Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Spoke too soon...

Did I say "peace" in my last email? Silly me. I spoke too soon.

STBX called PC and freaked out over the phone about those mysterious emails that were forwarded to me. She said they had been mailed to her at the house.

I call "bullshit".

First of all, I've become a bit web-savy over the past few years. It's amazing what you learn when you are desperate to find answers online and ever since EH's affair I have honed my internet snooping skills to be quite strong.

All of the emails forwarded to me passed through the same IP address. One email, which contained a link to an old, but specific page on this blog was clicked through with the referrer showing as "us.yahoomail.showletter" through that same IP address. That IP address matches 100% the IP address used on all recent and older emails from STBX to PC.

No doubt about it. They came through her computer. Why she waited this long to freak out is beyond me, unless I was right and she didn't notice the dates of the emails until today.

No matter. The bottom line is she is freaking out.

PC is baffled too, though he can't deny the "smoking gun" IP address. But the bottom line is that she now knows a history between him and her that he had hoped to spare her. His past has caught up with him and he has to deal with it.

So why do I feel so sick over it?

Partly because the peace is being broken. STBX is bound to be a very angry person for some time and even though her anger will be directed at PC, it affects me.

Partly because I don't want the drama. Now that I have tasted quiet life, I'm not really ready to give it up.

Partly because it raises questions.

PC is guilty of the same and worse that I convicted EH of. It all occurred before my time in his life, but still has the power to unsettle me. Do I hold those actions against him or can I believe that they had nothing to do with me, happened before me and don't really involve me? I lean towards the latter. I don't feel like the past he had before me should affect us.

It would be almost impossible to express how strongly I do not want to wander down that path again, and yet - here I am. On that path. As a bystander this time. The emails were not from or to me, so I'm not the "other woman" but being here again still bothers me.

I love PC. I need to continue on our drama free days. I've had enough drama over the past years for 8 lifetimes and I'm just not willing to experience it all again.

So, how exactly do I navigate this path this time? Or do I just ignore it? If PC and I are a team/partners/in love than I have to walk it with him. I can't ignore or avoid it.

Is this the karma?

I'm going to share some deeper things with you. I know at least one person will appreciate them.

When I found out about EH and his affair, I was livid beyond reason. Sanity gone. I was pregnant, hormonal and even worse - I was a happily married woman who believed in her marriage with all of her heart. I shattered into a million pieces. I still loved (and alternately hated) EH, but my rage was primarily directed at the other woman. I felt she was even more guilty than he was. I wanted her to suffer the way that I was. The way EH was. I wanted her punished. I fantasized about how to get even. I sent nasty emails, left nasty comments on her blog and sought to engage her in fights every chance I could. She responded each and every time and eventually initiated more than reacted. We goaded each other. As much as she was a daily thorn for me, it became clear that she relished the fights. Eventually her boyfriend got involved as well and he took the fight to more dangerous levels. I wasn't able to let go of them until I left EH. When I walked away from EH I gave up the reason to fight. Today, I could honesty care less about either of them. When she last emailed me out of the blue to be bitchy it was to ask if I had found out her ex's contact info and sent him the dirt on her. I hadn't. Once I would have loved to, but I hadn't. The truth is that I never really had enough information on her to do it. By the time karma had bitchslapped her by revealing her past to her ex, I was beyond it enough to not even care. Once I would have celebrated it.

Karma...I know karma plays a role here. The casting has been changed around, but I've ended up seeing her position in person.

Now, I have learned from her. I would never antagonize STBX the way she so loved to do to me. I remember how hurt I was and how I lashed out in anger, so I just can't hate STBX. I can hate some of her actions, but I wouldn't wish anything bad on her. Because of my experience I can be the bigger person that once I might not have been. Maybe it takes a walk in those shoes to understand. I've now walked in both pairs.

I have to brace myself now for whatever STBX has coming our way. I don't know if this will irrationally intensify her anger towards me or channel it more to him. I don't know if she will start trying to create more problems but her actions since Friday are increasingly unstable. The hacking, the lies, the attempts to start problems...I have to believe a storm is brewing.

What I really have to figure out is if I want to weather that storm again. Bystander or not, it was intense and painful last time and it would take a lot out of me to do it now.

I love PC. That's a good enough reason for me. I have to focus on that when all of my instincts are urging me to walk run away.

Posted by Red :: 2:22 PM :: | ---------------------------------------