Thursday, November 03, 2005

Honesty...Such a Lonely Word

I'm surviving...sort of.

My blood pressure is 222/133. Not good. I see a hospital visit in my future.

It looks like we can move into the condo this weekend. I went and saw it again last night and it's still the most beautiful place I have ever dreamed of living in.

EH and I are not doing well. With the intense stress in my life at the moment, my response is to be withdrawn and he feels that I should be more exceptionally loving towards him. He keeps saying he never sees me - which drives me batty since we work together and are together every night (mostly). I think what he really means is that we never see each other alone...which is just not possible when we have no place to be alone. In the past 11 days I have been "spoken to" about my lack of affection 3 times, always in the middle of the night (which would be fine if I had more than a cumulative of 12 hours sleep in the past 11 days). At the moment, it's another pressure for me. Perform! Swoon! Pay attention to me! That's usually my role and the reversal is driving us further apart. I keep begging him to just give me space and wait out the current situation but he's not holding up well. And instead of inspiring romance, it's making me want to just scream.

The problem is, I'm just cold and numb inside lately. I have no idea if this is permanent or temporary. I've never gone numb like this before.

PlayBoy and I had an honesty issue yesterday that shook me up more than I had thought possible. We discussed it and he opened up and I think we're communicating much clearer now. I hope so. I have a lot of my life resting on his words right now and at this point, I need to keep believing in him. He apologized and seemed deeply sorry that it had happened. He asked me to trust him again. We all know I have developed trust issues with people, so I agreed to not let this come between our friendship but I admitted that it had to be a wait and see matter with me. If it happened again...well, it would have a signifigant impact on our friendship regardless of how amazing our friendship is. PlayBoy seems to understand this. Our friendship has come to be important to both of us and I do believe that he doesn't want that to happen. PlayBoy has become aware of my blog courtesy of Hurricane conditions that prompted me to check my site from his laptop and there's always a possibility he'll be a reader at some point. I would have to say we're at a comfort level where I could be okay with that. So, PlayBoy - if you do happen to drop by...remember you're essentially reading my diary and be nice :) (I know you will)

I'm attending the Billy Idol concert tonight with EH, Gman, and PlayBoy. Woohoo! 3 dates! It would be great if I wasn't beyond exhausted. I'm awake (thanks to massive caffeine infusions) but my temper, emotions and attitude are all sucking at the moment. I've snapped at my boss, I've alienated my husband, I've imposed horribly upon BestFriendM, GrabbyMan and PlayBoy and truthfully, I'm about ready to pack a backpack and jump an Amtrak to Instanbul.

Bear with my bloggies. I'm depriving you of total disclosure at the moment, but only because I lack the energy, courage and strength to face it all. I'm so much more of a wreck than you know...and some of you know me well. I'll figure myself out and hopefully with some sleep (say...a week?) I'll find out if I'm still me again or if I have become this otherworldy entity.

Posted by Red :: 11:15 AM :: | ---------------------------------------