Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Spoke too soon...

Did I say "peace" in my last email? Silly me. I spoke too soon.

STBX called PC and freaked out over the phone about those mysterious emails that were forwarded to me. She said they had been mailed to her at the house.

I call "bullshit".

First of all, I've become a bit web-savy over the past few years. It's amazing what you learn when you are desperate to find answers online and ever since EH's affair I have honed my internet snooping skills to be quite strong.

All of the emails forwarded to me passed through the same IP address. One email, which contained a link to an old, but specific page on this blog was clicked through with the referrer showing as "us.yahoomail.showletter" through that same IP address. That IP address matches 100% the IP address used on all recent and older emails from STBX to PC.

No doubt about it. They came through her computer. Why she waited this long to freak out is beyond me, unless I was right and she didn't notice the dates of the emails until today.

No matter. The bottom line is she is freaking out.

PC is baffled too, though he can't deny the "smoking gun" IP address. But the bottom line is that she now knows a history between him and her that he had hoped to spare her. His past has caught up with him and he has to deal with it.

So why do I feel so sick over it?

Partly because the peace is being broken. STBX is bound to be a very angry person for some time and even though her anger will be directed at PC, it affects me.

Partly because I don't want the drama. Now that I have tasted quiet life, I'm not really ready to give it up.

Partly because it raises questions.

PC is guilty of the same and worse that I convicted EH of. It all occurred before my time in his life, but still has the power to unsettle me. Do I hold those actions against him or can I believe that they had nothing to do with me, happened before me and don't really involve me? I lean towards the latter. I don't feel like the past he had before me should affect us.

It would be almost impossible to express how strongly I do not want to wander down that path again, and yet - here I am. On that path. As a bystander this time. The emails were not from or to me, so I'm not the "other woman" but being here again still bothers me.

I love PC. I need to continue on our drama free days. I've had enough drama over the past years for 8 lifetimes and I'm just not willing to experience it all again.

So, how exactly do I navigate this path this time? Or do I just ignore it? If PC and I are a team/partners/in love than I have to walk it with him. I can't ignore or avoid it.

Is this the karma?

I'm going to share some deeper things with you. I know at least one person will appreciate them.

When I found out about EH and his affair, I was livid beyond reason. Sanity gone. I was pregnant, hormonal and even worse - I was a happily married woman who believed in her marriage with all of her heart. I shattered into a million pieces. I still loved (and alternately hated) EH, but my rage was primarily directed at the other woman. I felt she was even more guilty than he was. I wanted her to suffer the way that I was. The way EH was. I wanted her punished. I fantasized about how to get even. I sent nasty emails, left nasty comments on her blog and sought to engage her in fights every chance I could. She responded each and every time and eventually initiated more than reacted. We goaded each other. As much as she was a daily thorn for me, it became clear that she relished the fights. Eventually her boyfriend got involved as well and he took the fight to more dangerous levels. I wasn't able to let go of them until I left EH. When I walked away from EH I gave up the reason to fight. Today, I could honesty care less about either of them. When she last emailed me out of the blue to be bitchy it was to ask if I had found out her ex's contact info and sent him the dirt on her. I hadn't. Once I would have loved to, but I hadn't. The truth is that I never really had enough information on her to do it. By the time karma had bitchslapped her by revealing her past to her ex, I was beyond it enough to not even care. Once I would have celebrated it.

Karma...I know karma plays a role here. The casting has been changed around, but I've ended up seeing her position in person.

Now, I have learned from her. I would never antagonize STBX the way she so loved to do to me. I remember how hurt I was and how I lashed out in anger, so I just can't hate STBX. I can hate some of her actions, but I wouldn't wish anything bad on her. Because of my experience I can be the bigger person that once I might not have been. Maybe it takes a walk in those shoes to understand. I've now walked in both pairs.

I have to brace myself now for whatever STBX has coming our way. I don't know if this will irrationally intensify her anger towards me or channel it more to him. I don't know if she will start trying to create more problems but her actions since Friday are increasingly unstable. The hacking, the lies, the attempts to start problems...I have to believe a storm is brewing.

What I really have to figure out is if I want to weather that storm again. Bystander or not, it was intense and painful last time and it would take a lot out of me to do it now.

I love PC. That's a good enough reason for me. I have to focus on that when all of my instincts are urging me to walk run away.

Posted by Red :: 2:22 PM :: | --------------------------------------- Laissez Les Bon Temps Roulez

This morning I flashed PC from my towel-wrapped naked state and held out my hand expectantly for beads and he just looked confused. I did it a 2nd and 3rd time and he slapped my palm as if to give me "five". I finally asked if he knew what day it was and flashed him again.

PC looked me up and down and said "Fat Tuesday?"

I really wish he'd just said "Mardi Gras"...

Still, it is indeed Fat Tuesday. Day of debauchery. Day of beads, King's Cake, drinking-til-you-puke, parades, flashers and revelry.

Except for me. Normally I would be baking a King's Cake, wearing my beads and boa and being generally silly. But things are quiet right now and I overlooked the day...and that's okay with me. Quiet is a nice change.

I'm surprised by the lack of drama in my life lately. I've been surrounded by drama for so long that I just don't know what to do with myself during the quiet times.

You give me peace I told PC.

With that said, I feel ready to start focusing on things one at a time.

Mission #1. Cooking. My March project will be to work on my cooking. I'm not a bad cook, but I'm interested in getting better. I'll be adding to my kitchen appliances and learning some skills. I'd like to celebrate my work by having a small dinner party at our condo by the end of the month (on April 1st - Saturday)

Which means, PC, that the dining room table clock is ticking!!!

You're all invited of course...

Posted by Red :: 9:29 AM :: | ---------------------------------------

Monday, February 27, 2006

My Bad Man

What makes a person "bad"?

PC considers himself to be bad. He's been told he's "bad" all of his life. STBX has repeatedly told him how "bad" he is. He takes a certain amount of pride in his badness.

He told me we're a perfect fit because I am bad too.

Now, I admit to being far from perfect. I know that I have a tendency to look at a situation and my first thoughts are of how the situation affects me. I don't mean to be selfish or self-centered, but I do react that way before cognizant thought has a chance to organize. Your house just burned down? My first thought is of that scarf I loaned you, whether you plan to stay with me or of the dinner party we were supposed to attend at your place next week. Only after those thoughts flood my mind in the first 15 seconds do I have a moment to realize how sorry I am for you.

And if your misfortune can be my good fortune, I think of that too.

I don't mean to. It's how I am wired. I never thought I was a bad person. I supposed I am after all. I pretended to be deeply offended and sulked a bit. He seemed unsure of whether I was teasing or not. Inside I was laughing at his silliness.

PC has made choices in his life that weren't "good" choices. He's used situations to his advantage. He's manipulated. Is he bad?

From an outsider's perspective, I could see how someone might want to call him a "bad man". He's broken the law (white collar crime back in the day) and paid the price. He left his marriage. He slept around while married. And so on...

But this is the same man who sees to it that my needs are met, holds me tight when I need it most, tries to please me every chance he gets and whispers that he loves me in the night. He's anything but bad to me.

When I worry or fret, he jumps to soothe me or reassure me. He promises things will work out and then looks for ways to make that happen. Since PC lacks the capacity for empathy or sympathy, this is a special compliment to my position in his life.

That Off-Broadway show I have been dying to see for many years? He gets the tickets. My favorite restaurants? Pricey, but he takes me to both of my favorites in the span of 1 month. My lifelong dream of seeing snow? He flies me to Chicago on my birthday to see it for the first time.

I worry from time to time that something awful will happen to me and he won't want to be around it. With STBX's father in bad shape, PC hasn't lost any sleep over it or tried to see him, even though they were "friends" for 10 years or so. I worry about what might happen if I got sick. If the family cancer hit me, or a stroke or something awful.

What will happen if I get cancer? I asked him.

Then we'll go through that. He told me.

We. We.

And I believe him. Because to me, this bad man is only very, very good.

Posted by Red :: 12:40 PM :: | ---------------------------------------

Sunday, February 26, 2006

The Weekend Endeth

The weekend is drawing to a close and in all, it was a very satisfying one.

