Saturday, March 05, 2005

Thin Blood

They say that blood is thicker than water, so I can only assume that my family has some mighty thin blood in their veins.

I’ve ranted on this subject before and it seems time for another round.

My mother and I used to be extremely close. 3-4 calls a day, spending time together on a weekly basis, sharing thoughts, feelings, ideas, news…

No more. These days any call with her lasts 4 minutes or less before she cuts it off sharply and I’m the idiot dialing her rather than the other way around.

What changed? She did. About a year ago she suddenly left my step-father, moved in with a boyfriend and has become a person I no longer recognize. She got breast implants. She grew her hair out and dyed it dark. She packed 20 pounds on her normally underweight frame and she maintains a strict diet and workout routine guaranteed to put the extra pounds on her hips. She went from normal Caucasian woman to a pseudo-latina complete with latin boyfriend.

In one of our 30 second conversations this week, she mentioned that they are talking marriage.

My stepfather, as I’ve said before, has disappeared from my life entirely. Depression and alcohol and a recluse behavior. He won’t answer his phone. He called me once last year when I lost the baby.

Where did my family go?

It’s recently occurred to me that I’m an idiot for even trying to contact my mother. Every time I manage to reach her, it’s a huge let down. We talk for 45 seconds like complete strangers and then she makes some excuse to hang up.

It’s time to stop calling her. And to stop answering the few phone calls she makes to me. If she’s not up to being a mother, then she can just disappear like my father (step) and we can all just move on without the pretense. Trying to maintain a relationship with her has just failed at every turn and I feel that she does me more harm than good with her arms-length half-hearted loving.

Bye Mom. Thanks for the way things were, but I’m angry at the way things are now. I’ve watched you cut dozens of family members out of your life throughout my childhood, leaving me with no relations to speak of and now I feel you severing the tie between us.

Only this time, I’m cutting it first. I wonder if you’ll notice?

Posted by Red :: 10:20 PM :: | ---------------------------------------