Sunday, May 15, 2005

Don't Go Breaking My Heart

I picked a big fight with EH tonight. I bitched about him not having a job that helps support this family, about our lacking sex life, about the time he spends on the computer...

I let it all out.

And now, later, when it's quiet - I think the person I am really angry with is me.

I'm in heart failure. Fluids are filling up in my body, breathing is becoming frequently painful, simple things like combing my hair leave my muscles aching as if I had lifted 80 lb weights for 20 minutes non-stop. Walking from my door to my car tires me out. My knees feel filled with fluid. My emotions are all over the place.

Am I dying?

I honestly have no idea what happens next. There will be a serious doctor meeting this week. I'll know more after Wednesday.

I don't see EH as being in a position to take care of himself and SG if something happens to me and I think that's a huge part of my anger. I'm also angry because I need time off of work to deal with this health situation and can't take it. My job is what keeps us surviving and they can't tolerate extended absences - I genuinely think if I take the time off, I could be let go. And that would be disastrous for my family...right down to the health insurance I need so badly.

Tonight, I really wanted EH to leave. I didn't want him here with me anymore. I didn't want him going through any of this with me. I yelled, I begged him to leave, I raged at him.

He's sleeping in bed upstairs. He never listens.

I just wanted to be left alone. I think I still do. I don't know. Like I said, emotions all over the place. I love him, but I can't deal with anything right now. I'm angry.

Last night, I had a terrible dream. We were riding in a car with our labrador retriever and for some reason decided we couldn't have him anymore. So, we opened a steak, threw it out of the car and opened the door and let him out into the traffic stopped at a red light. A car beside us immediately opened the door and took him in. We're really attached to our fur-baby, so this bothered me quite a bit. Our dog is obsessed with loving us. He will ignore all other dogs, food, anything to shower us with love and affection. His mission in life is to simply love us. He's a good dog.

I wonder what my dream meant?

We sure aren't letting him go. We took him to Dog Park today and let him play at Dog Beach. He loves to run and leap into the water. Here's a tribute to my fur-baby.

As you can see, he's a very smart dog.


*** Note: That's SG snorkeling underneath him...


Afterwards, a tired and content ride home...

Posted by Red :: 3:27 AM :: | ---------------------------------------