Monday, February 28, 2005

It was 9 years ago today...

I was nervous. So was he. It wasn't exactly the way we had imagined. There was no air conditioning working and we were sweating. At one point, I remember reaching over and wiping his brow while we recited vows. His ring barely fit over his giant knuckles and the perspiration helped me to push it over smoothly.

We smiled a lot. We looked into each other's eyes. And when the night was over and we were driving into "happily ever after" I realized we had missed dancing to "our" song. We pulled into a Country-Western bar and paid the $10 cover at the door and asked the DJ to play our wedding song for us while we slow danced in the middle of a floor surrounded by smoke, beer and rednecks. When it ended, we left and went home together.

But he said "I do". And so did I. And after all these years...I still do.

Happy Anniversary, EH. I love you, baby!

Posted by Red :: 3:41 PM :: | --------------------------------------- ---Yawn!---

So the Academy Awards were on last night...

Was anyone else just plain bored???

I'm not a Chris Rock fan to begin with. His voice and pitch irritate the hell out of me. But he is known for being outspoken and you could tell he was restrained last night. With all of the build-up on his hosting and his pre-show comments about gay blacks being the only African-American's to watch the show it seemed like there was an expectation for something more controversial.

Instead, he was just dull.

I was shocked that Million Dollar Baby took so many awards away from The Aviator and Ray. I was sorry to see Scorcese overlooked again. I half-expected him to jump on the back of his chair and scream, "What do I have to do?" He is the Susan Lucci of Directors.

I hated Hillary Swank's dress, but had to admire the back view. She is in amazing shape. Renee Zellweger's dark hair was another thumbs down in my opinion. She's waifishly thin right now, but the dress was beautiful. Barbra Streisand looked larger than life in her ensemble, but her jewelry was gorgeous. Sean Penn was sharply dressed as always and what the fuck was Johnny Depp's look? And Clint Eastwood was looking strangley preserved with a much more unlined face than I've seen before on him. Botox? A Nip/Tuck?

All in all, it was a snore. Jamie Foxx's speech was touching and Hillary Swank's speech was enjoyable. The rest were forgettable. Nothing like the laughter, tears and drama that we've seen in the past.

My favorite Academy Awards moment in history is Roberto Benigni for Life is Beautiful. And I highly recommend the film. Watch it with the subtitles, it's so much better. Bonjiorno, Principessa!

On a reverse note, Halle Berry accepted her Golden Razzie award for Worst Actress (Catwoman) in person and I have to give her a standing ovation for that. It showed more about her spirit and strength than I would have guessed at. Good for her. I maintain that Catwoman was a movie where they had a super-sexy costume and a hot actress and decided that was a movie. A plot or dialogue were all afterthoughts.

Posted by Red :: 9:12 AM :: | --------------------------------------- It’s all in the Cards.

Do you believe in divination? Astrology? Palm Reading? Tarot?

I do. And that made Saturday night a ton of fun.

We gathered at a friend’s house just before 7 pm. The husband’s parent’s and his brother joined us and the wife’s brother was present too. We feasted on a huge pasta dinner and everyone was content and happy. Cocktails were served and after dinner, we all began to play.

I had been commanded to bring my tarot cards. I hadn’t read the cards in a year and was reluctant to start.

I’ve been drawn to things of this matter since I was very young. When I was 8 years old, I used to assign meanings to each card and suit in a deck of normal playing cards and try to tell the future for my friends. I had never even heard of tarot at that age, but just seemed to have a knack for the idea. When I first began experimenting with tarot, I was 19 years old and right away it was obvious I could do them well. I would bring them to work at the restaurant I waitressed at and read for my co-workers. I was always able to tell them things about their life that I had no way of knowing. There were numerous readings documented among us that proved to be eerily accurate. I predicted falling in love with EH and giving birth to SG long before I knew EH and to this day, at least one co-worker remembers that reading.

The husband’s mother, a sweet elderly woman, asked me to do her cards first and that nearly put me off for the night. Her reading was painful because it revealed that she was in the early stages of preparing for ‘the end’ and she confided that she had just been diagnosed with Alzheimers. She had tears on her face and I was filled with bittersweet feelings. It was clear that she had lived a good life and was content and peaceful. The only negative things in her life were her own fears. She’ll have an easy ride from here, with a terrific support network in place and a very loving husband by her side.

The other readings revealed that I had not lost my touch. Specific things came through for the wife’s brother that I just could not know about him and he was quick to agree that the cards were accurate for him.

The wife’s brother is into numerology and did all of our numbers. It was just as interesting and accurate for us. EH and I were revealed to be a great match and this year is supposed to be EH’s year. The wife’s brother was firm that EH needed to write this year…before he even knew EH was a writer.

My own numbers showed I had strong intuitions and some psychic tendencies.

SG’s numbers were the most intriguing. She was shown to possess a very strong psychic ability as well as intense humanitarianism and he predicted she would be an amazing success in life. He believes she will do well in politics and said she could easily be president someday. We often joke that she could be president, so this was amusing. I have always referred to SG as “a very old soul” and her numbers agreed. The wife’s brother explained that her particular combination of numbers actually use that same term “old soul” for her.

All in all, it was a good night spent among friends enjoying interesting conversation.

Posted by Red :: 5:25 AM :: | ---------------------------------------

Friday, February 25, 2005

Please Bring Jessica Home

STOP! LOOK! Have you seen this little girl?



Readers, please take a minute to read this...

This hits very close to home for me. First, it's in my state. Second, the child is the same age as our daughter and seems to have many similar qualities. My blood runs cold to even think about the grief and terror this family must be experiencing.

STOP. Be aware - especially if you live in the southern states or in Ohio. Please, please, please keep your eyes open.

Anything that will bring this little girl home safely would be precious to her family...and to me. Spread the word. Use the powers of the internet for more than spam and jokes today...try to bring this princess home.

And go home and hug your children.

Posted by Red :: 1:27 PM :: | --------------------------------------- It's Funny 'Cause It's True

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. --- Rita Rudner. I know that feeling. EH and I often delight in annoying one another for extended periods of time. Yesterday was my turn, today is his.

Yesterday, I called EH at lunchtime and said "I just wanted to tell you that I decided not to be grouchy anymore."

"Really?" he asked, sounding doubtful.

"Yep. I'm going to give it my most sincere effort."

And I did. And despite a crazy, stressful day, it worked. The end of the month is always an exciting time in my business - especially a short month like February. I got frustrated, but held it together. When I got home I was low-key, unwinding. EH kept trying to relax me - but I felt fine! He made me a rum runner, talked soothingly to me and kept asking if I was okay. I was starting to wonder if I had some mark on my forehead telling people I was on the edge, because I swear I felt fine! A little tired. Relaxed. Quiet. That's all.

But then EH seduced me in the shower and blew my mind in the bedroom and I was beyond relaxed. I was in awe. Damn, I love that man! Whew!

This morning, he was slightly on the cranky side. Geez. Never bother that man before his coffee. He drinks more than 2 pots of black coffee every morning. It's scary. Before it hits his system, he just stomps and grumbles under his breath a lot. Fortunately, he's cute.

This weekend should be super-cool. We have plans to hang out at a friend's house and just have fun. My best friend's brother is staying with them and he's into numerology and all sorts of interesting things. I'm known for my tarot card reading among friends and everyone is interested to see the brother and I play with our respective divination tools. I'm expecting much good conversation, fascinating subject matter and laughter among friends.

I just have to survive today. Yeesh.

Posted by Red :: 11:02 AM :: | ---------------------------------------

Thursday, February 24, 2005

Focusing on the Important Things

Lots happening around this globe right now, unless you live south of Okeechobee. All day long the news cycles down here have been pumping out one main story—Shaquille O’Neil was injured in last night’s game!!!
Let’s see…war is still in progress, democracy is creeping across the Mid East, President is touring Europe, tsunami relief in progress—nope, Shaq twisted his ankle. Good thing I don’t watch basketball. At least that pushed Paris Hilton’s phone book off the charts.


On Being Held AS the Higher Example

This past weekend we went to the annual RenFair--which always strikes me as being similar to regular fairs except that the carnies have all their teeth and can read. The kids enjoy the games & rides and the parents enjoy the bawdy atmosphere. TOW and myself also appreciate the preponderance of corsets, although it is a double-edged blessing. Just as many women should be banned from wearing them as look good in the trusses.

When we announced that we were going our good friend S mentioned he wanted to go with us as his wife, and TOW’s friend, M, was working all weekend long. He and The Odd One both knew that doing so was going to lead to tension for both of them. One of the problems involved M not wanting S to go this week, wishing instead that they could go as a family this coming weekend. She didn’t say that, of course. She said it was no problem for them to go with us, and then hoped S would suggest they go the next week. This is where my head shaking begins.

Monday at work my wife and her friend talked, and as we rode home that night she says to me, “Are you ready to be creeped out?” During a lengthy bout S tells his wife she should be more like TOW, and M retorts that he should be more like yours-truly. As flattering as it is to be held up as archetypes I said it would do the two of them better to try being themselves. TOW then theorized what it might be like if we replicated one of those Swapping Spouses-type shows. He would certainly lose his teeth from clenching them over battling with her. I in turn would drive her batty within 2 days with my numerous idiosyncrasies. Stop talking to the television, I’m trying to watch this—and NO, we are not making fun of “Catwoman” again!!

I have heard their problems for some time now and the amazing thing is that it sounds so easy for them to fix things if they both put forth a small amount of effort. He wants her to be more passionate, she wants him to act more caring, and they both have said they’d do what the other wants if the other would only do what they ask. Yet they cannot get things working right. They can tell us all the things that are wrong, but get them together and they say completely different things.

I have always said communication is the lynchpin to a good relationship. Hell, if our two friends even tried communicating for any length of time they would make progress. Now though I’m starting to amend that thought. Connecting may be even more important. My wife and I—we connect, more so than I ever had with a person. We get each other, and I love the fact that the small things between are as significant as the big ones.

