Thursday, December 15, 2005

Random Clarity

I feel slightly better, even though the same worries are on my mind. I'm going to purge here and move forward...

I'm tired of being stressed, depressed and worried. I feel like I am always fretting over something and smiling is getting harder and harder to do naturally.

I'm stressed and depressed over the holidays. I'm not sure what the plan is yet, but I suspect that between EH taking SG and PC seeing his boys, I could easily spend Christmas alone. Now, I keep telling myself it will be fine, but I have to admit that it's a culture shock to me. I've had 32 years of chaotic holidays where I have to travel to 8 different family homes to unwrap gifts because of all the separated family members and usually I am overwhelmed. This year I asked that no one buy for me since I can't afford to buy for them and PC and I have agreed not to exchange gifts this year so I am imagining an empty tree, an empty house and a very lonely day. I'm thinking seriously about looking into some sort of volunteer thing to distract myself and stop me from going into "woe-is-me" mode.

I'm worried over money, but what else is new???

I'm stressed over work. More on that later...much later...

I'm feeling burdensome to PC, although he swears I'm not. His soon-to-be-ex-wife and he are struggling with the issues over their 2 children and I'm always somehow in the way.

Which is a great segue for a karma tale. Karma has come to me in spades. Long-time readers will recall what I went through when I caught EH in his affair and how his other woman enjoyed provoking and antagonizing me. There was much pain, anger and confusion to ensue. Well, karma treated me to a special view of this when PC let it be known to his wife that he was in a relationship with me. I received a series of very nasty voicemails from her that ranged from name-calling to threats to ugly insinuations. In my mind was remembering how I felt when I learned EH had betrayed me with another woman and do you know what my response was?

Nothing.

Not a word, not a response, nothing. First, in respect for PC I am not about to engage his wife in any sort of confrontation. Second, I feel genuinely sorry for her. She spent 9 years in a marriage that made them both unhappy. No communication, no affection, no trust, no shared life and she somehow still thought that they should stay married - although it didn't seem to be out of "love". More out of duty. I can understand how easy it is for her to blame me, but the truth is that it was widely known that PC's master plan was to stay until his children were 18 and then leave. I didn't break up their marriage. He was already gone. But rather than argue it, I intend to remain respectful. Should she ever manage to get me on the phone or face to face I intend to remain compassionate and stick with an "I understand" response. I have no intention or desire to cause her any further pain or anger. The issues between them are between her and PC alone.

So...PC. PC seems to sense I'm dealing with something mentally and has been loving and attentive. He really is a miracle to me. I find myself playing it "down" in some respect because I can't see myself shouting from the rooftops about my love while dealing with divorce and the hurt I've caused but I confess that the desire is there. I'm in love. Totally and completely. I know we have a long road ahead of us before we can resign ourselves to normalcy, but I'm going to make that path.

Because the paradise that lies at the end of it is more than I could have ever imagined.

Posted by Red :: 10:31 AM :: | ---------------------------------------