Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Wednesday's Rollercoaster

It's been a day of ups and downs.

Within the first hour at work I had been under siege with people storming into my office to vent and challenge my opinions. One co-worker was so furious at the 3 Musketeers leaving yesterday that she said "...and YOU want to pin your hopes on those three?"

I admitted I did. I defended my choice. I felt they had been overwhelmed and needed the break and while it was a horrible day, I stood behind them. Beyond being all too fully aware of their capabilities for success, I personally adore all three of them. In the end, the co-worker backed down and even apologized.

By 10 am, I had been run down. I went back to the pit where PlayBoy and Gman (the 2nd Musketeer) sit and just sat quietly trying to regain composure before I could get teary-eyed. I got the support I needed and felt better.

I have noticed a chill with PlayBoy that perplexed me. He's been outright avoiding me and cool when we talk at all. I questioned Dgirl (the 3rd Musketeer) and she insisted I was way off base. She told me that during the drunken festivities of yesterday I was the prime subject of conversation to such a point that she began to feel small and she kept saying "Why don't you just call her?"

She even surmised that both might have a crush on me.

Wait. What? Me?

I don't think she's right, but it did fluff my ego just a little. I wouldn't mind believing that. It's been a long time since I felt like a pretty and interesting girl. Mostly I just feel like a workaholic, chaotic, emotional trainwreck.

Moving on, I worked late tonight to catch up and even now I sit here alone in the office, trying to wrap up. EH is coming to pick me up and I'm ready for R&R. I got 2 new bootleg DVD movies today (The 40 Year Old Virgin and Must Love Dogs) and I'm looking forward to crawling into bed and watching one of them. Yes, I know it's wrong. I even feel just a little guilty, but I never claimed to be the Queen of Morality. If it makes you feel remotely better, the quality is usually so-so and I'll find a way to repent. It's not about saving a few bucks at the theater so much as it is taking a few hours to relax at home enjoying a new release movie. I know, I know...you think less of me now, don't you?

I have a plan for tomorrow that's a bit on the sneaky side. I asked PlayBoy and Gman to lunch. I'm going to bring a surprise guest...Best Friend M. Best Friend M is not only a genius in our industry, but could be a very valuable person to them. I know CB will HATE M's involvement, but I'm just going to make an introduction and see where destiny leads us all. I'm a traitor to admit that M could seriously enhance our future success, but it's a fact...

Work has officially overrun me. I don't remember the last time I had sex, but I suspect it's been a long while. I know it's been more than a week. I'm not even sure I care at the moment. Like I said, I feel like a mess of a human immersed in work and not very much like the pretty/sexy goddess I usually like to imagine I am.

Still...it's hump day, right? Maybe I'll get a little lucky and reset my head.

One last thing...did you know how much I adore you? Somehow it soothes my soul to ramble here and see that about 100 of you read my drivel a day. Some of you even comment and it's nearly always supportive. Somehow, just knowing you're here is like a visit from a friend.

We need a Blog convention to meet, don't you think?

Posted by Red :: 7:09 PM :: | --------------------------------------- Calling all rodents

I wonder if I am sinking into a depression?

The world seems to be spinning at terminal velocity and I’m sensing that I’m trapped running like a forlorn hamster stuck in a spinning wheel. Not going anywhere fast.

The first pictures coming out of the Gulf Coast are nothing short of devastating. Bodies floating in the water. Homes submerged to the rafters. Stories of people trapped on rooftops, in buildings. Destruction everywhere. I’m speechless to put my thoughts into words. Thousands of people in the leaking, flooding, powerless SuperDome with no homes to return to. Will Louisiana ever be the same?

In my own small corner of the world, work was a 3-ring circus today. I’m still going to be spare on details, but it was bad enough that 3 top producers left before lunchtime to get seriously drunk and were foolish enough to return to the office before close of day. PlayBoy was the natural ringleader which should shock no one. I have to say that before you wrinkle your nose – they needed this. The problems we’ve been facing in the office are beyond ludicrous and these 3 truly were shut down for the day. Their only fault was (1) not bringing all of us and (2) coming back (drunk). I’m not looking forward to tomorrow.

Plan B continues to develop and I’m hoping to have something to tell you in one month.

With power restored, I began to clean the disaster area that is my living room. Mud, leaves, dirt, pet hair and whatnot has finally been removed from my carpeting. It’s almost inhabitable again.

EH has been wonderful, but I find myself so lost in juggling emotions, worries, stress and plans that I feel far away from him. I know I need to stop and reconnect, but I’m propelled by momentum and finding it hard to halt myself.

Meanwhile, the world spins on, doesn’t it? My little foolish mutterings don’t stop it. Hurricane Katrina didn’t stop it. The dramatic loss of life and home didn’t stop it.

What else can a blogger do but continue to run on the hamster wheel of life?

Posted by Red :: 12:15 AM :: | ---------------------------------------

Monday, August 29, 2005

(Drumroll Please)

…and on the 5th night, the Gods said “Give Odd & Even light!”

And there was light.

And it was good!

47 minutes ago I had a pulsating migraine from stress and heat.  I gave up on being comfortable and climbed the stairs to our dramatically humid and sweltering bedroom.  Desperate to lie on my bed until the sick feelings passed, I reached for the generator powered fan on my dresser and twisted the dial.

…nothing…

Confused, I turned it again and the strangest thing happened…all the lights in the house popped on.  I was so dumbfounded that I just stared for a few seconds before I started screaming.

“Woooohooooooo!!!”

My a/c is cranked to 65 degrees and I’m sipping the Pina Colada that EH just whipped up in the blender from vanilla ice cream, Coco Lopez, rum and real pineapple chunks.  You haven’t had a Pina Colada until you make it by eliminating ice and substituting vanilla ice cream…pure bliss!

As I said earlier, work was trying.  An early conversation with CB gave me the sense that I might be getting edged out of the opportunity I keep alluding to.  I was stressed and worried and asked PlayBoy to have lunch together.  We did.  He was a complete ass through the whole thing – which he always is, but today it just grated on me – but he swore to me that he had all my concerns covered and that he would take care of me.  He’s going to be calling the shots, so I felt better.  If there ever was a person to keep close, he’s it.

And now, I’m watching the pictures coming out of the Gulf Coast from Hurricane Katrina and I’m humbled.  How obnoxious of me to whine about the power while people are clinging to rooftops with everything they own submerged below 15 feet of water and mud.  What a fool I am to be such a brat when so many are so very much worse off than me.  

I am truly sorry.  I am truly humbled.  My 5 days of misery were forgotten in the flash of the lights.  Their damages will last far longer.

Love to you all for tolerating me being such a crank.  I promise better days and hopefully details on the mysteries at work asap.

Posted by Red :: 10:11 PM :: | --------------------------------------- Day 5 at Camp Odd & Even

Well, the black out continues...we're still in the dark. The temperature in my living room is 90 degrees. And yes, I'm still miserable.

Work was a stress filled day of anxiety. I had lunch with PlayBoy and another co-worker and some of my worries were soothed over. The right people remain in my corner.

EH just ran home to free the heat-soaked pets, pick up SG and check on the power. While we're still in the dark, he does think he sees a tree crew in the area which is a brilliant beacon of hope. When my power is restored I plan to lower the a/c to about 60 degrees, take a steamy hot shower, blow dry and straighten my tangled mass of red curls and vacuum my poor, filthy living room which is strewn with dirt and leaves blown in and tracked in throughout the storm.

I'm deeply worried for the folks who just got Hurricane Katrina smacked into their front yards...

Posted by Red :: 5:58 PM :: | ---------------------------------------

Sunday, August 28, 2005

Just....fuck...

Yeah, I'm cranky.

Really cranky.

We're still without power and by the looks of it, it won't be back on any time soon. We discoved a GIANT tree with a root system as big as our building toppled a few houses down right through the power lines. We've played this game before...the tree people won't touch the tree until Florida Power and Light (FPL) remove the wires and FPL won't touch the wires until the tree people cut away the tree. We're screwed...

We're not sleeping. It's too hot, too loud (generators), too many fumes (generators), too...everything. We can't leave the house for long either because we'd have to shut off the generator that gives us the tiny fan and the pets would be in heat stroke. With the fan, it's 85 degrees inside. Without - easily 90.

Showers are ice cold. Food is non-existant. Ice is more precious than gold.

And that bitch of a storm has turned monster and is bearing down on New Orleans. I have one word for the folks there..."run".

Hurricane Katrina smacked us as a Cat 1. It was the first direct hit I've ever experienced in my many, many hurricanes and it was scary. The aftermath is a pain in the ass and we barely got tickled compared to what she's about to do to the Gulf. Anyone who stays behind is a fool...

