Thursday, March 31, 2005

This Wasted Week

How on earth did it get to be Thursday? Monday through Wednesday are but a blur to me...

It looks like the weekend plans to do nothing may be at least partially scrapped or altered. S, my best friend's husband - and my dear friend by his own volition, turned 50 today with nary a balloon to mark the day. He was mighty depressed when I conversed with him in emails this morning and I worked fast to right the wrong. His wife, M, had held a family (us too) dinner for him last weekend with a cake and called it even - but then forgot to even wish him a happy day today. He was in a state. I managed to get him out to lunch with us for a bit of sushi and then talked her into a night out for him this weekend...with strings.

She hates going out alone with him because he likes to drink and dance and, basically party, and that's just not her style. She prefers to have EH and I along as buffers. So...we must go as well. And S seems to prefer it this way also. So, Saturday night I am now obligated to drink and dance as opposed to relax. I'm not sure if I am disappointed or looking forward to it.

With hectic schedules, minor stomach ailments and obligations, sex has become a distant memory to me. I'm not even going to tell you how long it has been because I will completely lose your respect as a sexual woman. All I can say, is that this needs to be addressed or both EH and I might go insane. Last night I had to turn him down because he waited until midnight to approach me after writing all night and I was already drifting to sleep in anticipation of a majorly hectic day. With any luck, he has learned his lesson and will jump my bones early tonight.

EH continues to submit writings in search of paid freelance work. He also came up with a screenplay idea which shocks me since he's always sworn to stay away from scripts (even though he took a course on script writing and his was selected as the best). Interesting if I can get him to write it...we have a lot of producer friends.

Speaking of movies, there are whispers that my movie will be released soon...my premier and final performance where i got to share a scene with Dyan Cannon and Michael Nouri, et al. I decided that my love for the film industry is solely for the production/pre-production sides and that being ON camera is NOT something I enjoy. Actors and actresses deserve every penny they get - that job seriously sucks.

I'm hoping to make it to the beach this weekend, but hesitant to go...there are thousands of sharks migrating and they keep closing beaches because of them. Sharks scare the hell out of me and I know EH would try to get close to them. I do want to get a bit of color though...hmm...

More than that, I need a little physical attention.

Posted by Red :: 5:29 PM :: | ---------------------------------------

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Just Wednesday...

Work remains crazy. Last night I left almost on time and was shocked to discover there was daylight outside still. I went home and painted while watching TV and cuddling sporadically with EH. Perfect. Peaceful. I had forgotten how much I love to paint. I'm not good, it just relaxes me to play. I think it's funny to paint pictures and frame them and hang them up. I don't care how awful they are, I still take pride in my "art".

Going to sleep, snuggled close, EH whispering to me how much he loves me and how happy he is to be with me. Lovely.

My dad is calling an emergency family meeting next week when he returns from a weekend getaway. I freaked him out by telling him about 3 psychic predictions I had heard about (the first being the December tsunami, the 2nd being the earthquake on Monday) and he wants to put 'just-in-case' plans into motion because the 3rd prediction is for the volcanic eruption of the Canary Islands volcano which should trigger the largest tsunami ever to wipe out Florida. A little alarmist, but he wants to protect everyone. I think the menfolk are having visions of being Armageddon-esque heroes.

It's Hump Day and with a little luck, I'll manage to celebrate it properly tonight.

A few world observations for you...

A Czech prisoner locked up on theft charges has been freed and allowed to go back home to his wife after getting a permanent erection...is it wrong that I find this sexy???

Billy shaves his testicles (actual headline, I swear) - this just makes him sexier at fifty!!!

A Shanghai online game player stabbed to death a competitor who sold his cyber-sword, the China Daily said Wednesday, creating a dilemma in China where no law exists for the ownership of virtual weapons...people need new hobbies. Here's a hint - if you can't make your REAL world work, don't expect to escape into cyber-existance.

Four male models who appeared in an ad campaign against domestic violence are suing New York City, saying the posters stayed up beyond the agreed time, leading people to think they really were wife beaters...I swear, I saw this on an episode of Friends with Joey posing for a VD ad entitled "What Mario isn't telling you".

Many Americans are so sleepy that they are having problems in their marriages, making mistakes at work and even going without sex, according to a report released on Tuesday...I am officially reducing my bedtime to 8 pm and taking naps daily.

---and with that, off to work!

Posted by Red :: 7:35 AM :: | ---------------------------------------

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Where the Heart is

With my work schedule reaching new levels of hectic and my job responsibilities quadrupling by the day, I find myself thinking about the things I really want to do.

The last few weekends have been a hectic mix of “have to” and “should do” for us. One day typically spent on something for SG – like Wannado City, the zoo, Easter, etc and one day fulfilling obligations – either social, work or holiday preparations.

A whirlwind pace, to be sure.

What I really want is stillness. Quiet. Peace. I want an afternoon spent tidying up the house and watching stupid movies. I want to plop on the couch beside EH and laugh over something. I want to cuddle up beside him and put my head on his shoulder and feel him breathe. I want to wake up side by side to the sounds of birds, not the alarm clock. I want to nap. I want to stretch.

When SG was a baby, money was even more scarce than it is now. EH and I had no hopes of a vacation. I remember a few weekends where we invented our own vacation.

We went to the local farmers produce stand and stocked up on exotic and juicy fruits. We grabbed some groceries and headed home where we mixed up fruity daiquiris, slathered on coconut lotion and went to the apartment pool to sunbathe to the sounds of steel drums. We pretended we were on some island. When the sun set, we’d head for our tiny apartment and try out some Caribbean recipe together in the kitchen. Those are still my favorite memories.

I’ve never needed elaborate, expensive vacations. Only EH.

That’s how I would like to spend my weekend this weekend. Maybe we’ll have a picnic in the park down the street and later, come home and turn the lights down low and pour some martinis – let EH light up a cigar and play the velvet voice of Sinatra while we cuddle close and talk about our dreams. Maybe we’ll clear the living room, rent a funny family movie and spread a blanket and some pillows and have a picnic in the living room while laughing together. Perhaps we’ll revisit our tropical roots by strolling the beach, lounging on the sand, snorkeling and having a cookout there before coming home to rub aloe on our sun reddened skin.