Driving to work one morning I am still in the shallow end of my coffee when the urge comes about to call the local radio show. Phone in hand she asks me for the number and after I spout it she looks down and says, “No, that’s wrong.” I recite it again, and again she tells me, “Nope, not right.” We do this 3 more times, my voice raising each time like I’m trying to talk to a foreigner, before she finally shouts back, “You’re not giving me enough numbers!” I count on my fingers and find my mistake, she strikes me because we missed the chance to win something.
I now shout, “We will never win The Amazing Race if you can’t decipher what I’m telling you!” She picks up on my reference to Jonathon, the misogynistic entrepreneur from said program.
“Like I’d go on that show with a caffeine retard!” she shouts back.
Laughter ensued.

For me that’s not communication, that’s connection, and it is why I love her like I do.

Posted by Anonymous :: 6:29 PM :: | --------------------------------------- Your sperm is a gift, gentlemen...

You must read this article.

CHICAGO -- An appeals court said a man can press a claim for emotional distress after learning a former lover had used his sperm to have a baby. But he can't claim theft, the ruling said, because the sperm were hers to keep.

The ruling Wednesday by the Illinois Appellate Court sends Dr. Richard O. Phillips' distress case back to trial court. Phillips accuses Dr. Sharon Irons of a ``calculated, profound personal betrayal'' after their affair six years ago, saying she secretly kept semen after they had oral sex, then used it to get pregnant.

Okay, first of all....ew! I have this vision of her running to the bathroom to get it from her mouth into...well, you get the picture. How desperate can you get?

Phillips was ordered to pay about $800 a month in child support, said Irons' attorney, Enrico Mirabelli.

I'm not entirely sure I agree with that.

The judges backed the lower court decision to dismiss the fraud and theft claims, agreeing with Irons that she didn't steal the sperm.

``She asserts that when plaintiff 'delivered' his sperm, it was a gift _ an absolute and irrevocable transfer of title to property from a donor to a donee,'' the decision said. ``There was no agreement that the original deposit would be returned upon request.''

Have you stopped laughing yet? Read it again...his delivery of the sperm was a 'transfer of title to property' with no 'agreement that the original deposit would be returned upon request'.

So...guys. Want to make sure you don't reproduce? It's not enough to avoid ejaculating in the woman's unprotected orifice - be sure to ask for your sperm back. Perhaps ask for a receipt.

The sad thing is, there is a child involved. A child whose mother used bizarre and tasteless means to conceive her and a father who is emotionally scarred by his/her birth.

It just pisses me off how many unwanted children are in this world. In my area, 3 newborns have been abandoned safely within hours of their births. And I fail that damned pregnancy test month after month.

Posted by Red :: 4:13 PM :: | --------------------------------------- How about your IQ?

Okay, the EQ thing was fun...but people keep referencing their IQ, so here's the online IQ test for fun.

Want to share your results?

Up to you!

Mine was 138 by the way. Lower than other times I've done it, but it's hard to do this and work at the same time!

SG was tested by her school and scored 154. Scary.

EH is usually within 1-2 points of me.

Of course - when they finally get around to a 'Common Sense' test, I'm going to score very, very low. I'm sadly lacking in that department.

Intelligence Interval Cognitive Designation
40 - 55 Severely challenged (Less than 1% of test takers)
55 - 70 Challenged (2.3% of test takers)
70 - 85 Below average
85 - 115 Average (68% of test takers)
115 - 130 Above average
130 - 145 Gifted (2.3% of test takers)
145 - 160 Genius (Less than 1% of test takers)
160+ Extraordinary genius

Posted by Red :: 3:19 PM :: | --------------------------------------- Well, excu-u-u-u-se me...really.

It looked like the right side of the bed when I rolled over, I swear. I have no idea how it happened, but the minute my feet hit the floor I became this snarling, growling, viciously grouchy bitch-beast.

EH is wise to me. He just stays out of my way and ignores me entirely. He escapes with few wounds. SG made the mistake of hitting me with her morning grouchiness right off the bat and got snarled at.

There's no reason for it. I should be fine and instead I am just bitchy today. The weird thing is, I know I'm bitchy and have been apologizing for it upfront all morning. I very nearly called in "mean" today...but, alas, the workload awaits me.

***Update: Just so you know, as if you really care, I've decided not to be grouchy today after all. It's requiring some real effort on my part since it's the end of the month and all my work files are trying to close at once, but I'm giving it some sincere effort.

I hope I've made you proud.

Whatever.

Posted by Red :: 11:51 AM :: | ---------------------------------------

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

What's your EQ?

So, we all know what an IQ test is, right?

Now there is an EQ test to measure your emotional quotient. So far, there's no single, well-validated paper-and-pencil test for emotional intelligence like an IQ test, but there are many situations in which the emotionally intelligent response is quantifiable. The following questions will give you a rough sense of what your EQ might be.

Answer honestly, on the basis of what you really would be most likely to do. Don't try to second-guess what seems right by using those old rules for psyching out multiple choice tests that helped you through school!

THE QUESTIONS

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. You're on an airplane that suddenly hits extremely bad turbulence and begins rocking from side to side. What do you do?

a. Continue to read your book or magazine, or watch the movie, paying little attention to the turbulence.
b. Become vigilant for an emergency, carefully monitoring the stewardesses and reading the emergency instructions card.
c. A little of both a and b.
d. Not sure -- never noticed.


2. You've taken a group of 4-year-olds to the park, and one of them starts crying because the others won't play with her. What do you do?

a. Stay out of it -- let the kids deal with it on their own.
b. Talk to her and help her figure out ways to get the other kids to play with her.
c. Tell her in a kind voice not to cry.
d. Try to distract the crying girl by showing her some other things she could play with.


3. Assume you're a college student who had hoped to get an A in a course, but you have just found out you got a C- on the midterm. What do you do?

a. Sketch out a specific plan for ways to improve your grade and resolve to follow through on your plans.
b. Resolve to do better in the future.
c. Tell yourself it really doesn't matter much how you do in the course, and concentrate instead on other classes where your grades are higher.
d. Go to see the professor and try to talk her into giving you a better grade.


4. Imagine you're an insurance salesman calling prospective clients. Fifteen people in a row have hung up on you, and you're getting discouraged. What do you do?

a. Call it a day and hope you have better luck tomorrow.
b. Assess qualities in yourself that may be undermining your ability to make a sale.
c. Try something new in the next call, and keep plugging away.
d. Consider another line of work.


5. You're a manager in an organization that is trying to encourage respect for racial and ethnic diversity. You overhear someone telling a racist joke. What do you do?

a. Ignore it -- it's only a joke.
b. Call the person into your office for a reprimand.
c. Speak up on the spot, saying that such jokes are inappropriate and will not be tolerated in your organization.
d. Suggest to the person telling the joke he go through a diversity training program.


6. You're trying to calm down a friend who has worked himself up into a fury at a driver in another car who has cut dangerously close in front of him. What do you do?

a. Tell him to forget it -- he's okay now and it's no big deal.
b. Put on one of his favorite tapes and try to distract him.
c. Join him in putting down the other driver, as a show of rapport.
d. Tell him about a time something like this happened to you and how you felt as mad as he does now, but then you saw the other driver was on the way to a hospital emergency room.


7. You and your life partner have gotten into an argument that has escalated into a shouting match; you're both upset and, in the heat of anger, making personal attacks you don't really mean. What's the best thing to do?

a. Take a 20-minute break and then continue the discussion.
b. Just stop the argument -- go silent, no matter what your partner says.
c. Say you're sorry and ask your partner to apologize, too.
d. Stop for a moment, collect your thoughts, then state your side of the case as precisely as you can.


8. You've been assigned to head a working team that is trying to come up with a creative solution to a nagging problem at work. What's the first thing you do?

a. Draw up an agenda and allot time for discussion of each item so you make best use of your time together.
b. Have people take the time to get to know each other better.
c. Begin by asking each person for ideas about how to solve the problem, while the ideas are fresh.
d. Start out with a brainstorming session, encouraging everyone to say whatever comes to mind, no matter how wild.


9. Your 3-year-old son is extremely timid, and has been hypersensitive about -- and a bit fearful of -- new places and people virtually since he was born. What do you do?

a. Accept that he has a shy temperament and think of ways to shelter him from situations that would upset him.
b. Take him to a child psychiatrist for help.
c. Purposely expose him to lots of new people and places so he can get over his fear.
d. Engineer an ongoing series of challenging but manageable experiences that will teach him he can handle new people and places.


10. For years you've been wanting to get back to learning to play a musical instrument you tried in childhood, and now, just for fun, you've finally gotten around to starting. You want to make the most effective use of your time. What do you do?

a. Hold yourself to a strict practice time each day.
b. Choose pieces that stretch your abilities a bit.
c. Practice only when you're really in the mood.
d. Pick pieces that are far beyond your ability, but that you can master with diligent effort.


WHAT YOUR EQ SCORE MEANS (HYPOTHETICALLY)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

200 -- Highest Score
175
150
125
100 -- Average
75
50
25
0 -- Best to try again another time


THE BASICS OF EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE INCLUDE

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Knowing your feelings and using them to make life decisions you can live with.
Being able to manage your emotional life without being hijacked by it -- not being paralyzed by depression or worry, or swept away by anger.
Persisting in the face of setbacks and channeling your impulses in order to pursue your goals.
Empathy -- reading other people's emotions without their having to tell you what they are feeling.
Handling feelings in relationships with skill and harmony -- being able to articulate the unspoken pulse of a group, for example.


YOUR ANSWERS

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. Anything but D -- that answer reflects a lack of awareness of your habitual responses under stress. A=20, B=20, C=20, D=0.

2. B is best. Emotionally intelligent parents use their children's moments of upsets as opportunities to act as emotional coaches, helping their children understand what made them upset, what they are feeling, and alternatives the child can try. A=0, B=20, C=0, D=0.

3. A. One mark of self-motivation is being able to formulate a plan for overcoming obstacles and frustrations and follow through on it. A=20, B=0, C=0, D=0.

4. C. Optimism, a mark of emotional intelligence, leads people to see setbacks as challenges they can learn from, and to persist, trying out new approaches rather than giving up, blaming themselves, or getting demoralized. A=0, B=0, C=20, D=0.

