Thursday, December 29, 2005

Hmmm

Do you ever wonder if you're being taken for a fool?

Posted by Red :: 9:10 PM :: | --------------------------------------- Just Venting

I'm aggravated. Through and through. And I'm not alone.

For lack of anything better to do, I decided to bitch here. You're probably better off just skipping this post, but at least I can have my temper tantrum here and be done with it. You don't have to listen, this one's just for me.

First, I have nothing to do at work. Well, I take that back, I had 2 files to post-close or "tidy-up" which were a mess and done as a favor and I have PC's deal to get closed.

Now, when you work to get a file closed, you work with an underwriter who clears all of your conditions. My underwriter is on the other side of the country, 3 hours behind me. Approvals I should have had, never came and today being crunch time left me scrambling and battling to get her to cooperate with me. In the middle of that, PC takes the file from me to the company owner to let her fight it because I couldn't get anyone on the phone before 11:30 am my time. No one had come in before 8:30 their time.

Thanks. Guess that frees up MY day. Meanwhile, I feel horrible. PC clearly has no faith in me getting this done and even worse, the last task I had was taken away. After about 45 minutes I managed to get this u/w on the phone and get things moving again without the owner's help and PC had to go get the file and bring it back to me.

Nonetheless, it stung. I understand how important this deal is to him. I understand completely. It's important to me too. But the complete lack of confidence in me has me wondering just how it is that he sees me. And now both of us are strained together. Sick, stressed, irritated.

Perfect.

On top of all of this, I feel like crap. PC's cold was apparently the rare "contagious" kind which means I have a pounding headache, an annoying cough, stuffy nose and a bitchy attitude.

Yes, I know I'm bitchy. I'm not even mad, just really stung by the whole day.

And, unfortunately, PC's normal response to bitchiness is to just pull away. So, he's pulling, he's sick and he's under pressure too.

I wonder if we'll still be in love by 5 pm at this rate. What a rotten day all around. You can't imagine how badly I just want to get in my car and start driving in a random direction for the next 27 hours to figure this life out. If I hit the semi-cool waters of the Atlantic in the first 30 minutes, is that a sign to keep driving in?

I hope your day is better than mine.

Posted by Red :: 1:23 PM :: | --------------------------------------- Hindsight is what?

Just when you think you find yourself, you begin to realize you're still as lost as ever. Am I just not meant to fit into this life?

There are a jumble of things clouding my thoughts...

EH. I'm over him. That's good. I still do and always will care about him, but I am over him. That bothers me a bit. What happened to that true love I believed in? Shouldn't it have taken longer? Was I ever really in love? I was so sure that I was. Am I capable of love? Being around EH is hard. We went to see a movie together with SG last night because she wanted so badly to see Memoirs of a Geisha and we had planned it for eons. Being beside someone I once felt so loved by and loved and now standing as a stranger feels so awkward and stiff.

My mother. She called on Christmas finally. Around 4 pm. After not returning 3-4 messages I had left during the 2 weeks prior. I was partly relieved and partly disappointed. Disappointed because if she had not called I could have realized we were never going to have a relationship and perhaps tried to move on.

My job. My boss tried to save her own skin by implicating EH in a felony fraud charge. EH was not responsible. The guilty party is a sales mgr that she would not want to lose. I stood up for EH yesterday and now she seems to want to pin it on me. Friday will be my last day. I won't work for someone who is not only that dishonest and unscrupulous.

Money. Got none. None coming. Scary stuff.

PC. He still has his walls with me. Sometimes they're lowered. Other times I can feel them between us as solid as brick. It makes me wonder what he keeps from me. He has a habit of hiding himself. His first wife was oblivious to his life - there were so many secrets. I can't live that way. I know it will take infinite patience and love to let him finally relax with me and I want a life with him, but it's really hard to tiptoe around someone when you are dealing with so much of your own pain. When I feel the wall go up, I feel shut out and hurt. I could just put up my own walls, but that would be mimicking PC's first unhappy marriage. PC's sick right now and I'm fighting off the same cold, so we're both just...down, I guess.

PMS. Will it ever end??? Did stress cause me to skip a period?

Me. I'm unhappy. And once again feeling a bit alone. I'm worried and upset over my career, dealing with all the changes in my life and worrying incessantly over everything. At the same time, I feel like I have to try to behave like nothing is wrong...no one would understand.

