Sunday, May 22, 2005

Skittish

Aha. So EH spilled the story of the other night.

It's true. Something rather innocent caught my attention and seemed a bit suspicious to me. It still does.

And yes, I love him.

Let me explain...

I'm a bit emotionally skittish now. I've never been hurt or betrayed in a relationship and last year was hard to take. I still feel madly in love with EH, but I am also very afraid. Have you ever seen a dog that's been abused? The way his tail wags tentatively and you can see in his eyes how much he wants to feel your hand on his head, but he's crouched low to the ground and looks prepared to bolt. Even as much as he is wanting your touch, he is prepared to flee in anticipation of a severe beating.

That's me. I'm the beat dog.

How many times have you heard of a repeat cheater? Someone who cheats over and over? Of course we never hear of the man who strays and then is well-behaved for the rest of his life, right?

So, I watch. Wait. Anticipating that he might do it again. Knowing it would kill me if he did. Knowing I would never be able to love again. Afraid.

I move to feel him. My heart beats for him. I wrap myself around him entirely and find myself falling into a place where I trust him and believe in him.

But in the very far corners of my subconsciousness, I am always watching for a signal. Wanting to be able to run before he can hurt me again. Ready to bolt.

It's hard. Harder than it would have been to leave him after last year. Much harder. But this man is my soul mate (without question). If it's not going to be him, then I don't want anyone else either.

So I keep trying. I have to. I love him. Even if I'm skittish.

Posted by Red :: 12:02 AM :: | ---------------------------------------