5. C. The most effective way to create an atmosphere that welcomes diversity is to make clear in public that the social norms of your organization do not tolerate such expressions. Instead of trying to change prejudices (a much harder task), keep people from acting on them. A=0, B=0, C=20, D=0.

6. D. Data on rage and how to calm it show the effectiveness of distracting the angry person from the focus of his rage, empathizing with his feelings and perspective, and suggesting a less anger-provoking way of seeing the situation. A=0, B=5, C=5, D=20.

7. A. Take a break of 20 minutes or more. It takes at least that long to clear the body of the physiological arousal of anger -- which distorts your perception and makes you more likely to launch damaging personal attacks. After cooling down you'll be more likely to have a fruitful discussion. A=20, B=0, C=0, D=0.

8. B. Creative groups work at their peak when rapport, harmony, and comfort levels are highest -- then people are freer to make their best contribution. A=0, B=20, C=0, D=0.

9. D. Children born with a timid temperament can often become more outgoing if their parents arrange an ongoing series of manageable challenges to their shyness. A=0, B=5, C=0, D=20.

10. B. By giving yourself moderate challenges, you are most likely to get into the state of flow, which is both pleasurable and where people learn and perform at their best. A=0, B=20, C=0, D=0.


...and for the record, my score SUCKED. LOL. Figures. Like we didn't know that, right?

What's your score?

Posted by Red :: 5:40 PM :: | --------------------------------------- Jack-in-the-Box Voicemail

Okay, if you have not already heard it, take a few minutes to listen...this is hysterical. It's about 3 minutes long, but worth it.

This is an actual voice mail message. A Jack-in-the-Box employee is calling in because he is running late and witnesses an accident and begins to give a play-by-play of the events. No one could have predicted this one. The man leaving the message is laughing so hard through parts that you can't help but laugh along.

Posted by Red :: 5:34 PM :: | --------------------------------------- EH - How do I love thee? Let me count the ways...

1. I love the way you call me every single day at lunchtime. It lets me know I'm on your mind.

2. I love your eyes - the incredible, unique color surrounded by thick, dark lashes. So intense. And when looking into mine, so tender.

3. I love your voice. Deep, smooth, rich.

4. I love the way you take care of me. The way you are always so concerned with my well-being.

5. I love the way you make me laugh.

6. I love your patience. You have infinite patience when it comes to me.

7. I love your hair. Luxurious, thick, dark...the way it feels between my fingers. The way I can find silver strands if I look hard enough. The way it annoys you when I look.

8. I love your abdomen. The tight, firm, smooth stomach covered in dark perfectly shaped dark hair. The muscles beneath that ripple when you move. You know the sight of your midsection has always made my knees weak.

9. I love your skin. The golden color, the texture, the taste...

10. I love your smile. The way your eyes crinkle up at the corners. The way your mouth moves into it. The boyish glint in your eyes.

11. I love the way you curl against me in your sleep.

12. I love the way you give me the benefit of the doubt. Over and over and over.

13. I love the way you tease me.

14. I love your ass! Truly there has never been a more perfectly shaped bottom. Tight and firm and beautifully shaped.

15. I love your touch. Strong, but soft and always tender. You have never touched me with anything but complete love and your touch means more than words can say.

16. I love your scent. Breathing in the familiar smell of you quickens my pulse.

17. I love your mind. Brilliant and clever.

18. I love the father you are to our daughter. She is the luckiest child on earth to have you for a Daddy.

Darling, I could go on and on. I could list a million things I love about you. But as "our" song says 'they all come down to one reason...I could never live without you'.

I love the way you love me.

Posted by Red :: 2:19 PM :: | --------------------------------------- So, I was abducted by aliens last night...

Okay, maybe not. Maybe it was just another quiet night at home.

It's that "time of the month" which annoys me because it interferes with my sex life. I know we could have sex anyway and EH isn't bothered by it in the least...but it's just so messy and awkward and I'd rather just wait it out. I make up for it by being very willing to provide EH with pleasures.

Last night, after a dose of two t.v. shows we enjoy - we retired to the bedroom where I stroked, caressed, licked and pleased. I love, love, love letting EH lie back while I dedicate my every breath and touch to making him feel wonderful. I suspect he loves it too!

I worry a lot now that our love is unbalanced. One-sided. I know that it's silly because he does so many things every day to show me how much he loves me...but somehow the damage from before stays with me. I wonder if that ever goes away? I have to believe it's a trust issue...I don't fully trust that he loves me as much as he says he does. I have no current reason to doubt him, but the heart remembers and there is still an ounce of fear.

After, lying in the dark with the glow from the television on us, we lay at the foot of the bed and watched VH-1's Tuesday 2 Play full of back-to-back videos from artists of the 70's, 80's and 90's. We cracked up over the Blue Oyster Cult's "Joan Crawford" video and cheered on Billy Idol. We laughed through two Styxx videos and sang along to The Killers (I love The Killers). It was silly and peaceful and fun.

Even if it was not nearly as exciting as an alien abduction.

In a disturbing talk with my best friend yesterday, it looks like she and her hubby are still trying to find answers to their marital strife. The biggest problem is that her hubby will say "Why can't you be more like Odd Wife?" and she responds "Why can't you be more like Even Husband?"

It's nice to be thought of well, but slightly weird. EH and I laughed thinking that they have no idea what they're asking for. I am a huge pain-in-the-ass 99.9% of every day. EH just has a lot of patience. A lot of patience. And he thinks I'm cute.

Last night, I was sitting on the couch when I suddenly screeched "Ouch!" and began nursing a bleeding finger.

EH was stumped. He was sitting right beside me and couldn't imagine what had happened to me. I tried to refuse telling him, saying "It'll just be one of those stories where you look at me like I'm nuts and laugh at me." He pressed me, so I finally came clean.

I was wearing my very favorite bra. A bra I nick-named the "Vavoooom" bra because it has superior push-up and never fails to result in supreme cleavage. One side has a small tear that lets the underwire poke out. This is a very sharp piece of metal. I was trying to push it back into place using the other side's underwire to help put pressure and it slipped. Small cut. Big, silly explanation.

A 3rd person just asked me if I'm feeling alright. They said I look pale. I better recheck my make-up. I'm tired and have been quieter than usual for the past few days - but I'm feeling fine. I think. Hmmm.

Damned aliens.

Posted by Red :: 8:54 AM :: | ---------------------------------------

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Nobody in Love

I am nobody special. Beyond a small circle of the world, no one knows my name. In 60 or so years, only a person or two will even know that I ever existed. And that’s alright.

I’ve done nothing monumental in my 32 years. I probably won’t find a cure for any disease or solve any age old riddle. No elementary school will be named for me. No book will be written about me. I don’t have much money, and in all likelihood, I never will.

But I have been lucky to experience truly great love.

We fight. We bicker and we quarrel and every now and again we have a truly magnificent argument.

We get on each others nerves. There are times he’s a smartass and annoys me beyond reason. There are days I’m a pain in the ass and make him grit his teeth. A lot.

But I do believe, with all of my heart that we are lucky to have great love. I say this with no bragging rights - I've certainly not done anything to deserve it. I'm just very lucky. I believe he’ll still be beside me in 60 or so years. I believe we’ll still bicker and quarrel and irritate one another. But I also believe we’ll still be holding hands, laughing and looking into each others eyes and whispering sweet things. I believe we’ll still find peace in holding on to one another.

They write books about great love. Songs, movies, poems. And in all of them, I find pieces of us. I find parallels and similarities. Some times they are so close that they could be our story. But I always find pieces of us.

If it’s a choice between an easier life with money and comfort and the love I have now, then the choice is already made. My husband is my home. Wherever we go, whatever town we decide to move to, whatever life we find will be wonderful because all I need is to be with him.

There are couples all around me every day that haven’t been as lucky. They married someone that they love, but they always seem to feel as if they are missing out on something. They’re always looking for something more. They are happy, but not as happy as they’d like to be. More than anything, they are comfortable at best.

I had that once. A man I loved and was comfortable with. I thought that was love. I thought that was what I was supposed to be content with. I agreed to be his wife. Somehow, at the very last minute, that spark struck between EH and I and I suddenly knew without a doubt exactly what I would be giving up if I stayed and married that man. It was more than I could ever walk away from…and I didn’t just walk, I ran. That man, the first man was a good man. Later, when we spoke about it – he understood. He was kind. He was a friend. He loved me and was good to me, but he knew I’d never be satisfied by staying. I may have run, but he also let me go. Even he could see the change. My family was understandably shocked. There were those who thought I had lost my mind. It was my wicked stepmother who spotted it first. "Look at her smile. Look at her eyes," she said, "I have never seen her look that way." And that was it. My entire family leaned towards me and studied my smile and eyes for a minute and decided I was truly in love.

I remember a time when the greatest dream EH and I shared was to sit quietly and watch television together for as long as we wanted. To wake up each morning to each other. To read in bed beside each other. And all of those dreams have come true.

Next week will be our wedding anniversary. Many years have been spent together as husband and wife. There have been good times and there have been some bad times. The good are far more plentiful than the bad. There have also been some incredible times. Nights talking on the beach until nearly dawn. Nights tracing the contours our each other’s faces and bodies. Days full of the kind of smile that makes your face hurt.

If I had the choice between fame, fortune and greatness and experiencing truly great love – I’d still choose love all over again.

My soul mate sleeps by my side each night. What more could I ever want?

Posted by Red :: 8:43 AM :: | ---------------------------------------

Sunday, February 20, 2005

Modern Communication

Communication is of great importance in life. I’m learning more and more that people don’t necessarily communicate what they really think and feel. I was guilty of it on Thursday night, as I wrote in my Snarky is as Snarky Does post. I was pushing EH away when what I really wanted was his attention. Fortunately I caught it and corrected myself, but it opened my eyes.

I just had a phone conversation with my best friend. She and her husband (also a friend) are in the process of deciding to divorce. I phrase that delicately because they come to this decision about once per month for the past 2-3 years. But this time had a unique twist. In speaking with her, I realized this might actually be the best thing for her. For the first time in ages she sounded motivated and energetic and almost…well, happy. I’m very sorry that they would end it. They’re both great friends and we’ve been a pair of couples for as long as I can remember.