Friday night's date night was lovely. We savored fondue delicacies ranging from crisp veggies, bread and cheese to lobster, filet mignon, sirloin, scallops and finished with chocolate pecan fondue. I love The Melting Pot. Our plans to walk on the moonlit beach were sabotaged by a rainy night, but we took shelter in a renowned seaside bar (The Elbo Room) and played some pool.

Saturday, EH and I took SG to see the Florida Panthers pratice live at Incredible Ice. After we went to the Morikami Japanese Museum for the Hatsume Festival of spring. SG had a blast.

Sunday, PC and I took SG to The Florida Renaissance Festival. The rain soaked us to the bone and a brisk wind froze me, but we enjoyed the day. Still, it was heaven to return home and soak in a hot bath for a bit and warm up.

Our new neighbors are a concern to me. We are buying a condo, and living in it already, and renters moved in next door. The wife/mother seems to have some problems. She's always been quiet and sweet when we speak, but this weekend she was insane. SG played outside and witnessed her screaming profanities with blood pouring down her face. Her grown children who also live with her said she did it by slamming her own head repeatedly against a wall.

Throughout the weekend, we've heard her screaming in anger, pounding, slamming doors, storming off, speeding away and otherwise acting like a maniac.

She apologized but it didn't seem to stop repeat performances. SG was unnerved by it all and I hate to think I will have to say something to her. I feel badly for whatever she is going through (her kids said they suspect bi-polar) but my responsibility is to my little girl and this is just not acceptable.

I'm relaxed and feeling quite nice after my weekend. Looking forward to each day and not letting the small things frustrate me.

Posted by Red :: 7:52 PM :: | ---------------------------------------

Friday, February 24, 2006

5 Minutes

Just 5 minutes until my night begins!

PC called to tell me he'd made reservations at The Melting Pot for tonight's date night and then planned a little moonlit beach action. I'm so charmed! He may have planned that part, but I'm already making plans for after that!

And not one of them is remotely PG rated.

I have a busy, busy weekend but it's scheduled to be filled with all sorts of quality time, fun things and I am so excited! Finally!!! A GOOD weekend?!? My word, it's been months since I had one of those!

2 minutes. I think I can kill that packing my purse and grabbing my keys! See ya!!!

Posted by Red :: 4:36 PM :: | --------------------------------------- TGIF

...and now back to our regularly scheduled programming.

As you might have guessed, there was an incident last night. Someone hacked PC's email and took the time (a lot of time) to forward me a large number of emails between him and other women (sound familiar?). The emails date from January 2005 - early October 2005. PC and I became involved in November 2005.

I've already seen and read every one of the emails before. PC shared them with me so that I could understand his past. He also made a promise to me that I would never have to worry about that again. And thus far, he has been true to his word.

One of the emails that was "accessed" contained a link to an old page on this blog. Sitemeter was helpful enough to point out that at about 3:20 something pm yesterday someone clicked a link in a yahoo email and landed at that exact page. The IP address told me what I already knew. It was STBX. Gmail further helped by showing the IP address of the forwarder of the emails. Still STBX. Now, STBX isn't well-versed in the internet world and probably doesn't know much about the blogging world. From what I can see, she didn't access any other pages and hasn't been back. I don't think she will. Odds are good that she had no idea what she was seeing and probably didn't even read it. My open letter to her was just me getting my thoughts out since I have no intention of contacting her.

It was "uncomfortable" to see the emails. There was a deja vu about it from my experience with EH. But it helped that they were all pre-Odd Wife and that I had already seen them all. Still, PC was so wonderful. He dismissed the situation but was still concerned for me. He made a point of being attentive and loving and kind and before I knew it, I was more wrapped up in him than in fretting over such a silly thing. Before we fell asleep, I thanked him for it.

Tonight is date night and I am more excited than usual. We missed last weeks date night, so I'm overdue! And PC is taking his turn at it tonight, so my evening is being planned for me. I asked what the plan was and was told he was going to surprise me. How cool it that?

From the playfulness of the night before, to the tenderness of last night - it's all been so sweet. We got our cherished skin time last night and this time it was so intensely loving and passionate that I had no question in my mind how he felt about me.

And I feel exactly the same about him...

Posted by Red :: 9:14 AM :: | ---------------------------------------

Thursday, February 23, 2006

My Comments on Your Actions

Dear STBX,

Yes, I received the emails. I really wish you had just asked me if I knew about them before you spent hours forwarding them to me. I've seen every one of them before. I'm well aware of all of those situations. We had "full disclosure" with one another because we were committed to being honest and open with each other. Did you pay attention to the dates on the emails? Did you notice when they abruptly stopped?

Yes, I know that you sent them. Yes, I know that you're pretending you have no idea what I am talking about and that's okay. But please know that your IP addresses showed up in the email headers as well as on the blog link you clicked. IP addresses don't lie. And I know yours.

I imagine your intentions were to upset me or cause a fight. But I think what you did hurt you much more than it hurt me, and I am sorry for that. I've already read all of those emails. He shared them all with me when this began.

Most importantly, I'm wondering if you found the answer in those emails. The answer that I couldn't give you. You wouldn't have heard me. The answer is this: It was never about me.

Check the dates. Your problems date back to at least the beginning of last year in those emails. Long before I knew either of you. He was already gone, but still staying for his children. Knowing that, can you stop blaming me? Can you realize it was over long before I was an issue?

You have been through a lot of pain these past few months. You're dealing with a lot of anger. Right now, your family needs you and your strength. Your focus should be with them and not on digging up the past or trying to cause strife. Don't let this cloud the things that are truly important to you.

You already know that once upon a time I walked in your shoes. I was just as angry and bitter and hateful. It cost me something that I can never replace and will always mourn.

STBX, your marriage was over years ago. He told you that he was staying only for the kids for a very long time but that was growing harder and harder for him. You didn't get along. There was no communication, no honesty and no affection.

I am sorry for all that you are going through. I hope you will find that it is far better to put your energies into moving forward rather than fighting. There is no fight. The situation is what it is. No one wants to battle you. No one wants to hurt you.

It was never about me. Don't let it be about me now. Your family needs you and your kids need you. Let it be about them now.

You obviously know my email if you should want to talk.

Posted by Red :: 8:47 PM :: | --------------------------------------- Funny Girl

I caved and cleaned the house (or most of it) last night while I had some time to myself and I actually feel better about it. I'm hoping to get the rest done tonight.

PC was a busy man last night and it was nearly 11 pm before I had a moment alone with him. We snuggled up to watch American Idol together (thank you, TIVO) and relaxed.

It was less than an hour, but it was heaven. Nothing happened, just him and I together, laughing, kidding each other and playfully wrestling. It was just what I needed.

In all of it, he said to me, "You make me laugh" as we touseled again over some imaginary bickering.

It was a wonderful compliment. I want to make him laugh. I want to make him smile, laugh, sigh and think deep thoughts. I want to make him think of me when he hears songs on the radio. I want to make him appreciate me. I want to make him miss me when we're apart.

And, he says I do all of that. But hearing that one compliment delivered so easily and casually as we laughed and wrestled together was as wonderful as if he had recited a sonnet to me.

"You make me laugh"

That's good enough for me.

Posted by Red :: 12:10 PM :: | ---------------------------------------

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Humping Alone

Happy "Hump Day" to you and yours. Mine will be a lonely one with PC off to visit his boys and SG spending her night with EH. I'll be flying solo until after 8 pm and it'll be nice to have a bit of quiet time.

A solo hump day isn't all that bad, is it? Sure, it's lacking in the pleasant purpose, but let's face it...I could tackle the job on my own. Or...I could wait. Hmmm...what's a girl to do? Decisions, decisions...

I'm not sure how to describe my mood du jour. It's pretty good, no anxiety - but there's this undercurrent that I can't describe well. A bit like being hungry but not really wanting to eat. Conflicted?

