Tuesday, November 30, 2004

The Tucker Max Cell Phone Feature...

I'm thinking Australian inventors are reading Tucker Max.

...And you should too. Very few people can make me laugh until I cry on a routine basis - but Tucker manages. You remember the appeal of Cabbage Patch Dolls? So ugly that they were cute? Well, Tucker's an asshole. But he's such an asshole that you can't help adoring him.

I just don't recommend dating him. Ever. Fuck him, sure. But no dating. Words to live by.

Posted by Red :: 2:21 PM :: | --------------------------------------- It just goes to show...

You can't live with 7 men and not turn into a slut...

Posted by Red :: 2:09 PM :: | --------------------------------------- Sometimes I wonder...

Can money buy happiness?

If I'm already happy with my loved ones - and all of my stress seems to stem from financial issues - then can money buy happiness for me?

It could buy me freedom from work, time to spend on my family.
It could buy me a lovely home to make cozy and safe.
It could buy us luxury to travel and enjoy adventures.
It could buy the very best in healthcare to get my blood pressure lowered!

So, yes...I wonder. When someone says "Money can't buy you happiness" I think they're shopping at the wrong places...

Posted by Red :: 1:51 PM :: | --------------------------------------- All Better!

...except the blog monster ate my post. Damn, damn, damn.

I feel much better thanks to lots of loving nurturing from TEH. But, I do have a hectic day ahead of me!

Posted by Red :: 8:33 AM :: | ---------------------------------------

Monday, November 29, 2004

Pink Floyd Tells Kids to Hit the Bricks

Remember Pink Floyd's single "The Wall" where a chorus of children help deliver the condemnation of the education system? Well it appears the band that is known for tilting at the powerful windmills of the world had stiffed the warbling urchins from any royalty payments.

A lawyer has come forward to represent of such youthful troubadour and is looking to gather in his classmates for a class-action lawsuit. I listened again to the chorus of the song and my eyes were opened:

We don't need no legal action

We don't need no tort control.

Ah, now it all makes sense.

Posted by Anonymous :: 6:04 PM :: | --------------------------------------- Bring on the Nyquil...

Well, I am dealing with the runny nose, stuffy headed, coughing, watery eyes feeling today. Stardom really wears on you...

Damn. I fucking hate colds.

And of course, I am clobbered at work today.

But that's it. That's the complete bulk of my complaints in life on a Monday. Life with TEH continues to be a dream come true. I can't even complain about the sex - it's fabulous. Remember how I used to keep count? I've already lost track. My best guess is that we're averaging every other night.

Beyond sex (there's a beyond? What, sex isn't everything?) -I still have no complaints. TEH is just wonderful these days.

Posted by Red :: 1:10 PM :: | ---------------------------------------

Friday, November 26, 2004

TOW's Feature Film Debut

Well. I won’t be expecting an Academy Award, but I did make my acting debut today.

And, I have officially retired. Being an actress sucks!

Don’t get me wrong, it was interesting. But my love for film has always rested in the production end. I want to work with props and set design, casting, directing, costume – something … something else!

The movie is currently titled “Boynton Beach Bereavement Club”. It’s a romantic comedy. The leading actress is Dyan Cannon and her leading man is Michael Nouri. Today was shot a brief scene where they meet.

It’s hard to miss me. When they first meet and begin speaking, I am the waitress that walks directly between them on my way to take an order.

Look like a working waitress! Flip your order pad! Wear this apron! Makeup! Put her hair up! Make sure you cross between them just after he replies to her!

This was my direction. Easy, right? Bullshit. After 40 something takes in two different angles, the stars never said the lines at the same tempo or same way. So, inevitably, I had to learn fast to read their pace and cross at the exact moment I was supposed to (starting from about 10 paces away). Occasionally my movement distracted them and they’d flub their lines and I would have to run back. While they spoke, I’d be pantomiming taking an order behind them – which was really silly. You’re talking, but silently, with 3 people and pretending to take an order for about 2 minutes. In the real world, if it takes a waitress 2 full minutes to take an order – someone’s going to be annoyed. It was ridiculously long and I felt stupid. I began improvising. No, we’re out of eggs. Yes, all eggs. or No, the coffee is not fresh. We only serve 2 day old shit.

TEH did not get in the shot. There was some speculation on why and there were two reasons suggested. One, he’s so tall that he would stand out and Two, he’s way hotter than the leading man and would upstage him. I like the second reason best!

Dyan Cannon is a tiny, pixie of a woman. She must weigh 80 lbs. She seemed nice enough, but was a bit grouchy over the heat. They turn the air off in the restaurant to eliminate the hum of the air conditioner in sound.

Michael Nouri…well, he seemed nice too. He is not a tiny, pixie of a man. He removed his shirt a few times (sweat stains) and all I can say is there will be no shots in the film of him without a shirt on. Egads…

The other 3 women sitting with Dyan – her co-stars? They were very nice. The crew was very nice.

And me? I am very tired. (Which I am sure has nothing to do with the 4 hours sleep I got after ending up in an impromptu, but incredibly hot romp with TEH and the couch and living room floor. Hooo-yah, baby. We nearly left scorch marks in the carpeting – but I digress!)

For the record, I did get yelled at once on set. When they began shooting from another angle, I was left out of the shot. I tried to tell two people that I was supposed to cross the actors and they waved me off. After 5 takes, the director of photography spots me and snaps “You were in the shot all morning and now you’re standing over here?” A sound guy told him not to yell at me and he brought me into the shot. A minute later the director apologized to me. He was great, but obviously frazzled.

My final thoughts? It was interesting, but also dull. After 8 hours to shoot a 3 minute scene, I was worn out. But it’s also hard work. I no longer envy movie stars. They work in the heat, doing awkward things in front of strangers and doing the same stupid thing over and over. It’s lame. Maybe not 12 million dollars per picture lame – but certainly in the 6 figure lame range.

And there you have it. A star is born and retired in the same day. TEH and I had a bunch of laughs and I will probably have the most interesting Monday morning story to tell at the office.

But then, I always do…

Posted by Red :: 11:41 PM :: | ---------------------------------------

Thursday, November 25, 2004

It Gets Odder

Well, it was another typically odd Thankgiving for The Odd Wife and The Even Husband.

About an hour before dinner comes the knock on the door. Our neighbor, an overweight, burly and brusque New Yorker that we adore wants to know if TEH and I would be willing to be extras in a movie shooting tomorrow. We both agree. I’ve done it before and know it’s boring but TEH is interested. Somehow in the next few minutes, the next phone call comes in and they now want to know if I would be willing to play the part of the waitress who serves the lead actors/actresses in the scene. Dyan Cannon, some guy who played the boyfriend in Flashdance and Sally Kellerman (Hotlips Hoolighan). I agree.

So now, TEH and I are wrapping up Thankgiving by ransacking our wardrobes. I have to look waitress-y and he has to look casual Floridian. As it turns out, I have very few waitress-y wardrobe items. I’m tempted to settle on a pair of khaki pants and a black t-shirt. They suggested I bring a dozen options and they will choose one of them. I was told no white, no red and nothing with a logo on it of any kind.

We have to be up before dawn to get our asses to Lake Worth, about an hour drive, and be on set by 8 am. Of course I will tell you all about it later. But just imagine…TEH and TOW coming soon to a theater near you. I believe the film is called Boca Boulevard or something.

I’ve been ruthless all night. Insisting my guests hurry up because I “have an early call” tomorrow, offering my autograph to family members, driving TEH nuts by insisting I have to “flesh out” my character. I keep telling him she’s not just a waitress….her name is Trixie and she’s in the Witness Protection program because she was the girlfriend of a major mob boss and she testified against him. TEH has decided his character will be a bounty hunter for the mob hunting down the ratfink girlfriend that testified against his mob boss who finds himself strangely attracted to the voluptuous redheaded waitress named Trixie.

Yeah. We’re going to be on the cutting room floor or thrown offset for sure. But we’ll have a few laughs in the meantime.

I’m typing this in a green clay mask to ensure my skin is glowing tomorrow. I look ridiculous. TEH is sitting on the couch near me pretending not to notice that I look like a Martian hooker. Good times…

It would have been nice to not film the day after I gorged myself on a ton of fatty foods. My damned pants are tight.

Showbiz is so trying, isn’t it?

Posted by Red :: 10:45 PM :: | --------------------------------------- An Odd Thanksgiving Morning...

Well…I’m writing this on Thanksgiving morning. The turkey – a 24 pounder – is roasting in the oven, the house is clean and filled with scents like cinnamon, pine and well, food. The Macy’s parade is on tv (my favorite tradition) and I’ve already shed the tears.

I cry at parades. I have no idea why. I just get so into them and I get all teary eyed. When Santa arrives at the end of the parade, I’m usually bawling to the amusement of my loved ones.

And, so far, it’s a typical Odd Wife holiday.

In previous years, there has always been some funny turkey story. Like 2 years ago, my first year cooking, when I was irritated to receive a turkey with no giblet bag inside only to discover it baked into the bird when we carved it. We called that one “turkey surprise”. Or last year, when we roasted our 26 pound bird and it barely fit in the oven and I forgot to defrost it and had to spend the night before Thanksgiving running it under cool water and praying. Then I topped it when I proudly covered my turkey in those little turkey pop-up thermometers and set it to bake. Yeah. Never occurred to me to read the directions. I had this vision that you set them in the turkey and cooked it until they…well, popped. Well, when you cook the bird that way, they do not pop. They melt. An hour later, I was frantically yanking little melted plastic sticks out of the bird while my sister laughed her ass off and took pictures.

This year…no different. I remembered to defrost. I skipped the pop-up thermometers all together. I found the giblet bag. I was so pleased about getting it all right. I had made the stuffing last night to stuff my bird (that sounds dirty, doesn’t it?) and was cheerfully shoving handfuls up the dead birds ass when I realized I was missing one of my fake fingernails.