I'm overdue for a nervous breakdown, don't you think?

I have this overwhelming desire to find myself sitting on the beach at night, just thinking. Just being alone.

I know I'm in a state of depression. I can feel it. But hey - I've earned it! The one thing I don't feel is weak. I feel a small amount of strength inside of me. I know I need to find a way.


Now I just have to figure out how to get out of it. Now I just have to figure out what I want in my life.

...and what I don't.

Posted by Red :: 8:51 AM :: | ---------------------------------------

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

This Winding Road

Life continues to twist and turn.

In a meeting last night, I was told my pay structure was changing fairly dramatically to a commission only salary which will essentially mean I don't get paid for a month. During a time when money is already strained past a point of coping, this is devastating.

Shortly after, even more drama. I learned that my boss intended to make EH a scapegoat for a recent fraudulent transaction that EH had nothing to do with. My boss is aware that EH is innocent, but in an attempt to save her own hide, she chose to make EH the guilty party. This is the type of thing that a person could be charged with a felony over. I am awaiting the first opportunity to confront my boss and let her know that I will not stand for it. I expect it to cost me my job today, but it's the right thing to do. Ironically, it was PC who made me aware of it. PC didn't want EH to take the fall either. I'm anxiously waiting this conversation...

PC has a terrible cold and I'm battling a sore throat. All in all, we're coping.

I felt much closer to PC last night. Like the walls were down. I still worry (of course) but for the moment I am okay.

I'm worried about money. Anyone who thinks I chose PC for money has another think coming. At the moment, we are both struggling but I expect it to work out.

The weather here is typical for Florida. Mornings are cold enough to require a heater and afternoons are warm enough to need air conditioning. I wish I lived somewhere where the seasons changed instead of the teasing glimpses of "winter" we get. I wish I could see snow.

Last night's meeting at work began with BestFriendM's arrival and her snippy greeting "I'm not dating your husband". I told her I thought they'd make a great couple and she replied "I don't" and I shrugged and said "I was actually ok with that". Later I gave EH an earful for telling her I had jokingly suggested it to him. I guess I forget that EH is NOT someone I can talk to. I intend to work harder at keeping lines between us that prevent me from sharing too much.

Never a calm moment...

Except for the nights. I love curling up to PC and putting my head on his chest while we watch TV in bed. I love feeling him stroke my back or my hair in the gentle way that he does.

I'll let you know my employment status later!

Posted by Red :: 12:34 PM :: | ---------------------------------------

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Delusions of Grandeur?

Christmas turned out to be better than expected. My family joined us for Christmas dinner and we played Monopoly late into the night. My family has really taken to PC, which is nice.

My mother dropped by at 9 pm last night and visited for about 45 minutes. It was awkward and the conversation was about as easy as brain surgery. But at least she stopped by...

EH inadvertantly dropped a bombshell on me by commenting on his plans to celebrate Christmas with BestFriendM after the New Year. BestFriendM, the traitor, has a gift for SG so the merry event that is an annual tradition will only be minus my presence. All the hurt and abandoned feelings I had are gone and replaced by pure disgust for this "so-called friend" who knows nothing about friendship. We were best friends for nearly 8 years and the idea that she has dumped me and become so close to EH still stings. I would have stood by her through anything and the idea that she abandoned me because she didn't agree with my choice makes me realize how shallow our friendship must have been. Even PC is surprised by her reaction.

PC and I lapsed into some premature plans last night that got my head spinning a bit. Our relationship has transitioned easily, if quickly, into the comfortable togetherness that couples usually take years to warm to. But somewhere in my subconscious is this little alarm bell. I have no idea what it's ringing about, but it's there. And it worries me. Is there something missing that I haven't caught onto yet? Trust issues? Financial worries? Moving too fast? I have no idea.

I'm in love with PC. Occasionally, it occurs to me that perhaps PC is not in love with me, so much as he is in love with the idea of being in love with me. Like some inner voice in him is running a list:

- Frequent sex? Check!
- Good communication? Check!
- Willing to contribute to household? Check!

Ok! Basics are in place...let's have a relationship.

Or...maybe my PMS is just making my brain screwy. I swear, I am on week 2 of PMS without the period and it's making me insane.