My energy level is low and there are some frustrations surrounding me. SG not listening well to me lately, trying to catch up on past due bills, PC considering another major job change, PC thinking the cleaning fairy is supposed to visit or worse that it's my responsibility because I have a vagina (and everyone knows a vagina is required for scrubbing toilets, sweeping, mopping and picking up wet towels.)

The drama is quieted at the moment and leaves me an unfortunate glimpse of my daily life: Work at a lovely job that I adore, but it offers no responsibility, duties or challenges beyond simply being there, come home to a child who is sarcastic and aloof more and more lately, cook a dinner which both PC and SG seem to think magically appears on their plates since no one ever seems to say "Thanks!" for my grocery shopping/menu planning/cooking, clean something in a large condo that is perpetually messier each day - again, a chore PC and SG seem to think occurs by magic since they don't appreciate me scrubbing the toilet, tub, counter, sink, mopping, etc. Basically I feel completely unappreciated to people at the moment.

I hate sweeping and mopping our 100% tile condo. PC hates it too. He hates it to the point that he just won't do it. I tried that. We're on week 2 and it's looking rough. With 2 cats...it's just not pretty. PC is pretending not to notice and I'm on strike.

I work as hard as PC does...which really isn't saying much at the moment since we both have jobs that we can handle with little hard work. Nevertheless, we both work about 40 hours a week. We both MAKE the messes. Why am I the one who has to deal with it?

The problem is PC is used to STBX who never worked a day in their marriage and had nothing better to do than mop. PC and I both feel strongly about me working, so I don't have the luxury of 40 hours a week to dedicate to our home.

Yes, I'm annoyed. Not to mention feeling a bit "taken for granted" by damned near everyone around me.

So....PMS? Probably.

Posted by Red :: 12:30 PM :: | ---------------------------------------

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Oh, this old thing?

My supervisor let me go early last night, as she sometimes does, and I raced home at top speed. Seeing PC's car in the parking lot thrilled me and I dashed up the stairs and crept quietly into the house. I tiptoed to the bedroom, following the sounds of the television and saw his toes at the foot of the bed. I sprang into full-speed and threw myself on him, covering him with hugs and kisses.

He didn't have to ask if I missed him.

The evening was fairly low-key. PC had his regular Monday conference call and SG was working on a school project. I fell asleep unexpectedly and woke just as the call ended. PC and I snuggled into our spots and watched tv. Later we played just a bit. Did I imagine that it felt a little different?

Afterwards, we settled onto our front steps for our traditional "After Sex, Before Bed, Robes-Only Cigarette" and talked in the moonlight. We talked a bit about my meltdown that morning and he continued to be understanding. We talked a bit about love, fidelity, honesty, communication and our needs. We seem to be on the same page and I feel infinitely calmer.

I had to correct PC though when he used the word "jealousy". This is a hard distinction to make, but what I feel is not jealousy. If PC wants to leave me for another woman I won't like it, I'll be sad and hurt but I wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't want me anyway. What stirs me up is the fear that he'll keep women on the side for "fun" and lie to me about it the way EH did. The way PC did with his STBX wife. That's what scares me. You can't understand what it is unless you have been through it, but it takes a chunk of your life away. You find yourself re-examining everything over the past trying to pinpoint the clues you missed, the lies you fell for, the signs you overlooked and you see so many hurtful things. I don't ever want to have to rearrange my memories like that again.

I feel better, but tired. Still, it's a new day. I wonder where today will take me?

Posted by Red :: 12:04 PM :: | ---------------------------------------

Monday, February 20, 2006

JACKASS: Definition = The Odd Wife

I need to be locked up. Locked away. Kept from interacting with the public at all costs. Weapons of mass destruction? I know where they are...I found them in my head.

Feeding on my anxiety from last night, I looked for evidence of a problem. I was a lunatic. I stayed up all night trying to rationalize it all. By 5 am I was convinced he couldn't really love me, because I am of course completely unlovable. I decided to "catch" him so I could triumphantly prove that he couldn't love me/be trusted/stay in a relationship with me.

I am a giant jackass.

I went through his cell phone records. When I found 1 number called 2 times a day every day, I thought "Eureka! I found it!" I called the # (hoping like hell to get a voice mail) and a woman answered. I apologized for calling the wrong number and hung up.

Did I mention what a giant jackass I am? Huge. Enormous.

I called the unsuspecting PC at 8 am. He greeted me warmly with his usual "Hey baby!" that sounded happy to hear from me and the tears started to fall right then and there. I love this man and was about to lose him because I was either (a) right and he was a cheating dog or (b) I was about to reveal just how BIG of a jackass I was to him. I was ready to lose him either way.

I apologized and told him I was not doing well and proceded to very tentatively ask him about the things I was worried over.

The phone # turned out to be a work colleague. A real one, not some bullshit story. As it happened, the guys wife answered the phone. And she's probably wondering about the wrong number lady who called her husband.

What's bigger than enormous? I am a super-colossal jackass. I should be flogged.

PC never got upset. He was initially confused, then sorry to hear I was so insane but the entire time we talked he kept assuring me that he loved me, only me, wasn't going to do anything to screw this up, understood completely and encouraged me to always ask him when I had a doubt of any kind. He was a saint. I told him I completely understood if he wanted to dump such a crazy woman and find a nice, sane lady to love and he told me he was staying with me.

I felt better and worse all in one. I also felt an overwhelming urge to slap EH for making me such a fucking jackass. Tempting, but no.

I considered therapy, I considered a convent (do they have pagan convents?), I considered sedation. In the end, I know it will take time and patience from my partner to ever grow back into a person who can trust.

The tears are still falling, only now they are more gratitude for PC's understanding, relief from not catching him at an affair, sorrow for the whopping jackass that I have become, anger at EH for breaking me so completely and just a little hope because PC's understanding and ease with the incident once again offered the tiniest (and I mean TINIEST!!!) glimmer of hope that someone could be trusted.

I still haven't cracked the IM mystery, but I don't think I will ever be able to prove it either.

Meanwhile, PC comes home tonight and I am going to try like hell to get some sort of a grip on myself and not continue to be such an astronomic, barn door, big mama, blimp, colossal, excessive, gargantuan, gigantic, gross, huge, humongous, immense, jumbo, king-size, mammoth, massive, monstrous, mountainous, prodigious, stupendous, super-colossal, titanic, tremendous, vast, whopping JACKASS.

Posted by Red :: 10:01 AM :: | ---------------------------------------

Sunday, February 19, 2006

Take 2

I posted something earlier that was hostile and angry. In the past 2 hours, I've had some alone time to think and have decided to rewrite/reword/rethink the situation. I removed the post.

I have serious trust issues. Beyond serious. Terminal, even. I watched my mother leave two men after affairs - it cost me my Dad and my StepDad of 20 years. I learned that my grandparents marriage was a pack of lies. I heard lie after lie after lie from my family growing up. It did some damage. When EH betrayed me, it was the final straw. Here was the first, and only person, I had ever believed in and trusted with all of my heart. When he lied to me for 6 months to have his fling and I found out, I was beyond devastated. I lost my baby over it. In my mind, lies and betrayal equal devastation and the loss of things that matter to me.

I've been trying desperately to trust PC. Not only because I love him, but because I need to be able to trust someone again. I need it so much - well, you just can't imagine. I need to love someone and have them love me back and I need to know I can count on them. When you don't have that in your life - with anyone - not friend, family or lover, you feel so desperately alone and lost and broken.

You know PC is away this weekend. That increases my anxiety, but I was coping pretty well. Not fantastic, but that is something that would come with time. All told, I was doing okay.

I use Trillian for instant messaging. It let's me connect to AOL, Yahoo, MSN - all of them in one easy place so I can keep all of my "buddies" connected. When PC IMed me earlier tonight, he had his web cam on and in order for me to see it I had to log off Trillian and log into Yahoo directly. After we had chatted, I got booted and Yahoo closed on me.

I reopened the program and clicked connect. The login information was pre-entered. As it turns out, it wasn't mine. It was PC's log on.

Now, PC connects to Yahoo around the clock in our home. Never a problem. Almost always on with no odd occurences.

Tonight...not so much.