The biggest problem between them seems to be communication. And it was never more apparent than it was Saturday. She had to work – all weekend, day and night – for the second weekend in a row. She hasn’t had a day off in two weeks. EH and I had plans to go to an annual festival event that we go to every year (not with them) and the husband wanted to come along bringing his two kids who are dear friends to our daughter. Seemed like a good idea. She told him to go, that him and the kids should go and have a good time. Then she got angry that he went. She really wanted to go too and couldn’t and it just sucked for her to think of him going and having fun while she worked. But she didn’t say that. She said she wanted him to go and he did.

In my opinion, she should have been honest about her feelings from the start. She should have said that it bothered her without leading him to believe that it was okay to go.

He’s guilty of it too. She’s been working day and night and she’s had no time for herself, much less for him. He feels ignored and abandoned and he responds by being cold and angry towards her. What he needed to say was, “Hey, I miss you. I really want to spend some time with you.” It might not change the circumstances, but if both are being open and honest in their feelings, it makes a difference.

This morning, at 5 am, he told her he thought they should divorce. What he needed to say was “It hurts that we’re both so unhappy. Can we fix this?” He told her he wanted to divorce when I know that what he really wanted was for her to tell him she didn’t want that.

EH and I went through this last year. EH worked almost every day and late into the night and I was alone. I was very unhappy, but instead of saying that I gave him a cold shoulder when he did come home. I picked arguments with him just to try to force him to express some emotion where I was concerned. There was more than one time I suggested divorce when all I wanted was for him to tell me that he wanted to stay with me. I’m not proud of it. I’m just glad I understand it now from both sides. How could he be happy coming home to a bitter, silent, unhappy person who would only say “nothing” was wrong? How could he know that inside I was screaming for him to notice I existed?

Why do people say “go” when they really mean “stay”?

More and more I am noticing how the things we say to people are reflective of our feelings about ourselves. When the world fell apart around EH and I, I said to him “I hate you” when what I meant was “I hate what you did”. I told the woman he was involved with that she was disgusting and worthless because I felt disgusting and worthless. There were a number of times I struck out at her because I was hurting and I wanted her to hurt too. I wasn’t able to see inside myself and understand that it was pointless and not proactive to solving anything or progressing.

The comments on this blog on Friday morning tie perfectly into this post. There was a time when they would have bothered me a great deal. This time, they didn’t. First, because they were unprovoked and misguided. I deleted them because, well, that’s my prerogative and they were insulting to myself, my husband and my daughter. I have a suspicion of who actually wrote them but it doesn’t matter. It boils down to a basic truth…someone was feeling particularly ugly that day and for whatever reason found a brief bit of entertainment in trying to make me feel rotten too. It didn’t succeed, but had I not been more aware of these new ideas in my head, it might have. When they actually did post, it was sheer coincidence that I was at a point where I only felt that they perfectly illustrated and furthered my thoughts on this all. Instead of being hurt or offended, I felt like saying “See?!” Someone didn’t like hearing me post about being happy. I can only surmise that it has much more to do with difficulties in their own life/lives than with me. Otherwise, what is the point of being such an apparently ‘avid reader’ of an anonymous blog and challenging the writer on months worth of things they’ve written. It’s like me going to your blog where you posted “I sew beautiful dresses” and commenting “No you don’t. You can’t sew at all. You’re stupid. Your dresses are ugly.” Do you really believe I sit down every day and lie to readers that I don’t know each day? Wouldn’t I be a heck of a lot more creative? Why post about a quiet night at home when I could write a saga about being abducted by aliens that would be much more entertaining?

I’m going to try to stay in this state of consciousness where actions and words are concerned. I want to be sure I don’t communicate nonverbally the opposite of what I mean or feel. I want to be more aware of what people mean/feel when they speak or react. I’m curious to see what more there is to learn from it.

I’m keeping the comments off for the time being. Would-be-commenters are welcome to continue to email me – and I am responding to your emails (thank you!) as I can. Nasties will just be deleted without a response or acknowledgement.

I know who I am, what I have and how I live. And it’s good. I don’t have to prove that to anyone. Life’s not always perfect, and I never intentionally try to slant it that way. I make my fair share of mistakes, wander into poor choices, trip, slip and fall. But I do it all with good intentions. I have values and I do my best to live by them.

Just like anyone else, there are good times and bad times. Money’s always tight, work sometimes sucks, my great-grandmother passed away Friday night, my extended family is an absentee disaster of a family and sometimes EH leaves his dirty socks on a floor I just cleaned. And if at some point it makes sense to me to talk about any of that on this blog, I will.

And maybe I’ll post more about that alien abduction thing too…you never know.

Posted by Red :: 11:37 AM :: | ---------------------------------------

Friday, February 18, 2005

Yes, comments are off

...While the nasties of blogland deal with their personal issues. If I was supposed to be bothered, it failed. I have way too much to be happy about. It's as simple as turning off comments and hitting delete when their email address rolls in. And *poof* they no longer exist in my world!

Would-be-commenters are welcome to email instead. Snarkies will be promptly deleted without ever seeing the light of day. There will be no responses, replies, etc.

It's as simple as this...don't like me/my blog? Don't read. It's sad that someone who obviously read, recalled and retained every miniscule detail I've written over a long period of time would waste so much time trying to irritate me, insult me and my loved ones. What a sad, miserable waste of someone's time to dedicate all that energy to just being nasty for no apparent reason.

Comments may/may not be restored...we'll see. I don't really blog for anyone but myself and EH, so while generally appreciated, the comments feature isn't a necessity.

XOXOXO to the rest! My day's still golden!

Posted by Red :: 1:33 PM :: | --------------------------------------- Snarky is as Snarky Does

I have a wicked temper. It's not a secret or something I am proud of. It's something I just accept. Yes, I try to curb it but a good part of the problem is that I'm an intense person and thus, my feelings are intense as well. So anger is not just anger, but rather a blinding, scorching, murderous rage. And love is not just love, but rather a dreamy, romantic, swept-away, starry-eyed, smitten obsession.

It's not just me. I know another person who has these same tendencies. He's a good friend of ours. It's funny to see him behave in a way that baffles others and I understand it so simply.

There was an interesting parallel this morning.

Now, first - my side...

I was a little grouchy late last night. PMS is ripe in me and for the third night in a row, EH and I couldn't really enjoy one another...things just come up sometimes. Flea baths for our dog that push me out of the shower, fatigue, obligations, etc. So, when EH chose to shower with the dog for a second night in a row, I was a little snarky-ish. I didn't really say anything, I just felt the grouchiness rise. In EH's defense, our poor labrador has recently acquired fleas and they are a major problem. EH is fighting a flea-war. It wasn't personal. But nonetheless, I felt slighted. Passed over just days before I'll start my cycle and be much less interested in sex...and when he returned from his hour-shower, I was asleep (exhausted!). So...when he tried to cuddle, I ignored him. Familiar feeling...grouchy that I'd been left wanting. Irritable. And for the first time, I took control. I had a stern inner dialogue with myself and straightened my ass out and cuddled right back to my EH. All better.

Now, friend's side -

Wife has been working 'round the clock. Work, kids, work, kids. Valentine's Day was a bust because she was exhausted to the point of collapsing from working through the night on a computer system. It was okay for a few days, but this morning he got "bitchy" with her. And as she explained his snarkiness, I got it. He was feeling just as I had, he just couldn't control it. He knows she's tired. He knows it's not personal. But when you feel pushed aside or overlooked, these feelings build up and eventually explode in a fit of temper. His wife (also a dear friend) is pissed off that she got the brunt of his bad behavior and not sure how to handle him. The truth is, there is nothing she can do. It's on him to curb his own snarkiness.

Snarkiness just begets snarkiness. If I had stayed snarky with EH, what would I really accomplish? Nothing he says or does will make me feel better. It's up to me to put it into perspective and snap out of it.

I've shut off the option for Anonymous posting in my comments. I haven't been bothered by them before, but the Anonymous comment in yesterday's post was snarkiness at it's best. It was less questioning my actions than it was just openly hostile. You don't have to be a rocket scientist to take it from there. If you're still not sharp enough to recognize the tone, there's always one of the three counters I use to check an IP address. Et Voila!

If you want to question me, my actions or my choices, that's wonderful. I encourage it. But this was less of a comment than an agenda.

Like I said, snarkiness begets snarkiness. But I'm not interested in playing today. I'm in a great mood and looking forward to racing home to spend a weekend laughing, playing, cuddling and living with my husband and daughter. I intend to have as much sex as I can without crippling myself or EH.

And that's that.

Posted by Red :: 10:22 AM :: | ---------------------------------------

Thursday, February 17, 2005

Lucy! You got some 'splainin' to do!

In the past, I've referred to myself as being somewhat of a Lucy Ricardo character. And it's true. More true than is frequently comfortable. I'm not talking about the adorable, funny Lucy - I'm referring to the Lucy who concocts these wild schemes that backfire and hilarity ensues...usually at Lucy's expense.

And, of course, today is a perfect example.

I had also mentioned recently that my 8 year old daughter feels as if she's being picked on a bit at school. Just mild kiddy stuff, but she is very sensitive and often complains that no one likes her...although she can easily name 27 "very best friends in the whole wide world" without thinking.

In an effort to (1) boost her confidence and (2) give her a little romance on Valentine's Day...I hid a card in her backpack from a "Secret Admirer". I wrote in childish writing with my left hand "You are very beautiful and nice".

I had good intentions. Really.

Well...hilarity is in fact ensuing. For starters, SG went nuts over the card. She said it was the greatest day of her life and she's been on cloud 9. Then she enlisted the help of all of her school chums to hunt down the admirer. They subjected half the 3rd grade male population to handwriting analysis in the lunch room recently. Meanwhile, SG is taking much care to dress in the mornings.

Yesterday, she won the weekly free ice-cream drawing...even though she had not put her name in the drawing. She's certain that her secret admirer was behind it. She keeps saying "But, Mom...I don't know anyone with this much passion!"