I haven't "cooled" towards PC. I am still enjoying him thoroughly. I even enjoy when he annoys me. Yesterday he was making me insane with to-do lists and I just wanted to relax, and I loved it even as I plotted his death. I feel tired, stressed or worried and he smiles at me in this certain way and I forget everything but how much I love him.

But what if I really am just some "check" on a list. What if he really is incapable of truly loving someone?

What if PMS lasts forever?

I honestly think it boils down to my feeling of security. PC and I have moved very fast in a short period of time and while I feel sure of my own feelings, I am still accepting his feelings. I need to be able to trust that he loves me and is prepared for the future we are planning together and on some levels I am still not there. PC has stayed in an unhappy marriage and hid his feelings in the past and that leaves me very worried that I could be fooled as well. Sometimes I believe it without pause, but there are moments I feel like he could just as easily walk away.

And if that's true, how can I plan for a future?

I can't be hurt again. With all I have been through and all I have given up to be here, it would be devastating. I don't know that I would recover.

It boils down to security. How do you convince yourself that someone's feelings are true?

Posted by Red :: 9:02 AM :: | ---------------------------------------

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Two for Tea?

So, the email to Ex didn't go over well. I'm not really that jazzed to have any communication with her at all, but she apparently doesn't want an email. She wants me to come to her house and face her eye to eye. Of course I am phrasing that much nicer...to truly communicate her invitation I'd have to use some pretty ugly words in between every other noun.

I'm not thinking that's such a good idea. One, her past voicemails and emails smack of nothing more than name-calling and threats. So, how would she control herself in person? I'm not afraid of her, but I see only bad things in her losing control in my face.

So, I'm declining the invite.

I spoke to my new step-mother last night about the situation and she had some good insight. Additionally, she pep talked me by saying that while it was nice for me to be apologetic, it would be stupid for me to be a doormat and I had to put my foot down on the harassment and name calling.

Ultimately, I am just going to leave her alone. PC will have to deal with her.

Speaking of PC...wow!

I'm not a morning person, but he wakes me with such a smile! This morning, the alarm sounded and he grabbed me and pulled me close with a sleepy "C'mere!" and just cuddled against me. Every morning I notice his pillows have migrated to my side of the bed because he moves closer and closer to me in the night.

I told PC I wished I could give him a gift this year for Christmas. He said that I gave him 'me' and he was giving me 'him'. Appropriate, really.

I may have to insist on a bow though...

Finally, my Christmas has changed up a bit. Santa is going to treat me to a holiday after all. Christmas Eve will find PC and I at a huge party by my new step-mom's family (about 100 people) and Christmas Day has now ended up in PC and I hosting Christmas Dinner for my dad, step-mom, sister and her boyfriend and possibly 2 of PC's old friends. I'm so excited! I've never done Christmas dinner before and the idea makes me all tingly inside! Granted we have only a card table at the moment for a dining room table, but I think we can make it work with some ingenuity...

I guess the spirit is catching up to me more than I thought it could. And while I still wish I could buy gifts for my family, I am so lucky to have them around me that day.

And I got the best gift of all in PC...

My mother is absent again. I'm really sad over it this time. The estate was settled from her father's death and her evil sister finally settled up with the money she stole from my mother. Now, my mom had always said that when this happened she was going to share it with me because my grandfather's initial wishes had been to have me inherit as well. He considered me the 4th daughter. Well, I learned that mom got $17,000 a few weeks ago from this. And she's keeping it secret. More than that, she is avoiding me. I haven't mentioned knowing and truthfully I haven't expected it, but it hurts that she chose to deal with it by hiding and avoiding me. I admit that I hoped because having just lost everything I owned in the Hurricane it would have helped tremendously...but...

More than that, mom isn't planning to see me or SG for Christmas (even though she lives 3 minutes away). No, she's not traveling. She just isn't interested, I guess. I called her and she's avoiding my calls.

I try and try to cut myself off from her and then some glimmer of hope rises and I end up trying to have a relationship with her again. I get burned every time. Stupid...

EH and I are cool, but civil. There are no more "hugs" when we greet or part. He's withdrawn from me, and I can understand it. EH has his secrets too. He just doesn't know that I know about them. Interesting stuff. I'd venture to say there's been a tad of hypocrisy on his side too...but, neither here nor there.