The instant it connected I was bombarded, and I mean bombarded with the slutty spammy IMs from women. "Miss me (x)?" "Hiya gorgeous (x)!" "Click here to see me naked!"

Now, I'm a tad computer savvy. If this doesn't happen usually in our home, then suddenly happens tonight - odds are good that PC's been in chat rooms or something like that, right? There's just no other explanation, is there? 14 messages in 3 minutes today, but never any other time?

I called him and asked about it and he assured me he hadn't done anything. Then, after 10-15 minutes the messages stopped as suddenly as they had started. Let me guess...chat room exited? Was I lied to? Which part was the lie? That he did anything? That he love(s)/(ed) me?

I can't describe my thoughts right now. I'm torn between two things: Love him without ever trusting him (or anyone, for that matter) or leave him and just stay away from relationships which only seem to reopen old wounds for me.

I'm hurt, I can't deny that. I want so much to believe him, but after what I've been through and what it cost me, I just can't. I can't. Maybe I never can.

I've been down this road, and I'll be damned if I'm doing it again. I honestly couldn't survive it.

Love him or leave him? Or do I choose door #3?

I never wanted to feel this way again. The doubts, the hurt, the questions.

Posted by Red :: 11:50 PM :: | --------------------------------------- I was fine...

I enjoyed the beach today with SG and got some sun on my skin. The water was crystal clear and the day was warm, with a light breeze. I relaxed with a good book and tried not to let the silence of my cell phone annoy me. When I arrived home, I had an IM from PC explaining that his cell battery was dead and decided to let him live without a limp for not calling.

I was feeling fine - even keeled and accepting PC's absence until tonight. Sure, I missed him, but coping without him.

PC and I chatted on IM for a few minutes and he connected to me with his web cam.

There he was. Unshaven, as he often is on the weekends, in a dark shirt. Smiling. And now it hurts. I didn't know how much I missed him until I saw his face and his smile and couldn't be there to touch him.

1 more day. I can't wait.

Posted by Red :: 9:49 PM :: | --------------------------------------- Absence

I've missed PC.

Friday and Saturday I kept myself busy enough to not dwell on the absence, but today will be different. Today will be a day of reflection.

I'm packing SG and myself off to the beach for a bit before I come home and tackle the housework. While she plays, I can absorb the sun and just think.

My position is a tough one. I'm thrilled PC gets to be with his boys all weekend. I'm disappointed that I barely heard from him. That "out of sight, out of mind" thing with him. I'm worried about his STBX's father, who is not recovering well from his stroke. I'm worried about the impact on STBX, the kids and PC.

Time to clear my mind for a bit. The worries will all still be there for me to fret over later.

Posted by Red :: 10:02 AM :: | ---------------------------------------

Friday, February 17, 2006

I Survived

It's payday and I am still reeling from the magic. I took my little piece of paper to the bank and they gave me cash for it. A concept I have dearly missed for the past 30 DAYS!!!

PC is gone, gone, gone. Off to stay in his old house for the next 3 days while his STBX is on her cruise. I feel awful because her father suffered a stroke this morning and she found out about it on her trip. The kids were staying with her parents today until PC picked them up, but he's had to rush down to get them instead.

For the 4th day, PC managed to swing by for a lunch date with me. My co-workers are green with envy. I'm charmed :)

PC's doing really well with his job and it looks like it's starting to come together for him. It makes him happier, which makes ME happier! Win-win all around.

I'm still complaint free. Other than a nagging worry I'll be lonely for the next 3 days, I can't come up with anything to complain about!

Not a bad thing, eh? Just not exciting reading.

Posted by Red :: 2:56 PM :: | ---------------------------------------

Thursday, February 16, 2006

That Man

For the 3rd time this week, I enjoyed a lunch date with PC. It says something to me that he keeps managing to swing by for lunch to see me. He works easily 30 miles away and whenever he manages to be "in the area" he calls me up for lunch. I'm charmed by it!

I'll be PC-free this weekend and hating it. He's spending Friday, Saturday and Sunday at his old house watching his kids while STBX is off on a cruise. I know he's looking forward to the time with his boys, but I still feel a bit creeped out at the idea of him sleeping in his old bed in his old room in his old house surrounded by his old life. Besides that, I'll just miss him!

I'm planning to use the time well, though. Some errands, some fun time with SG and relaxing. With any luck, the weekend will just fly by...

I continue to feel more and more relaxed with PC and happy all around. I have no idea if it's by design or just luck, but it's working for me right now. I'm not worrying or stressing or looking for problems at the moment and things have been on a really even keel for the entire week. I'm beginning to feel a completely new sense of "well-being" that I don't know if I have ever experienced before. This feeling like things are taken care of and everything is just right.

It feels kinda good!

The only possible anxiety I can dream up is one I feel powerless to handle. STBX. I'm not worried or anything like that, but a part of me does wish that I could come to some sort of a resolution with her that would make everyone's lives easier. From what I understand from PC, she no longer "blames" me for the divorce (a good step). I want to eventually get to a place with her where we can co-exist in peace. I want her to be able to leave the kids with us when she needs a break or has plans without it being a huge complicated deal. I want PC to be able to relax and not feel like a sirloin standing between two tigers, wondering which woman he's going to annoy/piss off/hurt/offend today.

Any suggestions? Or should I just leave it alone?

Posted by Red :: 11:47 AM :: | ---------------------------------------

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

The Day After

I usually blog about my worries, my concerns, my stress...I'm finding it so much harder to blog when I feel happy and relaxed. I imagine those times are infinitely more rare, huh?

So...you'll be treated to my random thoughts today.

Valentine's Day was lovely. PC bought us the aforementioned Tony & Tina's Wedding tickets and a card that was incredibly on the mark. His note handwritten inside was even sweeter. All in all, the spirit was captured and felt so wonderful. We cooked a dinner of mahi mahi and pasta together and once again, relaxed in front of the TV to our favorite shows. PC's card talked about wishing we could spend Valentine's Day in Paris or Venice, and he might never know that the fact that he wished it meant more than if we had even been there. I truly, wholeheartedly enjoyed our day together.

It's beginning to look like I won't see PC for the entire weekend, which I am not crazy about. The blow is softened by the fact that I get paid for the first time in over a month and can breathe just a little bit instead of staying cooped up in the house. EH and I made plans to take SG ice-skating on Saturday. She's been dying for lessons and we want to see if she enjoys it as much after trying it before we sink the money into it. I remember all too well how fast she got bored with guitar only AFTER I spent the money on the guitar and the lessons. Silly girl...

I'm not much of an expensive (meaning: "real") jewelry girl (mainly because I lose things) but I have fallen madly in love with this ring. Granted, it's not expensive, but it's stunning. There's matching earings and a necklace on the site too, but the ring really caught my eye. I may have to save up those paychecks...!

I tried on 2 dresses that have been hiding in the very back of my closet. Dresses I bought 9 1/2 years ago after SG was born and haven't fit into since. I'm crazy about both dresses, so I held them. They're a size smaller than I wear now, so I was hesitant to try them on...but I did...and...they fit. They're just a little snug, making them hitch up a bit at the waist where they should lie smoothly, but they fit. Zipped up without a fight and fit. I even managed to wear one last night. PC said he liked it and when EH dropped SG off, we hugged and he was in no hurry to let go - so I'm guessing they looked halfway decent and I'm so glad! Now I feel more motivated to make them fit smoothly and continue on the quest for gorgeousness.

I'm having lunch with my Dad today.

I'm going to beat PC half-to-death tonight if he doesn't help me with the house. The house is a mess right now. PC has complained about it and I felt guilty. We share the housework 50/50 - something new to him since his STBX wife was a housewife, but we both work full time jobs and we can share the duties. Unfortunately, I am beginning to realize we're not actually sharing the duties since PC is slickly escaping (refusing) to do the chores that suck the most...clean bathrooms, sweep, mop...I did make him an offer that if he got me a Hoover Floormate, I would do the tile floors (they're ALL tile) without complaint. I want THIS ONE.

