Monday, February 27, 2006

My Bad Man

What makes a person "bad"?

PC considers himself to be bad. He's been told he's "bad" all of his life. STBX has repeatedly told him how "bad" he is. He takes a certain amount of pride in his badness.

He told me we're a perfect fit because I am bad too.

Now, I admit to being far from perfect. I know that I have a tendency to look at a situation and my first thoughts are of how the situation affects me. I don't mean to be selfish or self-centered, but I do react that way before cognizant thought has a chance to organize. Your house just burned down? My first thought is of that scarf I loaned you, whether you plan to stay with me or of the dinner party we were supposed to attend at your place next week. Only after those thoughts flood my mind in the first 15 seconds do I have a moment to realize how sorry I am for you.

And if your misfortune can be my good fortune, I think of that too.

I don't mean to. It's how I am wired. I never thought I was a bad person. I supposed I am after all. I pretended to be deeply offended and sulked a bit. He seemed unsure of whether I was teasing or not. Inside I was laughing at his silliness.

PC has made choices in his life that weren't "good" choices. He's used situations to his advantage. He's manipulated. Is he bad?

From an outsider's perspective, I could see how someone might want to call him a "bad man". He's broken the law (white collar crime back in the day) and paid the price. He left his marriage. He slept around while married. And so on...

But this is the same man who sees to it that my needs are met, holds me tight when I need it most, tries to please me every chance he gets and whispers that he loves me in the night. He's anything but bad to me.

When I worry or fret, he jumps to soothe me or reassure me. He promises things will work out and then looks for ways to make that happen. Since PC lacks the capacity for empathy or sympathy, this is a special compliment to my position in his life.

That Off-Broadway show I have been dying to see for many years? He gets the tickets. My favorite restaurants? Pricey, but he takes me to both of my favorites in the span of 1 month. My lifelong dream of seeing snow? He flies me to Chicago on my birthday to see it for the first time.

I worry from time to time that something awful will happen to me and he won't want to be around it. With STBX's father in bad shape, PC hasn't lost any sleep over it or tried to see him, even though they were "friends" for 10 years or so. I worry about what might happen if I got sick. If the family cancer hit me, or a stroke or something awful.

What will happen if I get cancer? I asked him.

Then we'll go through that. He told me.

We. We.

And I believe him. Because to me, this bad man is only very, very good.

Posted by Red :: 12:40 PM :: | ---------------------------------------