I'll post pictures soon...

There's another reason I am so bitchy.

This morning at 6:50 am marked the 1 year anniversary of losing Christian. Of giving birth alone and drugged in a dark, hospital room. Of being terrified to look under the sheet because I was so afraid I would find him still alive and dying in my hands. I miss you little man....everyday. I think my sanity wanes with every failed pregnancy test hoping to get him back.

Sorry for being so bitchy. Little sleep and heat and stress have made me unfit for humanity this weekend.

Posted by Red :: 3:48 PM :: | ---------------------------------------

Friday, August 26, 2005

Define "okay"...?

Well, we survived.

Hurricane Katrina came ashore pretty much on top of us and we were battered by the eyewall. Winds gusted to 95 mph and it was pretty spooky. We lost power within the first moments of the storm and waited it out in the dark, huddled in our living room and watching the trees crash down and debris whiz past from our window.

Occasionally we ventured outside for a closer look and dodged squall lines to check damages. We’ll post pictures as soon as we can.

We’re still without power. I’m posting this quickly by the power of a loaned small generator that will help us get through the night. Being without electric is particularly hard in the wake of a storm when the tropical air is heavy and humid and hot and mosquitoes swarm the night air.

We’re uncomfortable and cranky. A Scrabble game nearly led to bloodshed and we’re really hoping power is restored soon. Last year it took 9 days.

We drove for hours today to find an open gas station that still had fuel to fill our car. Premium only…that hurt the wallet a bit.

We escaped the house today when we couldn’t stand watching every eternal minute tick past and found an open mall way out west to browse and explore. For a few blissful hours we felt like normal people. But we’ve just arrived back home and treaded our tree debris strewn yard to our very dark house.

Time to run, the generator is precious and I’m afraid computer use is to be seriously limited. Thanks for the well wishes…keep your fingers crossed that we find ourselves back in the world of electricity, air conditioning and television again. And a running refrigerator would be bliss…

I’ll post the pictures when the power’s back.

Love to all.
Odd Wife

Posted by Red :: 10:19 PM :: | ---------------------------------------

Thursday, August 25, 2005

And Suddenly There Was a Hurricane

Just after weathering a metaphorical storm at work last week we now are faced with a tangible tempest right on our doorsteps. That's not hyperbole on our part either. If you look at any of the storm tracks on the news or the web the path of Katrina wavers for a time and then veers a hard left, straight for our house.

Overall there is little panic in these parts, even as the surprisingly quick formation of this storm now brings the promise of it strengthening to hurricane status just as it comes ashore on our shore. After a fusillade of cyclones ripping through this area last year it will take a Cat-3 or stronger to really get our attention. Hell, it was just a few weeks ago that a small tropical storm whipped up in our area and we managed to sleep right through it, despite there being 80 mph winds clocked about 1 mile from our home. Even so, we were let out of work by lunch and we have Friday off as well. Already we came home to a driveway littered with tree debris so tomorrow should prove a messy affair.

Word is that the heart of the storm "will make landfall" (a common phrase in these situations)around 8:00 pm and blow strong through tomorrow morning. Mostly we will get rain. Estimates run between 10 and 15 inches by Friday, a hearty dump of water. The Odd One is thinking about offering some pictures of what we shall endure, but I can promise this much--it won't be as bad as last year's trials.

Posted by Anonymous :: 2:58 PM :: | ---------------------------------------

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Here Comes the Hurricane!

What can I write to you about, dear bloglit?

Nothing…

Not for lack of material, it’s been beyond plentiful.  But for confidentiality purposes, I can’t much delve into details.

So much going on.  Private meetings.  Alliances.  Opportunities.  Possibilities.  It’s all around us.

I’m working my ass off, as usual.  Beginning to lose weight because I never have time to eat.  (Not a bad thing!).  Even if I bring my lunch, I find I have no time to actually get up and make it.  I just keep working.

It caught up with me today.  For most of the morning I ran a high fever at work and felt like roadkill.  But, I know my body and I knew if I threw myself into work I would forget that I felt so badly and it would go away.  And, it did.  My fever broke and I survived.

SG’s open house was tonight and while there was no time to speak directly to her teacher, I was pleased that when I raised my hand to ask a question he called upon me with “Yes?  Oh – hello!  I LOVE your daughter!  She really keeps me on my toes!”  No other parent asking questions garnered a personal remark about their child.  

SG is brilliant and sociable.  She’s often brighter than the adults around her and has no fear of pressing questions or contradicting an adult if she knows something different.  I can only assume that she is (as she does every year) co-teaching the class.  Some teachers are amused, others annoyed.  He seems entertained.

Schools are closed tomorrow and Friday because we have a HURRICANE bearing down on us.  I’m actually too busy to notice and just hope it blows past without any missed work or damage.  

I’ll be a good blogger girl and post diligently through the storm, so long as electric holds out.  We’ll be working tomorrow and I will begin to post tomorrow after work.

A preliminary glance – gas lines are 45 minutes PLUS long and the grocery store was pretty busy.  No mad rush yet, beyond gas!  The air is cooler and we were treated to a stunning sunset of pink clouds swirling over a teal sky behind a silhouette of palm trees stirring in the tropical air.

Hurricanes or not, I still love living in tropical South Florida.

We live in Broward County, for those tracking the storm and we work on the edge of Palm Beach County.   So, if you follow the storm news – cross your fingers that we make it through without disaster.  We’ve all learned how devastating these storms can be after last year.  Last year, we were evacuated 3 times and lived without electric for 7 days in sweltering temperatures.  It was hellish.

Meanwhile, I can’t wait to be able to share some of the excitement with you!  It’s pretty amazing stuff!  Just know that we’re doing good and my ego is being pumped daily with a team of co-workers that make my life feel…well, wonderful!!!

Posted by Red :: 9:02 PM :: | ---------------------------------------

Monday, August 22, 2005

My Monday

It was most definitely a Monday…

For starters, chaos struck and the office had to scramble to clear up our warehouse lines to prepare to fund several million in loans closing this week.  EH was pulled into another department leaving me alone for the majority of the day.

The moment I walked in the door PlayBoy pulled me into a conference call with a top client he was wooing.  I was pleased he had so much confidence in me, but perplexed when I was called upon to explain how we were going to best serve this client that I had never before heard of.  I think I managed, but was not at my best.

There was no time to have a conversation with PlayBoy beyond some light banter and chatting.  I was heroically struggling to take one of his deals from 1st base to home in record time and managed to actually get it done.  

During one break, PlayBoy asked if I was “going tonight”.

“Where?” I asked.

“To CB’s house for the private meeting.”

“I guess not since I haven’t heard about a private meeting.”

“Well, you’re a part of it, whether you know it or not.”

Silence…

Me (hesitantly):  “You’ll look out for me, right?”  (These work situations get so mired in politics that you can be golden one moment and the office scapegoat the next…)

PlayBoy:  “Damn right.  And you’ll look out for me too, won’t you?”

Me:  “You know it”

PlayBoy:  “I’m counting on it”

I later learned that he was asked who he wanted on his team and he said my name.  When asked “Who else?”” He just repeated my name until they got the point.  Nicely done.

Well, the “private meeting” was moved to tomorrow night and CB called my cell to tell me to be there.  I’m not really looking forward to it since CB’s new house is 1 hour+ drive from home and the meeting will most likely go pretty late.  I am anxious to be a part of the meeting.  EH was very supportive of it all, thank heavens.  Wondering what it’s all about?  Well…some things you don’t even blog about until they transpire.  But there are some interesting plans in the works and I am honored to be a part of the brainstorming.

My EH…what can I tell you about my sexy man today?  How about how he knocked my socks off again last night with some late-night loving?  How we kissed and touched and whispered until my body was on fire for him.  Afterwards, clinging together and breathless I could only whisper, “That was NOT the sex of two people married for 10 years…”

That man does move me…

Posted by Red :: 11:30 PM :: | ---------------------------------------

Sunday, August 21, 2005

The Un-Sunday

I managed to get some time with my boss yesterday, in the hopes of discussing the job change.  However, as I pulled into her driveway (an hour’s drive from my home) my cell phone rang from PlayBoy who had just left my boss’s house telling me he had worked some things out, not exactly what we discussed but still something and he asked me to not get into “too deep” a conversation about it.  With my real reason for going to her gone, I actually had to truly help her unpack!  I’m such a sucker…

Our daughter ended up spending the night there and my initial hopes of some sexy time with EH dissolved quickly during a tense and silent drive home.  I’ve been sensing some distance between us lately and when I broached it saying “I feel like we’re growing apart again” he snapped “Why?!?!” at me and I shut my mouth.  