It's that or a maid. But I'm getting grouchy feeling like it's supposed to be MY responsibility. Possessing a vagina does not make me a slave. The deal is a simple one with 4 options: (1) Share 50/50 (even the sucky chores) (2) Share 60/40 and buy me the Floormate as a sacrifice for the floors (3) Hire a maid (4) Earn enough constant income to keep me home as a housewife with an allowance so I can shop and go places without begging for money. Fair enough, yes?

Anyhoo...

Random enough for you?

Posted by Red :: 12:50 PM :: | ---------------------------------------

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Self-Analysis

Celtic Cross posted a Johari window generator which was invented in the 1950s as a model for mapping personality awareness. You describe yourself from a fixed list of adjectives, then ask others to describe you from the same list, a grid of overlap and difference can be built up.

Celti said it best when she said, "I've always been very curious about how others perceive me versus how I perceive myself. One thing that I noticed while doing this was the lack of negative words - there are a few that lean towards the negative, but very few. I suppose it doesn't hurt to put a positive spin on things, but, in light of that, how accurate can it be? What if I saw myself as irresponsible, obnoxious and annoying? lol"

 

Following Celti, I've made my own.  Please visit my Johari window and submit the words you associate with me.   You can create your own while you're there and we can all do the self-analysis together.

Posted by Red :: 10:04 AM :: | --------------------------------------- Happy Valentine's Day

The day of hearts and flowers is upon us and it's hard not to feel the warm fuzzies.  Stll broke, I bought a card for PC and made him a small picture frame collage of photos of us that I had printed off on our color printer.  Not nearly what I wanted to do for him, but at least a token...

 

PC's STBX wife pulled the stunt we both silently suspected was coming and informed him last night that he was supposed to take his boys today (his usual night is actually Wednesday).  Neither of us had shared our suspicions but we both had them.  PC informed her that he had plans (I was so proud of him) and she didn't take it well.  An argument ensued and in the end he agreed to see the boys for an hour or so, still allowing him to be home for dinner.  She likes to call him to drop last minute plans for him and the kids on him and when he has already made plans she'll throw "I guess she means more than the kids" or something like that.  It's unfair to him.  She accused him of throwing it in her face that he had Valentine's plans when all he said was "I have plans".  I apologized to him when he hung up because I end up feeling awful knowing it's because of me that he has to go through all of it.  It's a tough situation.  Instead of relaxing tonight, I actually feel terrible that he's not with his kids.

 

I feel badly for STBX too.  I don't wish anything bad for her.  I do wish we could get to a place of peaceful acceptance and co-existance.  I really do.  If we could somehow all work together, I think everyone would be happier. 

 

I came out to my car to find a little love note from PC informing me that I was cordially invited to Tony & Tina's Wedding.  I have wanted to see this ever since I first heard about it 5 years ago.  It's coming in to town next month and we'll be there!  If you don't know what it is, be sure to click the link and read about it.  I'm thrilled.  I was hoping for a card or a rose or chocolate (always a perfect gift!)...and this is wonderful!

 

I felt closer to PC last night, so I believe our talk helped so much.  I was relaxed with him and the mood between us was playful and fun as we watched 24 and The Bachelor together.  This morning all I wanted was to stay snuggled up to him under the covers and warm but his iron will sent him on his way to work.

 

Tonight, our plans are...well, no plans.  We're broke.  He bought a brand new car yesterday and theater tickets so we'll be eating in.  What we will eat remains a mystery but I am looking forward to it either way...

 

 

Posted by Red :: 9:29 AM :: | ---------------------------------------

Monday, February 13, 2006

Patience, Odd Wife

PC and I got a chance to talk yesterday about some of the things I was frustrated with and for the most part it went well.  He kept seeming to think I was asking him to choose between me and his boys, which is something I would never do.  Then he seemed to think I was breaking up with him. Other than those two insulting bits, the conversation went well and I felt better.

 

He was attentive and warm yesterday which was a lovely treat after feeling so far apart from him.  I can honestly say that I enjoyed him thoroughly.

 

I still have to figure myself out.  I can't grasp the way I am feeling.  Impatient...anxious...stressed...excluded...frustrated.  All bad things to be feeling in a relationship.  I'm not exactly sure how to conquer the negative feelings.  I enjoy PC but lately it is too easy to let the bad feelings overtake the good ones.

 

I always feel like I am waiting for something that never comes.  I just don't know what that something is...more time?  money?  love?  What?  And why does whatever it is seem to elude me?

 

At least I can honestly say that the problem seems to be me.

 

I called PC to check in on him and he's buying a new car down the street.  We're going to try to meet for lunch which will be nice!

 

And...tomorrow's Valentine's Day.  I wonder what that will be like.

Posted by Red :: 12:58 PM :: | ---------------------------------------

Sunday, February 12, 2006

Sleepless

It's ironic that I referred to cancelling date night as a "cardinal sin" just the other day since PC just cancelled next Friday's date night with me.

I'm sleepless tonight. My mind is just whirling with thoughts that I don't know how to process. Some matters of right and wrong are so simple. You don't lie, steal, kill or run red lights. Why is it that right and wrong are so hard to understand when it comes to the heart?

PC and I both came into this relationship with "baggage". We handled it differently. I made my own "baggage" a part of our life together. I brought my entire family into this relationship, introduced him to everyone and made it all "ours". PC is important to me and it's equally important that my family is a part of it. His is still neatly separated from our life together. To date I have never met one of his friends or family members, save for pre-relationship when I met the kids and his STBX wife. Granted his family (a sister and two brothers) live far away.

And what is our life together anyway? Because somehow, at 4:30 in the morning I am still feeling like this big 3rd wheel in his life. I can understand that his STBX wife doesn't want his children around me. I really do. But that alone separates him and I largely. Somehow when I imagined PC and I together I pictured us all together. I didn't imagine always waiting on the outside of his life for him. I pictured days with all the kids playing. I pictured quality time as a whole.

Our money is still largely limited. PC spends 2 days/nights a week with his kids and they go out and do fun things together. When it comes to me, or me & SG, we seem to spend all of our time sitting around the house watching tv. I wish we could bring it all together and have all of us do things together instead of always feeling so left out. I feel like I spend a tremendous amount of time on the sidelines waiting. How do I bring PC & SG together into more of a family unit when our own time together is almost always sitting at opposite ends of our fairly large condo. There's almost no interaction between him and SG and there's absolutely no interaction between me and his children.

How do we build a life together when the most important parts of our life have to always be so separated?

It's a catch 22, really. And I'm beginning to see it as one that might never be resolved.

I feel alone tonight, but not in a bad way. I left EH because I needed to find happiness and I fell in love with PC along the way. I certainly found love, but did I actually find happiness too? Or did I manage to stumble into another impossible relationship?

PC spent the day with his kids, SG spent the day with EH. Everyone went out and had fun. I spent the day at the beach by myself watching families and friends and couples play and laugh. I spent the day watching everything I don't have. I went to relax in the sun, I left feeling cold.

I came home fairly late, knowing that PC was having a family dinner with STBX wife and his kids for his son's birthday. Knowing she was hoping to reconcile, I knew the topic would come up between them. I had resolved myself that I would accept it either way. It's a choice he has to make to go back to her or to make it clear to her that it's over. It's yet another choice to be with me or not. I was comfortable in that acceptance, but about 30 minutes before he was due home I started to literally tremble and shake. I didn't ask the fates to bring him home to me. I didn't ask for him to choose me. I asked that he make the right choice and to give me strength either way to face it.

So, where's that strength I ordered?

STBX wife is going on a cruise this week and PC will be spending time with his boys while she's away. It was originally to be Weds. and Saturday nights (overnight) and I had planned for that. Tonight he told me it's Friday and Saturday instead and that we'd have to skip date night. A little sting since that's my pay day and I'll actually have a few dollars to do date night the way I've been hoping to.

Instead, since EH has SG overnight and PC will be gone overnight, I think I'll go out and drink the night away in some crowded bar for the night and try to figure out just what the fuck it is that I want out of this life and how to go about getting it for a change.

I don't know how to make this relationship work with all of these special rules. Be my soulmate, just leave me alone on this day, this day and this day? Be there when I need you, go away when I don't? Sit this one out.

