Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Wandering

It's late. I can't sleep.

I just finished reading The Time Traveler's Wife and it was wonderful. It took me just over 24 hours to finish. As usual, I devoured it. It's going into my treasury of favorites. I highly recommend it.

I still feel like hell. I don't know why. Earlier this morning, I wondered if I might be pregnant because I was constantly starving and running to the bathroom to pee. I'm trying not to even think about it. It can't be. And I can't take another of those damned tests. Every negative hurts. But even if I was pregnant, it's pretty hopeless.

Remember that line in Steel Magnolias? How did it go...? "The doctor didn't say she couldn't have a baby, he said she shouldn't." That's pretty accurate here too. With Christian last year, my blood pressure was so high...

Christian...it seems so hard to believe that a year ago now I was pregnant. I didn't know it yet. It would be another 2 weeks before I figured it out and I would be suitably shocked. June 9th. That was the day I found out.

The book stirred some memories for me that hurt. There's a sequence of miscarriages that pulled at my heart. And now, in the middle of the night, I'm just sort of wandering through the sad feelings, waiting for them to pass.

I'm sad that I didn't take better care of myself. If I had, maybe there would be more babies. Maybe I would feel better. Maybe breathing wouldn't hurt.

Maybe memories like these wouldn't come to call and stir up that which hurts.

There are babies all around me. My pregnant co-worker who waddles around, rubbing her huge belly. My expecting chiropractor. Blogger friends like Amateur Dad with his brand new baby, Catt and her not-yet-born son...don't get me wrong, I am dazzled by my daughter. But she wishes for a sibling just as much as I wish for a baby. And when she mentions it, everything inside of me just runs cold.

Yuck, yuck, yuck. Is that enough depression for a night? I've gotten it out of my system, spilled it here where it can fade away into the archives like a memory. Now I suppose I really should try to rest before whatever this icky virus feeling is overtakes me...I need to get back on my feet and get back to happy things.

I got a new guided meditation cd. It might be just the thing to lull me to sleep.

Posted by Red :: 12:38 AM :: | ---------------------------------------