Once home, we ended up in a nasty argument where he laid into me for ruining our day off together by dragging him out to my boss’s house.  So much for sex…again.  I slept on the couch.  Or rather, I tossed, turned, cried and sulked on the couch.

This morning, we sorted a bit of it out and I swore to dedicate myself to being with him and relaxing.  Easier said then done.  I had 8 phone calls, at least 3 lengthy ones and we went shopping for a vacuum cleaner.  We did manage to fit in sex…after 2 weeks without it lasted all of 3 minutes (with me finishing fast and first and him seconds behind).

My boss is now arguing that I can’t become PlayBoy’s assistant because EH wouldn’t like it.  Not quite what EH meant to convey, but still bad news…  I asked EH if he had any issue whatsoever with me working with PlayBoy and he assured me that he trusts me completely.  EH just wants me to balance work and ‘us’.  At the same time, I need EH to understand that we’ve lived in abject poverty for years and I finally have opportunities to leap and bound ahead.  I HAVE to take them, even if it means extra time working.  And I need him to understand and be supportive.

The way I’ve been supportive of him in the past.

I’m interested to see what PlayBoy’s offer will be tomorrow.  But, in the meantime I have 8 files waiting on me to underwrite them tonight and I’m already sleepy.  So much for R&R!

XOXOXO,
The Odd Wife

Posted by Red :: 9:41 PM :: | ---------------------------------------

Saturday, August 20, 2005

Indecent Proposal

You know the expression “you can’t un-ring a bell?”

A bell has been rung today.

Pandora’s box has been opened.

The day was moving along at a decent clip.  Each of us at work was handed our paycheck during a mini-review and several people were let go.  In the end, 4 people were fired and 2 put on probation.

EH and I were told we were doing fantastic and to keep up the good work.

I was enjoying my underwriting groove.  Relishing the new position and challenges.  Looking forward to moving into my new big office.  EH and I joined PlayBoy and another work pal for an All-U-Can-Eat Sushi lunch and the day was full of light banter and fun.

And then it happened.  PlayBoy rang the bell.

PlayBoy has been talking about wanting a dedicated full-time assistant.  Mostly he wanted a hot chick he could sleep with who would also be a whiz at the job and help him make billions.  We were chatting idly about it when it both hit us that I should be the assistant.  I’m not “the hot chick to sleep with”, but I am the only person qualified to handle his file from conception to closing because I am the only person who has mastered every step of the process.  And PlayBoy and I get along well.  Not “fuck me” well, but still well!

PlayBoy offered me an incredible sum of money.  We’re talking a breath under 6-figures a year.  The kind of money I have never known.  The kind of money that would change my life.  At a job I would enjoy.  With a “boss” (PlayBoy) who is fun, easygoing and never-ever loses his cool.  (Multi-million dollar deal just fell apart?  He chuckles and shrugs and moves on.)

Goddess help me, I want it.

PlayBoy went direct to the owner to pitch the deal.  The owner agrees that conceptually the plan is flawless but says “No” because he needs me too much as an underwriter right now.

And then the owner makes the fatal mistake.  He offers PlayBoy another candidate.  We’ll call her “Bambi”.

Bambi is a hot blonde in the Closing department who has single-handedly fucked up every deal she’s touched.  She’s one of the people that was supposed to be fired today and got probation instead.  Bambi apparently used to make 55k a year and the owner says Bambi is not cutting it in Closing and “we’re going to lose her” if we don’t put her in a better position.

PlayBoy (to his credit) says no.

I came home tonight with my brain in motion.  Knowing this is within reach.  Knowing I could make this happen if I just replace myself as Underwriter…

EH and I fell asleep watching a movie and I woke from a dead sleep with the realization that has stunned me.

The owner wanted to put dumb, blonde fuck-up in a grossly overpaid position and keep me in a position making far, far less than I should be earning.  Me, the employee everyone raves about versus the employee most often threatened with firing.

Yes, I am earning more than I was, but truthfully I am still underpaid and now I am fucked.

Because I have to make this move.  I can’t have had this kind of money offered and not fight to the death to take it.  I can’t allow a person who is far less capable and qualified to surpass me that way without quitting out of sheer principle.

I actually have a few ideas for how it could work, but my mind is throbbing with the realization that this is a “corner” we’re all backed into.  There is no way to go back to being content with my career and no way of moving past this.  The “missed” opportunity alone would kill me.

I coasted all night on the flattery that PlayBoy wanted me.  I thought all night on possible solutions.  And the insult I had overlooked earlier has hit me like a ton of bricks.

Those were fighting words.  And I’m a fighter.

I feel bad because I know I am about to clobber my boss with this.  I can hardly wait to discuss it with her Monday and I’ve been forcing myself not to dial her up.  I know boss loves me as her right hand, but this kind of money is not obtainable any other way except by taking PlayBoy’s offer or fighting for my boss’s job.  It’s that serious.

And I don’t want to be a boss.  I just want to do what I do best and make sick money at it.

I have a feeling the fight of my life is in front of me.  It’s a sort of “do or die” situation because I’m anticipating having to threaten resignation over it.  


Fuck, fuck, fuck.  *Ding*!

Posted by Red :: 2:19 AM :: | ---------------------------------------

Friday, August 19, 2005

The Other Man...

EH got a mite jealous picking me up from work tonight to find I was alone with a co-worker. Not just any co-worker, but THE co-worker. I've called him the top producer a few times, but I suppose he deserves a blog name, so hereon I will call him PlayBoy. Because he most definitely is.

For the record, this is PlayBoy who was my dirty dancing co-hort on the trip last month.

Anyone else and EH might not have blinked, but PlayBoy is openly flirtatious with all women and extraordinarily charming. Every girl, including me, is victim to his charming southern smile and his flirting. He's also worth a ton of money.

Now, before you cock an eyebrow, no...nothing happened. We worked and occasionally we talked. And it pleases me to no end that EH was a bit jealous.

PlayBoy is adorable. All sweet charm and openly womanizing. He has an innuendo for every comment you make and keeps us all chuckling. Well, the girls anyway. Beneath the facade, he's a nice guy, plain and simple, and would never try to seduce a married woman (unless said married woman asked him to).

And, I did not. My virtue is intact, even if my ego is a bit plumper from EH's reaction.

A couple of things though. One, I'm in love with EH. Period. I was devastated last year by EH's actions and would never hurt him that way. Two, I'm on my period, remember??? Did you really think I'd be having messy trysts in my office? Yuck.

And three, PlayBoy is fun to work with and while I adore his occasional attention, I see him for what he is. All charm and charisma overtop a very preppy, yuppy, status-obsessed overgrown frat boy. He may amuse me, but he's not exactly sweeping me off of my feet.

There IS another man who does knock my heels off. Sexy, amazing...a man I can get unbelievably hot just thinking about. If I had worked with HIM alone tonight, I may have been seduced - period or not. I can't help but hope an opportunity to seduce him comes my way.

For the record, said man is my husband. I still desire him more than any other man.

Posted by Red :: 12:42 AM :: | ---------------------------------------

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Its Looming

My bride is working late this eve and while I await her call to retreive her I'll toss in an update of things. Unfortunately since we have been consumed with such, it is about work.

For openers my honeymoon at the job appears to be over. For the past few weeks The Odd One has been slathering me with praise about how well I've been doing, all the while I smirk and say, "Yea, right. I'm barely learnin'!" Anyway, the past few days she has been pressed into service as Underwriter, about 2-3 weeks earlier than planned. As far as my training it will have to be complete ASAP. She has occassionally been helping me learn more from my end at home(funny story to follow) but it leads to other interesting ramifications.

First, loan processing is rather like many things in life in that the more you learn about it the more you realize how much you don't know. In this case the more you understand what to do to a file the more time it takes to properly process said file. Conversely the more you learn the more people expect you to get done. This week has been a blur of people coming in and expecting a rapid turn-around time on their files. And this brings up my Odd One's promotion. She is in the desk beside me, pouring through files with a fine-tooth comb, trying to decide whether they are proper to be funded. This has led to the past two days of her saying to me, "I can't believe you missed this! It is all part of the learning curve. Guess I'm on the downslope of that curve.

Two nights ago she brought some files home and we sat in bed as she showed me what she does in underwriting so it would help me process better. The next morning she told this to our boss and the woman became grave in tone, telling us to never do that. Our bed is our sanctuary, she told us, and we should never do things like work while in bed. We looked at each other and shrugged. While I can grasp her sentiment, believe me, this will never be a threat for us. For the record we had drinks, we were shooing our pets away, and we were watching Futurama. It was hardly a serious and stressful work environment, and I certainly would not have felt better sitting morosely at the table grunting over figures. The two of us sprawled over the sheets, working shoulder to shoulder--I actually liked it.

