Thursday, December 29, 2005

Hindsight is what?

Just when you think you find yourself, you begin to realize you're still as lost as ever. Am I just not meant to fit into this life?

There are a jumble of things clouding my thoughts...

EH. I'm over him. That's good. I still do and always will care about him, but I am over him. That bothers me a bit. What happened to that true love I believed in? Shouldn't it have taken longer? Was I ever really in love? I was so sure that I was. Am I capable of love? Being around EH is hard. We went to see a movie together with SG last night because she wanted so badly to see Memoirs of a Geisha and we had planned it for eons. Being beside someone I once felt so loved by and loved and now standing as a stranger feels so awkward and stiff.

My mother. She called on Christmas finally. Around 4 pm. After not returning 3-4 messages I had left during the 2 weeks prior. I was partly relieved and partly disappointed. Disappointed because if she had not called I could have realized we were never going to have a relationship and perhaps tried to move on.

My job. My boss tried to save her own skin by implicating EH in a felony fraud charge. EH was not responsible. The guilty party is a sales mgr that she would not want to lose. I stood up for EH yesterday and now she seems to want to pin it on me. Friday will be my last day. I won't work for someone who is not only that dishonest and unscrupulous.

Money. Got none. None coming. Scary stuff.

PC. He still has his walls with me. Sometimes they're lowered. Other times I can feel them between us as solid as brick. It makes me wonder what he keeps from me. He has a habit of hiding himself. His first wife was oblivious to his life - there were so many secrets. I can't live that way. I know it will take infinite patience and love to let him finally relax with me and I want a life with him, but it's really hard to tiptoe around someone when you are dealing with so much of your own pain. When I feel the wall go up, I feel shut out and hurt. I could just put up my own walls, but that would be mimicking PC's first unhappy marriage. PC's sick right now and I'm fighting off the same cold, so we're both just...down, I guess.

PMS. Will it ever end??? Did stress cause me to skip a period?

Me. I'm unhappy. And once again feeling a bit alone. I'm worried and upset over my career, dealing with all the changes in my life and worrying incessantly over everything. At the same time, I feel like I have to try to behave like nothing is wrong...no one would understand.

I'm overdue for a nervous breakdown, don't you think?

I have this overwhelming desire to find myself sitting on the beach at night, just thinking. Just being alone.

I know I'm in a state of depression. I can feel it. But hey - I've earned it! The one thing I don't feel is weak. I feel a small amount of strength inside of me. I know I need to find a way.


Now I just have to figure out how to get out of it. Now I just have to figure out what I want in my life.

...and what I don't.

Posted by Red :: 8:51 AM :: | ---------------------------------------