Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Oh Ye of Little Faith

I lack faith.

Religion: As I have mentioned, I was raised pagan - but was encouraged to explore all religions to find what fit me best. And I did. I tried to fit in with my Christian friends, attended church with them and tried to believe. I couldn't begin to tell you how many nights as a child I lay in my bed, begging 'God' to hear me and got no answer. For a time, I considered myself atheist, believing there was no God. And then, I returned to my pagan roots and was taught by a coven high priestess about the ancient ways. There are as many paths of paganism as there are branches of Christianity, but I was essentially taught that we shape much of our own paths and destinies and are free to call upon the Goddess or use the tools she has provided us in nature and spirit to find our way. When someone says something like "Don't worry, God will provide" I just feel sick.

The Goodness of Mankind: People are essentially selfish beings and as time marches on, they become progressively more awful. People easily lie, cheat, steal and even kill. Strangers in public are hostile and rude. Customer service died out ages ago. There is the tiniest handful of truly good people left in the world, and I am lucky to know a handful of them. But whenever someone offers me help or some kindness or favor, I immediately wonder at the alterior motive. I've been screwed over too many times by trusting people. I keep a few close friends and hold everyone else at a safe distance because my trust is hard-won.

Luck: EH and I are two of the unluckiest people in the world. Murphy's Law was written for us. Whatever can possibly go wrong, WILL. The check WILL be lost in the mail, the car WILL break down, the deals WILL fall apart, someone WILL get sick...you name it. I once dropped a payment off at a check cashing store for a utility bill that was late and was called hours later to be told an armed robber had entered as I left and stolen my check with the rest of the loot. Banks lose my deposits. I've been robbed, almost kidnapped as a child, sexually assaulted, had my life threatened at the tender age of 5 because my mom's new husband had a very jealous ex-wife and liked to suggest that I might 'disappear'...Luck??? Not for us. Whatever the worst case scenario is, we can count on it. Somehow, we just shrug most of it off anymore...we have each other, who needs the rest of it?

So, my new boss at my new job wants to solve our housing crisis. She tells me to just trust that "God will provide" and that she can swing me any kind of deal I need. She hands me a stack of houses to go check out this weekend. Why am I NOT remotely excited?

Because I lack faith.

Posted by Red :: 10:38 PM :: | ---------------------------------------