Thursday, May 12, 2005

An Open Letter to Me from Me

Dear Me,

Congratulations on making it through a full day at work today! I know it was damned hard. I saw your moments of tears, saw you struggle and saw you ultimately make it. And damned, if you didn't begin to feel better, didn't you? It's not entirely a spot of pride, because you didn't really fight for the good in the day, did you? You were too immersed in suffering and feeling awful to try to make it positive.

Let's face it, you've done this to yourself. I'm not going to sugar coat this because you need this kick in the ass. You're a fucking pain in the ass. You were told about high blood pressure SIX YEARS AGO and you never took it seriously for more than a week. You smoked, you reacted to every stress you could find in life, you thrived in chaos. You avoided doctors, you neglected meds. Fuck, the blood pressure pills you're taking now are from a prescription given to you in September and never filled. So, now you're looking at death. Well, you fucking brought it on, didn't you? Why? They told you that your heart was enlarged years ago. So, now it's failing - and, what? You're surprised? Why?

What's it going to be? Are you going to live or die?

And you spoiled, selfish bitch - putting your family through this. Last night, when EH kept holding you close in his sleep and whispering to you to "not go anywhere" you could hear the worry in his voice. It was unfair to put him in this place. It was fucking cruel to do this to your husband and daughter. There are friends and family who care about you for no reason other than they DO - and they deserve more fucking effort from you.

I'm thinking some major changes need to take place in your life...should you decide to live, you dumb bitch, I mean. Sorry for all the name calling, but I am extremely fucking angry with you.

It's time to focus a bit more on love, happiness and peace and a bit less on drama. It's time to stop being a fucking brat and live a life to be proud of.

It's time to stop fucking around and put forth some real effort. It's time to stop controlling people around you. Tonight, when EH was on the computer for 20 minutes, you had to fucking hold your hand over your own mouth to stop yourself from saying or doing things to get his attention. It wasn't cute, you pain in the ass, it was a desperate cry for MORE FUCKING ATTENTION. Let poor EH alone! The man needs a break from your antics! He's exhausted from you being sick, hurt, suffering, dying, whining or just plain attention-whoring.

Odd Wife, wake the fuck up. I'm so angry with you for your behavior, but I'm going to love you and forgive you too. You've been a very, very bad girl and the time for change has come.

You have a life, a remarkably different and new life to work on. One where you're going to fight to find the good instead of seeing the bad first and foremost. One where you're going to find and enjoy peace and happiness without forcing it into being.

Your new life is waiting for you to step into it. Get off your ass and make something of yourself. Go make your family and friends happy. Go think about someone else first for a change. Get off your fucking soapbox, spotlight, walk of fame and step into a world that doesn't fucking revolve around you.

And if you should decide not to make the changes...then you fucking deserve the misery that lies ahead. Go be a better person.

I know you can do this. Even if you're not especially worth it at the moment, EH and SG are - and they deserve a lot more from you. Give it to them starting right NOW.

Love,
Me

Posted by Red :: 9:55 PM :: | ---------------------------------------