Now tommorow should provide more entertainment. Heads are rolling and jobs will be lost. Our Closing department has bordered on ineptitude for weeks, and repeated meetings are not helping. Also some of the old-guard/dead-wood is slated to be removed as well. In fact My Wife today was promised her own office, which, as an indication, is currently occupied by the former Ops-Manager. And if that is not enough, there have been complaints bubbling up from select few people lately and today a full-on attack was launched by one in particular. This gal decided to go to the owner to lodge complaints about every person in the place, The Operations Manager and my wife included. Bear in mind she has been employed there scant weeks longer than myself. This dismays me because I wouldn't think of raising my voice at a new job for the first few months as I learn the ropes. She and others have been groaning about the lack of bonuses, despite the fact that we are fighting to right the company to the point of break-even status right now, which is something repeatedly hindered by said Closing dolts. Not coincidently most of those complaining are the same in the pink-slip cross-hairs tommorow.

By nature I am mostly out of the gossip loop, but when TOW mentioned this woman's tirade about those not doing their jobs I asked if her husband was included on that list. He actually sits at his desk with his PSP playing movies, and spent most of last week playing with Google Earth (earth.google.com), things on view for anyone to see. Now not to be the one to preach on professionalism--after all, I have martini glasses for pen holders and a tiki god on my window sill--I don't see the logic in this woman last week carping about being able to feed her kids and then essentially greasing the skids for both she and her husband's unemployment.

Me, I'm happy to have a good job and a nice desk, with a gorgeous woman working beside me. And did I mention that I also have a window?

That's where I keep my tiki idol.

Posted by Anonymous :: 8:02 PM :: | ---------------------------------------

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

An Elephant Medley of the Odd Variety

I was sitting here feeling uninspired to post.  Work has been a major focal point and I was out of fresh ideas for a blog post.

But a comment on another site put my wheels in motion.

I’m a romantic at heart.  I grew up reading stories of princes slaying dragons for beautiful maidens, of love conquering all and of happily ever after.  And I believed.

Although my marriage is blissfully stable now, for a moment it wasn’t.  And we are surrounded by married couples of varying degrees of unhappiness.  All this has led me to understand my position on “Til Death Do Us Part”.

I am totally and completely opposed to a married couple staying together only for the children.

As a child of divorce, I was thankful everyday that my parents split up.  My dad was a great “weekend dad” but was a difficult and angry man.  I always knew a full-time life with him would have impacted who I am in horrible ways.  Despite the fact that my mother is now twice divorced, as a child I grew up in a home with a mother and stepfather who were in love.  They slow-danced in the living room while I rolled my eyes.  They kissed.  There were flowers, candles and a sense of intimacy between them.  I grew up knowing love.

I understand that I am fundamentally selfish in some ways.  I don’t mean to be, but it’s ingrained in my personality.  I would never stay married simply for my child.

I think children are much more perceptive than we give them credit for.  They sense feelings and emotions around them.  Mom and Dad being “just friends” is still pretty obvious to a child.  They learn that this is “normal” and don’t aspire to anything greater for themselves.

Beyond that, I disagree with sentencing yourself to a lifetime without love.   Think about what love feels like and how it affects your moods.  It makes your step lighter, your smile brighter.  It puts a song in your heart.  It inspires you.  It moves you.  Without it, there’s just emptiness and I can’t imagine functioning as a happy person.  What would be the point?  Could I really be as good a mother if I felt hollow inside?

I’m a believer.  I believe love is out there and that everyone deserves it.  I believe in not settling for less.

Love has inspired adventures.  It is that which has moved painters to paint masterpieces, songwriters to compose lyrics guaranteed to quicken your pulse and poets to compose sonnets that have stirred the souls for hundreds of years.

I’m fortunate that we saw our troubles through and emerged even stronger as a couple.  My husband is a huge part of that which inspires me.  I work so hard with hopes of owning a home together, traveling together.  I get through Monday to Friday with the wish that the coming weekend will bring us a moment to share together and renew my spirit.  I strive to be a better person to keep this man that I love so much close to my heart.

“Love is like oxygen, love lifts us up, all you need is love…”


A life without it…?  I think not.  Not for me, anyway.  

Posted by Red :: 11:03 PM :: | --------------------------------------- Week Willed

So, Blogger added a kicky new add-on that lets you create a post in MS Word and publish.  I’m testing it out here…so far, all I can offer is that the installation is super fast and easy.

Work was hectic as usual.  Is it really Wednesday???  I am now officially a full-time underwriter and my boss passed our office today, stuck her head in and told me I was moving to a specific office on Monday morning.  A nice, big office all for ME.  I love it.  My first office.  With a door.  Sure, the walls are glass, but it’s still a good thing for me.  I will miss working in the same office with EH.  Right now, he’s an arm’s length from me.  When I move, he’ll be a few doors down.

Surely you’re tired of hearing about work, right?  Let’s move on.

The pregnancy test I took on Thursday said “No” again and broke my heart.  And, sure enough, my period started with a vengeance yesterday…so I am still sexless.  I am harboring a secret suspicion that I am reverting to being a virgin at this rate.  I know it hasn’t been that long, but it feels like forever!!!  I’m having overtly sexual dreams every single night.       

…and the week marches on.

Posted by Red :: 10:20 PM :: | ---------------------------------------

Monday, August 15, 2005

Service Me, Slave Boy!

Work was productive, if difficult today. My boss was ready to crack skulls from the get go this morning and I was relieved that she first came to me to brainstorm on what I felt were existing problems and solutions. During her hour long tyrade upon the entire staff, she repeatedly used my department as an example of how things should work and referred to me many times to help her clarify trouble spots in the company process. Basically, I felt managerial today.

By noon, I was handed a stack of files and told "Underwrite these". So, I guess my move to becoming an underwriter has begun.

I can't help but snicker remembering a comment many moons ago from my psycho stalker who challenged a post in which I stated that my work skills were at a high level and that I had the ability to learn things at an incredibly rapid pace. I only have to prove things to myself, but now and again it feels good to be proven right. After a grand total of 1 year and 3 months in the industry (not counting building the software we use) I have gone from mortgage processor, to processing manager, to department head and now moving to underwriter. It typically takes years to master processing before making a leap to underwriting. So....hah! (makes a raspberry noise at pyscho stalker).

I admit to getting crabby in the afternoon. The underwriting was a challenge considering my current position. Basically, if I encounter a problem with a file, I have to kick the file back to...well, myself, to solve. Not exactly possible, so my efforts required double duty. When my favorite top producing exec sauntered in with a cocky "Underwrite this!" I basically told him to "Bend Over". Eventually my co-workers began to theorize I wasn't getting enough at home.

Enough what? You know...enough!

How about any??? Between hectic schedules and EH fighting off some trace of virus, there's been no sex since sometime last week when I posted about the hot sex night! And yes it's wearing on me.

EH isn't looking much more energetic tonight and I'm beginning to make goo-goo eyes at the super economy package of AA batteries in my drawer.

But enough about me. How's YOUR sex life been?

Posted by Red :: 7:16 PM :: | ---------------------------------------

Sunday, August 14, 2005

The Wedding and Human Baggage

As unbelievable as it sounds, the wedding came off smoothly last night...as far as I know!

The bride was radiant in a gold beaded gown and her hair pulled back in a thick mass of ringlets swept back from her face. I spent a good hour on her hair.

And yes, the cake made it there incident free (rather remarkable for me, don't you think?)

The ceremony hit exactly at sunset with the ocean behind us. Despite threats of thunderstorms, the weather was beautiful.

SG became a bridesmaid at the very last minute and was shoved into her first "grown-up" dress. There was a tense moment when she prpared to walk down the "aisle" in a cocktail gown and sneakers when EH showed in the nick of time with her forgotten dress shoes.

The bride and groom sobbed openly as they were pronounced man and wife. The onlookers exchanged bets on how long it would last. I kept my eyes on EH at the back of the deck, silently renewing my own vows to him. And SG had a moment of panic during the communion portion of the ceremony when the chalice of wine was offered to the bride and groom and SG loudly whispered fearfully, "We have to drink blood????"

For me, the best moment of the evening was at the reception. Sitting with a few co-worker/pals and one remarked to EH and I that we were the only couple he knew that could make him want a marriage. He said the bond between us was just so evident. EH and I have heard this many, many times and it never fails to touch me. I beamed the rest of the night at the compliment. We left fairly early, as SG was falling asleep on her feet and I worried because when we tried to pay our bar tab, they insisted it was all on a "main tab" and as far as I know, no one knew who was paying this tab. I kept wondering if my cell phone would ring with a panicked bride and groom trying to come up with several hundred dollars.