Oy...

This morning, a parent-teacher conference with her regular and gifted teachers. Both teachers gushed over her brilliance and marveled at her mind. She has a few minor quirks that most gifted children are prone to...such as trouble focusing. Gifted children like to think outside the box and lectures or memorization bore them. EH and I were both gifted children, so we "get" it. More than half the conference was dedicated to who this admirer could be. A fair amount of time was spent scrutinizing the handwriting. I was fidgeting the entire time because of course I am not going to admit that I did it!

EH just kept giving me the "Ricky Ricardo" look. This has escalated into a full scale investigation with two teachers helping now.

As Lucy would say..."Eeeuuuuuuuugh".

Posted by Red :: 9:46 AM :: | ---------------------------------------

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Our Song

All couples have a song, right? EH and I are no exception. While we have dozens and dozens of songs that represent different things in our life together, there is still the song. The wedding song you choose. The one that forever holds the distinction of being "our" song.

And after a decade, it still fits...

I Love the Way You Love Me...by John Michael Montgomery.

I like the feel of your name on my lips
And I like the sound of your sweet, gentle kiss
The way that your fingers run through my hair
And how your scent lingers even when you're not there

And I like the way your eyes dance when you laugh
And how you enjoy your two hour bath
And how you convinced me to dance in the rain
With everyone watching like we were insane

But I love the way you love me
Strong and wild
Slow and easy
Heart and soul
So completely
I love the way you love me

I like to imitate old Jerry Lee
And watch you roll your eyes when I'm slightly off key
And I like the innocent way that you cry
At sappy old movies you've seen hundreds of times

But I love the way you love me
Strong and wild
Slow and easy
Heart and soul
So completely
I love the way you love me

And I could list a million things
I love to like about you
But they all come down to one reason
I could never live without you

I love the way you love me
Strong and wild
Slow and easy
Heart and soul
So completely
I love the way you love me
Oh baby I love the way you love me.

Posted by Red :: 3:30 PM :: | --------------------------------------- A Night Less Floral

Despite the flowery way I sometimes tend to blog, not every night is wonderful and full of dreamy glances and soft, heated caresses. There are nights, like tonight for example, that are harder.

EH arrived to pick me up late. He knew I was wrapping up some things at work. I got a call from my mother letting me know that my great grandmother, a woman I was close to, was on her death bed. I rushed to print 20 or so photos of me, EH and SG to overnight to her. I didn’t have her current address and her phone was busy for hours. Panicked and moments away from the final UPS pick-up, it finally occurred to me to Reverse Look-up her phone number and voila!, there was her address. With seconds to spare I filled out the shipping slip just as EH walked in. Then a mad rush to the UPS box downstairs with me pushing and growling at EH and SG to make them hurry. My greatest fear was missing that pick-up and her passing away before the photos could arrive.

That over and done, we now had to endure awful, endless gridlock traffic on the way home. Then a gas station stop that required 3 wicked U-Turns to reach and a grocery store trip for restocking. Tired and worn, we trudged through the aisles. Finally we made it home very late and I had to cook dinner. EH was overly tired so I insisted he sit and rest while I worked at dinner. SG was hungry and grouchy and driving me insane.

Some nights are just not as romantic. You’ve had those nights, right?

But even these haggard nights are something I treasure. I know when my own fatigue sets in that I can snuggle close to EH with my head on his shoulder and we can be tired together. It’s less romantic than it is comfortable, but the bliss is in being able to experience both facets in a relationship.

You can’t have the romance around the clock. I’m luckier than most that I get it more often than not, but I’m just as pleased to take the tedium too.

As I write this, EH is showering and dinner is finishing it’s final simmer on the stove. When I said I’d miss showering with him, he offered to wait until later when I could join, but I can see how tired he is and I sent him on his way with instructions to unwind and relax in the steam. I can’t deny that I’d love to be in there with him, running my hands over his soapy skin and feeling him against me. I’d love to be making love to him, kissing him and sliding against him…but I can wait. My husband needs rest now and I am content in knowing that we have a lifetime of opportunities ahead of us to share moments like I’m wishing for. And waiting, while agonizing, will make the next moment even sweeter.

I’m not just the Odd Wife…I’m also the luckiest wife.

Posted by Red :: 8:25 AM :: | ---------------------------------------

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Odd Excuses for Being Late...

I've been late to work every day this week...by about 10-15 minutes each time. This, in and of itself might not seem odd, but my excuses are.

And the crazy part is that they're 100% true.

Monday, I was late because EH and I ran into the mother of a murderer who just killed a man and was arrested. She started discussing it and we just could not find the heart to say "Sorry, we're late for work". The backstory is that there is a major case in the local media concerning a man murdered by two young men who worked for him. The mother has a daughter who is in SG's class and the two girls have been friendly for several years. They're been to parties at our home and we chat from time to time. We knew she had an older teen son who was a source of much pain and problem to her. She had repeatedly asked for help from the authorities.

Today I was late because the highway was on fire. A large junkyard boardering the highway was apparently burning and we drove through the dark smoke clouds and slow inching traffic.

I wonder what will keep me tomorrow?

Last night was fantastic. I fixed a nice meal and EH, SG and I dined by candlelight. After, EH and I did what two people madly in love will do on Valentine's Day night.

...and we did it really, really well!

Posted by Red :: 8:18 AM :: | ---------------------------------------

Monday, February 14, 2005

Update...

Lunchtime, the phone on my desk rings...

EH: "Are you having a good day?"

OW: gushing, swooning, babbling, adoring

OW: ...and I am drowning in candy!

EH: Drowning? What kind of candy? The cheap stuff?

OW: Cheap? Um...well, Dove hearts, some other stuff...not cheap, but you know...

EH: Ah. I thought so. Go look in your office kitchen on top of the refrigerator. I'll hold.

I discover a box of Godiva Truffles and yet another card.

OW: gushing, weeping, babbling, adoring...

I'm on romance overload! I'm up to 5 cards from EH and more than a half dozen gifts. I was not expecting this!

swoon...

Posted by Red :: 11:38 AM :: | --------------------------------------- Aside

Looking for something blue? Sorry, but it's been tucked away. Gotta be quick around here, you know!

It was simply a weekend funny for us to do. Not meant to be a permanent part of the blog. If you're a long-time reader, you'd know it was a first and not really the flavor of this blog. It was something silly we did...and it was much fun.

XOXOXO,
Odd Wife

Posted by Red :: 10:14 AM :: | --------------------------------------- Breathless...

Oh wow, oh wow, oh wow...

My heart is bursting, my pulse is racing, my eyes are damp with tears and my smile is going to split my face...

It's still early morning and already EH has made this day so meaningful and romantic.

Rewind to the weekend...

Saturday night, a babysitter and a plan. EH took me to a hidden, secret Caribbean restaurant that we both adore...the very first restaurant he ever took me to. After, we went to the beach where he spread a blanket on the sand beside the water and in the brisk cold night under a million stars and an enormous crescent moon we renewed our wedding vows to one another. EH taking my hands in his and looking deep into my eyes and saying words that warmed my blood. Later, passion and bodies entwined.

Sunday quieter...a romp in the park with our daughter, a trip to the store, some light housework, a spaghetti dinner and our daughter entertaining a friend. Late bedtime, brief irritation from the 10 millionth foul-mouthed domestic dispute by our loser neighbors who seem to have based an entire new language around the "f-word". They like to fight loud and in front of our windows in the middle of the night. Ugh...

Drifting to sleep wrapped up close with EH. Tender touches, muffled giggles and insisting we need sleep...sweet dreams...

Which brings us to this morning...

EH has a card for me. Silly and romantic.

"Happy Valentines Day, Wife! Honey, Look what your love has done to me...

(open)

Look lower! (and EH adds But Don't Just Look!)"

And another card, more romantic...much more romantic. And a gift - a silky, soft black hoodie shirt with an image of Sally & Jack Skellington under a full moon from The Nightmare Before Christmas. We always joke that they represent us.

At work, I barely sit down and I am paged to the front. EH has left another card and gift for me! Little gifts in a shiny red ribboned bag. Coconut-lime hand cream, angel food cake flavored lip gloss for super-sweet kisses, and a scented spray. (He knows I love smelly-stuff!)

I'm so touched and laughing with the girls in my office. I head back to my desk and check my in-box only to find another card from EH with a CD of love songs.

I'm so romance-d. Over the moon. A smitten kitten. Starry eyed.

My desk is buried in hearts and candy from co-workers and friends. Cards are standing on every available surface.

Love is in the air...

Tonight, a romantic meal at home. A school night, after all. And that's just fine because being a family is something I love most...

If it all fell apart tomorrow, EH will still have been the great love of my life. I have no regrets. And today, surrounded by expressions of love, I have no doubts.

Only great happiness and love.

Posted by Red :: 9:30 AM :: | ---------------------------------------

Friday, February 11, 2005

So...how was your weekend???

Ours was just fine...

(***WARNING!!! NOT WORK, FAMILY OR UNDERAGE APPROPRIATE!!! AND IF YOU PREFER TO NOT BE CORRUPTED BY NAUGHTY PICS - DO NOT CLICK!!!***)


But, yes...it's really us...

Posted by Red :: 9:00 PM :: | --------------------------------------- My darling(s)...

To you, yes you. The passers-by, the silent observers, the non-commenting emailers, the commenters, the friends, the foes, the loyal and the fickle, the hurt, the wicked, the naughty and the nice...

I wish every last one of you a weekend of passion and love.

I wish you tender kisses in the cool air and moonlight.

I wish you soft finger caresses that rise goosebumps on your arms.

I wish you long, breathless looks that say so much more than words.

I wish you tight embraces.

I wish you fluttering tummies.

I wish you slow, soft licks in tender places.

I wish you sweat drenched bodies under the stars.

I wish you sweet release.

I wish you teasing, breathless afterglow and pillow talk punctuated with whispers and soft laughs.

...I wish you a wonderfully romantic, sexy and loving Valentine's Day weekend with the one who makes your heart beat quicken. Even you. And you.