Yes. I kid you not. Remember my earlier post about my nail flying off in the grocery store? I now had a fully stuffed 24 pound bird and somewhere inside was a plastic fingernail. I swear I saw this on Friends once. I wish to hell I was making it up.

I ripped off all my remaining nails, and began un-stuffing my turkey. Visions of one of my guests taking a bite and blinking in confusion at the little pink melted nail in their mouth were running through my head. I couldn’t find the damned thing. I scraped at the insides and then sifted through my stuffing frantically. Nothing. Giving up and resigning myself to a typical Odd Wife holiday, I re-stuffed the damned thing and put it in the oven.

It wasn’t until I began putting stuff back in the refrigerator that I found my fingernail on the floor. Now that was a moment I felt truly thankful!!!

TEH is making funnel cakes for breakfast and Silly Girl (daughter) is nestled in front of the tv critiquing the parade (I’m fairly sure she gets that from her film critic dad). My guests (my sister “Brat” and her longtime, live-in boyfriend “Hick” and his son “Dysfunctional”) decided not to show up at 9 am like they planned and are instead just relaxing at home until later…which is fine with me. More time for me to relax too!

Posted by Red :: 10:18 AM :: | ---------------------------------------

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Enjoy Your Turkey, Turkies!

TOW and TEH will be on hiatus for the holiday, returning to you Monday, November 29th. If anything fascinating develops, we will save it up and fill you in then.

I'm ecstatic about having 4 days to spend with my loved ones. Sleeping late, lots of cuddling, lots of naked fun...lots of leftovers! (Although I will have to insist on keeping the naked fun and the leftovers separate because...well, ew.)

I've got a damned good feeling about the next few days. And after reading TEH's post...well, I can't wait to get home to that man today!

Did I mention last night? I worked so late because of my heavy workload. He showed up with daughter in tow and hung out to wait for me. They played on the computer and were perfectly patient while I worked for another 2 hours.

When we got home, I was drained. TEH cooked dinner, demanding I lay down and relax and served me a meal. I felt guilty relaxing while he cooked, but - I know that's silly because I cook every night and serve him! It doesn't matter, the gesture warmed my heart.

I'm a lucky, lucky girl.

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Posted by Red :: 4:01 PM :: | --------------------------------------- Thanksgiving with TEH and TOW - Part Deux

TEH's post, written by him last night and given to me on floppy disk to upload at work, brought tears to my eyes and a flutter to my heart.

It's true, this year has been the hardest I have ever experienced. Things I believed in were destroyed, people I trusted betrayed me, a brand-new life was lost...every belief I had was shaken up and tested and tried.

I've had no choice but to emerge from this different. In some ways, for the better. In some ways, I still have a bit more to learn. But the point is that 2004 has been a bit of a quest.

There were several times I thought about Thanksgiving in the past few weeks. I realize that this year, I will be among the few in the world that really get it this year. I'm very much in the "It's a Wonderful Life" state of mind where I realize how easily I took things forgranted in the past and how very much they do mean to me. I will be thankful for things in a way that can only truly come from someone who has faced losing every one of them.

So, this year the holiday has a bit more meaning for me. And while I will be among the most thankful - I will also be partying my ASS off on New Year's Eve to see 2004 bite the dust and become history!

Posted by Red :: 9:24 AM :: | --------------------------------------- Thanksgiving with TEH and TOW

This day means it is compulsory to list those things for which we pour forth with gratitude, but the simple—and possibly boring—truth is that I have a relatively short list. It is not brevity or simple treacle. I will be seated at the table and my sole thanks will be for those who are seated with me. Anything else beyond that (forgive the easy metaphor) is gravy.

This has been a trying year for all of us, but my wife, The Odd Wife, has had to bear more than her share of emotional strain. She would have been more than entitled at one point to pack it in and tell me to hit the bricks. It is a testament to her strength of character that I am able to even address this fact today. This very blog was borne out of her need to find one way of grappling with those confrontations, confrontations brought up by my self and my selfishness. It is illustrative of her qualities that she has since consented to share this space with me.

The amazing thing in all of this is where it is we now stand with each other. We are both at a point I think where we look at each in awe that not only are we still together but have become galvanized and stronger. 10 years we have been together and we are experiencing emotions that are stronger than those opening years. We wonder at quality of our relationship and the proof rests in the quiet analysis we make of the other couples we know in our lives. Friends and family exhibit numerous problems that we have yet to contend with—quiet complacency, intimacy stasis, barely restrained tension, emotional atrophy, and other traits or combinations. We have more than one couple who look at us and either yearn for similar feelings or marvel at our natural affection. And that may be one thing I lack, marveling at the qualities we share.

After a decade together we also harbor a true passion for which I am quite aware and grateful. TOW has written about her insatiable side and, believe me, it is true and wonderful. A decade together and we do not seem to have any of the usual complaints you expect from a couple together so long. There are few times when making love that we don’t employ numerous positions during a lengthy romp—and those are times where we are so inflamed that we can’t contain ourselves. I understand how rare and special this is, and again I am thankful.

So as I sit down to an immense meal I will be looking over at my wonderful bride, my extremely impressive eight year old daughter, my large and excitable Labrador retriever, and the rest of our family, and I will want for no more. A sane man couldn’t ask for anything else, but then again I haven’t been accused of sanity too often. Happy, however, I will gladly accept.

Posted by Anonymous :: 9:21 AM :: | ---------------------------------------

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

Complaint Withdrawn

I officially withdraw my complaint regarding TEH's lack of initiation in the sex area. All I can say now with regards to that issue is "Hubba hubba, hoo-yah!"

Since Friday, there has been 3 nights of passion. And not anywhere near "old, comfortable married sex" but rather intense, passionate and super sexy encounters.

I concede. My husband, who I whined about being ambivalent has more than shown me he's a dynamo.

Last night, for the first real, unprovoked time ever in our marriage, he asked. He showered (alone) and came to bed sans clothing. He was playful at first. Teasing and amusing. I wasn't sure if he was suggesting something or just being cute - and then he made it perfectly clear. I asked if he was trying to ask me to do something and he responded, "No. I am telling you...(insert laugh here)...blow me!"

Say no more. Say no more.

I was thrilled to oblige. I licked, I sucked, I rubbed, I gave it 100% of my effort. Looking up at him, his eyes were dark and full of an intensity that still makes me shiver. Watching him watch me, seeing his eyes, watching his body writhe and move, his clenched hands, his breathing changing paces - is it any wonder I love doing this so much?

When it seemed he was growing close, I paused to ask how he wanted to finish. He could have anything he wanted. I would be more than happy to suck him to a fantastic finish. He wanted to finish with me, so I ripped off my camisole and boxers like they were on fire and was on him.

I was dazzled. To lie there after and just be close to a man I love so deeply, a man I am lucky enough to be married to - a man who still evokes the darkest passions in me...

There just are not words. I am completely captivated by a man I've been married to for nearly 10 years. And every indication is that he feels the same.

With regards to TEH's earlier post about the commercial - that woman can keep her trip to Italy and her diamond jewelry and he devotion shouting partner...I am completely sated with what I have.

For me, the romance is in the billions of laughs we share over something our daughter says or does. In the private jokes we share that no one else gets but us. In the moments he has held me in his arms while I cried rivers over some tragedy or another. The romance is in the way he sneaks up behind me when I do dishes to cop a feel. In the morning cuddling. In the pride we both feel. In his eyes when we make love. I have no need of flowers, jewelry or grand gestures - I am a woman who has it all...

...and is never going to let it go!

Posted by Red :: 1:55 PM :: | --------------------------------------- Pssst!

Later...when I have a minute to catch my breath, I have a story for you.

Guess who asked, no demanded oral gratification last night?

Mmmm-mmm-mmm!

Posted by Red :: 9:09 AM :: | --------------------------------------- Romance

As the holiday cycle begins to ramp up to OCD levels on television it is time to gird yourself for the fusillade of festive imagery that is about to pour into our homes. One recent night The Odd One and I were subjected to just such an ad, and the stark interpretations by each of us are a testament to the differences of the male and female minds.

If you have not seen the following spot don’t fret—you will before the calendar wraps up. It is shot in black-and-white, showing a couple in one of those fundamentally romantic European locales, like Trevi Fountain, or such. The man peels away from his date to shout out to the masses how much he loves his companion, and then he turns to her to offer a gift. She sees a new diamond ring and she swoons, and sweeping into his arms. Sitting beside me TOW says, “Awww—that was romantic.” I look at her in disbelief. Romantic? Hardly.

Men, how many share my interpretation? After kiting over to the continent for a vacation this guy gets a dose of passion in his veins and spreads his arms as he shouts out to the gentry:

“I-LOVE-this –woman!”

At his bleating a flock of pigeons takes flight and a number of locals turn to see what this American is yelping about. The woman is actually mortified by this romantic display (watch her closely next time it runs.) She gets embarrassed and then pulls at the guy, trying to get him in line in a gesture that says, “Hank! People are looking at us!” Seeing his ploy fail he has to resort to plan-B, and reaches into his coat. He cracks open a now familiar black velvet box and only upon seeing the ring with a stone big enough to serve as a tree ornament does she now properly swoon--except she isn’t willing to make as grand a gesture as her beau. After shelling out for a trip, and a ring that has the value of a third-world economy, she is so moved she has to lean in close to whisper her love into his ear, in case someone is watching.

I say if this was a romantic scene she would have been thrilled at his grand display of public affection. Instead she was consumed with how everyone was looking at them and he had to buy her off in order to garner a similar, albeit muted, reaction from her.

I have the sense that this woman is not content to lay down with her man late at night as they laugh together while making fun of a bad movie recently picked up from Blockbuster. In this way I am a most lucky man.

Posted by Anonymous :: 8:26 AM :: | ---------------------------------------

Monday, November 22, 2004

Asshole...

Posted by Red :: 3:04 PM :: | --------------------------------------- The Boots???

They were jealous over the boots???

Posted by Red :: 9:47 AM :: | --------------------------------------- I'm sure they are very sorry...

I think this is just a little harsh...