EH and I are already enjoying our "stay home Sunday" together and puttering about the house with laundry and tidying up what we can. My cell phone has been blissfully silent, a rarity lately! I did bring home 6 files to review, but I plan to do it later today while relaxing.

And, hey...forget Roe v. Wade, Democrats v. Republicans and religion. You want to really start a heated discussion, try debating SAHM v. Career Moms...holy hell did this touch off a chain reaction of ranting.

The original blogger who took issue with my comment provoked a defensive post from me defending my opinion. I wasn't angry with the blogger, or even really insulted (except for the "full of shit" comment which I didn't really like) but I did feel that I needed to respond. I don't expect to be agreed with. But I also didn't expect it to digress into a battle of who has a harder life in comment land. Whew.

You know what made the biggest impression on me? The original blogger, Square1, posted an (unnecessary) apology after my post. While greatly appreciated, she had no need to be sorry. We just see things differently. Nonetheless, that's one classy blogger, in my opinion.

Issues like these are near and dear to people's hearts and souls and can easily provoke heated responses. Hot buttons have been pressed in many of us, most of us bloggers who have always co-existed rather nicely.

I'm going to offer up my own apology. I still feel strongly about my opinion and I continue to understand that opinions will differ radically among us. I'm sorry for anyone who is offended. I don't think the "walk a mile in someone else's shoes" is a fair analogy because it's not realistic.

Instead, it's more interesting to learn how different our lives are.

I never got to share this, but Thursday at the office was a fascinating example of this. Crazy Boss and I had been talking late Wednesday night and feeling down about the tensions and bitchiness in the office. There was a string of rumours, backbiting, bitchiness and so on that had come to our attention. I thought about it all night long and walked into work intending to tell CB that she needed to take charge of the staff and address it. Imagine my surprise to find her sitting at the front door of the office on a stool. As I started to talk to her, she wholeheartedly agreed and we sat out there and refused to let anyone enter until the air had been cleared. We had a group standing out there being confronted (nicely), calmed, appreciated and opened up. Within 30 minutes, everyone was crying and hugging and sharing their souls. One co-worker bemoaned her finances and CB asked her to think of all she was blessed with...a home, 2 children, a loving husband...and another co-worker (a sweet, quiet woman) broke in tearfully and reminded her to realize how many people didn't even have THAT as she struggled to cope with THREE children and no husband and no home. Another co-worker has cancer. Another has legal issues. It goes on and on...who knew that while we all put on the false smiles and cheery office facades, that every person was a human carrying their own bags of worry and pain?

The point is, no two lives are alike. We all have hurts, tragedies and pain that we carry. Just because someone doesn't share every secret doesn't mean they don't hurt too. We don't always have to agree, but the world would be a damned nicer place if we could all respect the difference of opinions and appreciate each other. I know I'm going to make more of an effort towards it.

Posted by Red :: 1:21 PM :: | ---------------------------------------

Saturday, August 13, 2005

Touching Nerves

Well, you can't expect everyone to agree with you all the time, can you?

A comment I left on Jay's Flying Solo blog apparently struck a nerve with a fellow blogger and resulted in an entire post devoted to how wrong I was.

My comment was this:

"It must be nice to be Kitti is all I can say. She's a SAHM, which essentially means she has made a career of being home with the children and running your household. I think you were perfectly right to expect her to clean up. The few years that I worked from home, I understood that it was my job to maintain our home. (Of course, if you're a rotten slob just throwing dirty socks where you please, she has a right to be ticked!)

Let me tell you...if EH could keep me as a SAHM, not only would my child smile, my house sparkle - but I'd greet my handsome breadwinner at the door with a martini and a lacivious smile every night.

I'm sorry, I continue to find her behavior selfish and spoiled. You might remind Kitti of all the women who would LOVE to be SAHM's but are forced to work full-time jobs and still try to maintain a family and a decent household."

Now, I'm sorry for those who don't agree, but this remains my opinion. Try to see it from my side...

My house is a constant mess. Apparently, to do dishes and laundry you actually have to be home and I'm working long days and late nights. I hate coming home to a messy house that isn't fit for company but I'm working non-stop and constantly functioning within my work social circle to maintain my position and future. I hate having to cram a loan of wash into the tiny stackable washer/dryer to try to come up with a pair of clean underwear for the next day, or having to wash a spoon to be able to wolf down a reheated meal.

I hate living on fast food because we're never home to shop. I hate that my daughter spends 10 hours a day in school and aftercare when she should be home, playing outside in the sunshine.

I hate the my daughter couldn't be a cheerleader this year because I can't be sure I'll be able to leave work in time to get her there.

I hate that I always have to refuse memberships with the PTA or that I can't chaperone a field trip.

I hate that I can't have more children. I took a damned pregnancy test two days ago with a heart full of hope since I have skipped my last period and came up with a definite negative.

I hate that I can't take the time to cook a nice dinner. Hell, I can't even get to the grocery store.

I hate that my life revolves around hard work outside the home just to try to keep decent clothes on my child's back, a car in the driveway and a roof over our heads.

I hate that I am existing on 4-5 hours of sleep a night.

I hate that I have no time to take care of myself.

A co-worker of mine is extremely successful. He must average $20,000+ a month. His wife stays home with their 3 children. They have a nanny and a maid. I admit that I wonder what the hell she does with her time and resent that she treats her husband like crap.

I'm going to avoid explaining my comments about how I think Jay's wife is behaving selfishly because they don't really apply here. It has nothing to do with her role as a SAHM, but rather with her mistreatment of Jay that I find so awful.

I hate that most women have a choice and I don't. I'm the primary salary and I have to accept that I will never get to be a full-time Mom.

Yes, I admit that women who get to live my dream and don't appreciate it annoy me. It's like a starving, poor person sitting beside someone who complains that counting all of their money can be so tiring.

I never said that ALL women who are housewifes should make their child smile, their house sparkle - and greet their handsome breadwinner at the door with a martini and a lacivious smile every night. I only said that I would. And I damned sure would. Don't believe me? Give me the chance to prove it. I'd love to put my money where my mouth is (or my mouth where my money is...? Heh.)

It's a shame that women who can't or don't choose that lifestyle feel forced into it. Even more of a shame that women who would give anything for that lifestyle live knowing that their children are growing up every day and they'll never get the chance to do it.

I've only gotten to enjoy brief stints as a housewife and I loved them. I loved cooking. I loved a clean house. I loved seeing my child directly after school with a snack and her homework. I miss it more than you could know.

But, for the ones who are "SAHMs", isn't it a choice? If they wanted to have a career instead of a housewife life, couldn't they work outside the home and apply the income towards aftercare, daycare and babysitters? Surely not in every case, but in many instances? Yet, that's not even a remote option in my life. Yeah, I'm envious. Yeah, I think the women who CAN be home should be appreciative of the husband who supports that life financially.

SAHM's rewards are in their home, their children, their family. You know what my rewards are? A weekly paycheck that covers my bills while a nagging sense of guilt reminds me that my child is being hurried through her day because I have to work 10-14 hours a day. She'll be grown in no time at all and I'll have missed most of it all because I had an obligation to keep our family housed, fed and clothed. You don't think it hits a nerve with me to hear someone complain that they spent all day with their children trying to keep the house nice? It sure as hell does. Sorry, but between office politics, hard as heck daily career challenges and managing a department - I'd MUCH rather work at my own life then to spend my day putting other families in their dream homes all day. I'd love to meet my families needs around the house FIRST instead of living in a messy house, eating rapid-ready foods and trying to find a clean outfit for all 3 of us. I wish my challenges were picking up my house and caring for my child. I wish my focus could be solely there.

You don't think I'd rather sweep, mop and shine my kitchen floor instead of underwrite a mortgage? You think I leave my bed unmade because I'm lazy? Not quite. I wake after a possible 4-5 hours sleep and race to get us all dressed and on the road to fight the day again. There's no time or energy left to put into my home.

I'm sorry that my opinion doesn't sit well with all, but it is in fact MY opinion. I may have hit a nerve, but this hits a nerve right back.

I don't think I can do a "better job" than someone else - I just know I'd sure enjoy the chance to TRY.

My daughter's summer camp ended 2 weeks before school started and she spent every day in my office. There were days she'd show up at my desk whimpering how hungry she was, lunchtime had passed us by - a fact I had overlooked since I hardly get a chance to take a lunch break. You don't think THAT didn't hurt my heart?