I know people from divorced marriages with kids make new relationships work all the time. I just don't know how. Especially when I'm not allowed to be in the same place at the same time as his kids. And is that ever supposed to change?

I'm just frustrated and venting, so don't mind me if this makes little to no sense. It just seems to me the pictures in the brochure PC and I painted together long ago aren't quite turning out to be what we imagined.

I reread the 4 love letters PC gave me in the beginning of this relationship. One talked about how all he wanted was to make me happy. And that's true. And he's great at it. I just didn't realize it was based upon the moments he had nothing better to do...which equals about 8 hours a week.

So, the bottom line is I'm unhappy. I'm sure I'm being selfish or spoiled, but I need something to change to be happy - and is it such a crime to want to be happy???

And PC can't make any changes in this area.

So that leaves us...where?

Hey, you do the math.

Posted by Red :: 4:21 AM :: | ---------------------------------------

Saturday, February 11, 2006

Date Night

I took SG to her Valentine's Day Dance with EH last night, where she jumped around to loud music. EH refused to dance with me even when I pleaded for him to join me for "Dancing Queen".

I returned home at about 8:30 and opened the door to a dim condo, lit by candle. The smell of an amazing meal immediately hit me and the table was set with a spinach salad topped with crunchies, croutons, cheddar cheese. There was a red foil wrapped chocolate rose on my plate and a bottle of red wine on the table. PC served up artichokes, ribeye steaks and loaded enormous baked potatoes. It was delicious.

Dinner was slightly stilted by the topic hanging over us. During the meal, his cell phone was vibrating with calls, presumably from STBX wife. He ignored them.

We talked only a little about it. He reassured me again that he had no desire to return to her and I admitted to worrying about it.

We adjourned to the bedroom where I was treated to a baby oil massage before the more sensual activities began. Again, it was over as I was just warming up and when I protested, PC suggested a break before "round two".

"Round two" never happened. PC flipped on the TV and I eventually fell asleep. It should have been a perfect date night, but it just didn't completely come together.

Today PC has his boys and then he's having dinner with STBX and the kids for his son's birthday. I don't quite know how I feel, but my mindset today seems to be to just let it all flow. The bottom line is that she wants him back and is going to try to win him back. If he can be "won" back, then he was never really mine, was he? What I mean is that if he has even the slightest desire to be with someone else, then he needs to not be with me anyways so why worry over it?

What I have to remember is what I want/need in a partner. Someone who challenges me, inspires me, stands beside me and who is prepared to commit to me and be faithful. If PC is that man, he's not going anywhere. And, if he's not, then the sooner he goes, the better.

So, I suppose I did make some progress, huh?

I'm going to head off to the beach for a bit of fun in the sun before the cold weather dawns on us. It's gorgeous outside in the high 70's with an expected high of 80, but then tomorrow it is supposed to plummet into the 30's. Only in Florida...

Posted by Red :: 11:32 AM :: | ---------------------------------------

Friday, February 10, 2006

The Fox

Alright...post after post.  Can you tell I have a slow day with much on my mind?

 

I've been thinking.  I think the problem is me.

 

I was really naive.  I believed in all of the romantic movies, songs, fairy tales and poems.  I believed in happily ever after and true love that conquered all. 

 

I went through man after man seeing that feeling.  You know, the fluttery, lightening bolt, perfect kiss kind of feeling?  I'd find it, absorb it all and when it faded or dulled I would break it off and move on to the next one.

 

When I met EH, it went beyond the crush-ey feelings.  It was deep.  Very deep.  I finally understood what it was to be in love.  I was so sure it would last a lifetime.  I was so sure he felt what I felt.  When he cheated, it killed every belief I had.  It broke me into a million pieces.  I still get teary-eyed if I think about it, right this minute included.

 

With PC, I feel it all again.  The deeper feeling of "fitting" just right.  That sense that we connect somehow.  But I'm also changed. 

 

I keep trying to believe.  I keep trying to trust.  But I never seem to last more than a day or two before I am sure that PC is about to break my heart and every nerve in my body and mind screams, "Run!!!" .  PC's done nothing to invoke this.  He's been honest and true to his word.  So, the problem is me.

 

What if I just can't ever believe again?  It's as if I get right to the edge of accepting it all and then stumble back into a dark hole of doubts each time.  It's like proving Santa Clause does not exist and then trying to believe in him again.

 

I have no faith.  I have no trust.  And I am beginning to believe I may never have it again.  How do you unring that bell?   How do you go back to being able to believe?  Can someone who has lost the ability to trust and believe ever get it back?

 

Am I just not capable of relationships anymore?

 

I feel like the Fox in The Little Prince.

Posted by Red :: 4:57 PM :: | --------------------------------------- I HATE premonitions

Damn I hate when my spider-senses get going and now they're going.

 

I called PC to see how his day was going.  I'm looking forward to seeing him and wanted to hear his voice.  He tells me that he talked to STBX wife and that I "was right". 

 

Apparently STBX wife doesn't want to be "STBX wife".  She wants to be just "wife".  She wants to give it another chance "for the kids sakes".  She wants my PC to be her PC even if she never thought of him as a Prince Charming until he was gone. 

 

Oy.  Oy.  Oy.  Fuck.  Fuckity-fuck-fuck.  Damn, damn, damn.  And I was having such a good day.  All dissolved now in a tight, hot little ball of tension between my shoulder blades while ninja butterflies practice combat maneuvers in my belly.  Yep.  I'm tense and unhappy about this.

 

PC swears he has no interest in reconciling with her, but still, I don't like feeling like I am in "competition" for someone.  I don't compete for men.  If there's even the remotest chance I'll be measured and weighed in a series of pros and cons against another woman for a man's affections, I would just bow out with a one-fingered salute.  Any man that has to consider me isn't worth my time.

 

So, where was I?  Oh...yes.  Tense.  Does it show?

 

Tense because I can do the math.  PC loves his kids and reconciling would mean he lives with his boys again.  Tense because maybe STBX isn't going to sign the divorce papers so quickly.  They have 2 kids and 10 years of history between them (granted, not very good history, but it seems to have had its moments).  Tense because STBX is trying to win back her man while I do ....what?

 

Nothing.  Because if PC wants to go back, he should go now.  Otherwise he has an obligation to both STBX and me to make it perfectly clear to her that he wants nothing beyond a friendship with her while he pursues a future with me.  Because either me or STBX is about to be hurt.  He can't spare it and he can't avoid it.  He can only choose to be with one of us and he needs to make sure the message is clear about his decision to all parties.  Otherwise, major setback in the progress we've made across the board.

 

Well, I was overdue for drama.  Serves me right for getting involved with a man who is not divorced yet (as if I am one to talk).  I just feel so annoyed because I am in desperate need of a much longer break from drama.

 

I don't know what's going to happen.  It's in fate's hands now.  If he decides to go back he can become the 2nd man to break my heart and I can deal with it if/when it happens.  It's not even remotely as monumental to be the 2nd heartbreaker.  To make a real dent, he needed to get to me sooner.

 

I would venture a guess that the biggest problem is me.  I'm a real "leave 'em before they leave you" girl and if I even suspect an ending is in the future, I'd rather walk away first then endure false hopes and disappointments.  So, putting the idea in my mind that STBX is trying to win back her man is probably not the best way to quell my ever-present nerves. 

 

I'm already as jumpy as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs when it comes to relationships after my failed marriage.  Do I really need this too?  Am I just not capable of being in a relationship anymore?  Maybe my heart and mind are so soured and jaded and untrusting that I've lost the ability.  I feel like a beaten dog that flinches everytime someone tries to pet it, because the second I let someone close and relax, I panic at the first sign of trouble.

 

Thanks EH, for that legacy.  You've left a permanent disfiguring scar that I might never be able to get past.  A sort of relationship "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder" that sends some nasty signal between heart and brain anytime I feel something resembling love and warns me that to love someone is to commit 12 years of your life to them, busting your ass to take care of them while they stumble along and then come home one day to another woman, a surprise pregnancy that ends in tragedy and the most brokenest heart a girl can have.