Posted by Red :: 9:44 AM :: | --------------------------------------- Abducted Naughty Gnomes...

You just never quite know what to make of a story like this...but I would have loved to be the reporter assigned to the case.

Posted by Red :: 9:27 AM :: | --------------------------------------- Moon-Eyed

TEH and I had both written long posts last night, but the CD I saved them to to upload to you failed me miserably. So, those posts will be delayed.

It was a lovely weekend. Chock full of major pre-holiday cleaning...yippee. But somehow we still managed to enjoy the weekend.

And yes, I got lucky. Twice. Friday and last night.

Friday night, we took a shower together - his idea - and I knew what he wanted. There was such a fierce intensity in the way he took me that I was in pure wonderland. We left the shower and moved, soaking wet, to the bedroom and the fun continued. There was no cute positioning or foreplay, it was just desperation to be locked together. Somehow, he was positioned in a way that was sending the wildest sensations through me. I can only guess he was hitting the elusive g-spot.

Last night, another shower. We were already playing and "gearing up" so I knew sex was emminent. When he began to wash his hair, I sank to my knees and took him in my mouth. I love that...water pouring over me, over him - the taste of him, the feel...I love holding the tip of him in place with pressure from my tongue, holding him against the ridge on the roof of my mouth, just behind my front teeth.

I love him...

It was another wonderful coupling that leaves me moon-eyed even now.

Posted by Red :: 8:55 AM :: | ---------------------------------------

Friday, November 19, 2004

Ghosts

Lisa asked for the details on the ghost hunting...so, I'll oblige. After all, it is Friday and I'm feeling distracted.

I don't usually like talking too much about ghosts because it makes me feel like on of those flaky people in the Weekly World News who swear they were impregnated by aliens in sn intergalactic gang-bang. But I do believe in ghosts (and I am all for intergalactic gang-bangs, for the record.)

I've always been fascinated by the supernatural. As a child, I would be the only one brave enough to sit alone in a dark bathroom chanting "Bloody Mary" or some such silliness. I've read every book, seen every movie...you name it.

There's a heightened perception in my family. I can't say ESP, because I can't pick lotto numbers worth a shit and I'm always getting the karmic crap kicked out of me. (I never do tarot on myself because it's too accurate and nothing good comes of it for me). But when my grandfather was young, he awoke gasping "Pop's dying!" in the middle of the night only to learn a few minutes later that his Dad had just died.

Also, as a child, my mother was always yelling my name from the bottom of the stairs and more often than not I would yell "What?" before she called me. We would play games of "Guess what number I am thinking of?" and we were never wrong. Until we grew apart this past year, we used to call one another and say "What's wrong?" because we had a "feeling". (By the way, my mother is now among the people who see 1111 everywhere - the gatekeepers? Look it up)

Anyway...all that out of the way, you get the picture. Unusual things are common for me.

My own direct experiences have been slight. I knew the exact moment my grandmother passed away. It was 12:07 am and I wa driving home from her house and I glanced at the clock and thought "She's gone". And she was. A few days later I lay alone in bed sobbing because I missed her (she died young of cancer - 67 years old) and I felt this warmth and pressure like a light "hug" and then a sense of total peace. I swear it was her saying goodbye.

When I was pregnant with my daughter, I was convinced I saw a large, burly man's shadow in my bedroom at all times, just silently watching me. It was such a strong feeling that I would talk to "him". I would say "You can stay, but just do not scare me!" I always thought of him as a gruff sea captain type. We believe it was my husband's grandfather "Joe" who died before I met my husband watching over his first grandchild and me. He disappeared when I gave birth.

This summer, I was pregnant. I was very sick with morning sickness and lying in bed and wide awake, trying to keep dinner down. I felt the covers stir and "saw" a woman dressed in very old fashioned clothing (like 1900's) tucking me in. She rubbed an ice cold hand up my arm sympathetically and was gone. I FREAKED. I have felt and seen things, but never have I been "touched" like that. I screamed bloody murder and said "Don't touch me!" TEH thought I had lost my mind. I felt bad later. I knew she was trying to comfort me and care for me. But the scare got the better of me and I chased her away. There were many times I wished her back. I lost that baby a few months later in a pretty traumatic experience. Story for another time.

Ghost Hunting is weird. You are with people who are ferverent believers. That annoys me. (Ironic, huh?) I want objectivity. Don't assume every shadow and noise is a ghost. I want to work with people who rule out every possible thing before concluding it's supernatural. These people wanted to see ghosts.

They came into my life because we had an experience in our home. I kept getting creepy feelings from our bedroom and one night TEH and I heard something (and felt)that was much like someone lifting a 300 lb dresser and SLAMMING it down again on our 2nd floor (while we were in bed ON the 2nd floor). There was no explanation. We met the Ghost Hunters and invited them to check out our place.

There was a ton of digital photo taking in the dark and lots of "orbs" captured. I don't know for sure that orbs are ghosts. The leader, who was a bizarre person, said we had many ghosts. The only weird thing that happened was that my daughter's bed suddenly collapsed when we were in her room. They did get ONE amazing photo...a green, glowing mist just outside my door.

I joined their team and went on 3 "hunts". The first to a cemetary in the middle of the night - a ton of fun, really, but no real "evidence". The second was to a famous haunted hotel in my area that has always been a source of fascination for me - again, super-fun and lot's of "maybes" but no real evidence...

The 3rd hunt made me quit the team and refuse to go back.

An old man, in his late 70's with a very sick wife called us and asked us to check out his home. His claims were beyond fantastic - he had a mirror that was an antique from his wife's mother and every night after 9 pm, the mirror became a portal of sorts and every imaginable thing came through. Naked women, monkeys on tricycles, hooded men, black men, children...you name it. He told me all of this was a deadpan face. He believed it. His wife was horrified, she insisted he was a liar and refused to allow us to investigate. In the end, she relented and I was given the task of keeping her calm and away from the team. She was something else, but she took a real liking to me. She swore that her husband was a big liar, but there was something there...once or twice, she "slipped" up and gave me reason to suspect she was seeing these things too. She realized her mistake and began screaming, so I made the team leave. I never saw anything and the team was in and out before dark (and nothing supposedly happened until after 9 pm). But there was this feeling of something very wrong there...

After I had quit the team, months later that old man called me. He was very upset and trying to reach the team. Things were getting worse, almost violent. I gave him the team leaders number and we never spoke again. I remember his name to this day. I worry about him still.

Did I find evidence? Not really. But I had enough reason to still believe.

There will always be unexplained cold spots, shadows, stories and mysteries. There will always be orbs and "feelings" and voices. I believe in ghosts, but I'd like to see hard proof of it too...

I would do it again...with a different team. These people were way too eager to prove ghosts and didn't take the time to rule out other possiblities.

Posted by Red :: 4:22 PM :: | --------------------------------------- 100 Odd Things About The Odd Wife

I've seen several people doing this on blogs and thought I would do one of my own.

A work in progress...

1. I'm addicted to things that smell pretty. Rug fresheners, sprays, foams, candles, plug-ins, potpourri, oils, bath gels, lotions, perfumes - you name it. If it smells pretty, I want to smell it strong.

2. I have a genius level IQ (as does TEH and our daughter)

3. My favorite drink is Malibu Rum & OJ. Yum....

4. I have a really high tolerance for alcohol.

5. Pink is my favorite color. I once dyed my hair neon pink...not in my wild teen years, but rather 2 years ago. It was something I always wanted to do and I worked from home, so I said "screw it!" and did it. It lasted a month and I loved it.

6. I have a pair of socks that make me giggle. They're knee socks with each toe separated (like glove fingers) and they are striped in purple, white, green and lavender and have little fuzzy sheep on the big toe of each foot. I sit and wear them and wiggle my toes and giggle.

7. I have two tattoos in places no one can see. A butterfly (as you might remember from my post on The Good Wife's ass) and a heart with TEH's name below it on my hip.

8. The heart and TEH's name tattoo was a kind of dare.

9. The butterfly tattoo represents the Elton John song "Someone Saved My Life Tonight" and the line "You're a butterfly...and butterflies are free to fly". For some reason, this is my "angry drunk" song. If I'm drinking and singing this...watch out!

10. My favorite shows are Nip/Tuck, Veronica Mars, ER, Will & Grace, Dead Like Me and Everybody Loves Raymond. I used to be addicted to Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

11. I am crazy about pear flavored Jelly Belly jelly beans.

12. I love vegetables. All vegetables except lima beans.

13. I love food. My favorite foods are subs (every major food group is covered!) and mexican food.

14. My "usual" sub is either roast beef or a Subway "Club" with mayo, lettuce, tomato, onion, pickles, jalapenos, banana peppers, salt & pepper and oil & vinegar.

15. I'm not a big desert lover.

16. There are popular foods that I don't really like...I do not like ice-cream, popcorn or potato chips. I'll eat them from time to time, but I wouldn't go out of my way to get them (except fried ice-cream)

17. I think I have ugly feet. My toes are short and stubby. TEH thinks my feet are "adorable".

18. I was raised as a pagan.

19. I am intrigued by all things supernatural...I once worked with a professional Ghost hunting team just to see what it was like.

20. I've had mysterious encounters, but nothing I could prove or swear by.

21. I can read the tarot cards with amazing accuracy. I don't do it often because it tires me out and I have no idea how I can do it...but I've been tested and proven time and time again to be right.

22. My favorite gemstone is a "Mystic Topaz"

23. I am a huge reader. My favorite authors are Stephen King, Andrew Vachss, Nora Roberts, Janet Evanovich, Dave Barry (Hi, Dave! Yes, I love you! But I will kick your ass at the next Hunt), Carl Hiaasen, Tim Dorsey and my unpublished husband.

24. I can quote movies like nobody's business.

25. It is impossible for me to have a favorite book, song or movie. I love hundreds of them!

26. I have a secret love for the HORRIBLE, CHEESY move called "The Pirate Movie" from the 70's - a musical comedy adaptation of Pirates of Penzance starring Christopher Atkins and Kristy McNichols. From time to time, I lock myself in the bedroom and watch it while singing along at the top of my lungs. TEH wants to kill me at those times.

