Thursday, June 02, 2005

My Slow Suicide

I woke up in the middle of the night last night again, struggling for breath. Second time this week. I find it happening throughout my days. I find it waking me from deep sleeps. Air moves in and out, but I feel as if I am breathless and not getting the oxygen I need.

I made my appointment with my new primary care doctor for this coming Wednesday at lunchtime. I began to research congestive heart failure online.

And I'm stunned.

My former jackass of a doctor never explained anything to me. Just threw out the word heart failure, heart murmur and sent me away.

He didn't tell me that 50% of the women who are diagnosed with it die within 5 years. Or that only 20% survive more than 8-12 years.

He didn't tell me that the breathlessness and murmur is actually quite bad, and may indicate I am further along with my failure...meaning what??? Less than 5 years? He didn't say "Grade 4".

All the cigarettes I smoked before I quit for good on May 6th. All the times I neglected to care for my blood pressure. All the stress I let affect me. All the times I forgot to take medication. All the years I didn't take it seriously.

I'm 32. Are you seriously telling me I won't see 40? How do I go home tonight and explain that to my husband? And SG? Do I quit working? Do I spend the next 8 years trying to cram another 40 years of life into it? Do I say anything at all or do I keep this my little secret? Do I tell my family? Do I only have 5-12 years to live?

What? Am I honestly facing life/death moments here? Did I make myself terminal?

If you smoke, stop right fucking now. If you have high blood pressure, keep it controlled. If you don't know - check it at the local drugstore. If it's 140/90 or higher, see a doctor. If the doctor puts you on medication, take it like it's a matter or life or death.

Don't be me. Don't commit suicide slowly and carelessly. I don't know what I'm going to find out on Wednesday, but I am scared t- - -, heh...I almost typed scared "to death". Ironic, isn't it?

Morbid, isn't it? But these posts are my thoughts and I don't edit them or slant them to be more positive or negative than I really feel. I don't put on a smiley face here. I just say it...

Did I kill myself?

Posted by Red :: 4:28 PM :: | ---------------------------------------