All I want is PC and I've been promised that this is exactly what I'll get!

Posted by Red :: 8:43 AM :: | ---------------------------------------

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

This Funny World

Things are heating up between PC and his soon-to-be-ex who I suppose needs a monicker. I'll call her Ex.

She and PC are largely communicating via emails and her emails yesterday had a layer of hate, mainly directed at me.

Ironic, isn't it?

She's initiating background checks on me. She's talking about a group of women who are determined to let everyone know what I am. And so on.

PC and I had our first disagreement last night. The background story is that this past weekend was the annual Holiday Boat parade - an event I have attended since I was a child. EH was taking SG (with my former BestFriend) and my family was busy and I really wanted to do just one thing for the holidays. PC agreed to go with me. About an hour before we left to go, Ex called him and suggested he come get their 2 boys to take them to see a movie. PC asked if he could call her back (so he could discuss it with me) and she responded with "That's right, go break your date" and hung up. Moments later she called back and said "Forget it". PC saw this as her way of playing games.

Yesterday I saw an email between she and PC where she ranted about him not taking them and he replied that he had every intention of taking them until she got nasty.

I know I'm wrong here, but this hurt my feelings. I've never come between him and time with his boys (and never would) but he made it clear to me that this was a deliberate game for her to screw up any plans we might have (apparently she did this with her 1st husband often) and I was upset that he would have actually ditched me last minute to go along with her whim. I made a smart-ass comment "I hope she doesn't do something like that on our wedding day, that would really suck for me" and promptly pissed him off.

He grew cold and stiff. I asked what he was upset about and he told me that he didn't think that my comment was necessary.

First, I respect him infinitely more for his response. We discussed it and our feelings and in no time at all we both felt much better.

But Ex doesn't feel better. Ex is angry and wants to direct it all at me. She and PC are in an email war and her main topic is me.

I feel awful for so many reasons.

I feel awful for how hurt and angry she is. I feel awful for PC having to go through this. I feel awful that Ex is rallying friends and neighbors to rise against me when I know she has every right to feel this way. I feel awful for the hurt feelings on all sides and I don't know how to resolve it.

I am not proud of how PC came to be in my life. We were both wrong. On his side, he already felt his marriage was over. On my side, I was just coming to that conclusion. I am so sorry for the terrible things that were done to the people we both care about. But I can't be sorry that PC and I are together. Bloggies, I love him. And the best part is that he loves me too.

I am not sure how to proceed. How do I hang on to someone I feel so sure I want to spend my life with and not hurt people in the process? How do I make ammends? How do I make it "okay" for all involved?

Ex wants to speak to me. PC gave his okay. I suggested strictly by email since her voicemails are basically 45 seconds of name-calling and I didn't feel we could have a true conversation just yet. I emailed her to give her my email address and basically just apologized to her.

Here is my email to her:

Ex,

I understand that you would like to speak with me. This is the way you can contact me. At least for the time being, I believe email is the best manner of communication as opposed to a phone conversation that strictly consists of you calling me names and prevents us from actually having a conversation. I have not returned your previous voicemails for several reasons. One, you didn't actually ask me to and I assumed you had said what you wanted me to hear and two, I didn't want to do anything to further upset or anger you and cause additional problems.

I don't expect you to be civil to me. I've actually been in your shoes and I wasn't civil. EH had an affair in 2004. I was angry and furious and full of hate for a very long time. We were never the same after. I realize that does little to make you feel better, but I do understand how you must be feeling and I am truly sorry for everything you are going through. Again, I know that means very little and doesn't do anything to help you but it needed to be said either way.

I'll check this email as often as possible for any emails you wish to send me and will do my best to respond as quickly as possible.

OW

Is there some proper path to making it all right? Is there some magic thing I can say or some punishment I can endure to ease everyone's suffering? EH has been phenomenal through this, but even he and I are only on civil terms with no warmth between us.

It hurts. It hurts everyone. I'm so sorry for it all.

Posted by Red :: 8:57 AM :: | ---------------------------------------

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Whispering in the Dark

PC and I do a lot of whispering in the dark.