XOXOXO,
The Odd Wife

Posted by Red :: 6:11 PM :: | --------------------------------------- THIS

...is making me crazy...

Posted by Red :: 6:01 PM :: | --------------------------------------- Hearts & Flowers

Hearts and flowers surround me everywhere I go. But i must admit, there's just a little trepidation for me as Valentine's Day approaches. Last year it was a fairly painful day and I can't help wincing just a little as it draws closer.

I would venture to say that Valentine's Day last year was when I realized I was alone. EH had to work, as usual, and his job had already begun to come between us. I sat home all day, alone, in a dark house and cried. There was no card, no flower, no gesture - not even a word from my husband. It hurt like hell and I think it expedited the problems we were facing. In the few weeks after Valentine's Day, the real problems began.

I can easily and honestly say that we are in a better place today. We are infinitely closer and stronger. We both openly express how happy we both are. There are many times I trace the shape of his face in wonder and whisper to him how awestruck I am to be married to the man of my dreams. To have that one person you are deeply in love with be your husband is such a gift. Ahhh.

But...the ghosts of last Valentine's Day are lingering in the shadows. And, try as I might, they never really go away.

I'm tempted to sit still and quiet and watch to see how EH handles Valentine's Day, but if there is one thing I have learned from all of this, it is that a marriage takes two. There can be no "debt" between us. If I sit back and wait for him to come to me, he may feel unimportant. This was a huge part of our problem last year. To continue on a path together, I must also go to him.

As hurt as I was last Valentine's Day, I hid it. When he came home, I wiped away the tears and went to bed. I knew I couldn't face him without breaking down. He interpreted this as cold and hostile. And a pattern began. Me, hurt and unhappy and sad - trying to hide it from him. Him, looking for signs of life in me and seeing only a woman who kept avoiding him. I was waiting for him to "realize" and come to me. Wrong, wrong, wrong. When one person in the relationship pulls back, you must go to them. It is not a competition, there can be no pride in love. If I had to do it all again, I would go after him and hold him and love him. I would tell him of every tear I cried all those nights alone. I would never let him feel unwanted.

Valentine's Day means a lot to me. The colors dazzle me with the passionate reds that I adore and the saucy, flirty pinks. The heart shapes that the hopeless romantic in me has been doodling my entire life. The sexy, tarty innuendos. The lustful flirting.

This year, I plan to do more than my part to romance, seduce, flirt and dazzle that man of mine. I am reclaiming Valentine's Day for us both.

And it begins tonight...

Throughout this weekend, I plan to fill EH with all the romance, love, fun, sex and passion he can handle. And I'm secretly hoping he'll do the same for me...

And I hope each and every one of you spends Valentine's Day wrapped in a lusty, passionate embrace with someone you love.

Posted by Red :: 12:02 PM :: | ---------------------------------------

Thursday, February 10, 2005

Odd Queries

Our hits counter has been spinning lately, with a daily average of 106 unique visitors. It's really interesting to see where the visitors come from...

The search engine queries are what really make me blink...

Here are the last 20 search engine queries...with commentary from yours truly.

Yahoo: boynton beach bereavement club...Makes sense, my feature film debut!
MSN Search: odd sex
Yahoo: odd sex
Yahoo: odd sex ....yes, yes. I get it.
Google: bobservations ...looking for a friend of mine?
Google: theoddwife
Google: theoddwife.blogspot.com
Yahoo: "the odd wife" ..... all me. Me. Me. Me.
Google: wife did cocaine and cheated....Wait, huh? Wasn't me, buddy. The only blow I do is blow jobs.
Yahoo: theoddwife.blogspot
Yahoo: theoddwife.blogspot ... still me. Someone's looking for me, aren't they?
Yahoo: wife masturbating ... yeah, that could be me.
Google: the odd wife
Yahoo: Abnormal sex + human and enamel fucking ... what??? First of all, enamel fucking? Just because I am assuming someone misspelled 'animal' doesn't make it any less disturbing. Apparently sick, twisted, perverts also can not spell. Won't find that here, pal. Sorry. I'm an animal lover, but not an animal lover.
Google: "boynton beach bereavement club" ...surely this is Hollywood trying to track me down. Stardom is so tedious.
Yahoo: "penis qigong" ...this one cracks me up. I know where it came from and why and it's much more funny not to explain it...
Yahoo: pros and cons dating a guy from the italian mob ...I'm speechless. There are pros?
Yahoo: fondled boss wife panties table ... I did not! (But feel free to email me and tell me all about it).
Google: mens infidelity blog ...Heh. Wrong turn, buddy. Bet I was a disappointment.
Yahoo: fucking your neighbors wife and daughter ...o-kay. Again...I did not! (But feel free to email me and tell me all about it).

Now, for kicks I Google-d myself (That sounds so dirty)...and apparently at a glace, I am getting some really hot action!

But this one...this one is funny...

amateur nude model free - The Best! The Hottest!
... Furthermore, the lesbian resembling another fairy punches, and a sticky boy wickedly reaches the odd wife to a convolution seeking an advancement. ...
www.hoabanglang.org/amateur/ 5/amateur-nude-model-free.asp - Supplemental Result - Similar pages

Posted by Red :: 11:07 AM :: | --------------------------------------- Speaking Chinese...

On the way home together last night, EH and I opted for Chinese take-out, in honor of the Chinese New Year and to appease our Asian-infactuated daughter. SG "ooohed" and "aaaahed" over the decor in the front of the restaurant, as we knew she would...and then she surprised us.

When the woman (a Chinese woman) came to the counter to take our order, SG began to speak to her. In Chinese. And more shockingly, the woman understood and responded to her and they carried on a brief conversation.

So...when did my 8 year old learn to speak Chinese???

Apparently the discussion centered around the New Year and the two were exchanging pleasantries. We asked SG where she learned this and she replied "in a book". I asked "A book you read today?" and she shook her head and said she had read it last year, in second grade, while poking around the school media center.

In another direction, I took full advantage of EH last night. And it was fan-fucking-tastic! For him too, I think! I definitely got the impression that he saw fireworks and heard symphonies playing.

We discussed using birth control for a few months. Not something I want, however with our hopes of planning a relocation, getting pregnant right now would be difficult. I asked EH (jokingly) if he wanted to wear a condom and he glared and shook his head emphatically. I asked if he wanted to pull out and he just looked at me. I said "I assume that's also a no?"

I told him I would take care of it. I think there's some new spermicide dissolving things on the market. It's been 10 years since I even thought about birth control, so I'll have to explore it.

When EH realized the situation he changed his mind.

EH: "Okay, Okay...I'll withdraw subtly"

OW: "I don't want you to withdraw 'subtly'!"

EH: "Would you prefer I pull out with a flourish?"

EH: "Behold! My 'fountain of love'!"

I don't want him to withdraw at all, frankly. I love the feeling of him inside me. I love the after, when I can still feel him. Smell him. Taste him.

This topic just can't go without mentioning the Seinfeld episode. I used to love those damned sponges. And EH is very "sponge-worthy".

Posted by Red :: 9:13 AM :: | ---------------------------------------

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Secrecy and a Craving...

On the drive into work this morning, unexpected detours and traffic made for a longer than usual car pool for EH and I. We sat, side by side, in our morning funks...him mainlining coffee through a 457 ounce mug and me chugging soda. The radio talk show we enjoy in the mornings featured a topic on spouses who "knew something about their spouses, that the spouses did not know that they knew".

(Yeah, I know...read it a few times if you have to, it does make sense).

People were calling in with all manner of things. A husband who's wife was an exotic dancer - she claimed to be teaching night school and he spotted her at a club. He never told her he knew. A wife who knew her husband was adopted, although he didn't know himself. A man who knew his cousin's wife was a former prostitute "ala massage parlor girl"., etc.

One woman called in and said her fiance liked to masturbate while standing over her sleeping body. That one was a little...strange.

EH and I began to ponder this topic. We decided that neither of us knew anything about the other that the first person did not know we knew. (Whew...)

What is the point of the secrecy? EH is the one person I don't want to keep secrets from. Does it take anything away from the relationship to have this lurking secrecy?

On another note, I am craving a little fun...and not necessarily sex. I want to get my hands on my husband tonight and give him a little selfless pleasure. Let him lie back and relax while I do my very best by him...I keep thinking about how he feels in my hands, how his body moves when the pleasure runs through it, how he tastes, how he feels against the roof of my mouth...

Mmmm...there's no better feeling than having intense sexual desire for the man you just happen to be married to. And I certainly do not lack for that!

Posted by Red :: 4:40 PM :: | --------------------------------------- Confessions of a Quiet Mardi Gras

Okay, so I know I told you all to go home last night and engage in a little debauchery in the spirit of Mardi Gras, but I have a confession to make...

I didn't...

Once again I worked late...just not as late. We got home and I set about making dinner. EH had a hard day at work and was just plainly exhausted.

I insisted we forego the wild sex when I noticed how tired he looked. He protested mildly and I told him he was worth waiting for. The night was a quiet one after all. A nice meal, some good tv, wrestling with our daughter over green beans, loving exchanges and cuddling.

This weekend, we've decided we would like to go to the beach and renew our wedding vows privately for our own hearts. I had almost forgotten we were to do that and EH reminded me this morning. Something about the way he seems to be eager to do it makes my heart feel all warm.

SG is getting picked on at school. Typical kid's stuff, but she's sensitive. She refuses to stand up for herself because she doesn't want to be mean back to the kids. She says "I'm not the kind of girl. I'm a good girl." EH and I spent the entire ride home trying to teach her funny comebacks to use and she was amused, but still refuses...she did confess that she wants us to only think of her as a good girl and not the kind of kid who would talk back to anyone...which worries me. Perhaps we've been too strict with her... This is an 8 year old (soon to be 9) who never gets in trouble...I almost wish she'd cut up a little. How do you handle a child who is overly well behaved?

Despite the sexual sacrifices made last night, I still have a glow. Even a quiet night with EH doing absolutely nothing is just wonderful...

Posted by Red :: 1:14 PM :: | --------------------------------------- The Year of the Rooster

Happy Chinese New Year! The Lunar Year of the Rooster has begun. Now, granted my family and I are not even remotely Chinese, but we still get a thrill out of exploring cultures.