I reserve the right to feel annoyed when someone living MY dream life complains about it or shows zero appreciation for it and they're welcome to think I'm deluding myself when I dream of having the opportunities that they seem to feel so oppressed by.

And...I've rambled. As much of a nerve as I touched, this touched one in me right back. So, some of us will just have to disagree. And we can disagree without it meaning that one of us is "full of shit", can't we?

After all, have you tried on MY shoes lately? I bet 14 hours a day in my heels working under the insane pressure I function in would bite and pinch a bit more than you might imagine.

Posted by Red :: 11:49 PM :: | --------------------------------------- Oh, the Drama!

So, today is CB's (Crazy Boss) wedding day. I am more nervous than the bride. I just picked up the wedding cake, a two tier frosted monstrosity, that is my $150 gift to them.

Being in charge of protecting the cake is making me insane. I think EH was ready to pitch me out of the car on the ride home.

In typical Odd Wife fashion, I am a walking catastrophe. Last night, I stayed up late to tidy up the house, read a scary story and scared myself so that when I shut the living room lights off, I ran for the stairs, tripped and fell UP the damned stairs, hurting my finger, skinning both knees and scraping up my calf. EH was perplexed at how I ran from the "Boogeyman" and fell UP stairs. I thought my finger might be broken for a bit since it turned purple and swelled up so fast, but it's perfectly movable, so it seems to be fine.

I dyed my flaming red hair a slightly brownish color to try to avoid clashing so garishly with my very purple bridesmaid dress.

I'll be underway in just a short bit to drop the cake off (hopefully in tact!) to the restaurant, then meeting the bride at her honeymoon suite to make her pretty and dress myself. The ceremony is on the beach and we'll be partying the night away at a local jazz restaurant/lounge.

The guests are dubious at best. Understand, CB has known her groom for a little over a month now. Dated him for about 4 weeks. Lived with him for 3 1/2 weeks. Her 4 children seem comfortable with it. I want her to be happy - and she seems to know her heart, so my job is just to be supportive of her and trust that she can decide for herself.

The week wrapped up another crazy one full of wedding plans, work and a hectic pace. Friday, one top producer brought me to a meeting in Coral Gables with a wealthy investor, and several prominent realtors, attorneys, brokers, etc. This is the same executive I dirty danced with in Orlando last month. We had a good time, laughing lots and the meeting went well. Afterwards, we ducked into the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino to have a quick cocktail, play $20 in slots and returned to the office. So, my productivity was lacking on Friday.

EH and I have SWORN that tomorrow will find us sitting around our house doing absolutely nothing. Remember those Sunday's I used to love so much? Watching TV, tidying up, spaghetti dinners? That's my dream day. It's literally been about 2 months since we have even been home except to sleep. We're both looking forward to it.

I hope YOUR weekend is less chaotic, equally fascinating and full of love. I'll let you know how the wedding was tomorrow!

Posted by Red :: 2:29 PM :: | ---------------------------------------

Thursday, August 11, 2005

The Day WAS Off to a Good Start

All week long I have awoken with amorous intentions and my lovely, senuous bride beside me to absorb those slings. And all week we were already late and she had to play the adult and deny my entreaties. This morning I started my prodding of her 5 minutes earlier, so she had no excuse, and we had some early morning delight. It was great, we were glowing, and it was just the way to start off a Thursday.

And then things spiraled out of wack.

Running late I squeezed the kid into school with moments to spare only to have the dog vomit in the car on the way home. The shoes I needed for work had soles coming apart but for the very front, and then it rained as I retreived my other pair from the car. Still haven't left for work yet, either. Rain means people in South Florida drive 20mph on the highway, despite having nearly 300 days a year to get used to the weather, so we were nearly late. Lunchtime we then leave for work and we learn this genius left the lights on this morning. I also had my first really bad day at work, wrapping up the time by getting into a fight with the most emotional broker in the building just before leaving. Now I'm deep into a 6-pack and will decompress further by blogging about frivolities that amuse me:

A Chinese Riddle: If one monosyllabic bleached tramp interviews another monosyllabic bleached tramp, do they make a Sentence?

Tara Reid's debut as the host Taradise on the E-Channel last night. I will be man enough to admit that The Odd One and myself watched it--for possibly 5 minutes. Her first guest was Paris Hilton and while watching two vapidly talentless women-who-are-called-actresses-because-they-were-seen-in-movies we could feel the mental faculties seeping from our ears. We changed the channel and then tested each other with long division to be sure the damage was minimized. If you missed the show you can see a complete tabulation of the cultural carnage, courtesy of Gridskipper.


QUESTION: What's worse than Adam Sandler?
ANSWER: The actors that he employs

While "The Dukes of Hazard" reign at the box office and "March of the Penguins" languishes out of the Top-5 it is little mystery that Hollywood sees fit to produce sequels to painfully unfunny films like "Duece Bigelow: Male Giggalo", and yet they do. One thing IS funny about this: watching high-brows like The New York Times grapple with the marketing of these mistakes. I love seeing an institution like this use the term "man-whore" in its copy, and getting bent out of shape over the phallic use of the Leaning Tower of Pisa. And before you think the NYT is the bastion of high class notice the link beside this item for a story on The Dukes' own General Lee.


Why Don't Baseless Conspiracy Dopes Go After Good Movies?

Recently we have discussed the commonalities in our marriage, but one area where we differ is in our cinematic tastes, particulary my fondness for bad movies. This affection was spurned by THE best show to ever grace a television, Mystery Science Theater 3000. (the uninitiated can explore here). Anyways, one of my fave episodes was called "Parts:The Clonus Horror". To say an MST3K movie was bad is redundant. Example: The basis of this film was that evil industrialists (are there any other type) secretly create clones to farm for body parts. But at the end we see one of the bad guys has an eye patch, i.e. it never occured to him to fix himself! Anyway,the producers of that crap-fest want to sue another crap-fest for stealing their bad idea, I guess.

AND FINALLY...

This Is Your Face--This Is Your Face On Drugs

Good chance that this has made the rounds, but it is priceless nonetheless. Aguy is caught huffing in a hardware store--that is, inhaling the fumes from an aerosol paint can. He is brought it and booked, and poses for his mug shot. Now when you click on the link read the copy first, THEN scroll down for the photo. And remember--this guy was "ALLEGEDLY" inhaling illegally.

Posted by Anonymous :: 8:32 PM :: | --------------------------------------- Save the Drama for your Mama.

Office cattiness has reared it's ugly head in our office.

My department sits in our own little "room" and works. We joke around with each other. We work hard. We're quiet most of the day.

Every other department is a hotbed of scandal, bitchiness, back-biting and gossip.

Posted by Red :: 8:15 AM :: | ---------------------------------------

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

This is how the heart swings...

Have you ever played The Sims? You have to expand your social circle to move ahead in your career and it becomes nearly impossible to mange so many friends. A few days without calling and you loose one or two.

I think this game is actually semi-reminiscent of true to life relationships. They require work. You have to keep feeding the energy and maintain communications.

It's easy to let the energy lapse. A few hard days of work and EH and I find ourselves moving about on auto-pilot and neglecting our relationship energy. Rather than notice it, we both begin to get crabby and snappish with each other. I feel ignored, he feels frustrated.

Once upon a time, the crazy pace of our lives led to this auto-pilot place. Rather than address it, we blamed each other silently. We grew increasingly distant until I found myself staring down at his sleeping profile and feeling like he was a stranger. When the walls between you grow to great heights, sometimes they are impossible to break down again. Our walls were pretty high. What luck we had a true explosion that blew them down.

You know how that all turned out.

Even having learned the incredibly valuable lessons we have been bestowed with, the pattern is an easy one to fall towards. This weekend found us sharing a bit of distance and snappyness. The difference now is we recognize it, make it a point to spend time together and it fades away in the afterglow of our love.

The moral of the story is that even the strongest loves are essentially fragile. They are capable of suffering under the slightest of strains. You have to remember to nourish and cherish the feelings between you.

Last night, I signed off in hopes of hot sex. I ran up to the shower and washed quickly. I was just finishing when EH joined me. Eager to get to the bedroom, I leapt out of the shower and he grumbled about my rush. He was looking forward to some soapy water play. I emerged from the bathroom to discover our bedroom already darkened and illuminated in the glow of 10 or so candles about the room. On his bedside table was an array of our favorite lotions and potions and playthings.

I was completely seduced. It was such a small effort on his part to let me know he wanted me and it hit the mark. I went to sleep with a beaming smile on my face snuggled close to my incredible husband.