Whatever it is, I’m counting down the minutes. I already have everything I need. He’s 6’6, 225 lbs with aqua green eyes and dark hair. He has a killer smile and when he puts his arms around me it doesn’t matter where we are…I’m in heaven.

Posted by Red :: 7:21 AM :: | ---------------------------------------

Monday, March 28, 2005

Brace Yourself...

8.5 earthquake just hit Indonesia (Sumatra).

Posted by Red :: 11:33 PM :: | --------------------------------------- Somebody hit the pause button, please?

I just need to catch my breath. That's all. Maybe sleep for an hour. Maybe just sit in one place and collect my thoughts.

I feel abstract. I've been on the run for the past 3 weeks without a break and working until past 7 pm or so, including some weekends to catch up with our super-busy workload. I'm managing, but I feel like the strain is cracking me under the surface.

I've made EH swear that this coming weekend we will do nothing. Just sit home, tidy up, watch tv, maybe nap. NO PLANS!

On a side note, we went to see Be Cool this weekend. EH is the film critic, but let me just try my hand at it for a moment...

"It sucked".

There. That's not so hard.

Easter was nice, we did our unique twist to it by calling it "Feliz dey los ouevas" which I am positive I misspelled, mispronounced and mistranslated, but it was still fun. Basically, we decided to have a mexican feast for a meal and that was that. We celebrate Easter with my best friend and her family each year (they're my adopted family) and the kids had a big egg hunt and swam all day.

It's all been nice, I'm just too worn out to enjoy anything else until I rest.

Just 5 minutes. Pause, please!

Posted by Red :: 7:34 AM :: | ---------------------------------------

Thursday, March 24, 2005

Divorced Again

And just like that, he is gone.

My mother’s divorce became final today and the man who raised me and who I looked at as a father became of no relation to me. My stepfather is no more.

If there was still a relationship, it would be different, however when my mother moved out he became a recluse who shunned any communication with anyone – family, friends and me.

The last time we spoke was when I was in the hospital, having just lost the baby. After that, nothing.

He doesn’t answer the phone and doesn’t return any calls. I’ve sent cards, but they’ve gone unresponded to. When my birthday passed, there was nothing. When my daughter’s birthday passed, there was nothing.

He was my stepdad for 27 years. My biological father has always been a lackluster relationship at best and I truly considered my stepdad to be my true father.

I wanted to call him “Dad”. But when I was 7 years old I was riding in a car with my biological father and his friends and we passed the department store my stepdad managed and I excitedly chattered that “my Dad works there!” to which one of the hoodlum friends remarked “If my kid said that about another man I would beat that guys ass”. I was horrified. I genuinely feared my stepdad could be harmed and made it a point to never slip again.

People come and go rather easily in my life and this is just another example. It’s another piece of me that’s missing now.

My daughter never asks, but seems to wonder where her grandpa disappeared to. I hate that she’s forming the same conclusions I was left with…that family doesn’t necessarily stick together and that blood is not thicker than water.

Both of my biological parents are in the stage of remarriage. With the ink hardly dry on the divorce papers, my mother is talking about marrying her new boyfriend – a man I hardly know and my father’s marrying his girlfriend later this year. This will be a 3rd marriage for both of them. My father’s 2nd wife was dumped when she was diagnosed with a crippling and terminal illness.

In my family, it’s not just family that doesn’t last…marriages are fairly fickle as well. Is it any wonder that I so often worry about my own marriage? I know how much I love my husband, but last year’s incident cost me every ounce of faith I had in us. I don’t doubt our love, but I do doubt our future together.

Because in my world, people come and go as if there were a swinging door to the heart and love is just something people say for a little while before they find something better.

Posted by Red :: 7:30 AM :: | --------------------------------------- Apologies

My apologies for lackluster posting right now. My office is booming with business and I’m putting in 10-12 hour days and some weekends too.

I didn’t get to report on the fun we had last Saturday exploring MetroZoo and later our ghost hunt through an 80 year old stunning hotel that looks like the shining. It was a blast… I’ll try to tell that story another day soon!

We’re all working hard and feeling enormous pressure – but not without satisfaction as well. The company owners and co-workers are much like a small family who are incredibly supportive of one another. One note of immense pride: during this spring break week, my daughter has accompanied me to work each day (she didn’t like her school’s mini camp). At my office, you are always welcome to bring your child to work with you. My bosses have raved about what a terrific kid she is. She’s quiet, self-sufficient, respectful and helpful. When other kids run and shout and act up, they tolerate it – but I’ve received heaps of praise on what a special little girl we have.

…we’ve always thought so too!

Posted by Red :: 6:55 AM :: | ---------------------------------------

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

How to Make a Chocolate Easter Bunny

Posted by Red :: 3:54 PM :: | ---------------------------------------

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Give Me Jelly Bellies or I'll Throtle you!!!

I'm Not sure what to make of this--maybe they should back off the sugar? Just think what might happen if they alowed the Christian story of Easter in schools.

Posted by Anonymous :: 6:40 PM :: | --------------------------------------- Dear Parent/Guardian,

How well do you know your children?

Do you know if they're well liked at school? Do you know if they're the target of bullies? Do you know if they're an outcast?

Do you know what your child does for lunch?

Do you know how your child gets along with teachers at their school? Do you know if your child finished their math homework? Do you know when the next English test is? Do you know if they studied?

Do you know whether or not your child is hurting inside? Do you know if they're contemplating harming themself or someone else?

Do you know how your child feels? Do you know what thoughts fill their head? Do you know how they spend their free time? Do you know if they need help?

I drive my 9 year old insane with my questions and I never let her answer with "I don't know" or "I forget". Before she goes to bed I know what she had for lunch in the cafeteria, what her favorite part of the day was and who she likes and who bothers her in school. I know when her tests are and whether or not she studied. I know if her homework is done. I know if she's being teased.

Talk to your children. Talk to them ALL THE TIME.