The Chinese are a superstitious bunch. And just to be on the safe side, here are a few tips...

Don't cry today. If you cry on the first day of the New Year, you will cry all year long.

Don't use any foul language today. Negative terms and the word "four" (Ssu, which sounds like the word for death) are completely taboo today.

Make no references to the previous year. No looking back. All focus should be on a new beginning.

Do not wash your hair today. You wash away good luck if you do...

Our daughter is obsessed with all things Asian at the moment. I think tonight we will give her lai see, a little red envelope containing a crisp one dollar bill for good fortune. This way she can feel a bit more part of the holiday.

2005 is the year of the Wood Rooster (Yi You). The year of the Yin Rooster teaches the lessons of order, scrutiny and strategic planning. The sage advice of Sun-Zi which is still taught in modern military circles, advises one to "achieve psychological advantage over the adversary and use force only as a last resort."

During Rooster years, we also see the improvising of difficult situations. Rooster years straighten-up and put life back into order, including re-building, reconstructing and beginning from scratch. This could not better apply to my life right now as EH and I move to rebuild our marriage and begin a new life...potentially relocating. Through this year we are encouraged to seek emotional solace by surrounding ourself with nature and the natural beauty of the Earth. A year when it is especially important to exercise tolerance, channel inner energies into creativity and release our souls of any resentments or bitterness...I know you're all thinking how well this also applies to me, right? I'll do my best. No promises.

I think the proverb that says it best is "Don't shout at the darkness, put on the light".

And, finally - Chinese fables are most intriguing...

I leave you with a Chinese tale today, in the hopes that you find that person who has the same red fairy cord wound 'round their ankle. I am confident that I have found mine in EH.


"KNOW YOURSELF AND KNOW THE OTHER SIDE, THEN YOU WILL WIN EVERY TIME."
Sun-Zi,
Famous Chinese military strategist,
from Ping-Fa the "Act of War"

Posted by Red :: 9:44 AM :: | ---------------------------------------

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

In the spirit...

...of Mardi Gras, do something deliciously, decadently, sinfully fun tonight. Make a little revelry...

Then tell me all about it...

I'll try to do the same.

Posted by Red :: 2:43 PM :: | --------------------------------------- Fat Tuesday

Happy Mardi Gras!

Fat Tuesday has arrived and my family is in the spirit. We have our King's Cake sitting home waiting for us tonight and we're all decked out in beads. I'm proud of my bead collection since I personally bought all but one pair in the French Quarter of New Orleans. The one exception is a strand EH bought me covered in hibiscus flowers and coconut cocktails and a tiki god center piece. These are the good beads, love. Not the 10 cent colored strands. You'd have to do more than flash to get a pair like these. These are sexual favor beads. The "Bead Game" in the Quarter is a year round charm, not only at Mardi Gras when it's pretty well confined to Bourbon Street). This generally involves an exchange of some sort. Probably the most common sight is the flashing of female chests for beads, although guys flash too. Beads are also traded for kisses or hugs, or just because someone likes your looks or feels sorry for you. On my trip to New Orleans in August of '03, I was wandering the Quarter alone at night...because I'm just that kind of crazy chick - and I won a pair of beads from a guy for sharing my lighter with him.

EH and I used to dream of running away to New Orleans. We joked that he'd "wrassle" gators in the bayou and I'd saute them. Having now been there, I can only say it's a fun place for a short visit...and that's it.

During my own excursion, on a business trip, I wandered the Quarter and appreciated the charms. I poked through the dark voodoo shops, I paid tribute to Marie Laveau's true grave and gave a nod to her symbolic gravesite. I sipped chicory coffee while listening to a jazz musician on a warm morning. I rode in a carriage. I fended off more men than I could count, including a tour guide who grabbed me and kissed me as I passed him, then asked if he could see me again. Friendly city, that New Orleans. I paid hommage to the House of Blues. I dined at Three Sisters under the stars and fairy lights. I marveled at the river.

And then I went home. Without EH, New Orleans just seemed wrong.

Mardi Gras is fun for our family because it encourages the debauchery and wild behavior we seem to be capable of year-round. Today, I'll blend in rather than stand out. Even with my purple hair.

Oh...I didn't mention my hair was purple? Maybe more of a bordeaux color, really. It'll fade.

Here's my throwing my cyber-beads your way, reader. And you didn't even have to flash me (although I feel I got ripped off on that exchange.) Ah, well. Send your naked pictures to me at theoddwife@gmail.com. Or at least send me sexy emails.

Posted by Red :: 10:01 AM :: | ---------------------------------------

Monday, February 07, 2005

Cyber-Lovers Beware

"If you like Pina Coladas...and getting caught in the rain"

This story cracked me up.

Sadly, the pair did not have the happy ending of the song...

Posted by Red :: 1:33 PM :: | --------------------------------------- The Fates

Wow, busy blog weekend!

Thank you to all the people who either emailed or commented on my recent posts. Every one of you made an impression on me.

One commenter asked me a question and I have responded in that same post's comments. But I wanted to say that I appreciated the question. I'm always open to questions that are challenging.

SuperBowl Sunday was quiet for us...for a change! EH's best buddy had left a message, but we could never reach him back. I felt for EH being stuck with girls for the game, so I did what I could to make it fun. I made buffalo chicken tenders, sweet & sour meatballs, nachos, little football cakes, beer, fried mozzarella and chicken quesadilla wraps. It seemed like a good idea at the time...but just writing that this morning makes my stomach turn. Every so often, during the game, I would flash EH and yell "wardrobe malfunction!"

I also kept trying to bet him. I bet him 15 minutes of oral fun on the coin toss...and I won. Then I bet a 15 minute back massage on the first team to score...and I won. And then EH refused to bet anymore. Sore loser. Sheesh.

There is a story in the news that I have been following for about a week. This morning, a local radio station released the results of a polygraph exam and the story was proven to be "overwhelmingly truthful".

If this story doesn't make you think about fates and destiny...I don't know what will.

Posted by Red :: 9:07 AM :: | ---------------------------------------

Saturday, February 05, 2005

2nd Chances

With so many issues clouding my mind, the only thing certain in my never-ending quest for answers is that there will probably never be any. At least a good part of the dark feelings has subsided for the moment.

EH is asleep now. Sated and happy, as am I. I put on the new outfit we chose last weekend and it served its purpose. A baby pink push-up camisole and panty set trimmed in black lace and a laced up the front on top and bottom in black ribbon. I wore it for about 6 minutes before he demanded it off.

We spoke earlier today about renewing our wedding vows. We have always intended to do it on our 10th wedding anniversary (next year) but in light of the past year, we are going to do it soon in addition. Just him and I, on the beach, at night, alone. We’ll write our own promises to each other and offer them up again. Maybe a little wiser. Maybe a little less naïve.

In our wedding, we wrote our own vows. Part of it was promising to “take responsibility for each others happiness”. We were so foolish. You can never take responsibility for another person’s happiness. You have to find your own happiness – and if you are very lucky, you find someone to share in it with you.

I love my husband. I am in love with my husband. And I do believe he is in love with me. I’m still not sure what that means, or where the boundaries lie…but I’m willing to discover it again.

I watched the movie Secretary last night for the first time with Maggie Gyllenhaal and James Spader. I had thought it would be an erotic flick and was surprised that it turned out to be something different for me.

The dominatrix/submission scene has never been one I could envision EH and I in. For starters, I can’t see him playing the dom and that’s the only way I would be interested in it. I’m a complete type A personality and noted control freak, so for me, giving up control and allowing someone to command me would be so lovely…but unrealistic. The closest EH and I have come to dom/sub is corsetry. I have two corsets – the real ones, not the cutesy trendy ones – that he has enjoyed lacing me into. And because of the constraints of the corset, he who stays the ties holds control. I actually knew a male dom once. For a feisty person like myself it was remarkable that he demonstrated an immediate ability to command me. I guess I have the submissive side in me after all. It wasn’t sexual, just intriguing.

What struck me in Secretary was the love Lee had for Mr. Grey. The way she stayed, palms down, feet in position at the desk for 7+ days waiting for his return. Her suffering was for him and she was rewarded for it. The marriage and glimpse into their life together was intriguing also. Two people with very twisted and different ideas of love found one another and made a life together despite the shock and disapproval of the masses.

It reminded me that love is not perfect. It follows no rules. It comes with pain and joy and confusion and grief. But you are guaranteed to feel - and maybe that’s enough.

I’m going to let myself love after all.

Posted by Red :: 4:05 AM :: | ---------------------------------------

Friday, February 04, 2005

I know, I know...

You're wondering what the heck happened that put me in such a negative spot, right?

Nothing really.

EH has been wonderful. He's not misbehaving or mistreating me. The truth is that I just looked around and realized in the past 10 months I have lost mother, father, sister and nearly husband all to affairs.

And truthfully, I feel really alone. I don't believe in people right now at all. I feel as if I need to learn to push people away before they walk away.

I believe people are only out for themselves. I believe they can say they love you while simulataneously plotting ways to deceive you.

I believe honesty in a person is about as rare as winning lottery tickets.

I believe I've grown up in a world full of bullshit romantic propaganda, only to suddenly have those beliefs shattered. And I just don't know where to go from here.

Do I accept this as reality and just work to harden my heart against future pains? Do I try to be optimistic and believe it's just a spot of bad luck? Do I become a recluse and hide out from interacting with people? Do I become a cheater too?

What's the point of a marriage in this world today? If people can't be faithful, why are we bothering to have marriages at all?