Nourish and cherish. Don't let more than a few days pass without showing your spouse how much you love/admire/respect/desire/adore them.

Posted by Red :: 8:10 PM :: | ---------------------------------------

Monday, August 08, 2005

The Darkness of Us

EH and I managed to get together yesterday with S&M to enjoy "Charlie & The Chocolate Factory". I was dazzled by Tim Burton's latest greatest and kept whispering to EH, "It's so beautiful!"

Both of us are fantastic Burton fans (as you know from The Nightmare Before Christmas posts) and we're eagerly awaiting The Corpse Bride this September.

It's another part of our connection that we both get the dark beauty of Burton's work. EH and I are so different, him laid back and a bit conservative and me living life like an ongoing Broadway show, but we come together on certain things...pin-up art, Burton, lounge and tiki styles and retro music appreciation.

I have been getting a bit pouty with such a harried schedule not leaving room for sex. No sex this weekend actually hurt my feelings. Today in the office, I was bent over my boss's desk and EH walked and stood behind me just so. I later asked if it was a sign and he said Yeah!

So...hot sex tonight, ladies and gentlemen! Woohoo!

Posted by Red :: 9:25 PM :: | ---------------------------------------

Sunday, August 07, 2005

Straightjacket and Hand Ties Required

How do I even begin to convey to you the past few days and my thoughts? I am among crazy people and this weekend was officially more tiring than the week.

Where do I start?

How about the phone call I received just before leaving work on Friday? My half-sister (who is 20) calling to find some comfort. Her mother (my former step-mother) has a progressively degenerative illness called Huntington's Chorea. She's had this for 10+ years. She has deteriorated so terribly. She has full time nursing care in her home and now weighs about 80 lbs. Skin over bones. My sister tries to help take care of her since she is basically alone (except for nurses). In the past week, she has become more and more violent, beating my sister and attacking her car like a scene out of Cujo screaming "I hate you!" She's being moved to an assisted living facility this week now, but my sister is in pieces.

To move on, I have to assign names to my work folks...

CB: Crazy Boss. She's a few years older than I am, mother of 3 children, petite, Southern drawl, attractive, whirlwind dervish of a person. I have never in my life seen this woman sit still. She always has 47 things happening and 20 people in her face and she never gets flustered. I am torn between fear, admiration and awe of this woman. She can talk anyone into anything and sell ice to an Eskimo.

BF: Boss's fiance. They got engaged in my presence July 22nd after dating for about 3 weeks. He's a super nice guy and seems to balance her.

So...CB walks outside and sees me on the phone looking tense and asks what's wrong. We talk and she says that they (her, BF, her son D (9), her daughter B (14) and an elderly co-worker) are heading to get a Mexican dinner down the street, do we want to come?

I LOVE Mexican. We do.

Now, SG (our daughter) has spent the past 2 weeks in our office with CB's son who is the same age. These two have become the best of friends. Over dinner they are now inseperable. By the end of the meal, CB wants my SG to go home to play with her son D while we go out with them for a bit. We agree.

SG ends up sleeping over his place while EH and I are shocked to find ourselves wrapping up the night with Denny's meal at 2:30 am. We go home and sleep until nearly noon.

Our Saturday plans were to finish the Back-to-School Shopping but now we have no SG and despite our best efforts we can not seem to recover her. CB, BF and the 2 kids are on the road a county away doing errands. There are delays at every turn that become comical and it's 4:30 before we have a chance to reclaim her. We arrive at CB's place and we are drawn into their insanity again with their pleading for us to go shop and then return to grill steaks and play games. We take her son with us, take off in CB's swank pricey SUV (she insisted) and shop for 3+ hours, then return to a steak dinner.

Hilarity ensues.

CB and I are growing very close. She now calls me many times a day and wants me to stand up for her at her wedding. We are, I think, on the verge of being very close friends. She and BF have decided they do not want to wait, they want to get married THIS MONTH. She and I attempt to plan a whirlwind wedding.

We play games and it's again 2:30 in the morning when we get home, a sleeping SG in our clutches.

EH and I sleep til noon. We have plans with S&M and the kids to go see a movie. A little normalcy and my best friend and I have not seen one another in 3 weeks. I wake and my first message is from CB. They are now needing to get married NEXT WEEKEND so BF's mother can attend.

Will I help?

Holy smokes...

CB is currently driving around trying to find 2 houses. One for them and one for us. She's determined to make us their neighbor.

EH and I are just...overwhelmed. Life is spinning around us with increasing speed. We're surrounded by crazy people. And we're becoming part of them.

I dearly, dearly hope that our day today goes AS PLANNED. An early movie with friends, possibly a bite to eat, home before dark to just RELAX. I have this worrying feeling CB will come up with something ridiculously insane tonight and we'll be swept away...but I am determined to resist.

(I can't deny it's all been a little fun). EH and I are both feeling like our life keeps undergoing these dramatic changes...but so far, all for the better.

Posted by Red :: 12:29 PM :: | ---------------------------------------

Thursday, August 04, 2005

You're Just Too Good To Be True...

...can't take my eyes off of you!

I've had a hard time taking my eyes off of my husband today. Sure, we're been together for a dozen years. Sure, we've been married nearly ten. Sure, I work by his side and see him at every waking moment...

But still...

His eyes, his face, his body. I still feel like this is the most stunningly handsome man I have ever seen. The most incredible man I've ever been near. The most wonderful man I've know. And it's more than looks - he has the personality to boot.

He makes me laugh, makes me feel safe. He watches over me. He makes sure I am taken care of. He loves me. I love him back.

How do you measure the incredible moments you share with another person? How does so much time pass without diminishing what we feel? How can I still marvel at a future with a man I've shared a lengthy past with? More than 1/3 of my life has been spent with EH and I can only think how sad 2/3 were lost without him. Granted, we needed a childhood, right?

In talks over the years, we've laughed at the millions of times we were so close as children. Growing up in the same neighborhood, him 6 years my senior. Times he worked at places frequented by my friends and I. Mutual friends. So many times we were so close to one another and never met.

Would we have known then? Would there have been some sign, some instant of recognition? Ahhhh, there you are...

It's a curiousity, but of no matter. He's here now. Whatever missed opportunities lay behind us, we have a lifetime together ahead and I can't help but relish and savor the knowledge that I found my soul mate. I found that one person who strikes a chord in my core. I found him.

Ahhhh, there you are

Posted by Red :: 10:46 PM :: | --------------------------------------- Moving Ahead...

I can't help feeling as if EH and are in a state of perpetual motion these days. You already know how hard we are working - but the changes go deeper than that. Some small, some large...

First of all, loving apologies to my darling husband. He asked me tonight if I needed some "alone time" (having read my post from the other day about it). The thing with EH is that I always know that I only have to ask and he'll be happy to give me space. It's another reason he is my rock.

We're now the only people living in our building, as I said, and it's now a countdown to see how long until they ask us to leave as well. It could be tomorrow, it could be months from now. Either way, a move is in our future, isn't it?

My husband comes home from work now by my side. He's dressed in sharp, sexy office attire as opposed to the days of dirty t-shirts and ragged shorts from his labor-intensive jobs. He's doing dishes at this moment and I can't help but admire this man. You see, not only is he wonderful, caring and loving but he's damned hot too...

Was it really last year that we underwent so many troubles? It seems a million years ago. For all the hopes, well wishes and threats from nasty slime balls to "move on", I finally did it in my own good time. You see, you can't rush, push (or threaten) someone to move on. It happened when I was left alone to deal with it in my own good time. It wasn't in counseling, grieving or lashing out - it was just in peace. I finally have moved on, which is wonderful, but I will always carry the scars of the experience.

The future looks bright. My office is kicking ass, EH and I are earning decent money together, my boss calls me at night just "to talk" - keeping me in the loop! - life is moving in a good direction.

What a change...so far, all good ones. I look forward to each and every day now but not NEARLY as much as I look forward to tomorrow! It's FRIDAY!!!! Damn, I need a Friday!!!

Posted by Red :: 7:41 PM :: | ---------------------------------------

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Ohhhhh, Bloggies

I'm sucking lately. Not in that extra-special good way that you know I like so much, but rather in all other areas.

My energy levels are depleted. I am just exhausted at all hours and finding insomnia becoming an issue. I'm walking about with a blank, empty expression that leads my friends and co-workers to wonder if I'm okay.

I am. Just tired.

Sleep has not come easily. I think that I am okay as long as I fall asleep before EH. If he falls asleep first, my body screams You're ALONE! Get UP! With a commute together, a job 4 feet from one another and every evening together, I find myself sitting up alone at night just for that feeling of solace...which is weird, because I love EH soooo much. It's more of a physical reaction.

