Wednesday, May 04, 2005

Death

Did you ever think,
When a hearse goes by,
That one of these days
You are going to die?

Did you ever truly worry about your own death? A moment where you though "is this it?"

I am. Worrying about death. Worrying about my death. I keep thinking I am dying.

I'm suffering from a multitude of problems between the abcess infection, the medications and my blood pressure problems. The antibiotics make me sick and raise my blood pressure. The Vicodin puts me to sleep, yet somehow still raises my blood pressure. The blood pressure pills aren't working properly. I've had a solid discomfort in the center of my chest for the past 2 days. Yesterday, my blood pressure was 193/123. I've had heart problems for years and years. I told EH I thought I would have a heart attack.

It took nearly 4 times the regular dosage of blood pressure medication to lower my pressure yesterday. Plus an additional pill (hydrochlorathyazide).

And I have to admit, I really start to wonder if I will die today, tonight, tomorrow?

My pressure is already climbing today and my head is pounding and that damned knot in my chest is back. I need a new primary care physician to help me with my blood pressure. The one I have now is a moron. He took blood from me 6 months ago to run some tests. I still don't have results. Idiot. I fainted in his office when they drew the blood and he helped me to my car and closed up his office for the night...while I sat, afraid to drive, in an empty parking lot.

I'm tired, cranky and annoyed with taking 27 pills a day to regulate the migraines, nausea, tooth pain, blood pressure and fatigue. I wish it were Friday. I wish the surgery was today. I wish I was on the road to recovery.

But after this, another battle. My heart problems. And after that, another battle - the mammogram. I am dreading going for it because I am sure it will show something. No, I don't feel a lump. But between my medical history and my family's history...

I have a lot to live for. Every second with EH and SG is well worth any effort to live. So why am I suddenly obsessed with death?

The worms crawl in, the worms crawl out...

Posted by Red :: 7:55 AM :: | ---------------------------------------