How does a parent or guardian not know their child is suffering? How do you know know your child needs help?

You must have a relationship with your child. You must interact with them. You must push them to communicate sometimes, but you must open up a dialogue.

Do you know who your child is?

Posted by Red :: 7:42 AM :: | ---------------------------------------

Monday, March 21, 2005

The Five People You Meet in Heaven

At the desk in my home where I sit to write this is a faded and aged index card. It has sat on my desk for months now. EH doesn’t ask about it, though he surely sees it where it lies in plain sight. There’s a recipe scrawled on it. A recipe I have no interest in preparing. I just like the card. My grandmother wrote this. She passed away in 1996 and we were very close. I like seeing her familiar writing sometimes. It brings her back to me in a small way.

I just finished reading The Five People You Meet in Heaven, by Mitch Albom. It was wonderful, very inspirational. It tells the story of a man who dies and the five people that he meets in heaven, each one with their own connection to his life and their own wisdom to impart.

So many parts of the book moved me.

The Blue Man held out his hand. “Fairness,” he said, “does not govern life and death. If it did, no good person would ever die young.”

I thought of Jessica Marie Lunsford as I read that passage and it sank in. I am consumed with my sense of balance and fairness. Life is not fair. We’ve heard it so many times, but understanding it is another step.

Marguerite says: ”All weddings,” she said happily. “That was my choice. A world of weddings behind every door. Oh, Eddie, it never changes, when the groom lifts the veil, when the bride accepts the ring, the possibilities you see in their eyes, it’s the same around the world. They truly believe their love and their marriage is going to break all the records.”

She smiled. “Do you think we had that?”

Our wedding was small and simple. We hardly noticed. We somehow managed to escape the notions of miles of tulle and white lights and flowers in our rush to say “I do”. The night was a blur but for two moments. One, I shared in another post was our first dance as husband and wife. The second is my stepmother’s voice overheard in conversation with someone else as EH and I stood together greeting our family and friends as husband and wife.

She said, “I’ve never seen her smile like that…”

People say they “find” love, as if it were an object hidden by a rock. But love takes many forms, and it is never the same for any man and woman. What people find then is a certain love.

I loved before I loved EH, but it paled in comparison. However much love and tenderness there was seems insignificant with what I came to have in EH. A love that is accepting and open and encouraging. A love that is so much more than I knew there could be.

And a love that continues to grow with me, in me, because of me and sometimes in spite of me.

It’s going to be a lovely life…

I wonder who the five people would be that I would meet. I wonder if I will be on of the five you would meet.

What lesson would we impart to one another?

In the book, Ruby’s words were the most meaningful of all to me. I won’t type them here. If you wonder, you’ll read it yourself.

Posted by Red :: 6:34 AM :: | ---------------------------------------

Saturday, March 19, 2005

Rest in Peace, Sweet Girl...

I'm sorry I was quiet Friday. The person of interest in the Jessica Marie Lunsford case has confessed to her abduction and murder and led police to her body...a mere 150 yards from her home.

I've removed the "Bring Jessica Home" ribbon from my template. She's home now. Her family is grappling with the next phase of their nightmare and my heart goes out to them.

Jessica's father, Mark, had some poigniant words to parents on the official website. He urges you to hug and kiss your children often.

I'm urging you too. They are a most precious gift that could never be replaced should it be lost.

Posted by Red :: 2:16 AM :: | ---------------------------------------

Thursday, March 17, 2005

Luck of the Irish

Happy St. Patrick's Day! I've got enough Irish in me to celebrate along with the masses, although it wouldn't stop me if I didn't! But I wouldn't mind a nice dose of that old Irish luck now!

EH continues to battle his cold. He's been grouchy, tired and withdrawn for almost a week. I want him to feel better before I have to strangle him.

It's interesting to take a look at life today versus life one year ago. Last year, at this time, I couldn't stand to be alone in the same room with EH (not that there was much chance of that, he worked every day, all day and night) - we had become strangers. In light of that, and the ensuing drama, it's a wonder that we turned it around the way we have.

I've received loads of emails from wives who experienced situations similar to ours and they always ask me how I survived it. They're still at that point where it feels like your heart might never mend and I feel for them. I have always responded pretty much the same. "luck", "patience", "one day at a time" and "I don't know".

Today, I can honestly say that I can see past it all. I no longer feel the pain the same way. In the back of my mind is still the memory of what happened and I don't think I trust quite the same...but the hurt has subsided. And truthfully, I don't feel anger towards the other woman anymore either. In truth, she didn't exist for EH...he didn't know her. She was a voice to a fantasy in his mind. The actual woman herself was and is a stranger to him. Now, I don't particularly like her, but the irony is that the reason I feel that way has much more to do with the wars she and I have waged against one another than with her involvement with my husband. But even there, I understand - even if I don't like. Make sense?

Big blarney stone kisses to the Greenies of blogland. Work is busy as ever and I must get back to it. Lunch breaks seem shorter every day!

Posted by Red :: 1:11 PM :: | --------------------------------------- Hopes...

Wherever you turn for spiritual intervention - be it prayer, meditation, etc., please offer up hopes that Jessica is found unharmed (see today's latest)

Posted by Red :: 12:03 PM :: | ---------------------------------------

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

A call for advice

***sigh***

Just when you think people have moved forward...

From time to time I do search engine vanity checks on my name and EH's name. If you don't regularly do these yourself, you need to start. Especially if you have children old enough to go online.

Today, at the very tippy top of the 20 or so items attached to my name in Google is an entry into the OTHER WOMAN's blog in which she posts my full name and then proceeds to post snippets that she says EH emailed to her about me. It was at the height of the battle between she and I and this was her way of trying to strike out at me.

Though I've had nothing nice to say about this woman, at no point did I post her full name or phone number, etc. And I do have access to this information. With as many ideas as I have entertained of how to hurt and humiliate this woman HALF as much as she (and EH) did me, I've never actually done them.

Suggestions? It wouldn't be at the top if it weren't being accessed. My daughter knows how to look things up on Google - does my 9 year old really have to be exposed to this nonsense again? My mother-in-law (EH's mother) has recently become computer literate - does she have to read the tales of her son?