27. I cry at parades. They make me so happy!

28. I wish I could be wealthy :)

29. I want to have another child soon. Maybe even 2 more. TEH would like 1 more, but he would shit if I suggested 2 more.

30. My 8 year old daughter scares the hell out of me. She's way too wise and adult-like for her age. She often withholds information from us that she thinks would make us sad. If something bothers her, she will try to keep it from showing. She also "fakes" healthy instead of faking sick.

31. We baby her too much...

32. I have a hugely fat cat named Sasha. She's a total bitch and I love her for it.

33. We also have a yellow labrador named Dutch. Dutch is the doggie love of our lives. He likes TEH the best.

34. I have never been in serious legal trouble. I did get busted for shoplifting as a kid but I didn't do it - I was just the idiot holding the bag who got caught.

35. If I found a million dollars hidden in the woods you would never hear from me or my family again. We'd be outta here.

36. I love to be artistic...

37. TEH is exactly 1 foot taller than me...and I'm 5'6! I love him taller, but it makes sex in the shower a major challenge.

38. I'm scared of snakes. And yet, I have a picture of myself holding a 16 foot reticulated python. Yes, I said 16 foot.

39. I don't always get British humor.

40. I think I'm funny. I'm not bragging, I just mean that I make myself laugh quite a bit. Often at my own expense.

41. I drink too much Pepsi.

42. You know those people who always look perfectly polished, styled and dressed? Yeah. That's not me. No matter how hard I try, the very best I can get is rumpled and frantic looking.

43. Chanel Egoiste Platinum men's cologne makes me instantly aroused. I'll actually attempt to eat it off a man. When EH wears it, I go insane, burying my nose against his chest (I can only reach his chest, so he sprays it there) and inhaling over and over.

44. I've been divorced.

45. I've been "the other woman". I was about 19 and ridiculously naive and I confessed to everything when it was truly necessary to protect the wife from her insane husband.

46. I've hated someone enough to do them serious harm.

47. I was a wild teenager.

48. I'm a control freak.

49. The sound of metal scraping drives me insane

50. I'm an Aquarius. EH is a Scorpio. SG is a Pisces.

51. I don't really like cake very much. I hate buttercreme frosting. My favorite cake is carrot cake with cream cheese frosting...yum.

52. I type about 75 wpm.

52. I am naturally brilliant when it comes to computers...I have no idea why. I can make them do things. I can figure them out. And I can find damned near anything - or anyone - on the internet. Scary, huh?

53. I hate beer.

54. I'm terrified of doctors.

55. I can not sleep if I am warm. I torture my poor EH and SG by keeping the a/c at about 74 degrees at night.

56. I often wish I could yell "Do over!" and start my life again...but I wouldn't really do it because I'd be afraid of missing out on EH or SG.

57. I have a decent tolerance for pain, but a headache or nausea will floor me.






(more to come)

Posted by Red :: 1:32 PM :: | --------------------------------------- By the way...

Today is day 7 of no sex or sexual activity (with me making no sexually aggressive moves) and I am over the monthly nasties.

Ahem...I think my point is being made.

Whatever.

Posted by Red :: 1:27 PM :: | --------------------------------------- A Much Lighter Shade of Blue

It's better today. Not super-terrific as a Friday should be, but better.

But, of course, before it gets better - it has to get worse, right? So, in proper order we had ourselves a good old fashioned marital spat last night. It began as a conversation, digressed into a battle and ended in exhausted tears (me) and surrender (him).

In the long run, I don't know if we solved anything or if we both just gave up from exhaustion, but somehow we feel better. Maybe it was just all things that needed to be said and had been bottled up too long.

Big Odd hugs go out to my emailers and commenters. I didn't respond much, because, well - I was in a truly bitchy mood - but I did read them all and every one of them helped.

I love my blog community. I love reading your blogs and I love seeing you pass through mine.

Since I bitched about TEH yesterday, it's only fair to tell you that while he does have things that make me insanely crazy - he's also one hell of a husband.

There have been mistakes made, but let me take a moment to share the good sides with you.

Waking up beside him on a weekend when we don't have to jump up and run...he draws me into his arms and snuggles into me for those last semi-waking moments of dozing.

He buys, tends and cares for rose bushes for me because he knows I love them. Nearly every morning, I am handed a single rose he has snipped for me (and one for our daughter too).

He gives me the benefit of the doubt...here I have to share an anecdote that perfectly illustrates why I love this man...

Many years ago, when our daughter was a toddler and I worked from home, we lived in a pig stye. Neither of us are the most ambitious at housework and we're always so busy that we are always living in a mess. The kind of mess where you panic at the idea of an unexpected visitor. I hate living that way, but we haven't solved that problem yet. Anyway...I took it upon myself to "pull a fast one". I called a maid from a flyer I found on the door and hired her company to come in every other week and really clean. This was done without TEH's knowledge and the work was done while he was at work. He would come home to a DAZZLING and SPARKLING house and I would promptly swipe at my brow and collapse on the couch proclaiming how exhausted I was from cleaning so hard. He would rub my back, offer to fix dinner and shower me with praise and compliments while he insisted I rest. This went on for several months before money got tight and I had to end the service. Of course it was no time at all before the house was a mess again. One day, TEH finally asked why I wasn't keeping the house up like I had been. I winced, ashamed and admitted to the whole cleaning caper. He just smiled and said, "I know". Apparently the day I had hired this woman, I left a moment later to run to the store and the bitch called back to ask for directions and spoke to him. He knew the entire time and let me get away with it.

TEH is a prize. Like any person, there are problems - but it's worth it. The good outweighs any tiny flaws...

Posted by Red :: 8:33 AM :: | ---------------------------------------

Thursday, November 18, 2004

Well, so much for silence

Yeah. Bottling up my feelings worked real well. Somehow I ended up talking to TEH on the phone at lunchtime and went from discussing my hurt feelings to an argument.

And I still feel blue. Only now it's mixed with other colors too. Yellow for fear of making the right choices, red for anger (or red for our finances!...yeah, yeah - you get the picture.

Sometimes, I just don't know.

There is no doubt that I am deeply, passionately in love with this man. But there are still issues. For our entire marriage, the lion's share of responsibility is in my lap. He tends to move from low-paying job to job while freelance writing (the free in freelance is true...you write for free). Whenever there is something that needs to be done, it falls on me. We need a car? Nothing happens until I go out (alone) and manage to finance a car. We need to move? I get to pour through the papers - searching and calling and calculating. There are times I feel overwhelmed and frustrated that I get stuck with all the pressure.

He treats me well. Very well. He's loving and kind and patient. Am I wrong for needing more? For needing someone to support our family? Someone to set and strive for goals without me doing all the work? Someone to help pay the bills instead of leaving that responsiblity on my shoulders. I would be willing to bet that TEH could never tell you what we earn and what we owe each month.

Of course, maybe it's not all his fault...

My mother just emailed me. Literally this minute. Out of the blue. She says she was diagnosed as bipolar and that I probably am too.

Nice...real nice

Fuck.

Posted by Red :: 4:41 PM :: | --------------------------------------- Still Blue...

Damn. I just can not shake this feeling of being down. Usually in a few hours I feel improvement (unless it's major) but this time I think I actually feel worse...

*sigh*

If it doesn't let up by tomorrow, I guess I have some soul seaching to do.

Posted by Red :: 1:55 PM :: | --------------------------------------- Blue

I'm feeling blue today. I'm trying not to post about it until I have my thoughts in order because I have a tendency to be impulsive (I know, you're shocked - right?) and just spill my guts before I think it all through and figure things out.

I'll be okay. I'm actually proud that I am holding it inside and thinking instead of just reacting - as I am known for.

Whatever. It's hardly earth shaking. My feelings are just a little hurt and my ego a bit bruised. Which is unfortunate because I know the comment that did the damage was unintentional, but revealing of certain truths nonetheless.

I'm still being a perfect angel. Day 6 of being non-sexually-aggressive with TEH. And, of course, day 6 of no sex (still have to remind that I'm "out of commission" for a few more days, so it's not really indicative of much yet!) And TEH was darling last night...constantly hugging me and saying sweet things. Until, of course, he put his foot in his mouth.

Whatever. I'm blue.

Posted by Red :: 8:44 AM :: | ---------------------------------------

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

Too Odd to be Good

I just scooped my daily dose of The Good Wife and loved the post du jour.

I can completely identify with the feeling and topic, but I had to chuckle to myself over the differences...

Her writing in this post is so fluid and romantic. Ending on a note guaranteed to make a woman smile. I had to reflect back to my own blissful encounters and laugh at the contrast.

There's a great deal of laughter in our home. TEH has a wicked sense of humor and I am plain silly.

In our home, when I find Hubby's attention wavering between my conversation and the television, I often will yank my shirt and bra up and expose my breasts to him. Then, knowing I now have his undivided attention, I will continue my conversation.

On occasion, if it seems appropriate, I will cup a breast and have it "speak" to him. You can't beat a man's expression in the face of a talking bare breast.

He's right about the plopping naked in his lap. I do that. If we're alone and I'm hoping for some early fun before bed, I will strip down to a smile and walk up to where he sits watching tv and straddle his lap with a huge grin and say "Hi!". I can usually be assured that once he stops chuckling, he'll put his hands on me and we can take it from there.

Often on the couch, or in bed, I reach over absently and stroke him through his boxers, pants, whatever without even realizing I am doing it. Eventually, when I move my hand back - he'll place it back on him and I know we're in for a good time.

But, in those cases, I am clearly the "initiator".

The post by Good Wife perfectly illustrates a lovely seduction where her husband expressed great desire for her. That's what I've been asking for - I know he's agreeable to sex, I want to see him want/need it!

Now, it's true...I'm always in "go" mode and seducing him at every turn, so I pre-empt any attempt he might make. My question was, if I stopped that...would it result in the desired result or would it result in far less sex?