I know that a large part of PC's love for me has to do with him feeling he can talk to me openly and honestly where he has never before shared his thoughts with another person. He admits that communication failure was a large part of the failure of his marriage, his wife was equally non-communicative.

We talk about many things. Religion. Our lives. Our families. Our fears. Our hopes.

We spoke of his family. He has nearly as many family issues as I have. We've both been affected. We spoke of his grandmother who strikes me as an incredible woman. We spoke of his childhood.

We spoke of our past lovers. Always dangerous territory. We counted. I blushed when I admitted to 15 lovers and then I nearly had to scoop my jaw off the ground when he added up to about 120. Yes, 120. PC's college days were...active. I wasn't sure how I felt about that and he could see that it bothered me. He told me that I should look at it as 120 that didn't live up to me and to note that he still makes love to me an average of 2-3 times per day, at the very least 1 time.

We spoke of religion and our feelings on organized religion. We spoke of my paganism and how he felt about that (he's fine with it). We spoke of our faiths.

We spoke of our hopes. What we want in a life together.

We spoke of our children. I worry incessantly about his stepdaughter. She and SG are friends and we've kept them apart since this situation came to be. I worry about how a 10 year old who suffers from severe bi-polar disorder as well as 4 of the 5 major learning disabilities will cope when she comes to understand that her stepdad is now her friend's stepdad someday. I worry about his boys. I adore his boys and long for a time we can spend time together as a family.

We spoke of SG. I worry there too. She adores him and he adores her but I have to eventually meld them both into a family. There's time, but I still worry.

We spoke of our hopes for future holidays. Birthdays and holidays are inconsequential to him and I thrive on them. I made him promise that he'll celebrate with me and let them matter to me. This Christmas is only survivable knowing that future holidays will be far brighter.

So many worries, hopes, fears and tasks ahead. But I still believe in it all.

Posted by Red :: 11:37 AM :: | ---------------------------------------

Monday, December 19, 2005

Tiptoeing Towards Content

As if to confirm that yesterday was a bad case of PMS, I feel infinitely better today.

PC came home last night and I admitted to feeling down and talked to him about why. He held me close and told me he understood and that he would be there for me. He told me we'd make new & better friends. He told me he was sorry I was hurting.

He made me feel better.

Today finds me bustling about, busy at work and feeling up!

PC brings out good things in me. He pushes me to get things done when I'd rather ignore them and wish they'd go away. He keeps me focused (or tries to) and he makes me feel like a better life really is just a few steps away. He inspires me.

He loves me.

EH and I are bickering. Not majorly, but in a way that lets me know we're not going to be friends in the real sense of the word. That makes me sad, but I understand. I plan to start the paperwork for divorce after the 1st of the year to get the whole thing over and done with.

The funny thing is, in retrospect - I am so glad I made this decision. Forget PC - I am seeing all the problems in my marriage with crystal clarity and it surprises me how blind I was to EH's ways. I see him with different eyes now and I'm sad to admit that I can't see how we lasted as long as we did. I know that I did truly love him, but I was blind to how he took advantage of me and left all the "work" to me. I should have left him when he stopped trying to earn a decent living. I should have left him when he cheated. Hindsight...

Now I just want to move forward...

The Christmas spirit is eluding me this year. I'm without money to buy gifts for anyone and have only managed to get a few very small and inexpensive items for SG. I won't be able to get PC anything at all or my family. I'm sad because SG is so young and will wonder why Santa bypassed her this year. She's been such a trooper...

Next Christmas will be beautiful...I'm sure of it.

Posted by Red :: 3:48 PM :: | ---------------------------------------

Sunday, December 18, 2005

Friendless in Florida

I'm missing my friends.

The funny thing about divorcing is how your friends suddenly disappear. In my marriage to EH, our friends were entirely comprised of my friends that became "our" friends. In the wake of the disaster of our demise, all friends have become solely EH's friends - including my best friend.

I can understand them not understanding or supporting my choice. Oddly, the majority of them had commented over the years how they felt I was "carrying" EH (a direct quote and several had suggested that they felt I was being taken advantage of. All those who felt I could be better off without EH suddenly see me as the "bad wife" who lef ther husband.

And still, I can understand. It hurts, but I understand.