I have a case of the blahs. I can't place my finger on it, but I have a few ideas.

August is a month painful to remember. Last August, I lost our baby. My water broke unexpectedly and he couldn't survive at 19 weeks. He was delivered deceased on August 28th at 6:50 am. Maybe that's a part of it?

Who knows...I just feel "off" today. PMS? Missing carbohydrates? Over-worked? Under-fucked?

*sigh*

It'll pass. I just need a little fun.

Posted by Red :: 8:00 PM :: | ---------------------------------------

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

If the Name Fits...

A moment ago, I walked out of my house, grabbed the car keys and drove away. Moments later, I returned, raced into the house past a baffled EH, threw a can of beer on the couch and darted into the bathroom. When I emerged a moment later I went straight to the coin jar, dumped a huge handful of coins into it, proceeded to the kitchen, popped the beer open, poured half into a pot and yanked up my blouse and bra, turned to EH and held out the beer with a "Ta-Daaaaaaa!"

It's probably pretty hard to keep a straight face for my poor husband. He didn't even bother to try.

It makes perfect sense to me. I wanted to make cheese fondue for work tomorrow, needed a single beer. So I ran to the corner store, bought a single can. On the ride home, my stomach began to rumble as some part of dinner didn't quite agree with me. Upon parking, I dug the gigantic wad of change from our doorjam (I've been meaning to bring it inside and add it to our jar) and raced for the bathroom. I didn't want to drop the change, so I brought it with me, did a one-handed bathroom stint and emerged to add the coins to the jar. (I'm sure EH must have wondered if I was now shitting money...) Next, I entered the kitchen, took what beer I needed and (remembering EH's joke about men's basic need being 'a beer and to see something naked') I bared my breasts and offered him the rest of the can.

This isn't normal? EH assures me it's not.

Posted by Red :: 10:50 PM :: | --------------------------------------- Little Things

It's the little things that make me love my husband as much as I do.

Don't get me wrong, I crave those grand movie gestures that make a girl go all weak-kneed, but the little things sustain.

It's the way he still opens my door every time after 10 years. Tonight, I was griping about sticking to my diet and mentioned I should go buy some carb-free items to refocus and he helped me figure out the best time to go, and even offered to make dinner so I could go. When I returned, dinner was nearly ready and he had made my brussels sprouts (which I love and he hates) just because he remembered me vaguely mentioning I wanted to have them.

It's little things. It's how he comes outside to help me carry in groceries without me having to ask.

After 10 years, I still notice the little things. I still appreciate them. I practically swooned when I noticed the brussels sprouts simmering in water on the stove at how thoughtful he was. You would have thought he had given me roses for my reaction.

I have to believe these little things are a huge part of why we're happy.

In your own searches, don't forget to notice, appreciate and do the little things...

Posted by Red :: 9:13 PM :: | --------------------------------------- Why We Work

With my bride waxing at length about our luck I have to weigh in somewhat with my take from the other side of the bed. While I concur that a fair amount of fortune is involved in a pair coming together (read our story of getting together and you will know) there is something more happening here. Not just in the blogosphere, The Odd One and myself have been held up as an example in the terrestrial real as well. Our best friends, whom we have documented with troubles, often have fights where our names come up as examples of what they want in their own lives. And at our brief tenure at work our Ops manager became engaged recently when her guy looked at us as a model of what he wanted. (Bear in mind they have been a couple for but a fortnight).

But while I think some luck is involved with two souls linking, our marriage is nearly a decade old for a reason, and I suggest primary in everything is communication. We have a rather open line of dialogue between us that is easy to evidence. Admittedly we are two completely different individuals but it is the commonalities that bond us. Look at some of the peculiar items in recent blogs that we share. I have always loved the look of a woman in a corset, and it is not purely sexual--I love the abject femine nature of it. It turned out OW was curious about it as well, and over the years we have collected some and she loves wearing them. But this was not a product of me hinting, or saying, "Why don't you even wear those?" We talked about it, and things grew from there. Same with our affection for vintage pin-up art. I love them for the paradox of innocense and sexuality, and for the retro-lounge imagry. OW as well found an affinity for this realm.

The thrust is we talk--to each other. When we go out I always see couples of varying ages, sitting quietly, even remorsely, barely speaking. The two of us don't share a car ride without a conversation, and usually with laughs. I should change one word. I don't like calling it work.

Posted by Anonymous :: 7:47 AM :: | ---------------------------------------

Monday, August 01, 2005

A Heavy Weight...

A restless night left me unfocused and feeling dull at work today. I resolve to get a much better night's rest tonight...

Blogland is a unique world. Free of first impressions and physical instincts, we are granted access to a person's heart and soul without hesitation. Secrets, fears, dreams - all are shared openly and without reserve. And people come to matter.

Jay of Jay Flying Solo (aka Jay Loves Kitti)set my mind spinning when I came home from work tonight and read his blog post of the day. He's been having some pretty major marital problems and I've been worrying over him quite a bit. Every now and then I can 'read' someone fairly well and his situation just spooks me. First, he suspects his wife of cheating and I'd be hard pressed not to agree. Her actions look way too similar to 'the pattern'. Don't forget that while I was the victim to EH's online incidents, in another life before EH, I was the biggest whore of them all. I knew how to cheat. I knew the games. I knew the moves. I was an expert. I also get fairly irritable with the situation as he describes it. His wife is a stay-at-home mom wo is supported by Jay and doesn't seem to even remotely appreciate it. Rather, she seems to feel like a prisoner.

EH and I are really lucky. We laugh a lot, we indulge in passionate moments, we play, we work, we thrive. Don't get me wrong, sometimes we irritate each other but it's pretty even sailing. Many people that know EH and I have admitted to feeling envy and I can't help but feel just a little guilty. This relationship isn't some product of hard work - it's pure luck. I found the one. That's it. I do believe that one special person is out there for everyone and I do believe in NOT settling, but I also don't want to be the influence for a divorce. Who the hell am I anyway? Just some girl who got lucky. That's it. I don't deserve this one bit more than anyone else.

Not all relationships can be the same. EH and I are fairly well matched. Although we are independent in our own ways, we spend much more time together than the average couple. I'm "difficult" (and well aware of it) and EH has the patience of a saint. We just work.

I am the type of person who has three speeds with other humans. I love you. I hate you. I am indifferent to you. There's nothing halfway about me. I very rarely hate a person. There are a grand total of two assholes that I wish would curl up and die in the most horrible imaginable way and they both know exactly how I feel and why. (Assholes). But I grow extremely fond of people very easily.

There are a couple of male bloggers who just speak to me and are hurting... Jay is one of them. He's such a damned nice guy with so much to offer a girl. He writes so passionately about his wife that even I feel a twinge of envy wishing EH would wax poetic over me that way. I wish it only took a thong in the bedroom to make him go crazy. I wear thongs pretty much 24-7 along with corsets, camisoles, thigh-high's and fishnets and EH is just accustomed to it. It certainly wouldn't make him ravage me in my sleep. Jay's the kind of guy I would love to sit back and have a cocktail with and talk for hours. (No worries, EH knows I easily befriend men without necessarily seducing them).

Sunset Man is another. I haven't figured it out with him yet. Something in his tone just relaxes me and makes me want to talk to him as well. He's looking to rekindle a spark in his marriage and I have this feeling he could easily do it. He just comes across as a sexy, fun, playful and open man who is having a hard time.

My other male bloggers on my links are all great guys. There's not a one that doesn't strike me as a "great guy" but the ones I singled out just seem to "speak" to me more often than not. They're the guys I want to buy a beer for and listen to.

If you're on my blog list, there's a damned good reason. It's easy. I like you. I like what you have to say and cherish your comments and I listen to what you have to say. How many times has Rosie or Ed given me advice and I swear, I actually listened? How many times have I felt encouraged or shared a 'virtual laugh' over Midwestern City Boy's remarks? How many times do I just want to hug Amateur Dad? And Rob, he's like the voice of my conscience most days.


I've digressed...a lot. I'm rambling at this point.

Two points here...One, I'm uncomfortable having Jay see something in my life that dramatically changes his. I'm nobody's role model, trust me. And two, I need you to know how much you matter to me. Because you do. You really do.

...and if I were single...I'd be looking for Mr. Right in Blogland because some of the best men in the world are right here. But, alas, in lieu of a love affair, I'm always available to be a friend.

And if any of you should ever just need to talk, I'm going to be there.

What a scattered babbling post this turned into. Call it stream of consciousness from an odd, odd mind.

Posted by Red :: 7:03 PM :: | ---------------------------------------