TEH's post sounded suspiciously like a challenge, didn't it?

I wonder...

For the record, I have not attacked him since Friday night. So, I'm on day 5 of behaving like a good girl...

Posted by Red :: 11:11 AM :: | --------------------------------------- No, NOT too much

Some things to explain. Yes, I freely admit The Odd one has a rather heady appetite, one that exceeds my own. That is not to say that I have a diminished drive, just that my wife is almost always ON, and I therefore feel like one of those rare coaches who has too many quarterbacks to choose from for a game—it is a “problem” most would like to have. However this blessing is not without some difficulty from time to time.

As you can see from her own post The Wife on occasion has reservations about this reality. Her qualm is that I do not initiate enough, and I explain it is most often due to the fact that before I get a chance I have her tongue in my mouth. As an example: She told me that Monday night she would not have minded if I had asked her for some attention, even though she was off the market for a few days. Now this follows a day of mostly misery for her, then coming home and feeling tired and worn out. From my angle I didn’t feel right nudging her awake and seeing how she felt about servicing me at that point, and I thought I was being considerate. My mistake. (Now I know better, and next month I will not accept any excuses.)

We had a protracted discussion about how women are known for needing to be seduced in their mind in order to be seduced in the body, and that this is an area in which I am lacking. I amended that chestnut to read “most women”. When she drops onto my lap wearing naught but a smile I’m sorry that at that moment I’m not complimenting her earrings and working on a clever opening line. Her solution therefore is that she will withhold affection in order for me to take more direct action. She feels it would be days, if not weeks before I take the initiative. Not only is she seriously wrong about that, but I know she cannot hold out for that long.

Posted by Anonymous :: 9:51 AM :: | ---------------------------------------

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

I have something for you...

Want one of the fabulous coveted gmail accounts? They're only available by invitation, and I have 3 invites to give out to you...

The first 3 people who email me can have them...

Posted by Red :: 5:00 PM :: | --------------------------------------- Good to know...

I bet this was an interesting inter-office memo...

Posted by Red :: 1:28 PM :: | --------------------------------------- Not Very Funny...

As a person who suffers from BTVS Traumatic Withdrawl Syndrome, I do not find this very fucking funny at all...

BTVS Traumatic Withdrawl Syndrome: Experienced by fans of the cult TV hit Buffy the Vampire Slayer after the series finale. Symptoms include an overwhelming desire to debate the relationships of Buffy, a feeling of depression on Tuesday nights, adversion to rabbits, relentlessly referring to any object with a point as "Mr. Pointy"...

Posted by Red :: 1:16 PM :: | --------------------------------------- Coitus Interuptus

Talk about "ruining the moment"...

Posted by Red :: 11:03 AM :: | --------------------------------------- Too Much of a Good Thing?

I'm a glutton by nature. If I have a good thing, I want more, more, more until I exhaust the resources. Favorite book? I will reread it until the pages turn to yellow dust in my hands. Favorite song? I will replay the damned thing a million times. Favorite movie? I am not content to just watch it...I must watch it over and over until I can recite the dialogue, then discuss it to death and research the making of the film and the bios of every actor/actress.

I am obsessive about things that I like. TEH (The Even Husband) calls it "passionate".

And then there is sex.

As you know, I enjoy sex. I enjoy every aspect of it from the first kiss to the after-glow to the pillow talk. I am not content to just have sex. I must have it all the time, in new ways and places, and then discuss it and think about it over and over. There is no such thing as "in the mood" for me. If I am breathing, I am in the mood.

TEH is much more relaxed about sex. He'll take it when it comes along, but he doesn't get antsy needing sex. If I took a sexual hiatus for a month or two, he'd very likely squeeze in some more reading and consider it a holiday. He's never been a person to focus on sex.

This bothers me. Part of the sexual experience for me is the need. And the need is best experienced by both partners. His "need" would enhance my part of the experience, get it?

We all know, thanks to my bitching yesterday, that I am in the "ladies days" end of the month. So, for me - at least right now - intercourse would be less than desirable...but that doesn't mean sex is out. Sex can incorporate anything remotely sexual. I'm more than happy to take very, very good care of my man during this time in other ways...and while it's very one-sided, I still "get off" on the mental side of the situation.

Now, I don't want to be this aggressive obsessive tramp of a wife. I'm not about to corner TEH in the bedroom and demand that he let me pleasure him. I'm never really sure if he's secretly relieved to have "a week off" or if he wants attention.

All I'm saying is, make it clear!

I have to admit...I often wonder if he would show more enthusiasm and need if I backed off a bit. Maybe it's just too readily available to appreciate? But, then again...self-control has never been my strong point...

Posted by Red :: 8:54 AM :: | ---------------------------------------

Monday, November 15, 2004

I forgot to mention...

TEH (The Even Husband) likes big words...

Posted by Red :: 7:08 PM :: | --------------------------------------- Entering Waters Carefully

So after a fair amount of preamble my grand introduction to this blog occurs on the very day my bride has all the general charm of your garden variety ursine. Over all she is not actually as unstable as a truckload of nitroglycerine on a bad road--like she suggests--but still, there are those cherished moments. While neither of us is the most approachable in the a.m., combined with the arrival of "her monthly bill" (as my puritanical mother likes to refer to it) my betrothed has some peculiar reactions to otherwise mundane stimuli.

On the ride in to work this morning we hear an advertisement from a local entrepreneur who happens to be in the same field as my sparkling wife. Typical of any radio advert there were embellishments and promises made by the businessman, but nothing that would alert the attention of the FAA, or even the BBB. TOW however was sent into a state of pique. This cad had the audacity to proclaim that you could contact his office and he would provide a particular service at no charge. Well, it turns out that in this line of work the service mentioned is always done without a surcharge. From the passenger seat comes a barrage of outrage and vitriol and personal attacks. (How she was able to gauge that the guy was a pederast and paint fume huffer from a 30 second spot was impressive.) I attempted to explain that the guy technically did nothing wrong; he merely boasted at being able to do something some novice clients would not understand was industry wide practice. I compared it to a local bar bragging that all their cocktails came with free ice, something that might impress non-drinkers.

Nope, he is a lying sack of putrified guano.
Hey look! I found the Midol!!!

And A brief Follow Up--
re: Drinks to male members.
Madison Avenue is rife with examples of targeted sataryisis. There is a nationally popular wings restaurant chain with the single-entendre name of "Hooters", don't forget. But there has always been a desire to conjure up questionably named potables for a quick dollar. Currently in our area there is a new brand of beer being sold called Boody Lager, with the oh-so unforgettable tag line, "Grab a Boody!" But for the biggest dodge of decency laws you have to try out Dickens Cider. It's all in how you say it.

Posted by Anonymous :: 6:31 PM :: | --------------------------------------- The Even Husband

Well, just remember - when this all goes to hell - you said I could bring him onboard!

Meet TEH...The Even Husband (the name was his idea, I swear)- the newest part of this blog.

Posted by Red :: 6:22 PM :: | --------------------------------------- Greener Grasses and Smaller Asses...

One of my favorite daily reads Married and Defeated posted some thoughts that got me thinking about greener grasses.

The timing is perfect since Hubby and I just touched on this last night while cuddling.

I believe in many things. I believe in magic, not the Siegfried and Roy kind, but the real deal, I believe in a higher power, I believe in love and dreams, I believe in following your heart and I believe in living a life you can be proud of.

I believe in soul mates. But I also believe you can have a million of them.

My husband is (in my opinion) my soul mate. In his arms, I feel like I am "home". When a crisis occurs, in my blind panic or sheer agony, I only want to get to him as quickly as possible to be safe again.

I've met many people that I have experience connections with. I have male friends that I love dearly. Could I imagine a romantic life with them? Yeah, I guess. But what would be the point?

My husband is everything I want. Sure, other guys possess the same qualities - but they don't have the 10 years of history that we share. Another man will never sit with me and laugh over things our daughter has done. Another man will never be privy to the 5,000+ private jokes we share. Another man will never understand my trillions of quirks and the art of "handling" me when I am difficult.

Another man could never be my husband.

There are sacrifices. This has been a difficult year that has truly tested both of our strengths and given life to our deepest, darkest fears. There have been many tears this year. But we overcame and still we are standing strong.

This is where I want to be. This is where I know I belong.

There can always be other people that are attractive, more successful, appealing, etc. Women with bigger breasts and smaller asses. Men with bigger...bank accounts and, well, you get the picture...but not one of them can replace what we spent 10 years building.

The grass may be greener, but I like the view from my side of the yard much better.

Posted by Red :: 2:16 PM :: | --------------------------------------- Bitchy, bitchy, bitchy....

Ugh.

Yep. That sums it up. "Ugh."

In other words, it's that time of the month. A special time when I become grouchy, irritable, tired, crampy and generally bitchy. This is how my morning has begun. I wake up and see the sun peeking through the grey morning clouds, feel the cool breeze of fall through my window and think to myself, "Fuck. It's morning."

When a bird began to sing, I mentally congratulated myself on not throwing my 30 lb cat at it.

Hubby drove me to work today so he could borrow my car. I had to insist at a stop at the store on the way for supplies to make myself comfortable. I knew the day was on a downslide already when I could not locate Midol in the aisles or anything comparable. I was snarling and nearly swatted a shelf full of over-the-counter medication half-way across the store like an angry gorilla before Hubby came around the corner of the aisle and rescued me. He also found the Midol which he handed to me gently before backing away slowly. No sudden movements around me.

I purchased a package of huge frosted sugar cookies. When Hubby raised an eyebrow, I just said "Breakfast" and he was wise enough not to even let the tiniest hint of a smirk slip out. That's a smart guy I married...he'll get to keep most of his appendages tonight.

Meanwhile, I'm just a grouch. I'm generally very non-confrontational and today I'm not taking any crap from my co-workers. I suspect they're all checking their calendars and making a note to add 28 days to this date and call in sick that day.

Whatever...

I just wanted to stay home, curl up in Hubby's lap and read for the day.

