Sunday, December 18, 2005

Friendless in Florida

I'm missing my friends.

The funny thing about divorcing is how your friends suddenly disappear. In my marriage to EH, our friends were entirely comprised of my friends that became "our" friends. In the wake of the disaster of our demise, all friends have become solely EH's friends - including my best friend.

I can understand them not understanding or supporting my choice. Oddly, the majority of them had commented over the years how they felt I was "carrying" EH (a direct quote and several had suggested that they felt I was being taken advantage of. All those who felt I could be better off without EH suddenly see me as the "bad wife" who lef ther husband.

And still, I can understand. It hurts, but I understand.

Most hurtful to me is the loss of my best friend. We were living with her when our house fell down in Hurricane Wilma for 2 weeks. We moved out on a Friday, EH and I had our marriage ending discussion the following Monday and in the week that followed I went into "quiet mode" dealing with EH, PC and myself trying to find an answer. The following Monday, EH met secretly with BestFriendM - a meeting they both kept from me. He refused to discuss who he was meeting and she and her husband outright lied to me about the meeting. I got angry. I didn't confront her, I just didn't call her and she equally avoided me. A few days later, she met with PC and suggested I was motivated by money (Ha!) to be with PC. And, in the days since she has been absent in my life.

All the Christmas traditions we shared with BestFriendM over the last 8 years have become obsolete, but it still surprised me when she and EH went to a holiday event we had always gone to as a group together. Alone (with the kids). No husband. Just them. I'm not jealous, mind you. I personally would prefer that they somehow DID get together because, friends or not, I think they'd be great together and I would love her as SG's stepmom since she is already a 2nd mom to her. She's fair and fun and while we have fallen out, I would still trust her with the important role in SG's life. So, rule out jealousy and color me just sad...

It hurts to be so alone this time of year. SG is overcompensating for EH's changed role in her life by fixating on him. Our friends are now solely EH's friends. And I find that PC is all I have in my life.

PC remains amazing. But the role of my lone person is too big to give to any one person and I miss my friends.

On a happier note - PC still rocks my world. He's a rock of support and comfort and fun. He is everything and more I could dream up in a man. Saturday night treated me to an evening of being blindfolded, fed sweet treats from chocolate to ice to maple syrup ala 9 1/2 weeks and teased and tormented for hours until I had to surrender and plead exhaustion. I can't help but think of all he is to me...and all he means to me.

And how much it would hurt to not have him in my life. I am in love with him. But I desperately need the outlet of friends to keep from leaning on him so much...not that he minds, but *I* mind.

I hate feeling needy.

Then again, maybe it's just PMS...?

Posted by Red :: 10:30 PM :: | ---------------------------------------