Thursday, December 30, 2004
This post is to Mac, who said s/he(?) had experienced some problems similar to EH's and mine this year and asked how we fixed it.
I wish it were a simple answer.
The biggest "fix" was EH. The very second that I found out what had been going on and was staring at a few months worth of evidence I called him at work (he was expecting SG and I to arrive there for a movie any moment) and confronted him. He never made excuses and he was sorrier than you've ever seen a man.
I can't speak to what went through his mind, but I can tell you I was demanding he leave the home from the first words out of my mouth. I think that he knew in a heartbeat that it really was going to be over and suddenly realized how important the marriage was to him.
In the ensuing weeks...make that months, EH was patient. He tolerated every single rage I threw at him. When I screamed and called him horrible names, he agreed wholeheartedly with me and threw in a few names of his own. When I cried, he held me. When I felt shattered and broken, he did everything he could to hold me together. When I was upset to the point of vomiting repeatedly, he rubbed my back and begged for another chance. He never made excuses or tried to justify his actions. He was (and still is) far harder on himself than I could be. When I raged and hated (and I mean fucking hated) the whore he was involved with, he hated right along with me.
Along with that, it took talking until the issue had been talked to pieces. It took a lot of holding each other and kissing and making love to reconnect. It took sharing our deepest, darkest feelings openly - even if they were going to hurt. It took honesty. It took time.
I maintain that EH's behavior was a major role in the healing. Had he made even one excuse or given me one moment to doubt that he could do it again...I would have thrown him out in the beat of a breath. But he has put in tireless effort to be the best husband any man could be and I have to admit...he's damned good at it.
It's in the way he holds me. Strokes my hair. Looks into my eyes and smiles without saying anything. The way he watches me. The way he responds to my smile. The way he touches me. The selfless concerns for my well-being. It's in the way he puts my needs (and SG's) so far ahead of his own that I find myself worrying he's neglecting himself and have to try to give it back to him. It's in every hug, every kiss, every "I love you".
These days...what we went through is becoming a distant memory. The man in my life now is Prince Charming come to life and I'll give every breath I have to treating him as well as he treats me.
What did it take? Time. Patience (his, I had none). Luck. Lots and lots of love. Pain.
I'm sorry you went through this. Having experienced it, I wouldn't wish it on anyone...(well, ok - one person.) But I can offer you one bit of hope. If you can find your way through it together, you come out so much stronger and more in love for it. I can honestly say that in many ways it was worth it.
Posted by Red ::
9:16 AM ::