Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Delusions of Grandeur?

Christmas turned out to be better than expected. My family joined us for Christmas dinner and we played Monopoly late into the night. My family has really taken to PC, which is nice.

My mother dropped by at 9 pm last night and visited for about 45 minutes. It was awkward and the conversation was about as easy as brain surgery. But at least she stopped by...

EH inadvertantly dropped a bombshell on me by commenting on his plans to celebrate Christmas with BestFriendM after the New Year. BestFriendM, the traitor, has a gift for SG so the merry event that is an annual tradition will only be minus my presence. All the hurt and abandoned feelings I had are gone and replaced by pure disgust for this "so-called friend" who knows nothing about friendship. We were best friends for nearly 8 years and the idea that she has dumped me and become so close to EH still stings. I would have stood by her through anything and the idea that she abandoned me because she didn't agree with my choice makes me realize how shallow our friendship must have been. Even PC is surprised by her reaction.

PC and I lapsed into some premature plans last night that got my head spinning a bit. Our relationship has transitioned easily, if quickly, into the comfortable togetherness that couples usually take years to warm to. But somewhere in my subconscious is this little alarm bell. I have no idea what it's ringing about, but it's there. And it worries me. Is there something missing that I haven't caught onto yet? Trust issues? Financial worries? Moving too fast? I have no idea.

I'm in love with PC. Occasionally, it occurs to me that perhaps PC is not in love with me, so much as he is in love with the idea of being in love with me. Like some inner voice in him is running a list:

- Frequent sex? Check!
- Good communication? Check!
- Willing to contribute to household? Check!

Ok! Basics are in place...let's have a relationship.

Or...maybe my PMS is just making my brain screwy. I swear, I am on week 2 of PMS without the period and it's making me insane.

I haven't "cooled" towards PC. I am still enjoying him thoroughly. I even enjoy when he annoys me. Yesterday he was making me insane with to-do lists and I just wanted to relax, and I loved it even as I plotted his death. I feel tired, stressed or worried and he smiles at me in this certain way and I forget everything but how much I love him.

But what if I really am just some "check" on a list. What if he really is incapable of truly loving someone?

What if PMS lasts forever?

I honestly think it boils down to my feeling of security. PC and I have moved very fast in a short period of time and while I feel sure of my own feelings, I am still accepting his feelings. I need to be able to trust that he loves me and is prepared for the future we are planning together and on some levels I am still not there. PC has stayed in an unhappy marriage and hid his feelings in the past and that leaves me very worried that I could be fooled as well. Sometimes I believe it without pause, but there are moments I feel like he could just as easily walk away.

And if that's true, how can I plan for a future?

I can't be hurt again. With all I have been through and all I have given up to be here, it would be devastating. I don't know that I would recover.

It boils down to security. How do you convince yourself that someone's feelings are true?

Posted by Red :: 9:02 AM :: | ---------------------------------------