fall in love. Maybe it's the fact that my daughter can sleep in her bed under a roof he put over her head.

I don't know. I just know that it's been this huge relief to me to have someone who loves me, understands me and doesn't want me to be his mother.

I'm hurting too, somewhere...I don't feel it now. Maybe later I will.

I'm sorry I let you down. But I am relieved to finally be honest. I expect the unhappy comments. I expect the shock, anger and barbs. It's okay. I deserve them and I won't be able to feel them anyway. EH is a good, good man but maybe in many ways he lost me when he hurt me last year. This wasn't revenge - I never expected to find myself here.

But here I am. My mother's daughter. I wonder if she'd be proud now.

Posted by Red :: 5:14 PM :: | ---------------------------------------