Friday, December 31, 2004
It's that time of year again - New Year's Eve. And I am so fucking relieved it's here.
2004 has been, without a doubt, the worst year of my life. Let's recap, shall we?
1. I was dragged against my will to a Monster Truck Rally for my birthday. It sucked. I'm just not a monster truck kinda girl. EH gives me nothing - not a card, not a gift, nothing. It's a sign of things to come.
2. EH went out of town to Sundance for 10 days immediately after my birthday. I spent the entire 10 days remodeling the bedroom alone and with 2 separated discs in my back. I worked 18 hours a day every day to get it done to surprise him. When we picked him up at the airport and brought him home, I had a bottle of chilled wine, a tray of sliced fruits and chocolate dipping sauce and lit candles filling the room. He barely noticed. He went straight to sleep. Not one sign of appreciation.
3. EH's job requires him to work from 2 pm - 11 pm 6 days a week with Monday off. We see each other maybe 6 hours a week.
4. EH has to work on Valentine's Day. I spend the night alone and sad. There is no card, no gift, nothing.
5. EH's awful work hours continue. I begin to slide into depression. I am alone around the clock and when EH is home, there is no interaction between us at all.
6. Our anniversary - I do all the arranging and reservations, EH does nothing. I spring a "state of the marriage" conversation on him and let him know I am unhappy right now with our marriage and being ignored every day.
7. Our daughter's birthday...EH has to work. I take her out with friends alone. No party, nothing special.
7 1/2. Depressed and unhappy, at a work-related event I have far too much to drink and find myself being kissed by someone who should never have crossed that line. I go home and cry but don't tell anyone.
8. Easter...EH has to work. I am miserable. I spend the night with our daughter at a friends house just to have something to do for the holiday.
9. Our car breaks down. Now I am not only alone every day, but I am chained to the house without transportation.
10. Air & Sea show - an annual tradition of ours - EH has to work. My daughter and I go alone and again, we have to spend the night at a friends house to get to the show early (so I can ride with them).
11. EH and I are now barely speaking. I am rushed to the ER after passing out. A quack dr tells me I am in kidney failure and I nearly go into cardiac arrest. It turns out to be a violent kidney infection instead.
12. I tell EH that if he works on Mother's Day I will divorce him. I think I even mean it.
13. My longtime job as a work-from-home rep falls apart and I am unemployed. As the primary breadwinner, this is devastating.
14. I buy a brand new car.
15. Memorial Day - EH works. I'm fucking tired of it. Alone again.
16. I get hired at my current job.
17. On my 3rd day at work, I learn I am pregnant - shocking considering the lack of sex - and the fact that we tried for 6 years to have another baby unsuccessfully. I wonder if this could be an immaculate conception.
18. 6 days later I come home from work and find evidence that EH is having an affair - or long-distance relationship, rather - with a woman online...and that it has been going on for months. I freak out.
19. I begin paying $130 a week for a marriage counselor. I demand EH changes jobs to a job that helps pay the bills and has hours conducive to a family if we are to salvage this marriage.
20. I am having daily emotional breakdowns.
21. I am sick as a dog with the new baby.
22. My mother - a woman who has always been my best friend - attempts suicide. I get the call at work. My new employer is obviously beginning to wonder what kind of person she hired - a sullen, quiet, weepy, depressed mess of a human.
23. My new car is "accidentally" repossessed in the middle of the night by 3 thugs who intimidate EH and I at 4 in the morning by screaming in our faces and waving gigantic heavy flashlights at our heads. It takes a full day to straighten the mess out.
24. EH leaves his job without a new job. We're broke.
25. I lose the baby at 4 1/2 months. It's horrible. It's not a miscarriage, my water breaks at work and I have to endure 12 hours in the ER complete with intensely painful labor and delivery of an 18 oz son who can not survive. The baby is fully formed, just very tiny. I deliver the baby at 6:50 am in a hospital room completely alone without anyone around. I'll never forget the tiny fingers and toes. EH is home sleeping and comes back the moment I call him.
26. Eh gets hired and loses his job two weeks later.
25. I am depressed again. We're broke.
26. EH gets a new job.
27. EH loses his new job with no explanation.
28. EH gets another job - one he worked at a year or so ago. The location and hours are perfect, the money is okay. But they can only use him through the holidays.
29. EH has a grand mal seizure in the middle of making love to me and stops breathing. We spend the day in the ER.
30. EH is put on a lifetime of medication that decreases sex drive and when we do make love, it is clear that I'm affected as much as he is. During sex, the moment his muscles tighten I panic every time thinking he is going to have another seizure.
And there you have it... Wouldn't you agree this is a lousy year? So, you can see why I might be in a hurry for it to end.
In the spirit of New Year's Eve, I decided to make resolutions.
1. I will lose those extra lbs once and for all.
2. I will smile more, laugh more, enjoy life more.
3. I will be more understanding of others and be kinder to them in turn.
4. I will make time for myself to enjoy, explore, experience
5. I will purchase my first home
6. I will keep my home neater
7. I will make more time for my daughter - just to play with her, enjoy her.
8. I will learn how to bake at least one exquisite dessert that EH goes crazy for.
9. I will keep my car neater
10. I will forgive people, even if I never forget
11. I will open myself up to new friendships by being more approachable and warm to people.
12. I will learn at least a tiny bit of patience.
13. I will apply myself much more to my job and try to excel
14. I will revisit the idea of going back into business for myself.
15. I will be stronger, making decisions based on what is right for me and my future instead of on emotions.
I will love more, laugh more, live more. I will take better care of myself and the people around me.
At midnight, I am letting go of the past year for good.
I hope each and every one of you has a truly wonderful New Year's Eve and I wish the best for you in the coming year.
The Odd Wife
Posted by Red ::
11:59 PM ::