Monday, December 19, 2005

Tiptoeing Towards Content

As if to confirm that yesterday was a bad case of PMS, I feel infinitely better today.

PC came home last night and I admitted to feeling down and talked to him about why. He held me close and told me he understood and that he would be there for me. He told me we'd make new & better friends. He told me he was sorry I was hurting.

He made me feel better.

Today finds me bustling about, busy at work and feeling up!

PC brings out good things in me. He pushes me to get things done when I'd rather ignore them and wish they'd go away. He keeps me focused (or tries to) and he makes me feel like a better life really is just a few steps away. He inspires me.

He loves me.

EH and I are bickering. Not majorly, but in a way that lets me know we're not going to be friends in the real sense of the word. That makes me sad, but I understand. I plan to start the paperwork for divorce after the 1st of the year to get the whole thing over and done with.

The funny thing is, in retrospect - I am so glad I made this decision. Forget PC - I am seeing all the problems in my marriage with crystal clarity and it surprises me how blind I was to EH's ways. I see him with different eyes now and I'm sad to admit that I can't see how we lasted as long as we did. I know that I did truly love him, but I was blind to how he took advantage of me and left all the "work" to me. I should have left him when he stopped trying to earn a decent living. I should have left him when he cheated. Hindsight...

Now I just want to move forward...

The Christmas spirit is eluding me this year. I'm without money to buy gifts for anyone and have only managed to get a few very small and inexpensive items for SG. I won't be able to get PC anything at all or my family. I'm sad because SG is so young and will wonder why Santa bypassed her this year. She's been such a trooper...

Next Christmas will be beautiful...I'm sure of it.

Posted by Red :: 3:48 PM :: | ---------------------------------------