I really don't want to fight anymore. I've moved on. But when it comes to protecting my family's privacy...can you really turn away from a threat to that?

Posted by Red :: 4:39 PM :: | --------------------------------------- Nods All Around

A nod to Jay Loves Kitti for expanding on one of my rants into a post I wholeheartedly agree with. The oversexed female bloggers. I'm not suggesting they're fibbing...okay, maybe I suggested that a little, but come on! I'm infamous for a voracious appetite and high sex drive and even I'm worn out just reading it all! Sex is great, we should ALL discuss it - but there are other topics too!

I got a nod of my own last night. EH was picking me up and ran into the owner of the company I work for. He stopped EH and told him I was doing "gangbusters" and "a GREAT job". On top of the unexpected "special" bonus they gave me last week, I'm feeling pretty good about work!

A nod to my darling EH who feels like crap. He's battling a flu-like thing and has been run down and exhausted and withdrawn. Between that and our crazy schedule we're officially at 1 week and 2 days without sex. Life is hardly worth living, eh sex crazed blog-babes??? I admit, I'm feeling neglected. Just a little.

A nod to my central florida buddies who responded so quick to my email. Turns out their group has officially incorporated and they are busy making films and videos. They were excited to hear we were trying to join their community and apparently had been trying to reach us for months. Unfortunately, I changed up emails, phone numbers and whatnot after EH's dalliance to cut off communications from the overzealous and they had no idea how to find us. It's nice to be back on track.

A nod to the Gods for teasing me with the ridiculous. The live-in nurse that robbed my landlady called her last night. Spoke of suicide attempts, fleeing the state and so forth until my landlady FELT SORRY FOR HER and in the course of urging her to turn herself in ALSO OFFERED TO TESTIFY IN HER DEFENSE. I blasted her for that one. If she is going to defend this slimeball, then what happened must not be so bad and I can stop racing home from work at breakneck speed to take care of her and cook for her and buy her groceries. I'm $159 out in the past 4 days on her groceries alone that I can't really afford...and she's DEFENDING THIS WOMAN? Argh... Tonight I am telling her in no uncertain terms that I will not continue to try to fill in as caregiver if she is going to defend this woman. We're exhausted from the 27 phone calls we get a day. We're broke from her soy butter, soy milk, soy soy. We're tired from the 2 am "I've fallen and I can't get up!" phone calls (Why are you getting out of bed at 2 am? Go to sleep!) We're stressed from racing home to feed her. We're annoyed that we can't leave the house to spend any time together because she 'needs us nearby'. Ack! Ack! Argh! #%@&%^!*^&%$^%*!())!*~!!!! And your little dog too!

A nod to M who looks a bit perkier today. Dumbass is out of town, which could explain the cheerier disposition.

A nod to Dumbass himself who is about to turn 50 in the next 2 weeks and will officially be as old as my parents. I love reminding him of that. "You could be my father!" LOL.

A nod to SG who continues to be the cutest, smartest child ever.

A nod to me...I went low-carb again today. I've had no caffeine. I can't promise there won't be a hostage situation near the soda machine, but I'm really trying.

...and of course a nod to you, just because you're here and reading!

Posted by Red :: 10:05 AM :: | ---------------------------------------

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Because I love you...

...and I like to see you smile!

Some things to make you giggle, laugh, guffaw or chortle.

Like watching things get shredded?

Feeling productive today? Why not shoot the sheep?

Fucking show-off...

Ahem...too stupid for ONE woman, much less two.

Not so much funny, funny - but I am SO excited about this!!!

Well, Jeepers! Shaggy and Scooby really got to the bottom of this one! (Here's the before story)


***And to that one person, you know who you are. Excellent rebuttal post. I'm fair enough to offer that much.

Posted by Red :: 1:11 PM :: | --------------------------------------- The Depression of M

My best friend, who I shall call M, is depressed and I am helpless to change it.

Depression scares me. Last year, my mother was depressed for the 500th time and tried to take her own life. So, I take depression very seriously.

I don’t think M would kill herself. She loves her children way too much to even consider it seriously. But what I do see is her withdrawing and suffering needlessly.

It has long since been proven that changes in hormone levels can cause depressions. There is a veritable array of colorful pills to combat this imbalance and restore a person’s sense of well-being. I see no shame in taking a medication of this nature, although I do wonder at the growing dependence of our society on chemical solutions. Still, I wish she’d talk to a doctor.

She refuses, slightly bemused at my suggestion.

“I’ll be fine,” she tells me.

“But, if you had pain – like back pain or a headache, you would take something for it, right?”

“I don’t know,” she replies tonelessly.

“Yes, you would. You know you would. You hit me up for Excedrin migraine the day before yesterday.”

She shrugs.

I know her. She’s not going to a doctor.

I’m confused by this. She’s miserable. Sleeping all day on the weekends. Stumbling miserably through work. Gazing around her unhappily and entertaining bizarre thoughts like wishing for Armageddon. (She had a whole explanation for why this would be a good thing).

Her home life is unhappy. How many times have you heard me talk about her getting a divorce? She hasn’t. She won’t. Her husband said to her “Why can’t you be more like Odd Wife” and I wanted to punch him. What a stupid thing to say. He really wants to change this brainy, brilliant, serene ad sunshiney blonde with a Penthouse centerfold body into a whiny, sarcastic, bitchy red head who thinks anything with sequins or rhinestones is better? Why? I think what he meant was that he wished she would (1) have more fun in life (she tends to deprive herself of fun) and (2) be more affectionate and playful with him the way I am with EH. So, what dumbass should have said is “Honey, I want to see you having more fun and enjoying life a bit more…and enjoying me a bit more!” Instead, he not only insulted her, but he put everyone in a rather awkward position.

EH has to wonder if dumbass is scoping out his wife. Odd Wife is flattered, but feels really uncomfortable around M and dumbass. M is pissed because she’s made to feel as if she’s not measuring up and as if her dumbass husband is wishing he was with me. Dumbass has inadvertently created and impossible social situation between us all.