Posted by Red :: 1:44 PM :: | --------------------------------------- Why do men cheat? (From iVillage)

by Abby Schwartz and Eileen Livers
Like it or not men cheat. iVillage members get to the bottom of this issue

They have wandering eyes. They're obsessed with Page 3. They come home from one-too-many late nights at the 'office'; with lipstick on their collars. To whatever degree, men do cheat and they do it more than women. In the original Kinsey Report, published more than 50 years ago, approximately 60 per cent of men, compared to 30 per cent of women, were unfaithful to their spouses before the age of 40. Those numbers have remained much the same in subsequent studies. The bottom line is why do men cheat?iVillagers believe men cheat for the following five reasons:

1. SEX.
Men just can't control their eyes, hands and ...

'Women need a reason to have an affair, men just need a place' - go_getter

'Men will cheat if given the opportunity. They are just like that! They can be happy in their relationship and life, but if the opportunity to cheat is there, they will do it! I really believe they can't help it.' - ldrake5477

'I asked my boyfriend why men cheat.... He said, 'Men do it for sex'. He said that a man can have sex with another woman and not feel anything for her' - pismotam

2. Quick Fix.
Although sneaking around takes a lot of effort, many iVillagers believe that more effort is required to salvage a rocky relationship.

'People have affairs because they are lazy. It is easier to go running off with the office tramp than it is to admit something is wrong with your relationship and make a commitment to work on it' - jesusfreak1

'I think if people took half the time and effort they put into sneaking around and channelled that energy into making a great marriage or relationship, they would realise that, most of the time, what they are looking for has always been with them.' - who_dat

'Sometimes the thought of divorcing and changing everyone's lives is much too hard to handle. So the easier choice is an affair. I don't think it's the right choice, but most people will take the easier road, thinking no one will be hurt because they are keeping the marriage and family intact. - lovestargazer

. The fragile male ego.
We all like to be complimented by the opposite sex and, according to many iVillage women, that's the ground for most men's affairs.

'My now ex-husband not only cheated on me but on every former lover, girlfriend and wife (one before me) with whom he was involved. It was an emotional thing. He had to prove to himself that he was attractive and appreciated by women. It was his way of judging himself and his own self worth. - laughingagain

'I think unfaithfulness goes hand in hand with low self-worth. Cheaters seek approval or fulfilment in the eyes of another person when they should be looking within themselves.' - weasy71

'I think it has a lot more to do with how the cheater fells about his/her self, rather than how the cheater feels about his/her spouse.' - lee_823

4. To Fill a Void.
Many iVillagers concluded that men cheat because they are not satisfied with their relationships. When something is missing, be it regular sex or healthy communication, men try to fill this gap with an affair.

'Just like women, men cheat when there is something lacking in a relationship. The wife may not even see what's missing. Maybe the man wants kinkier sex and is afraid to ask, or has already been turned down. Maybe he's cheating with another woman who doesn't nag him.' - barrysgal

'My husband and I had problems, and he tried to solve them with someone else. It didn't solve them - it just made them worse.' - djb61

'I guess, in a nutshell, the reason why a spouse cheats is because he/she feels alone.' - olivepop

5. They're Selfish. ,br>Whether they're immature, greedy or just haven't got a clue, some men don't value or respect their partners, say iVillagers.

'Sometimes people cheat in a marriage because they are not mature enough to understand and live by their vows.' - meanmommy

'Cheating is one of the most selfish acts a person can commit, because despite the fact that they entered into a relationship with another person they choose to act as though they are the only one whose feelings, needs and desires matter.' - nura_p

'Somehow we've become so convinced about what we're entitled to that we have completely lost sight of what we are responsible for. It doesn't matter who gets hurt, as long as we get what we want.' - juliewho

'I believe some people are so needy they devour their partner's love and move on.' - a2zx3

....the end

The most shocking thing for me was when I clicked on the message board to glance around. There were thousands of women with their stories. Some new, some posting after 17 months or more...all miserable.

What the fuck?

I have completely lost my faith in humankind.

Posted by Red :: 1:28 PM :: | --------------------------------------- Let Me Go...by 3 Doors Down

One more kiss could be the best thing
But one more lie could be the worst
And all these thoughts are never resting
And you're not something I deserve

In my head there's only you now
This world falls on me
In this world there's real and make believe
And this seems real to me

You love me but you dont know who I am
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand
And you love me but you dont know who I am
So let me go
Let me go

I dream ahead to what I hope for
And I turn my back on loving you
How can this love be a good thing
When I know what I'm goin through

In my head there's only you now
This world falls on me
In this world there's real and make believe
And this seems real to me

You love me but you dont know who I am
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand
You love me but you dont know who I am
So let me go
Just let me go
Let me go

And no matter how hard I try
I can't escape these things inside I know
I know..
When all the pieces fall apart
You will be the only one who knows
Who knows

You love me but you dont know who I am
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand
And you love me but you dont know Who I am
So let me go
Just let me go

Posted by Red :: 8:40 AM :: | --------------------------------------- Broken

In my ongoing quest to understand the various dynamics of infidelity from both the unfaithful and the cuckold standpoints, I have yet another thing to share with you.

In random posts throughout this blog I have discussed my mother.

My mother was always a woman I admired and looked up to. When I was a small child, I remember lying in bed waiting for her to “tuck me in”. When she adjusted the covers, I would lie perfectly still, not wanting to disturb the covers from the way she had placed them. In my mind, she was perfect, so however she chose to place the sheets was also perfect.

We grew very close when I reached adulthood. We became more like best friends than mother and daughter.

My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was 18. She was only 36. It was serious. My grandmother had just died of the same cancer. I watched my mother fight this disease with everything she had, nearly giving up several times. She lost her hair, she had complications, she had moments when she couldn’t go on…but she made it. She survived.

The cancer changed her and she turned from quiet, organized, responsible person into a party animal, flirtatious maniac.

We went out dancing and drinking together. By 2 am I was beat and she was still dancing. I honestly could not keep up with her. Soon, men entered the picture and she became a flirting machine. Eventually, I came to learn she was having affairs.

I was in a difficult position. My stepfather has been my stepfather since I was 6 years old. He’s a quiet and gentle man who has always been there for me. I’ve always thought of him as my true father. He had no interest in going out all the time because he worked at a job with very early morning hours. He either was unaware or turned a blind eye to her new love life.

Last year, my mother stopped coming home to my stepfather entirely. Never a word, she just stopped coming. The few nights she actually did come home, he didn’t question it. I imagine he didn’t want to know.

After 3 months, she moved out. And into another man’s home. She asked for a divorce.

My stepfather was mortified. His entire life was built around my mother. I knew things were bad the day EH and I awoke at 6 am to discover he had unloaded 27 bags of groceries on our doorstep. Apparently he decided he didn’t need a pantry full of food for one man and just left it on our doorstep like some wayward Santa.

He stopped calling me. He stopped answering his phone. He refused my attempts to see or speak to him. He once confided to my mother that he felt like he wasn’t my blood father, so there was no point in remaining in my life. My daughter still wonders what happened to her Grandfather. He still doesn’t call. He still avoids any attempt from us to see him or speak to him. The last time I heard from him was the day we lost our baby in August. He called the hospital, told me how sorry he was that he had not called and how sorry he was about the baby. He promised to stay in touch. I never heard from him again.

Whenever there’s a news story about a man who has been in an accident or crime, I get worried that it might be him. He was my father for 26 years and he just disappeared.

He doesn’t see anyone. I know this because he works for the same company EH works for. Only my stepfather comes in before anyone else and works in “the field” where no one sees him. EH has not laid eyes on him in almost 6 months of working there. He has no friends. He has no local family besides me.

And he’s gone from my life.

His birthday is this Wednesday. I’m sending him a card that just says “I miss you”.

I barely speak to my mother. She has been so wrapped up in her new boyfriend that she too avoids interacting with anyone else. Last year I saw her exactly 3 times and she lives 20 minutes from me. She attempted suicide just after I learned of EH’s indiscretion and just before I lost the baby. She felt ignored by her boyfriend and decided to kill herself. I got the call at work telling me that she had done this. I collapsed, hysterical, and had to be brought home by a co-worker/friend. My blood pressure rose so dramatically that I was admitted to the hospital the following day. No matter how hard I tried, my blood pressure would never stabilize during my pregnancy. This was probably a major factor in losing the baby, which is why I frequently attribute the loss to stress. I tried to take care of myself, to stay calm. I came home from work every day and went straight to bed. But there were so many horrible situations occurring all at the same time.

And then there is my sister. My half-sister, to be exact, at 12 years my junior. When she turned 14 she became a very troubled teen…not a big surprise as my biological father (her father also) was not much of a father and her mother (my former stepmother) is terminally ill with a disease similar to Alzheimers (Huntingtons Chorea). I took her in and raised her as my own through her high school graduation. I turned her life around, kept her on a straight path and she was doing wonderfully. She has a serious boyfriend for nearly 3 years now that she lives with…a guy we all adore. Starting in around October, she began cheating on him. She contracted a serious venereal disease from her sleazy ‘other’ boyfriend and had to be hospitalized. She passed it on to her live-in boyfriend as well. She knows I disapprove, and we don’t speak much anymore as a result.

I’m sure that somehow these situations have played into the scenario with EH and I. If my stepfather can desert me and my family because he is so hurt by my mother’s affair and my mother can turn from a woman I adored into an obsessed, self-destructive drama queen and my sister (who I practically raised) can turn into an example of everything I despise causing my relationship with her to disappear…then how can I not imagine that infidelity is practically life-ending? Last year, on top of the situation with EH, people’s “indiscretions” also cost me every member of my family. There truly is no one left.

So, when it seems that I let this hurt a little too much. Or that I’m a little too damaged or broken, understand that there are many factors in place – and I’m not just a weak little girl. It took a hell of a lot to bring me to my knees, but that certainly is where I’ve ended up. I can’t be that weak, however…because if you ever read the list of disasters and tragedies that happened to me ALL in 2004, it’s a fucking miracle I didn’t end up having a nervous breakdown or killing myself. Even one of the 27 tragedies I experienced personally last year could have broken a person’s spirit.

I know I’m broken. What I don’t know is whether or not I can be fixed. I get up every day, I go to work, I try to make sense of the pain that is all around me…but I just haven’t found my way back to solid footing. I’ve lost my faith in people entirely. There is not one person in this world that I feel as if I can count on.

But I don’t call myself “The Broken Wife”. And I’m still trying to find my way in a world I just don’t understand anymore.

Posted by Red :: 8:27 AM :: | ---------------------------------------