Most hurtful to me is the loss of my best friend. We were living with her when our house fell down in Hurricane Wilma for 2 weeks. We moved out on a Friday, EH and I had our marriage ending discussion the following Monday and in the week that followed I went into "quiet mode" dealing with EH, PC and myself trying to find an answer. The following Monday, EH met secretly with BestFriendM - a meeting they both kept from me. He refused to discuss who he was meeting and she and her husband outright lied to me about the meeting. I got angry. I didn't confront her, I just didn't call her and she equally avoided me. A few days later, she met with PC and suggested I was motivated by money (Ha!) to be with PC. And, in the days since she has been absent in my life.

All the Christmas traditions we shared with BestFriendM over the last 8 years have become obsolete, but it still surprised me when she and EH went to a holiday event we had always gone to as a group together. Alone (with the kids). No husband. Just them. I'm not jealous, mind you. I personally would prefer that they somehow DID get together because, friends or not, I think they'd be great together and I would love her as SG's stepmom since she is already a 2nd mom to her. She's fair and fun and while we have fallen out, I would still trust her with the important role in SG's life. So, rule out jealousy and color me just sad...

It hurts to be so alone this time of year. SG is overcompensating for EH's changed role in her life by fixating on him. Our friends are now solely EH's friends. And I find that PC is all I have in my life.

PC remains amazing. But the role of my lone person is too big to give to any one person and I miss my friends.

On a happier note - PC still rocks my world. He's a rock of support and comfort and fun. He is everything and more I could dream up in a man. Saturday night treated me to an evening of being blindfolded, fed sweet treats from chocolate to ice to maple syrup ala 9 1/2 weeks and teased and tormented for hours until I had to surrender and plead exhaustion. I can't help but think of all he is to me...and all he means to me.

And how much it would hurt to not have him in my life. I am in love with him. But I desperately need the outlet of friends to keep from leaning on him so much...not that he minds, but *I* mind.

I hate feeling needy.

Then again, maybe it's just PMS...?

Posted by Red :: 10:30 PM :: | ---------------------------------------

Friday, December 16, 2005

Sleepless

If there's one thing I can do lately, and do well, it's sleep.

At night, when I finally nod off snuggled close to PC I am unwakeable - and indeed, PC admits to trying some fairly bold moves to stir me from slumber, but I am reportedly unresponsive.

Last night I dozed off earlier than usual, again snuggled close to PC watching TV in bed. At 2:30 am I awoke to find him still watching TV - only in addition to this, all of my laundry was folded on my dresser and hung up and put away, the kitchen had been cleaned and it was apparent he'd been cleaning while I slept.

I'm torn between worshipping this god who would clean while I sleep and feeling horribly guilty. I threatened to go detail his car when he fell asleep and as usual he just laughed at me.

I used to resent feeling largely responsible for the household chores. EH would do them, but not with any sense of urgency and truth-be-told I would feel overwhelmed and eventually the house would be a disaster area that would only be resolved (somewhat) when I woke up on a weekend in a do-or-die frame of mind and tortured EH and SG like slaves to move. I am so appreciative over the fact that I now have a man who works with me on this...although, admittedly I am slacking on my side largely due to back pain issues over the past 3 weeks that are only now slowly subsiding.

Just one more small thing that makes me happy...

I'm sure that the adjustment is large for PC too. His wife didn't work and the household was her sole responsibility. PC no longer has "maid service" since I work full-time and his attitude about it has been wonderful. Not a hesitation, not a complaint...

PC continues to fascinate me. His thought processes and his ways are so intriguing to me. He is such a different creature than I have known. I admitted last night that I am enrapt by his expressions when he speaks. PC has two sides that I am familiar with - a playful side that is punctuated with smiles and laughs and devilish grins and a very serious side. When he speaks to me from the serious side I am completely swept up in watching his face and I find myself paying such close attention to every word. PC spent so many years keeping himself under fairly tight control. Never showing emotion or sharing thoughts with anyone. Feeling he has to always be in control. He has opened up so much to me and shared so many things that our emotional intimacy level is strong. Sexually, he still wrestles with the control issues but that is yet another area we are having some fun exploring with this open line of communication.

SG is spending the night with EH tonight and tomorrow night leaving PC and I mostly alone together. I think one can guess how we'll be spending it...