M just wants to be M. She tells me this while apologizing and saying that she really likes me as a person, she just doesn’t want to have to BE me. (Believe me, I have days that I wish I wasn’t me.)

And meanwhile, M is sad. She feels stuck in a rut. When I feel this way, I do a makeover, cut my hair, dye my hair, change my makeup…but that is me, and we have already established that M and I are radically different girls.

“You need to take some time just for you and do some things that you want to do, not have to do”

M just shrugs again. She’s not even paying attention anymore. She knows I’m right, but she’s trapped beneath 47 layers of misery, apathy, lethargy and something else that ends in ‘y’ and sounds bad.

I fix her lunch, like usual. I always bring her leftovers and prepare a lunch for us both to share. I threaten to start adding secret ingredients…garlic, salt, Paxil, oregano, Wellbutrin…I tell her she can’t be certain that the spaghetti she’s eating isn’t “Happy Spaghetti”.

M smiles. It’s a small smile, but a smile. She even chuckles a little. She’s still in there somewhere.

But I’ll love her even through this. Even though she’s been a crank lately and even though I feel like she’ll snap and jump down my throat at any moment.

Because that’s real friendship. I might not be able to help her until she’s ready to be helped in some way, but I can be there. And for now, that might be enough.

But I still worry...

Posted by Red :: 7:29 AM :: | ---------------------------------------

Monday, March 14, 2005

Hmmm...

Do you ever see signs? Little hints from life telling you which way to turn?

I think they're starting to show up all around me.

As you know, EH and I have been longing to move to central Florida, the Orlando area-ish. We have no real solid basis for this decision - we're just tired of South Florida and looking for something more affordable (housing in our area is CRAZY!!! $350,000+ for a small, dumpy house) and something a bit more quiet/suburban.

Yesterday, while watching a Project Greenlight marathon, it occured to us...we know people in Orlando. Friends. Colleagues. People who we need to be close to. Film makers, writers, producer friends. Friends with Emmy Awards. Friends who could guide EH. I did mention EH is a freelance writer - did I also mention he's a film critic?

So, that was a 'duh!' moment. I've already emailed them to let them know we're trying to become neighbors.

And, EH and I are very active in film festivals - and one of the best in Florida is in that area.

Something tells me EH needs to be there to get his career jumpstarted.

We all came down with colds yesterday and spent the entire day lying prone, watching TV and napping. I feel asleep and had an incredibly vivid dream in which EH and I were working on a movie. We both crave this industry and we both want to work in our own capacities...I'm fascinated with the pre-production and production side and EH would be great with something more artistic. I dreamt we were on location, in an RV and setting up the necessary details to make it happen. I woke up knowing EH needs to get to that area soon.

Last night I had great trouble sleeping. At one point I heard a car and jumped to check and saw a car with 4 black young men idling in front of my front door. The front passenger got out and began walking towards my landlady's door and I ran downstairs and grabbed my cell phone - ready for trouble (it WAS 4:45 am!) and they left in a hurry. I wonder what that was about. I could swear I have seen them before...

When I did sleep, I dreamt again. This time of flying. On a broomstick. It felt so wonderful and free and I was showing everyone how I could do it.

Posted by Red :: 9:47 AM :: | ---------------------------------------

Saturday, March 12, 2005

Capping Our Week

Yes, here we sit as the kids run rampant, living their adult dreams. Our little one has spent the bulk of the morning instructing us how she wants to be left to her own. Thus we have been reduced to waging a battle of words while ensconsed in the adult pariah room.

Truthfully this is a welcome respite from the rest of the week. TOW's work load has meant numerous evenings exiting the office hours past quitting time, and then once home we have to tend to our beleaguered landlady, as detailed by my betrothed. The last few days have meant very late dinners and our not having peaceful rest times until well past 10:00. HENCE THE REDUCED SEX LOAD, HONEY!!

Today should be an improvement, if for no other reason than we will be away from home and our rescue obligations. One bit of fortune is that once the kids have had their hours of running we will eventually end up at our friend's home and have a lengthy poker game.

Time for the adults to misbehave a bit.

Posted by Anonymous :: 10:55 AM :: | --------------------------------------- LIVE! From Wannado City!

Good morning!

EH and I are cozily ensconced in the Eagles Nest at Wannado City while our daughter and her friend roam the premises. This has to be the COOLEST amusement park idea for children ever...but they do encourage grown-ups to "get lost" and we're not even allowed in half the activities. So...we're figuring on the next 8-12 hours here.

EH is settling into a Yahoo poker game...or trying to. The applet isn't too keen to load this moment. And I'm catching up with you!

The Eagles Nest is on an upper level, central to the park, and we can overlook the surrounding areas. We can also scan our bracelets at any time to locate either of the children. I believe at the moment SG is a polie officer and her playmate is probably scouting the fashion show. Truly, if you have children - this place requires checking out. This is the first one in the country and they are building more.

Our landlady needs a name to be a cast of our characters - so I will call her B. B is still in need of help and, frankly, making us insane. We are just not equipped financially or otherwise to be her caregivers. I worked until after 8 pm last night (and earned a $250 bonus from my boss who just wanted me to know she had 'noticed me'!) and upon heading home, B called needing groceries. My pay day is Tuesday and until then we're on a tight budget. But how do you say no to a starving old woman who was robbed and has no money??? So, to the grocery store we went instead of home...where her measley 10 items rang up to over $60, Everything has to be soy-this or special-that, so even her butter was in the $4+ range. And her carton of cigarettes. Ugh. I'll be making super cheap meals until Tuesday since I just spent OUR grocery money on her.

Then she called again as we were heading to bed. Any shot at sex was out the window when she rang at 10:30 to say she had 'fallen and could not get up'. It sounds terrible, I know...but I have known B for 5 years and she really likes attention. She sometimes does things to force us to spend lots of time with her because she gets lonely.

It's sort of strange to be blogging with EH exactly 4 inches to my left. He keeps leaning over and reading what I write...and now is chuckling at me for writing that!

I'm getting cranky due to lack of sex. Read THAT, honey!!! The chuckle just turned to a smirk.