 

Gee, when I think of it that way, love don't seem all that grand after all, does it?  Why do we, as human beings, even bother? What godforsaken primal urge is inside us that pushes us to "need" love and companionship?

 

...and can it be permanently removed for a reasonable price???

Posted by Red :: 1:49 PM :: | --------------------------------------- The Weekend Cometh...

After another pleasant day at work I met up with PC at the homestead and was surprised when he offered to take SG and I out for a Mexican dinner.  I love Mexican food, so I was mucho pleased.

 

Tonight is SG's first dance at school.  A Valentine's Day dance.  I was given permission to leave early to glam up my little girl (or as much as possible without beating her into submission.  Honestly!   My 9 year old has no interest in fashion.)  EH and I will take her and try our best to be inconspicuous as we silently pray she spends the night dancing and laughing without the drama.  Do you remember dances at that age?  If you're a girl, did you ever go into the girl's bathroom and not see a gaggle of sobbing girls?  Oy...

 

It's date night and PC has most graciously agreed to a "late start" since I may not make it home until 9.  He's a saint, I tell you.  He has plans with his STBX wife and kids for pretty much the entire day tomorrow and cancelling date night is a cardinal sin...

 

His STBX wife is being awfully nice to him lately.  It makes me feel weird...

 

I should be home alone most all day Saturday which I'm hoping will force me to clean my poor, neglected house.

 

Sunday - who knows...?

 

The upcoming week should be...strange.  Our first Valentine's Day is Tuesday.  I have no idea what to expect from a man who keeps "forgetting" which day it's on and has already made it known that he 'doesn't believe in flowers'.  I'm the sort of girl who will feel insulted without some romantic gesture, so I'm admittedly anxious that my beloved PC will simply shrug it off.  (And, of course, have to be suitably punished with a pouting roommate).  PC has to spend the night at his STBX's house Wednesday night while she goes out of town on a cruise and while I understand...it's still weird.  He'll spend the night there again Saturday night (same cruise) and I'm sure I'll be a little tense.  Maybe PC will switch his "night" to Saturday and I can drown my sorrows by going out on the town.

 

Did I mention payday is 7 days away?  Damn, I'm ready to have a few dollars in my pocket.

 

So...daily PC-gossip?  Hmmm.  I'm still crazy about the guy.  He still rocks my world.  His personality captivates me to a point where I find myself wanting to enslave myself to him even as I give him a playful hard time.  I can't get past how right he feels to me physically.  Hugging him, kissing him, cuddling with him...it's like Goldilocks-syndrome, "This one is juuuuust right".

Posted by Red :: 10:36 AM :: | ---------------------------------------

Thursday, February 09, 2006

2 Minutes in Heaven

PC and I had our own individual things to do last night. He spent his regularly scheduled time with his boys and I accompanied EH on his postponed night with SG to shop for an oufit for her to wear to her first Valentine's Dance at school this Friday night. We arrived back home within minutes of one another and settled in to enjoy our usual TV and cuddling-fest.

Shortly after SG turned in, the amorous fun began. We've been lacking in skin time for days now and were long overdue. I would have given my left arm to have had it last long enough to relieve my frustrations but that wasn't the case. Men may get screwed, but I swear, ultimately it's the woman who gets screwed...

The whole thing feels so damned good and PC is talented beyond my wildest dreams...but just as I'm warming up, he's rolling over with a smile and I'm left in a terrible state of frustration that just continues to mount (pardon the pub) day after day. You know I'm a sex-addict from my rants over the years, but the whole process of building up just to be left in agony is...well, painful. I know females are complicated sorts, so no, I do not expect fireworks everytime. But there are times I feel like...well...a non-entity with no say-so in the matter.

Men have no problem achieving maximum satisfaction in a short period of time whereas the female anatomy requires build-up. Like bringing a pot of cold water to a boil. You have to achieve a slow simmer, building in intensity to a full boil and then you can make the teapot whistle, if you know what I mean.

Now, someone among you reading this is going to remember my almost daily complaints about EH and how he could go for hours without ever doing the teapot/whistling-thing himself and how it used to make me crazy (and not in the oh.my.god.thats.good way). I went berserk trying to figure out why I couldn't turn him on enough to push him over the edge. Those who remember are laughing at me right now. I can hardly blame you.

Now, if PC was simply average in his skills I wouldn't complain, but rather I'd be relieved it was over in a timely manner. But he's not. He's far from average. He has this uncanny ability to touch the EXACT spot at the EXACT time and move in the EXACT way that makes your mind go blank and your body start to sizzle. So, yes...I'm feeling deprived and frustrated and...well, I suppose insignifigant.

Well, you knew I had to have some complaint, right? Geez, I was well behaved for a day or two.

Posted by Red :: 2:10 PM :: | ---------------------------------------

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Him

He's tall, but not too tall. Just tall enough to be perfectly taller than me but not too tall that I can't wrap my arms around his neck and kiss him.

He's built nicely. Not too muscley, which turns me off, but definite "guy" shape. Not too thin, not heavy. Just perfectly.

He's close to me while still giving me tons of room to breathe. But not too distant either. He's just independent enough to make me miss him and long for him, but also just close enough to let me know I'm special to him.

I'm really enjoying PC.

PC and I have uncovered some things in the past week that explain his mannerisms a bit. He's "wired" not to have the same emotional depths that most people have and I have been working to understand and adapt to it. He treats me incredibly well, always kind, tender and loving but when we're apart I am not in his thoughts.

He loves me. This I know. This I believe. Sometimes he will ask me questions that show me he cares about how I feel or what I think. He demands that I assume "my spot" beside him in our bed, head on his right shoulder with his arm around me to watch tv and while I sometimes pretend it's inconvenient, there is no place I would rather be.

He plays with me. He kids and teases and occasionally we wrestle. He's strong enough to give me the illusion that he's really trying, but gentle enough to never hurt me. He lets me believe I'm tough enough to match him but I secretly know he's humoring me.

He makes me happy. He understands when I worry or fret or overanalyze things. If I annoy him, he doesn't let it show.

He's so right in so many ways...

Posted by Red :: 2:24 PM :: | ---------------------------------------

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Pleasantly Still

It's a refreshing change to realize I have no drama to write to you of. Yesterday was a smooth-as-silk sort of day. PC had his weekly conference calls and we curled up later to watch a few of our favorite TV shows together (24 & The Bachelor). I was prepared for hot nookie action, but the 3 hours of TV (even with the commercials skipped thanks to DVR) put me into a sound coma curled up with PC.

The vibe between us was perfect last night. Playful, easy, secure and relaxed. No drama. We teased, we wrestled, we chatted and we just enjoyed. It was wonderful.

SG had a short article published in her school's newspaper and EH and I are very proud. I am NOT, however, proud of my discovery that she has been cutting holes in her pants in class while bored. 5 pairs of ruined pants with the knees cut out or big holes in the thighs. Can you say "grounded"??? I've made her my little Cinderella and slapped on the extra chores for her to make up the costs. Great. I am penniless until payday (10 days!) and she's cutting up the few clothes she has.

She has her first dance at school on Friday. A Valentine's Day dance. EH and I have decided to take her together and then perhaps have dinner after. I'll have to push my date night with PC back to Saturday. I hate doing that, I know it sounds strange (but, hey - I am the Odd Wife) but I don't want to miss seeing her first dance and it is EH's night to take her and we are committed to parenting as a team. As weird as it may seem, it's a good thing for SG. And I think PC understands. I hope he does. After all, I'm going to be expected to understand that entire weekend this month he's staying at his STBX's house to take care of the kids while she goes on a cruise - meaning no contact with him for the entire weekend.

The job continues to be fabulous. I can't help but stop and think - this is my job???

Posted by Red :: 7:50 AM :: | ---------------------------------------

Monday, February 06, 2006

Evening the Seas

The weekend was largely lazy and uneventful. PC has his boys both days and that leaves me on my own. SG spent Saturday with EH, leaving me home alone to do housework (yuck) and Sunday found SG and I just puttering about the house. I have to admit it was a bit depressing. I'm seriously broke waiting for that first paycheck while PC is managing better. So while PC and his boys are at museums and parks, SG and I are home because I'm empty-pocketed and trying to save my gas. I swore to SG that once I started getting paid we will do fun things together on the weekends. Poor kid.