Posted by Red :: 1:48 PM :: | ---------------------------------------

Friday, November 12, 2004

Threesome anyone?

So...I've been mulling over a thought lately and wanted to put it to you...

My husband is an avid writer and has a wicked sense of humor. He's also an experienced blogger, although his current blog is long dormant. He's aware of this blog and we got to talking about it...

What would YOU, dear reader, think about a threesome? You, the reader, plus hubby and I? In other words, what do you think about Hubby becoming a contributer? I think it could be very entertaining. My own posts would remain the same as ever - only you would have the benefit of both sides to every story from time to time.

So...what do you think?

Posted by Red :: 3:59 PM :: | --------------------------------------- Woo-hoo Weekend!

I live for weekends. I wait all week in anticipation of that lovely feeling I get in the pit of my stomach on a Friday around 5:30 pm...especially during fall.

Tomorrow our daughter has cheerleading pre-competition practice from 3 pm - 8 pm. I plan to take a billion photos of her in the morning before we have to turn in her uniform - but then I was thinking about spreading out a blanket on the field a short distance from her practice and having a lovely romantic picnic with Hubby. A couple sandwiches, some sodas, conversation...then after, quiet reading together.

And of course, I'm hoping to get lucky this weekend...

Posted by Red :: 3:44 PM :: | --------------------------------------- Attention Whore...

I'm needing something today. I just don't know what, but I know what it would feel like...romantic attention, maybe?

Now, don't get me wrong. My husband loves me. Before I leave the house for work, he gives me a rose he cuts from my rose garden (that he grows for me) and he's nothing but kind and wonderful to me.

So, how on earth could I want more?

But I do.

I can't explain it. I just want to feel like he's over the moon for me. He would assure me seven ways til Sunday that he is - so what the fuck is wrong with me???

I'm such an attention whore. I crave the weirdest things. I would give anything for a phone call out of the blue - (which he does!) - to say "Babe...I was just thinking about you and needed to tell you that I love you." Nothing more. Now, he does call - but it's always to see how I'm doing. I know, I know - same thing, right?

I must be PMSing...

I have to interject that we have experienced and survived a handful of incredibly dramatic marriage-threatening issues this year. In fact, it's amazing that we overcame some of these...maybe I'm still in recovery and needing reassurance.

At least I can admit it's all me. Being a woman can be so confusing sometimes. But at least we can touch breasts anytime we want.

Posted by Red :: 9:21 AM :: | --------------------------------------- Just for the boys...

Guys, a new drink on the market just for you...

Posted by Red :: 9:19 AM :: | --------------------------------------- Um...

Is anyone else nervous about this???

Posted by Red :: 9:17 AM :: | --------------------------------------- Dear Santa...

I've been a very good girl. Won't you please put this in my stocking this year???

Please????

Posted by Red :: 9:15 AM :: | ---------------------------------------

Thursday, November 11, 2004

Who we Are & Who we Look like...

An interesting comment (thanks, Anonymous!) sparked up my thoughts under the post I did on The Good Wife's ass.

It's made me think...

For those too lazy to click, Anonymous questioned if the photo was real. I wondered if it mattered.

The photo is of a perfect and exceptionally sexy ass. Would any reader of The Good Wife dare to suggest she was anything short of very sexy? So, real or not - in a sense, the photo fits.

Anonymous counters that people should just be real.

Now, the only reason I have not posted photos of my own (and I love sharing pictures) is that I have temporarily shut off my home DSL and I post from work - on a network. When this changes, (when I finish buying my new home!), I'll gladly share pictures - including those of myself.

For curious minds, I am 5'6 and have bright red hair. Chemically enhanced, but still red. It's naturally curly and falls to just below my shoulders. My eyes are green with gold in them (hazel?) and my skin is fair. I have a beauty mark to the left of my lips a la Cindy Crawford. I'm known for always smiling and laughing and people say I have a beautiful smile. If and when I do post my picture there will be those who find me attractive and those who feel I am not their type.

Online, you get a sense of who a person is before judging them based on looks. This is unique for me because I have found that those who are initially attracted to me based on looks lose interest when they know me better while those who wouldn't look twice at me physically tend to develop crushes and attractions as they do get to know me.

This topic came up last night as Hubby and I watched America's Next Top Model on tv. They did a red carpet runway challenge and I found it very funny to do my own version around the living room. Hubby and I agreed I couldn't do a red carpet diva thing because I have too much fun laughing and waving wildly as opposed to the bored and snotty look the models try to adapt. Meanwhile, I make silly faces, giggle, wave, pose exaggeratedly and have fun. I assured Hubby that I could never be model-material and the topic of my looks came up. I don't know if I am pretty or not. I've been told I am, but the word "pretty" just doesn't sound like me. If I had to describe myself, I would say "Sexy". I've been told I ooze raw sex appeal (my favorite all time compliment).

So, if the majority of people I meet develop fixations, attractions and crushes as they grow to know me then my looks would not be a fair judge of me, would they? It doesn't make me ugly, but it does mean my personality has a large effect on how I am perceived.

Confusing, isn't it?

In my hey-days, I have dated male models (dumb-as-a-rock, I swear to God) and some seriously ugly men (who had the BEST personalities). My Hubby is what I consider a mega-hunk (lucky for me!) and his personality compliments me perfectly. We "fit".

But I would have been in love even if he was a hairy dwarf with a hunchback and hairlip...

Posted by Red :: 2:41 PM :: | --------------------------------------- Is it me???

I need your help, blogland.

First of all, I am going to be crazy, swamped at work today. I came in to find I received about 12 new files to manage. Woohoo! I love being busy.

But...I do need your help/input.

Last night, as I posted, was Hubby's birthday. I was his faithful servant for the day and his whims became my sole purpose for existance. In bed, I obeyed him completely. He first commanded me to rub my breasts against his back. The across his face. I don't get that, but I'm game! Then he asked if I felt like going down. I smiled (BIG SMILE) because it was the first time in 10 years he'd ever asked me.

So, down I went. I take deep pride in my techniques here and have been told I am really good at it. After about 20 minutes, he said in a ragged voice "Come here!" and pulled me on top of him. I rode him slowly, fast, soft, hard until we were both covered in sweat and flipped over to have him on top. He pushed, pounded, stroked and rocked. About an hour later, in complete exhaustion, he says it's just not working - he feels "on the verge" but never crosses the line to sweet relief.

Now, this happens frequently with us. My husband can occasionally go for hours and never achieve release. Why???

This confuses me. First of all, I feel like I failed. Last night I committed another hour to my very, very best in the arts of blow jobs and hand jobs with no results. He stays hard, but can't finish.

Is it me? Am I doing something wrong? Is this common? I've never before been with a man who had this problem. It seemed more to me like men could explode at the slightest touch...so faced with this, I am just constantly confused.

I admit, I do take it personally. I feel like I failed. I feel like I messed it up somehow. He swears up and down that it's not me and that it feels amazing, but he just gets to some point where it's like a switch is flipped and no matter how heroic my efforts are, he's just not going to come.

Guys? Girls? I would love some feedback here!

Posted by Red :: 9:06 AM :: | ---------------------------------------

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

Fun With Queens and Kilts...

The boyish grin on his face tells you this was no accident. You just have to love a cute guy in a kilt with a wicked sense of humor...

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Posted by Red :: 1:45 PM :: | --------------------------------------- Odd Wife and Old Hubby Sittin' in a Tree....

K-I-S-S-I-N-G...

It's Hubby's 38th birthday today! Yay!!! I was pretty irritated with him yesterday and went to bed in a funk. Hubby is a wonderful hubby indeed, but he sometimes lacks a little motivation and drive to do the little things, like...earn an income...help around the house...you know? I guess it's a trade-off. He is kind and supportive and loving, but I sometimes grow tired of earning the lion's share of the income, rushing home, cooking, cleaning, organizing our schedules while he sits back and enjoys a movie on tv with a cold beer that I went out and bought for him...

Anyway...thank heavens I snapped out of it this morning. I am going to rush through my work so I can leave at lunchtime and go spend the day with him.

But I leave you with this little piece of breaking news: Barry Manilow fans have likely been brainwashed. I kid you not. You can read all about it here. I knew there was a reason "Copa Cabana" was always stuck in my head. I just hope my local therapist can help heal the damage...if she can get a break in between counseling people for "Post-Election Stress Disorder".

Posted by Red :: 9:12 AM :: | ---------------------------------------

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

I am ODD WIFE, Hear me roar....

All better. I'm coming out of my quiet place. The problem that worried me so much has worked itself out, almost to perfection.

So, where was I...?

Boy, you ever want to make your hits counter spin like a hot roulette wheel in Vegas just post something about The Good Wife's ass. Sheesh.

Something in the comments at her site made me pause and think. A commenter drew a comparison that I was trying to be like her twin and I posted a balking reply saying that I am in no way like the Good Wife. She has her act together and I do not. The Good Wife, ever the darling that she is, responded not to be too hard on myself.

The truth is, I'm not being hard on myself. (I am starting to like repeating the word "hard" though...) I am entirely confident in my ability to goof up, slip, stumble, make a mess out of something simple and draw hysterical laughter at my own expense. It's not a lack of self-esteem...it's not a lack of confidence. It's who I am. Think about it - would Lucy Ricardo be Lucy Ricardo if she wasn't always doing something utterly insane? It's what makes me me. I may be red-faced when it happens, but I love looking back and laughing later in any case. I wouldn't change for anything. I like the eccentric and silly side of me.

I'm the grown woman who jumps on stage at a dance club because they play Abba's Dancing Queen. I am the wife who subjects her husband to constantly raised eyebrows by the impromptu press conferences that occur in our living room everytime I do something and get noticed (nothing criminal, I swear). I am the redhead who cries at parades, thinks 70's disco doesn't suck, and is equally comfortable fitting in at a Jimmy Buffet concert, an Elton John concert, a Metallica concert, a Morrissey concert, an Enya concert, etc. I carry a purse shaped like an ass in jeans - and when that one gets boring I switch it for the purse shaped like a coconut or a bustier.