EH says "So, now you're just going to write everything we say and do?" I told him he just defined a blog. And...oh hell, he's logging into blogger too. It'll be a blog race!!!

Work is great - super, super busy. Two co-workers resigned and were let go on the spot which drastically increased my work load, But the special 'surprise' bonus from my boss rocked!!! My next paycheck will be very nice indeed on top of all my other bonuses. I have a tendency to turn into a workaholic and a gigantic stressful workload actually thrills me. It gives me a chance to shine and excel. And according to my boss, I'm already doing great! Yay! Positive feedback is SUPER rare at my office, so this is just wonderful.

EH has returned to writing. He's dedicated 2 nights a week to his novel (113 pages so far!) and is applying for staff writer positions with magazines, etc. He's actually really talented (don't judge by the blog!) and has a number of published film reviews with a prominent film publication. I KNOW he can be successful - but the opportunities are hard to come by.

We're joining friends for poker tonight. And I'm looking forward to it. We have a rather nicely rounded group and we all enjoy one another.

In all, minus the lack of sex, life is good. We're content, busy, thriving and moving, But I have to admit, the sex thing is PISSING ME OFF. I know it's because we are both busy and exhausted. I have not gotten home before 8 pm even ONE night this past week. And we had to leave bright and early this morning to make it here before the crowds...so, I do know there's a reason - but I still hate it. Today is ONE WEEK without sex. And yes, I am getting snappish over it.

We're literally stranded here with only computers and board games for the next 12 hours - so there could be a LOT of posts today...

XOXOXO,
The Odd Wife

Posted by Red :: 10:40 AM :: | ---------------------------------------

Friday, March 11, 2005

I miss you...

I've noticed a great deal of blog apathy around the web, with many sites I frequent going days without updates. And then I realized my own blog was sitting...

I miss you. I want to talk to you. I'm just BURIED right now. I promise that tomorrow will be full of posts from EH and I.

Just a super quick update - my elderly/disabled landlady/neighbor was robbed blind by her live-in nurse and that nurse's boyfriend. They stole all her cash, credit cards and opened new credit accounts. They abandoned her with no food, money or help and she can't get out of bed. When we found her earlier this week, she hadn't eaten since the day before and was desperate. On top of that, two key employees at my office resigned and were let go on the spot, so my work load just quadrupled.

I'm busy beyond belief and working every night long after I should before rushing home to feed the landlady and clean up her house until she finds more help.

Stretched just a LITTLE thin...I'm nearly ready to give up luxuries like sleeping, eating and using the restroom.

But...through all of this, my attitude is on the up. I feel good. Tired, busy, a little stressed - but good.

And I miss you!

Posted by Red :: 9:55 AM :: | ---------------------------------------

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Anything you can do I can do better...

People who are so entwined in your life, problems and issues that they project themselves onto you - and feel a need to try to be better than you - annoy me.

There's one of them in every person's life. If you mention a problem with your best friend they feel this need to launch into a story about how they had problems with their best friend but they handled it with grace and love and compassion and sunshine and blue birds and rainbows...and so much better than you did/could/would, thus they must be a better person than you are.

Ugh.

I resolve not to be that person. If you want to feel angry or bitter or sad, that's okay with me. Sometimes you need to go through those feelings. If you're happy, I'll be thrilled, but I promise not to think less of you when you don't "Mary-Fucking-Poppins" every situation.

If someone pisses you off and you want to extend your middle finger in their general direction instead of smiling brightly and waving at them while yelling "Have a terrific day!" - that's okay with me.

We have emotions for a reason. It's okay to feel them all...even the ugly ones. They're a part of you and they're valuable in their own ways. Letting yourself feel the "bad" emotions doesn't make you bad. It makes you human...as opposed to a plastic type person.

And you are not required to handle every situation according to some Mary Sunshine code book. If your feelings get hurt and you want to sulk for a bit, or abandon the situation - you are entitled to your own feelings and choices. Tell that chirpy little blue bird who keeps trying to tell you to be the 'better person' to "piss off".

But do it nicely. Blue birds have a nasty habit of crapping on your head when you least expect it.

Posted by Red :: 4:41 PM :: | ---------------------------------------

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Darling Daughter...

This week our darling of a daughter turned 9 years old. She quite literally is an immense point of pride for both of us. She reads about 3-4 years above her level, has a buck-50 I.Q., and is doing great in her school’s gifted program where her teachers rave about her. This is not to brag, simply to state that she has come delivered beyond what we had hoped for in her. She possesses intelligence and wisdom, a fair dose of wit, all while being remarkably polite and empathetic with others.

My bride as well, The Odd One, is a right-brain marvel who has shown remarkable capacity to pick up new jobs immediately and she can learn an unknown computer program with facility within an hour, all while being personable and quirky. Even our dog—typical for Labrador retrievers—has an agile mind. He learns tricks in short order and, between commands and names of play toys, has a working vocabulary of near 20 words.

As for me, I set the clock alarm to wake us sometime during the evening news and then this morning it took me 20 minutes to make coffee after I poured the grounds in the water reservoir. I’m beginning to think I’ve been coasting on my looks a bit long and the others are starting to notice.

Posted by Anonymous :: 7:14 PM :: | --------------------------------------- Lost Insights

I wrote a post. Blogger ate it. Damn.

It was insightful, witty and entertaining. Really. Maybe I will re-write it later.

In the meantime, as a gesture of goodwill...an amusing email forwarded to me:

Why Math is Taught in School (Written by a very wise man)

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in
front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to
avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his
arm out his window and "flipped" the woman off. "Man, that guy is stupid,"
I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner
whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why: I drive
48 miles each way, every day, to work. That's 96 miles each day. Of these, 16
miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an
8-lane highway. There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out
to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 32 miles
is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That
brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.
Statistically, females drive half of these. That's 18,000 women drivers.

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642. According to
Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.
That's 449. According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females

have seriously considered homicide. That's 98. And 34% describe men
as their biggest problem. That's 33. According to the National Rifle
Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and this number is increasing.
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that
has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously
considered homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Flip one off? ....... I think not.