Posted by Red :: 10:06 AM :: | ---------------------------------------

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Random Clarity

I feel slightly better, even though the same worries are on my mind. I'm going to purge here and move forward...

I'm tired of being stressed, depressed and worried. I feel like I am always fretting over something and smiling is getting harder and harder to do naturally.

I'm stressed and depressed over the holidays. I'm not sure what the plan is yet, but I suspect that between EH taking SG and PC seeing his boys, I could easily spend Christmas alone. Now, I keep telling myself it will be fine, but I have to admit that it's a culture shock to me. I've had 32 years of chaotic holidays where I have to travel to 8 different family homes to unwrap gifts because of all the separated family members and usually I am overwhelmed. This year I asked that no one buy for me since I can't afford to buy for them and PC and I have agreed not to exchange gifts this year so I am imagining an empty tree, an empty house and a very lonely day. I'm thinking seriously about looking into some sort of volunteer thing to distract myself and stop me from going into "woe-is-me" mode.

I'm worried over money, but what else is new???

I'm stressed over work. More on that later...much later...

I'm feeling burdensome to PC, although he swears I'm not. His soon-to-be-ex-wife and he are struggling with the issues over their 2 children and I'm always somehow in the way.

Which is a great segue for a karma tale. Karma has come to me in spades. Long-time readers will recall what I went through when I caught EH in his affair and how his other woman enjoyed provoking and antagonizing me. There was much pain, anger and confusion to ensue. Well, karma treated me to a special view of this when PC let it be known to his wife that he was in a relationship with me. I received a series of very nasty voicemails from her that ranged from name-calling to threats to ugly insinuations. In my mind was remembering how I felt when I learned EH had betrayed me with another woman and do you know what my response was?

Nothing.

Not a word, not a response, nothing. First, in respect for PC I am not about to engage his wife in any sort of confrontation. Second, I feel genuinely sorry for her. She spent 9 years in a marriage that made them both unhappy. No communication, no affection, no trust, no shared life and she somehow still thought that they should stay married - although it didn't seem to be out of "love". More out of duty. I can understand how easy it is for her to blame me, but the truth is that it was widely known that PC's master plan was to stay until his children were 18 and then leave. I didn't break up their marriage. He was already gone. But rather than argue it, I intend to remain respectful. Should she ever manage to get me on the phone or face to face I intend to remain compassionate and stick with an "I understand" response. I have no intention or desire to cause her any further pain or anger. The issues between them are between her and PC alone.

So...PC. PC seems to sense I'm dealing with something mentally and has been loving and attentive. He really is a miracle to me. I find myself playing it "down" in some respect because I can't see myself shouting from the rooftops about my love while dealing with divorce and the hurt I've caused but I confess that the desire is there. I'm in love. Totally and completely. I know we have a long road ahead of us before we can resign ourselves to normalcy, but I'm going to make that path.

Because the paradise that lies at the end of it is more than I could have ever imagined.

Posted by Red :: 10:31 AM :: | ---------------------------------------

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Behold, My Power!

I have a special talent that I bet you didn't know about...

I take men, wonderful men, and turn them into stressed out creatures who lose their way in life. It's a gift. The beauty of it is that when I give up on them and leave, they prosper.

Yep. I'm a magical girl indeed.

PC is thoroughly stressed about his career. He's not satisfied with the way things have been going professionally and frets about it and money day and night. It's nice to have someone else worrying about things like that for a change, but nonetheless, it also makes me wonder if I don't have some vampiric charm that sucks the life right out of a man.

What guy wouldn't want to be with me? Got stability? Got a plan? I can make them both disappear with three simple words: I love you.

I guess I am stressed too - and maybe projecting a bit. My own finances are stretched far too thin. EH's method of refusing to establish any sort of child support drains me and makes it hard to maintain the friendly relationship we have worked hard to establish. Money is at the forefront of my thoughts too. I worked a 12 hour day today to try to help alleviate some of it and raced home with anticipation of seeing PC only to find that the greeting was lukewarm (he's stressed) and in the first 30 seconds I was deeper in financial debt and further from being able to buy a single Christmas present for SG.

