Thursday, April 14, 2005

Bitter

I am restoring my DSL home connection. My work load, plus some side opportunities has made this necessary. I decided to clean up my computer system to get ready for the changes.

Did you know computers like to save screen shots, images, etc?

So, of course I found a screen shot from one year ago. It was the inbox page of EH's secret email account. It had 37 emails from the woman he was cheating with. It's only a screen shot. There's no way to open the emails. But there was at least one email every single day for the entire month of April. Subjects like "That was AWESOME!" and "As you asked" and so on and so on... There was also a screen shot of an email from her "That photo shows a beautiful body! Tell the wife thanks for me?"

Thanks????

And there I was. Right back to the anger. I wondered if the 37 emails counted as 37 betrayals...?

I will acknowledge that more and more time seems to pass between my bouts of confusion and anger. But it's amazing how you stumble upon things that throw you right back to those feelings of hurt, anger, confusion.

And once again I wonder...what kind of future do you build on broken promises and destroyed trust?

"I can never forgive you for this," I told EH that night, "I've tried, I'm trying...but it's just still there."

"I know."

"I might never forgive you."

"I know and I understand."

"I might never trust you again."

"I know. That's killing me, but I know. It kills me when I see you leaf through my spiral notebook or glance in my backpack. I know why you're doing it and it kills me."

How romantic, isn't it, this lovely marriage we have? Sure, we're soul mates. Sure, we gaze into each others eyes and whisper sweet promises. Sure, we hold hands, kiss, make love and laugh much of the time.

Are we stronger? That's an interesting question. I used to think 'yes', but now I wonder...we were strong enough to survive this (so far), but EH knows that if he even comes close to crossing that line again I will divorce him with no questions asked and not give him an opportunity to defend or explain his actions. Over. Finito! Period. Done. Is that stronger? Am I stronger? I think I am - but am I stronger to fix things or stronger to walk away?

Are we smarter? Will I spot the danger signs faster? The long nights he spent online. The distance between us. The lies. The nights he had to work late. Does he know better how to hide these things?

Are we better?

Are we ever going to get past it for good? The answer to that is no. This is now an etched part of our history that will not go away or change. It is forever. It will never be entirely forgotten. It may never be forgiven.

How far have we really come?

One year ago today, he was talking to her. One year ago today I was sure he'd never do such a thing. One year ago today, we were unhappy - only he never spoke up and when I did, he insisted we 'couldn't fix it until we knew what the problem was'.

What a crock of shit. The problem was that he was a liar and a cheat.

And I love him. Still.

I won't promise forever. I've learned that lesson. There is no forever. He's here now and I'm not looking ahead to see if he'll be there tomorrow.

Posted by Red :: 7:48 AM :: | ---------------------------------------