Posted by Red :: 11:50 AM :: | --------------------------------------- What you say when you have nothing to say

Drama has been at a minimum lately and I find myself oddly lacking things to say. Do you really need to hear me tell you how much I love EH again - I still do, of course (lots!) but aren't you well versed in my love by now? And do you really need another post where I describe blow jobs, orgasms and being penetrated six different ways while screaming out for more?

C'mon.

But before I switch gears, what is the deal with the all the girly sex blogs. I know I get a little saucy from time to time myself and don't get me wrong - I enjoy reading them (a lot!), but my question is with the billions of blogs from women who love blow jobs, have lightening quick orgasms with the single flick of a tongue - and apparently multiples. Since we're all led to believe that women loving oral sex are rare ('though I swear I truly do love it) and the female orgasm is elusive and multiple orgasms even MORE elusive...are women writing fiction or have times changed? And, guys - if it's the latter, heads up! Because there are as many guy blogs bitching about the wife hating oral sex and sex in general and something is wrong here. How can ALL the blogger men be married to frigid women and ALL the blogging ladies be sex-crazed, cock-hungry, multiple 'O' pin-up girls? Either the blogger men are doing something wrong or the ladies are exaggerating, right? Or...it's time to do a little matchmaking and pair up blogger boys and girls.

Today for me is a day of just being. Not seeking greatness, remedying hurts or preaching love and fidelity. Just a day to be still and open to the experiences of the day.

For once, I am content.

I have no need to ravenously sexually attack my husband anymore because our sex life is more active and I feel more connected to him.

I feel no need to explore the why's and whatnot's of EH's infidelity last year. It happened. It sucked. It's behind us. And there's enough distance that it no longer hurts like it used to.

I am not embroiled in drama or worry. The things around me are at rest.

I wonder what I will do with all of my extra time? It's really rare to have quiet time. I keep wondering what that is that I feel...contentment? Boredom? Apathy?

I think it's good. It feels more like content.

I read a great post yesterday on another blog on the art of giving the perfect handjob. Maybe I'll make that a goal this month.

Posted by Red :: 9:56 AM :: | ---------------------------------------

Saturday, March 05, 2005

Thin Blood

They say that blood is thicker than water, so I can only assume that my family has some mighty thin blood in their veins.

I’ve ranted on this subject before and it seems time for another round.

My mother and I used to be extremely close. 3-4 calls a day, spending time together on a weekly basis, sharing thoughts, feelings, ideas, news…

No more. These days any call with her lasts 4 minutes or less before she cuts it off sharply and I’m the idiot dialing her rather than the other way around.

What changed? She did. About a year ago she suddenly left my step-father, moved in with a boyfriend and has become a person I no longer recognize. She got breast implants. She grew her hair out and dyed it dark. She packed 20 pounds on her normally underweight frame and she maintains a strict diet and workout routine guaranteed to put the extra pounds on her hips. She went from normal Caucasian woman to a pseudo-latina complete with latin boyfriend.

In one of our 30 second conversations this week, she mentioned that they are talking marriage.

My stepfather, as I’ve said before, has disappeared from my life entirely. Depression and alcohol and a recluse behavior. He won’t answer his phone. He called me once last year when I lost the baby.

Where did my family go?

It’s recently occurred to me that I’m an idiot for even trying to contact my mother. Every time I manage to reach her, it’s a huge let down. We talk for 45 seconds like complete strangers and then she makes some excuse to hang up.

It’s time to stop calling her. And to stop answering the few phone calls she makes to me. If she’s not up to being a mother, then she can just disappear like my father (step) and we can all just move on without the pretense. Trying to maintain a relationship with her has just failed at every turn and I feel that she does me more harm than good with her arms-length half-hearted loving.

Bye Mom. Thanks for the way things were, but I’m angry at the way things are now. I’ve watched you cut dozens of family members out of your life throughout my childhood, leaving me with no relations to speak of and now I feel you severing the tie between us.

Only this time, I’m cutting it first. I wonder if you’ll notice?

Posted by Red :: 10:20 PM :: | ---------------------------------------

Friday, March 04, 2005

Brain Food...

If I only painted pretty pictures for you, this wouldn't be a true accounting of life.

Last night was just icky.

You have to understand I have been under intense pressure at work. I haven't been feeling my best and I've been tired, stressed and run down. So it's not a huge surprise that last night I blew my top at EH. I had asked him to fix dinner since I had done so every other night, allowing him to write in peace and I needed some time for just me. I had already started the meal (a simple one) and all he had to do was finish it. He did, but he left a good portion of it out and when I went to get a plate I was forced to stand there and continue cooking while EH sat down and ate and I missed a show I was wanting to watch. I got ticked off and stepped outside for a few minutes and came back in to see he had turned my show off now.

Some days I just feel like it would be nice if he took as good care of me as I do of him. I feel like I go out of my way to meet his needs and to give him time and tools to help him...and in return I get none back. He knows how hard I am working and it would have been so appreciated to feel...well, appreciated! To have him recognize how hard I work or how exhausted I am and to just be allowed to sit back and relax.

Nope. Didn't happen.

On another note, I do have fascinating stuff to impart.

I have a new friend. Sort of. I'll call him G-man. G-man is the brother of my very best friend and he has come to town. Despite many years of friendship, I had no idea he existed. Upon meeting him, EH and I really like him! He's chock full of fascinating stuff and we have great conversations. G-man is the one who did the numerology last weekend while I read tarot.

G-man has introduced me to Hemi-sync. All I can say is WOW...my mind is blown. He gave me two cd's and I kicked back last night before bed to 'meditate' to it. Holy smokes. First of all, you know how you hear people talk about "inner voices" or the "voice in the back of your mind"? Well, they're there. And this cd tunes out the mental "chatter" and lets you experience perfect clarity. And your inner voice begins to speak with you. It's wild stuff. I am dying to give it to EH and see if he has the same reactions. It put me to sleep after 30 minutes or so (which felt like hours), but not before I experienced some incredible sensations, thoughts, ideas and insights. At one point, I was actually explaining to my 'conscious' self how my anger over dinner was disproportionate to the situation and that my anger was really over broader things (like last year's internet infidelity incident).