Add to that one more thing...a moment tonight that I tried to be sexy and failed miserably and it's just not my night. Rather than pushing my darling PC over the edge of unbridled passion, I managed to leave him clutching at his heart, mumbling about stress and ultimately unfulfilled. I tend to take it deeply personally when a man doesn't orgasm. To me, it's a failure. Especially in a man that typically doesn't require much to reach that point. In some ways, EH's failure to be sexually satisfied really weighed on me too, leaving me feeling like a terrible lover. Tonight shocked me to find it occuring again with PC, of all people, and only more deeply rooted that nasty little thought that the problem is me.

Not much of a night for the ego.

Yep...I'm a real man-killer.

Having felt sorry for myself long enough, I think I'll go sleep for a change! Goodnight!

Posted by Red :: 11:25 PM :: | --------------------------------------- Oddly Enough...I'm Here

Am I back?

Honestly, I don't know.

But you deserve an update, so here it is...

EH moved out about a month ago. We owed rent to PC (who had also moved out of his home and was living in a hotel). EH refused to pay any money to PC and chose to move out instead, essentially leaving me in a bind. Since I couldn't pay PC, PC moved in with me to save the expense of the hotel. EH knew this was the situation and made the decision because he wanted to use his money to purchase a car.

Friends are history. BestFriendM held two meetings in particular that disturbed me. One "secret" meeting with EH during which she counseled him on his options legally to fight me for custody and to "protect himself" and one business meeting with PC during which she insinuated that I was interested in PC for money. PC didn't tell me about that until much later when the topic somehow arose and he admitted it.

My mother and I are beginning to speak. Slowly. Carefully. But it's a start.

EH and I remain on decent terms. We get along well and speak often as if we were the best of friends. On the other hand, he's not financially contributing towards our daughter beyond $70 (half of her after care cost) and what he spends when he takes her out for the day. He's stuck me with all expenses from lunch money to her medical insurance and so on without the slightest remorse. I'm beyond broke and truthfully, unless he helps with the expenses I don't see any way to put anything under the Christmas tree for her. I'd say EH's vision of the finances pretty much illustrates his attitude about money during our entire marriage...it's my problem.

SG, my daughter, is doing just fine. She's taken all of this like a true trooper and has adapted well. She's become completely obsessed with hockey and delights EH with her fierce dedication to the sport. She gets along wonderfully with PC and seems alright with the changes. EH and I remain committed to parenting as a team.

So...wondering about PC?

I'm completely in love. I am not sure how to describe it without being unkind to the memory of EH, but I feel obligated to try. There are so many things I didn't realize I was missing out on in my marriage. We laugh, tease, play, talk seriously about our futures and worries, cuddle, plan...everything. He's so much more on my level than EH was. PC not only gets my silly side, but shares his own silly side. I am in a perpetual state of awe over him. In a dead sleep, if I disturb him ever-so-slightly, he instantly has a huge smile on his face...every time - as if he's so happy to open his eyes and see me there. Sometimes I purposely bump him just to see it. It never fails to make my heart skip a beat. By the same token, he has established boundaries with me that make me feel important to him. EH was never a jealous guy and to some extent that made me feel insignifigant. PC isn't so much jealous, but does make it clear to me that he wouldn't be the right person to toy with. Most amazingly, PC seems to be entirely in love with me right back. This man who has been so closed off for his entire life appears to open up to me so easily and share his soul with me. I love everything about him...from his independence, to his ease with any situation.

And the sex...? I'm exhausted. Remember my sex-starved days of yore? Hah!!! A normal day/night is on avererage 3-4 times daily...every day...without fail. Over and over...and it's only sleep, work or an outside obligation that gives me any reprieve! He can do it again and again and again...and he's amazing at it. Whew...

Times are still tough and the future is really rocky with problems to solve. I still do and always will love EH, but I believe he is much better off without me and that seems to be holding true. He's got a car, a new job, many friends and he's going to be great. Ultimately, I still believe I made the right choice.

PC and I have set New Year's Eve as a sort of "first day of the rest of our lives" night. Not sure what we will do, but we both want it to be special.

The reason for the blog post is simple. Reading through my archives with PC last night - he appreciated an insight into my thoughts and he felt like it was beneficial to me to 'get it all out'.

And maybe it is.

I had ceased blogging to avoid a certain psychopath but I don't see any reason to fret over her any longer.

So, how have you been?

Posted by Red :: 8:58 AM :: | ---------------------------------------