Thursday, January 12, 2006

Sometimes you can't share everything...

Sometimes you just can't share it all. There are so many things I have left out of my blog - some because I wasn't ready to face it myself, some because of who might read it...some because I don't understand it all myself.

I didn't tell you about the time I was nearly raped in Orlando by a friend. Remember the first trip when I first "dirty danced" with PC (then "Playboy")? The next morning I had to wake my ride (who was still drunk from the night before) and we had a 30 minute serious wrestling match where he tried to pin me down and remove my clothes while touching himself and ignoring my protests. I can still see that stupid smile on his face. I told no one.

I don't tell you how broke I am right now. Less than $8 to my name and nearly out of gas with no sure income in my future. How I actually considered sending SG to stay with EH and moving into a Woman's Shelter to give PC the room he needs to spend time with his boys.

I don't tell you how afraid I am of making a mistake every day with my choices. How I worry that I'm just a complete fuck-up.

I don't talk about how hard it is to adjust to a new relationship. I was spoiled and accustomed to being the center of EH's world. I used to wish he were more independent. PC is very independent and I have a hard time dealing with not being the most important thing in his day. PC used to read this blog daily because my thoughts mattered. He doesn't anymore. Does that mean my thoughts no longer matter? What would he learn about me and the things I don't say if he did read? Would he still want me?

I don't talk about how alone I feel. Or the 498 doubts I have about myself, my life, my future. Of how I believe PC is or will grow tired or bored with me and all of my mental traumas while I try to find my way back onto my own 2 feet.

I haven't shared how hard it is to be without friends and family to call and chat with or see and spend time with. Or to have heart to heart talks with.

I don't discuss how I worry that I have ruined 8 or 9 lives with my choices.

I used to share it all. Every thought. Somewhere along the line I clammed up and now there are hundreds of things in my head that I don't share with anyone. Not even my blog. Am I cheating you? Me? PC? At some point I stopped trusting my own thoughts and words enough to keep some - well, many - of them locked inside where they sit and twist and turn and hurt.

Sometimes you can't share everything. Sometimes you have to face it alone and see what comes of it.

Posted by Red :: 4:41 PM :: | ---------------------------------------