Tuesday, January 10, 2006

And so it goes...

I'm still blue, but a lighter shade today. I am focusing heavily on finding a career change which I think will help me feel stronger.

PC feels far away to me and I am not entirely sure if it's him with his walls or me with my depression. I just know that I feel like we're on different planes of existence at the moment.

I'm watching the groceries in the house dwindle down to nail-biting proportions. Is there a nutritional value to nail-biting? Because that may become necessary at this rate...

Well, look on the bright side. I wanted to lose a few pounds. This oughta do it.

I think if there was not so much pressure about money, jobs, families and personal stresses that PC and I could be great together. As it stands at the moment, the mountains of problems are keeping us from really getting to be together. We go through all of the motions of a couple, but something is missing and I think I know what that something is. The ability to focus on "us" for a change. Right now we're individually trying to focus on our own crisises. I honestly have no idea if we'll find a way to work it all out and that is sad... We never really got a chance to BE a couple because we've been slaying dragons since the first day. Another day, another crisis. When all is said and done I wonder if we will end up too exhausted from the battles to be together or find ourselves strangers when the smoke clears.

I want a chance to be a couple. I know it's too much to ask right now, but what the hell am I supposed to want? I want to go out to dinner and have nothing more to talk about than news, our childhood, our friends or something funny we saw or did. I want to be able to take SG bowling, skating, to a movie...anything so that we can spend time together as a makeshift family.

I want to make plans that don't get interrupted, delayed, rescheduled or ruined by money, soon-to-be ex-wives or stress. How can we figure out our future together when we have no quality time to do it? This is like the FEMA of relationships.

PC will be gone for an entire week over my birthday, and yes...that sucks. I know how important it is to him, but it's going to be hard to deal with. He says we can do something 'before' but I don't see that as realistic. No money, packing, preparing, seeing his boys, etc before he leaves and all the same the moment he returns on the following Sunday. I think the reality is that this year's birthday is going to be one of deep thought and contemplation. I'll be completely alone (SG spends that night with EH) and I think I'm going to make some decisions about what's right for me.

Because I have to tell you, spending my birthday completely alone with no family, friends or lovers to let me know that I matter is a pretty big eye-opener that this life isn't quite shaping up to be what I need to be happy and I'm fucking tired of being depressed and feeling burdensome to this world. There needs to be some changes made...

Posted by Red :: 10:34 AM :: | ---------------------------------------