Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Tangled Webs

Hurting EH last night was without a doubt the hardest thing I have ever done. And at the same time, so relieving to be honest.

Tensions are high. Particularly with EH, PlayBoy and myself working in the same place. Everyone is stepping lightly. I feel like a complete jerk for bringing this on people I care for. I never expected any of this, but here it is.

PlayBoy really should have a new name, but I am not ready to change it just yet. The term no longer fits him exactly since he has committed himself 100% in pursuit of being with me. Still, to keep the story straight, we'll keep him as Playboy for now.

EH suffered last night and all I could do was be there. I would have given my life to make it not hurt him. He blames himself. I blame myself. There's a lot of blame, isn't there?

Tonight, I am having dinner with CB. Remember CrazyBoss? She's offering me something new. At this point, it's worth listening.

PlayBoy's wife is also suffering. Their marriage has been over for many years, but he had always planned to stick it out for the boys. Now he wants out and his wife is afraid. She's never had to work, although she has a teacher's license. She strikes me as a very money-driven woman and I've seen her be very unkind to Playboy. I don't like her, but I feel for her as much as I do for the rest of us.

EH wants to save the marriage, but I wonder if he will feel the same when the shock dulls a bit. He commented that "all he knew was us" and it struck me that this was really indicative of how I have been feeling. It wasn't a declaration of love, but rather a dependency. Feeling like the main salary earner, caregiver and decision maker is my biggest problem. EH is very easy going but lacks any motivation to get ahead in life. I've pushed him for 10 years and I'm just tired. Burnt out.

I love EH, but I've lost so much ability inside of myself to be his wife. Even as he hurt openly last night, I felt so dead inside.

PlayBoy is hurting too, I can tell. His wife is crying and he's not sleeping and he's worrying over me. His feelings for me are unchanged though and I have to admit to being rather impressed by it all.

Playboy isn't to blame and I really need to make that clear. If we were both single, this would be a no-brainer. But we're not. And unfortunately this has caused us to both realize all of the things that are wrong in our marriages and lives and find a choice in front of us both.

SG is unaware and adjusting well to her new school like the trooper she is.

I'm a ball of nerves all around. Trying my best to focus on work today and not do anymore damage.

I appreciate not being blasted in comments, by the way. Everyone has been understanding and kind.

Posted by Red :: 10:58 AM :: | ---------------------------------------