Sunday, September 11, 2005

September 11, Schizo Party, Bi-polar Moms and a Hindsight Review

First, it wouldn't feel right to begin a post and not include a nod to the day. September 11 is a day that will be forever emblazoned on the mind of Americans.

I remember "where I was" and "what I was doing" with crystal clarity. I was working for ANC Rental Corporation, the parent company for Alamo and National Car Rental Center. I had just been promoted after a year to an executive level PR position. I remember hearing someone say "Oh my God, a plane just crashed into the World Trade Center" and moments later "Another one! Another plane crashed into the other building!" And my blood ran cold.

The terrorists rented an Alamo rental car to get to the airport, so my life exploded into crisis mode.

I remember leaving work early - I felt I had to get to my daughter and bring her home to be with me. I remember leaving my office in the middle of a very busy office district and the streets were silent and empty. Nearby, a church bell tolled non-stop. It was eerie and chilling.

We survived CB's party yesterday. She alternately ignored me, occasionally fixing an eye upon me and then impromptu bursts of friendly chat and laughter. It was like an exercise in schizophrenia.

I called my mother yesterday. What an idiot I am. Have I learned yet? I wanted to tell her the things that were going on and hear her say how proud she was of me. Instead, she cut me off repeatedly with bored sighs and "that's nice" and answered my every statement with a comment about how she hated her job, had no money, no life, no happiness, no energy, no joy...and so on. At a guess, I'd say mom's off the bi-polar disorder meds again. No, she wasn't proud. She resented me for telling her anything positive about my life while she was so negative. Had I called to tell her EH had left me, stolen my car and kidnapped SG and that I was about to slice my wrists and end it all, she probably would have been overjoyed. I remember when I was younger and she was the most supportive person in the world to me and never failed to tell me how proud she was. What an ass I was hoping to hear it again.

I won't be calling her again. She lives 10 minutes away and I've seen her twice this year. She never calls and woulnd't be able to pick her only granddaughter out of a line-up. And we used to be closer than best friends, closer than sisters. In the last 2-3 years she has turned into this negative, nasty, selfish person and has cut off communication with everyone but her new boyfriend. I've made a million attempts and been rebuffed at every turn.

This coming week should be an active one. I'll be simultaneously working and building the new venture on the side. I have mixed feelings in a sense - everything moving forward is intensely positive, but I am also beginning to examine how deeply conned I was. CB is a con-artist in the purest sense and has made a mockery of the business we do. I can't help but reflect back on my dream before I accepted this job...prophetic, indeed. And then there was the tarot spread I did...the card in the present position is suddenly of the greatest interest in hindsight. Doesn't it sound like CB?

All in all, it's been a lovely Sunday. The Miami Dolphins kicked ass. I made a ton of snacks. I rested, relaxed and lazed about...it was pure heaven. For some reason, I LOVE football on tv and beer in the house with tons of snacks (which is weird, since I don't actually watch the game or drink beer). To me, it's all the sounds and sights of autumn, my favorite season and my soul just warms at the hint of it.

Posted by Red :: 4:18 PM :: | ---------------------------------------