Hey, you always suspected I'd hear voices, right?

I'm eager to explore this more.

Posted by Red :: 5:37 PM :: | ---------------------------------------

Thursday, March 03, 2005

What's a 6-pack divided into 12-steps, children?

AKA, my winning news story.

So I'm not a Skynard fan, and would have prefered tix to the upcoming Social Distortion concert, but these are 2nd row, so what the hell.

There was talk this morning of the Marlins being courted by Las Vegas to move to the desert, and this story was a perfect segue.

Any man who works as a rep for Bombay Sapphire has a fan in me.

In Other Quirks...

Due to the anniversary we missed honoring Joan Rivers' 2nd favorite day, (after The Oscars), "Self-Injury Awreness Day". But you can still celebrate at home this week. Sit with the kids and discuss their anxieties while you watch an Episode of "Nip Tuck", or maybe you can rent "Saw". Soon there will be a greeting card for this holiday as well, one that delivers a nasty, but satisfying, paper cut.


We all got to watch the rich and priviledged receive their $30,000 gift baskets at the Oscars Sunday, but here is proof that they are just like you and myself. Everyone loves a credit card with a rewards program. Why else go to a sale where everything is 10% off and then charge it on a card with a 20% interest rate? Now there is one for those who are repeat botox customers. I swear. (Thanx to DEFAMER)

Posted by Anonymous :: 6:31 PM :: | --------------------------------------- Wit, Skynard and a Joke

EH's sharp wit and penchant for odd news stories just earned him Skynard concert tickets on a morning radio show. Super cool. Skynard's okay. I would have preferred the Elvis Costello tix for his concert tomorrow might, but hey - it's still fun!

EH has returned to writing. I am so thrilled about this. I set aside 2 nights per week for him to just write while I make dinner, care for SG and leave him in peace. It seems to be working. He's up to page 77 on his book. I believe in him and I know that if he can just get this finished, it can be published.

And because I am super busy...a joke:

A husband wrote a letter for his wife to find:

To My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you with your 54 years can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife.

Therefore after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be perturbed - I shall be back home before midnight."

When the man came home, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

"My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At the same time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael my tennis coach, who, like your secretary, is also 18 years old. As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference. 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.

Therefore, I will not be back before lunchtime tomorrow."


Enjoy your day, guys! XOXOXO!

Posted by Red :: 8:59 AM :: | ---------------------------------------

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Something Special

For that special someone...

EH wants to know what you're supposed to do with just one.

Posted by Red :: 6:19 PM :: | --------------------------------------- Well...

Failed that test.



Big surprise, right?

When will I learn to stop hoping? We have an incredible daughter and we're very happy together - shouldn't that be enough? More than enough. I look around at people who are not as happy or not with the person they love and think that I should be ridiculously grateful to the fates...but I always want more, more, more.

And I miss Christian. A lot.

A baby would have been hard right now. We're hoping to move and a positive would have made that impossible. This is for the best. I'm sure of it.


Damn.

Posted by Red :: 3:02 PM :: | --------------------------------------- Well...

Failed the test. Big surprise!

When will I learn to stop hoping? The truth is, it would be hard right now. We're hoping to move and a pregnancy would make that almost impossible with insurance and so forth.

Our daughter is incredible and we're happy together. That should be more than enough.

But I still miss Christian. A lot.

It's for the best. I know.

Posted by Red :: 2:58 PM :: | --------------------------------------- Romance and Nausea

Last night (our anniversary) was lovely. We had dinner at an Art Institute where the students who are preparing to be professional chefs prepare and serve your meal. We had a lot of fun watching them prepare the meals and there was obvious care and effort in every bite.

Later, tenderness and passion. Reminders of the reasons we work so well together.

Today is just, well, icky. I don't feel very well. My stomach is just queasy and rioting. Hopefully not due to last night's dinner! I'm under a lot of pressure at work right now and have been over tired - and this morning I popped 2 Excedrin and a Vitamin B without eating breakfast, so I suspect I did this to myself.

After all...it couldn't be anything else, right? Because everytime I take that damned test, I fail. I'm trying not to even consider the notion. As usual, it's a constant let down. It took 6 years before I got pregnant with Christian and losing him this past August was painful. Since then, I think I take those damned tests once a month. EH can't stand it, so I take them secretly now (well, not so secretly since he finds out after that I did it).

Although...I did eat a pound of salad (literally) on Sunday because I really liked the dressing I bought (Ginger, yum!!!).

Nope. Don't even think about it, Odd Wife.

Posted by Red :: 12:46 PM :: | ---------------------------------------

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Jessica Marie Lunsford

Breaking stride here again...and I will continue to do so until Jessica is found.

Bloggers, someone has to know where this little girl is. Please, please be watchful.

Jessica should be kissing her Daddy and grandparents goodnight before bed. She should be taking her FCAT exams in school. She should be playing with dolls, watching cartoons, splashing in the tub. She needs to be home. Her family needs her and she needs them.

Jessica needs to come home.

The family is not seeking for an arrest to be made. There is a reward for her return. You can also donate money through http://www.jessicamarielunsford.com to help fund her reward. You can print flyers for Jessica at http://www.jessicamarielunsford.com/flyers/index.html

Please display a flyer if you are anywhere in the neighboring states or in Florida - or heck, in the United States. Please spread the word. Jessica could be anywhere right now, but where she really needs to be is home.

Please help. Please.




Media coverage:

03/01/05: Hoping for a miracle! Father pleads for return of missing girl on search's 5th day

02/28:05: Weather clears in missing girl search

02/27/05: Atlanta Braves pitcher donates $25,000 to help find missing girl (Ed. Note: Thanks, Mike Hampton)

02/27/05: Teamsters Offer $25,000 Reward
for Information Leading to Safe Return of Jessica Marie Lunsford (Ed Note: Thanks to The International Brotherhood of Teamsters)

02/25/05: Search for Florida girl to continue Saturday

Posted by Red :: 11:56 AM :: | ---------------------------------------