So, don't think I am mimicking anyone.
I know who I am. I am The Odd Wife...and damned proud to be.

(Bet you wish I was still in my quiet place, huh?)

Posted by Red :: 1:10 PM :: | --------------------------------------- My quiet place

I'm going into my "quiet place" for a bit today. It's not that I have nothing to say - as you well know, I can talk forever. On and on and on...and, well, you get the point.

I have worries today. Stresses that suddenly cropped up overnight. Serious issues to be dealt with. And this isn't the place to bore you with them. Not that I don't trust you and not that I don't feel comfortable talking to you...I just don't want to be the "downer" in your day.

I'll be back when I'm cheerier. Knowing me, that's about halfway through the day. Some call it "mood swings" - I just like to think I get over things quickly.

But I'm feeling more than a bit blue now. So, off I go to retreat into quiet contemplation and worry.

XOXOXO,
The Odd Wife

Posted by Red :: 8:21 AM :: | ---------------------------------------

Monday, November 08, 2004

The Good Wife's ass

I'm a big fan of The Good Wife and something struck me as ironic.

On her blog, there is a profile picture of her ass with a butterfly tattoo. Now, I have no idea if this is really her ass or not (and if it is, Bravo Good Wife! Bravo! - but the weird thing is that she's wearing my tattoo.

In February of this year, long before I was part of the blog world, I got a "wild hair" and decided to get a butterfly tattooed on my lower back - exactly where her's is. I was really picky about the butterfly's design and spent hours with the artist to get the design exactly as I wanted it to appear. With the exception of the swallow tail, these butterflies are nearly identical.

Next, I was especially picky about color. I wanted a LOT of color in hues of pink and yellow and lavender...exactly as her tattoo appears. The coloring is incredibly close.

What I'm saying is that her ass is sporting my almost-exact tattoo...albeit, I wish my ass was that perfect...



Update: To see my tattoo, you can read this post.

Credit for the above ass goes to The Good Wife

Posted by Red :: 1:32 PM :: | --------------------------------------- It's a dandy investment opportunity!

I tell you, if I ever have to marry again (and I hope I don't have to) - I am going to be much more selective. None of this love and romance bullshit. I'm marrying me a sheik, an oil tycoon or a land baron.

In Los Angeles, CA they are reporting on a woman's $250 million divorce settlement for sale. Apparently she divorced Sheik Mohammed al-Fassi (who incidentally had a fondness for painting his home - and the genitals on the classic Italian nude statues adorning his front yard - in garish colors.) over his plans to take more wives. In 1983, a judge awarded her half his assets, including 2 Boeing 707 airliners, 36 cars (where the hell do you park them?), a yacht, 26 horses, a private zoo and homes in Spain, London and Miami Beach.

Unfortunately, the good sheik died of an infected hernia in 2002 after claiming that he had transferred all of his holdings to relatives, including Saudi King Fahd and his brother Prince Turki. A court has ruled that Turki is liable for al-Fassi's debt, but Bilinelli's attorneys said they have been unable to find his assets.

I have the perfect solution. Sell this debt to a couple of goodfellas in the New Jersey area...a couple guys with names like Vinny-the-Bug and Guido-the-Insomniac. Guys that are real eager to collect. Guys who don't give a shit about your royal lineage and are strictly "fuck you, pay me" mentality.

Posted by Red :: 11:57 AM :: | --------------------------------------- Give me $50 to win on Cardinal Claudio Hummes

You have to love Pope betting...

Posted by Red :: 11:30 AM :: | --------------------------------------- Read for a Blow Job?

I had no idea that "get brain" was slang for oral sex. I feel old suddenly...

Funny article anyway...I want to know exactly how they imagine that more reading will somehow increase their odds at blow jobs...

That's some slick advertising there...what fucking genius thought that one up?

Come to think of it...my husband reads quite a bit (as do I) and he can have a blow job anytime he wants. I guess there could be some truth. I'd still like to see the scientific study supporting this theory.

Posted by Red :: 10:02 AM :: | --------------------------------------- Sex Critique Reality Show

I would absolutely watch this show...

Posted by Red :: 9:56 AM :: | --------------------------------------- Wanna work out a little post-election agression?

Go get 'em, tiger...

Posted by Red :: 9:11 AM :: | --------------------------------------- Why Dave Barry Sucks...

So, I did the Herald Hunt yesterday and all I can say is Dave Barry SUCKS!

For the second time in about 7 years, me and my team solved the damned-near impossible hunt. Only to find that so did about 1200 other people - all of whom solved it about 40 seconds faster than we did.

I'm proud to have solved it, it was a hoot.

The weekend was busy and tiring. Even with an overnight sitter for Saturday night, we only had comfortable "married" sex - which is fine by me!

This morning while carpooling to work with Hubby, we were discussing something on the radio that was related to sex and I commented "Wait until I hit my sexual peak in about 7 years." Hubby did a double take. That can't be good...

I admit my drive is a healthy high...but I don't think unreasonably so! I think we currently average 2 times a week. Now, I think 3 would be super, but I don't need more than that (unless it's a special occasion!)

Am I out of line here? You always hear the "studies" saying 2.5 times per week is a healthy average for married couples. (I always wondered about the .5 - is that coitus interuptus?) And I currently enjoy it 2 - 2.5 times per week. Why does Hubby have to make me feel like that's over and above? Hubby said, "You won't appreciate this, but it's only because I am in top peak physical condition that I can keep up with you". Yowza. Talk about a back-handed compliment.

So...is it me? Is it unusual for a married woman to have this kind of drive?

Posted by Red :: 8:46 AM :: | ---------------------------------------

Friday, November 05, 2004

Come play with me...

Do you have a wicked sense of humor? Do you want to play with me?

This is where I will be playing on Sunday. I'll be the red-head with the puzzled look on her face. You can find me, right? Here's another surefire way to spot me...my husband is 6 foot 6.

Posted by Red :: 5:01 PM :: | --------------------------------------- It's funny 'cause it's true...

Ok. I don't know what the fuck this is, but I love it...

Posted by Red :: 4:48 PM :: | --------------------------------------- Prima Donna Pissing?

This article just "pisses" me off...

Any woman with a tight dress, a pair of high stiletto heels in a crowded, smokey nightclub that has to use a bathroom that 40 drunk chicks have already tried unsuccessfully to pee in can tell you...we know *exactly* how to squat thank you very much...

Posted by Red :: 4:43 PM :: | --------------------------------------- Taxidermy for Children

You just have to love the enthusiasm...

Posted by Red :: 4:41 PM :: | --------------------------------------- Hungry for some old-timey critter vittles?

We have just what you need...yum, yum!

Posted by Red :: 4:39 PM :: | --------------------------------------- Hello....Tech Support???

I hate when my computer desktop icons take on a life of their own...

Posted by Red :: 4:30 PM :: | --------------------------------------- Oh yay!!!

Blogger has been very naughty today. Not letting me in to post and I'm chuck full of fun things to say!

It's been a humorous day...bear with me.

I'm a chronic nail biter. I know, it's awful - it's part of that oral fixation I mentioned...I really do have one! I haven't got the patience to sit through getting acrylic nails done in a salon every two weeks so I buy Broadway Nails at the drug store and glue them on. People are always saying how nice my nails look and if I ned to, I can just pop those suckers right off. Which, incidentally, plays into this story...

I went to the grocery store for lunch to grab a sub. At the register, I'm fumbling for my wallet in my overstuffed Kate Spade bag while an elderly gent bags my goodies when suddenly *pop*! And through the air, this little red fingernail sails - - - landing perfectly inside the little old man's apron front pocket.

Nothing looks worse than a handful of glossy red nails and one empty finger and I know I have nail glue with me...so I want it back.

Me: Excuse me, sir? I'm sorry - my fingernail is in your pocket...
Him: Eh?
Me: My fingernail, see? (I show him) It just popped off and landed in your pocket.
Him: (blank look) What were you doing with your hand in my pocket?
Me: (kidding) I was trying to cop a feel!

...and yada-yada-yada, I did get my nail back, but I'm no longer welcome at the Boca Raton Publix grocery store.

Posted by Red :: 4:20 PM :: | ---------------------------------------

Thursday, November 04, 2004

All I want for Christmas...

...Is some big perky boobs and a little collagen in the lips!

Posted by Red :: 9:39 AM :: | --------------------------------------- And, when we return, rotting flesh!

Has t.v. really sunk to this level?

Posted by Red :: 9:36 AM :: | --------------------------------------- Which Rock Chick Are You?

Which Rock Chick Are You?


I have no idea who this is...but I can see myself as bold and funny.

Fuck you. Ha, ha.

Posted by Red :: 9:23 AM :: | --------------------------------------- I love you...and you, and you....

Good morning! Good morning! Good morning!

Yes, The Odd Wife is downright chipper this morning! How unusual!

First, I have people! I have blog people! Yes, you! I see you sneaking in on my counters, reading, commenting and linking back to me. Oh, glorious day! I love you all! Hey...come back....

Oh, yes...and I got lucky last night. Always a surefire way to put The Odd Wife in a delightful frame of mind.

Okay, I'll turn it off now.

But, I am going to locker-room talk for a minute. Last night, shortly after Hubby and I got home, I laid down on the couch and began to drift off into a catnap. It was a long day, sue me. Anyway, my head was filled with these images...like dreams or fantasies...I could see Hubby and I in a fetish club, getting down and dirty with each other. As I sunk to my knees to do the oral please, another woman walked up and commented that "That looks good". So, I invited her to join in.

Now, it's not at all uncommon for me to fantasize about women, but there are two major consistancies. One, it's always in the context of a threesome with my husband. Apparently strictly girl on girl just isn't enough for me. And two, I never see what they look like. I can't tell you hair color or if she's pretty or tall - nothing. They are always nameless and faceless. Since I have a bit of a jealousy streak, this makes sense to me also.

So, mystery woman and I are sharing the blow job fun. At this point, I start to wake up. Damn, damn, damn. Dinner to cook, homework to help check...life is not waiting for me to finish my little thought sequence.