Beyond that, it was quiet. PC and I played cards and watched tv Satuday and then watched SuperBowl on Sunday. Nothing exciting. But still nice.

I still wrestle from time to time with accepting this relationship for what it is. Trust issues from my past, adjusting to the newness of someone...it's not easy. There are times PC tells me he loves me that I find myself just staring at him, trying to gauge his eyes, his smile - all of it to be sure it's real. But I can't deny that physically PC feels right to me. His entire body, his hands - everything just feels so right to me. He has this ability to walk up behind me and begin to rub a spot on my back - never the same spot twice - and always hit exactly the sore spot or tight muscle. He's never wrong. He knows exactly how and where to touch me. I sometimes worry so much, but then there are moments when I am cuddled up to him in "my spot" that I just know I have to be right where I am.

Time will soothe over the old hurts, I imagine. I know that my problems all stem from hurts that were done with EH. I believed in my marriage to EH. He was the first person I ever wanted to be with forever faithfully and I believed in us. I just never could get past his betrayal no matter how hard I tried or how much time passed. And whenever I got closer to it, the past would rear it's ugly head in nasty comments, emails, threats, etc. Even as EH and I were separating I was still being contacted by her. I suppose she actually won in the end. She may have set out to play with my husband but once I ended that she seemed far more determined to destroy me and ultimately, she got her way. Fate just decided to drop me into an entirely new life before I could even dwell on the situation.

As much as I have been hurt, I imagine that I also learned a lot. My relationship with PC is less tightly wound around each other and more solidly based on us being individuals who share a life. Different, but still good. I still mourn for the broken family, but I also feel blessed to have a bright future with a man who (while different) still reaches places in my heart that I thought were long since closed off. A man who makes me believe the future can be wonderful, even if it's not exactly what I planned.

I never really dreamed of anything big. Just a decent house, a close family and happiness. I'll admit that with PC those dreams need to be a bit bigger. The dreams I didn't dare dream are suddenly more in keeping with our reality.

Right now, the things I want are still fairly simple:

1) I want to close on the condo and decorate/furnish it the way we both like
2) I want to get to a place where PC can have his boys over for the weekend so our children can play together and we're not separated on his days/nights with them.
3) I want to build new memories, a new life together
4) I want to be happy

I've also decided that I have a new interest. Cooking. I'm fascinated with the cooking shows on tv and want to start mastering the complex recipes. I'm starting to fantasize about those stand-up mixers and giant food processors. Hmm.

The new job continues to be fabulous. I swear that I still can't believe I earn a great salary for this job. It's amazing.

Pay Day for me is 2/17 and not soon enough. I've been pathetically sponging off of poor PC like there's no tomorrow. I swear I'll make it all up to him. But I also can't wait to pay my poor, delinquent car and have a few dollars to do something with my daughter for a change...

Posted by Red :: 3:07 PM :: | ---------------------------------------

Saturday, February 04, 2006

Date Night

Every Friday night, PC and I rotate turns at Date Night. Last night was my turn and - I sucked at it...

My first paycheck isn't due until 2/17 and in the meantime and I broke. Not just "low on money" broke but sadly devoid of even spare change broke. So, my brilliant plan was to pick up McDonalds or something for a picnic on the beach. And of course, it was looking like rain. PC was leaning towards sushi and I graciously (humbly? gratefully?) went along. I'll owe him.

We talked a lot and it felt good. We haven't been talking as much in recent weeks due to schedules, etc. We laughed, we teased, we talked seriously and it was all good.

Later, after round 2 of the sexual Olympics, we listened to cheesy (and I do mean cheesy) music online and fell asleep to a Tivo'd Buffy episode.

Not quite perfect, but wonderful all the same.

Today is a grey day. Rainy and dark and wet. PC has his boys all day. EH has SG. I'm all alone in the house with a headache and cramps and no desire to clean...even if that's exactly what I need to be doing.

Posted by Red :: 2:42 PM :: | ---------------------------------------

Friday, February 03, 2006

So.....yeah. Hm. The Beginning of a Beautiful Life or the Beginning of the End?

Well...

An issue has arisen between PC and I that is, frankly, quite out of the ordinary. We have agreed to keep it strictly between the two of us, not even a blog topic (my idea) and I intend to honor that promise. No, he did nothing wrong. No, I did nothing wrong. The most basic "non-answer" I can give you is that we found a new understanding of one another.

We met for lunch today and discussed it and made some promises/decisions/commitments to each other. Ironically, this should have been the end of us but it may serve to actually strengthen us. We balance one another out in ways that will become vital.

I know you're scratching your head, and I'm sorry for that. I don't mean to be mysterious. I wouldn't have posted at all, except that it's been fairly monumental and I wanted to "chronicle" myself a little note on it for future reference.

I thought long and hard. I tossed and turned trying to decide if I could cope or if ending this relationship was the only smart move. But I love PC. I do. And PC loves me. And I think we've come far enough that it's worth a serious try with nothing but hope.

We're going to have challenges. A lifetime of them, best case scenario. But our strengths and weaknesses almost seem ideally suited to adapt to it all.

I'm staying. He's staying. We're going to make a go of it and see if we can be the rare couple that makes it work.

Could you just wish us luck even if you have no idea what I'm talking about?

Posted by Red :: 2:31 PM :: | ---------------------------------------

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Do I know you?

PC and I barely pass in the hallways these days with our busy week. I introduced myself to him as I crawled into bed just to be sure he'd remember my name. His new job has had conference calls that keep him in our home office until late. Dinner time has become a circus of trying to keep food "alive" for the hour-hour and a half he's tied up and feeding SG randomly to prevent starvation. Between meetings, calls, new jobs and the like we've not had any time for each other. We still manage kisses and hugs when we can, but time is tight. Last night he walked in the door at 7:55 pm after seeing his kids and a meeting with former pscyhoboss and had enough time to kiss me as he raced to the home office for his 8 pm conference call. From there it was 9:30 before we even got to say "Hi! How was your day?"

Last night officially made 3 nights without skin time. He made a few half-hearted moves but my heart just wasn't in it. After 2-3 days I'm too busy feeling neglected to fall for anything less than a full-on seduction! Intimacy for the sake of a quota isn't going to impress me and that's what it felt like was coming...pass! Bring me something with a little heart behind it after days of neglect!

Tonight's not looking much better. Another conference call. The first week for him is jam-packed with them to keep the team motivated.

With his kids this weekend and Superbowl, the only chance we have to squeeze in any quality time is Friday night (Date Night). It's my turn to create the date. I wish money would hurry up and arrive - I'm growing bored of our "poor man's candlelight dinner in the dining room" and I'm dreaming of planning movies, dinner, walks on the beach and the like. I'm trying to dream up something - anything - different for tomorrow that combines dinner, free and involved not being in the house.

I just hope I can remember his name by then...

Posted by Red :: 10:38 AM :: | ---------------------------------------

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Things that make you go huh?

PC and I discussed the situation I griped about last blog post and have basically put it to bed.

There was another evening conference call for PC and dinner sat warming in the oven for about an hour before he was out. We ate my more-than-mediocre salmon (yuck) and retired to watch tv. PC yawned a few times and went to sleep.

Two nights in a row. Hmmm. That's a new one. And his schedule is beyond packed tonight, so no sense in imagining together time tonight. That'll be three. Hmmm. Huh.

I dreamt vividly again last night. There were cats and empty cans of soup. A car. An unfamiliar guy that I seemed to know that I pulled aside and kissed and told him I had been wanting to do that for some time. No idea what the meanings are, but cats seem to unanimously mean I am being deceived. Huh.

Am I missing something here? I hope not... I'm usually a firm believer in signs, but these are not good signs.

I'm going to chalk it up to adjusting to more changes and assume all is fine. But it might not be a bad idea to at least be aware.

Posted by Red :: 9:02 AM :: | ---------------------------------------