I get up and walk to hubby in his chair, crawl across him for a kiss and whisper "I've been thinking some very naughty things about you".

Later, bedtime...

We take a shower together. Hubby loves showers with me. I soap him up from head to toe and use my body as a loofah to clean him. Once he's been washed and rinsed, I sink to my knees with the shower water still pouring over us both and start the fun. Light licking, deep sucking. All the while caressing his thighs, his ass, his balls...I love doing this...

I start to rise up and he grabs me and before I can blink, we're locked together. Me with my back to him, leaning over, hands splayed on the tile wall while he takes me from behind. Water still pouring over us both.

It was fast, but it was hot!

Hubby finished first. I said fast, right? (Actually a blessing...hubby can sometimes go for hours and hours)

But I'm still worked up. I kick him out of the shower (it's small) and turn it to tub mode. My favorite.... I lay back in the water, slid forward and let the running water hit just the right spots. 20 seconds later and I'm now done and satisfied.

Now, something happens to me after sex...I turn into this sappy, drively, love-filled, Hallmark-card spouting geek. I cuddle up with Hubby and intermittantly tell him how much I love him, how important he is to me, how I want to make him happy, how I want to keep turning him on...blah, blah, blah...

It wears off after a bit, but as you can see - the good mood stays with me for a bit longer!

Hump days are the best, aren't they???

Posted by Red :: 8:21 AM :: | ---------------------------------------

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

Thank you, Senator

I just had to post a "Thank you" to John Kerry for his most graceful exit. After the 2000 election nightmares, I was completely expecting another legal onslaught of arguing and was truly amazed to see Kerry step up and concede with dignity. With a country as divided as America, and every presidential hopeful screaming that they want unity and peace - Kerry actually acted on his words and has earned my respect.

Kudos!

Posted by Red :: 4:05 PM :: | --------------------------------------- Christians 0, Lions 1

I'm sure he meant well...

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But when a religious wing-nut asks themself "What would Jesus do?" and decides that the answer is this there is just something very wrong...

Posted by Red :: 1:18 PM :: | --------------------------------------- Sweet...or Stalking???

I'm not sure if this is romantic or scary...

Posted by Red :: 1:16 PM :: | --------------------------------------- Bored now...

Well, the damned election went just as I predicted...no clear winner, lawsuits being filed the second the courts unlocked the doors. I never ever discuss with anyone, not even Hubby, who I vote for, but the truth is that at this point I don't care. I only want to know who the next president is going to be. There are pros and cons with both candidates and we're spending the next 4 years with one of them. I just want to know who.

The voter process needs to be changed. I'm in favor of the touch-screen voting, but it needs a paper back-up receipt. When you vote, you should receive a slip of paper with no identifying information on it that lists your votes. You should also be able to log on to a website and enter the receipt # and confirm that your vote was cast as you intended. So when all the unhappy people come screaming out into the streets that their vote was changed or discarded, they can check for themselves that the website matches their little receipt.

Whatever. I'm no rocket scientist. But who knows, perhaps I just gave away the trillion dollar idea. If you steal it and run with it, do me one favor. Send me a little $$$ bonus and I'll be happy with that.

Okay, I find politics boring (sorry) so it's moving-on time.

Personal blurbs:

1. I am furious with the way my 8 year old daughter is being treated by her cheerleading coaches. I keep her in this program for the exercise and the sense of accomplishment. She does very well and the junior coaches seem to be picking on her. I plan to straighten this out. I encourage them to be tough with her, but they've crossed the line into abusive and I'll be damned if anyone is messing with The Odd Daughter.

2. A co-worker is overtly flirting with me. I love the attention, but this guy is such an amateur that I end up feeling embarassed for him. He reminds me of an overgrown frat boy. The kind that still drinks beer through a funnel in his late 30's while making bizarre monkey noises. I'm a lucky girl...

3. I have readers! People reading me and commenting! I love it! Do it more! I'll try to be mildly entertaining. If that fails, I'll just write about sex.

4. No sex last night. Hubby was enthralled with the election to the point of ignoring the rest of us. That's okay. No one can possibly be expected to provide me 100% attention 100% of the time. Not that I wouldn't like it...I'm an attention whore.

5. Hubby and I made an election bet yesterday. (My idea). I suggested we each say who we thought would win and the person who was right would get to be blindfolded and "catered to". He said he thought the winner should pick the restaurant to eat at. I almost smacked him. I do everything short of Olympic-quality gymnastics in the bedroom - try to muster up a little fucking enthusiasm! He spotted the look I gave him and said that he meant in addition to the blindfolded thing.

Whatever.

Posted by Red :: 10:06 AM :: | ---------------------------------------

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

That's not how you french kiss, asshole...

Someone's getting the sexy art of french kissing all wrong...

Makes you think, huh? If you don't consider kissing to be an art form, think again. Ever kiss a plain awful kisser? Yuck.

Kissing is a huge turn-on. I love kissing...light, feathery strokes of the tongue, deep kisses...just thinking about it distracts me from what I am supposed to be doing...working.

Nibbling is fine. A nip here and there can be so sexy. But when you bite half a woman's tongue off...you've just crossed the line, asshole.

Posted by Red :: 4:40 PM :: | --------------------------------------- Passion...

Now this is the kind of passion I want in my life! The "I must have you now" kind of passion.

There are so many things I want to know about this and they have deprived me of the details! I want to know what kind of sex it was...missionary? Doggy-style? Did they change positions? Did either of them orgasm? Did anyone cheer them on?

I guess I have discovered the voyeur in me...which reminds me...

I need to look up local fetish party nights. I want to take Hubby out on the town and see what interesting things develop. We've been to ONE before and we enjoyed the heck out of it. I had this little handheld fan thing and I was toying with it while hubby went to get us drinks. A stunning tall girl in head to toe latex straps walked over and begged to use it because she was sweating so badly in her latex. It got tangled in her waist length hair and as I tried to help her free herself, hubby returned.

I said, "Look, honey! I caught you one!"

Aren't I the very best wife?

Posted by Red :: 4:04 PM :: | --------------------------------------- Thank God THAT'S Settled...

At least the suspense is over...I now know for certain who our next president will be...

Posted by Red :: 11:47 AM :: | --------------------------------------- Regular or Decaf?

Okay, we've all had those days where it sounds appealing...but this is going a bit far.

Posted by Red :: 10:47 AM :: | --------------------------------------- The *RIGHT* way to unwind after work...

Maybe it's the new haircut...but lately, I look at my husband and just want to devour him.

Last night, with daughter at cheerleading practice, we settled in to mindlessly stare at reruns of sitcoms on the tv for a few minutes and I just wanted my hands on him. Innocent enough to begin with, soft strokes through his shorts. Moving into freeing him so I could get my mouth on him. I have a complete oral fixation. Food, candy, cigarettes, pen caps, penises - you name it, I want to put it in my mouth. I've always earned high praise for my efforts in this department, but this time hubby asked if I had been watching the porn movie we borrowed from friends. I asked what he meant and he complimented my technique. LOL. Okay, I was just kind of doing what came naturally...

A few minutes pass and we're running out of time. We now have about 7 minutes to pick up our daughter. I yanked off my stockings and panties and climbed on his lap. A minutes or two pass and I pause to check the time and he whispers "Don't stop". So I didn't. It was lovely...just lovely. Being married to a man I am so intensely attracted to just can't be beat.

There's only one problem. I seriously suspect I am a sex addict. For a woman, I just want it all the time, every moment of every day with nearly anyone I lay eyes on. I don't indulge in my aspirations to be a total whore because I love my husband...VERY much.

But...if you happen to be a man walking past and I glance at you. Odds are good that I'm wondering what you'd be like in bed and what would turn you on.

Posted by Red :: 9:27 AM :: | ---------------------------------------

Monday, November 01, 2004

The MEAN Wife?

M (my best friend) said to me today that she needed mean lessons. I asked her why on earth she would think I am qualified to help? She said I always dream up the perfect response.

Come to think of it, that was kind of mean in itself...

But, it's also true. I have a knack for knowing the right response to someone to knock them down a peg or set them straight. I dream up the ideal remark that is cutting and witty and just perfect.

Problem is, I am too much of a wimp to deliver it. Sure, I'll tell Mindy or my husband about it later, but I never have the guts to SAY it when it needs to be said. I'm such a non-confrontational wuss.

So, maybe I need mean lessons too.

Fuck you.

See? I'm trying.

Posted by Red :: 4:46 PM :: | --------------------------------------- Broken Hearts

Someone I care about is about to lose someone else that I care about. And the feeling is a little like watching a slow-motion car accident. Helpless to stop the forces already in motion and fearful of the injuries about to be sustained.

My best friend, and her husband who is also a very close friend are nearing the point of divorce. Over the years, I have spoken to both of them in depth about their feelings and worries. They are both going to be very hurt for some time.

The most painful thing is that they both want the exact same things from the marriage, and they can both communicate how they feel to me - but they can not tell each other. Sad...

Love sucks. And not in the feel-good way, either.

Posted by Red :: 4:39 PM :: | --------------------------------------- November...already???

How in the hell can it be November 1st? Part of me is wondering where this year went and part of me is glad to see it go.

This has been a year of pure hell...

A special thank you "shout out" to The Good Wife who graced me with a gmail invite so I can switch my email. I read The Good Wife daily and never tire of her blog. But, I didn't copy her for my own blog name...anyone who knows you will assure you that I am both "Odd" and a "Wife". Really...

Halloween, my favorite holiday, lacked a bit of punch this year for me. Maybe the strain of the year. Maybe my witchy striped tights were, well, too tight. Who knows?

It's still freaking me out that it's November. November! Jeeeez. Now I have to plan Thanksgiving...well, I guess "plan" is a strong word to use. It's not like the menu changes. Turkey, stuffing, gravy, mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce, rolls, salad...

Now I'm hungry. Damn.

Posted by Red :: 9:46 AM :: | ---------------------------------------