Monday, September 26, 2005

The Wheel Turns

I don't often write about my paganism because it's a very private thing to me. I'm not open to religious debates, nor do I want to broadcast my witchy ways because for a time they were trendy and I would never want to be seen that way.

Still, from time to time, it is necessary to refer to them to better understand my thoughts.

The autumn equinox has just passed. In paganism, the seasons are thought of as the "Wheel of the Year", turning and changing seasons in a metaphor for life. We are born (spring), we thrive (summer), we age and reflect (fall) and we die (winter) so that new life can be born. Now is a time for reflection, for reaping that which we have sown, for harvesting our lives in preparation for the winter.

I reflect on the past year. A year ago, I was deeply wounded and recovering from a nearly fatal blow to my marriage, the loss of a baby I had wanted for so long and several other lesser crisises. I was working at an entry level position in an industry that was new to me. I was trying to rebuild my life. In the span of a year, I have moved on to become an upper level manager in that same industry (record time, I have to say with pride) and I am prepared to take stock of my life.

My marriage is stronger. Not perfect. Not wonderful. The dreamlike days of pure romance that we experienced in the wake of our problems was very much like a second honeymoon and we have now settled into a more solid and comfortable place together. I still long for the romance of it all, but feel slightly more secure in finding comfort together again.

My relationship with my mother is over. She only has the ability to be hurtful and withdrawn right now and has no interest in help from me. She has to find her way through this depression alone. I can only pray she'll go back on her medication for bi-polar and that one day we can reconnect before it's too late. It still hurts me a lot, but I am learning to let go. You can't hold someone who doesn't want you to be near them. A lot of damage has been done and there's a chance that she may recover and find I can't be the close friend I was to her for so many years. I can't imagine ever being close to her again. Being pushed away by your mother is very painful.

My career has taken off and will hopefully continue to do so. I never did give you the details, so I will now. Basically, the company I was at under CB (Crazy Boss) was falling apart and a day at work felt more like a 3-ring circus. So much so that PlayBoy and I would often hum the circus theme under our breath as a mutual joke. Cb and PlayBoy were both seeking other opportunities that we could pursue as a team. I told them both that I had contacts and could help. CB dismissed me. PlayBoy came to me and said "make the call". I did. 24 hours later I handed him a company. An existing company looking to branch out in the direction we had mastered has offered us the chance to build through them. We took it. PlayBoy, myself and EH. I expect Gman and Dgirl to join us soon.

I've grown up a little. I've turned my back on impulses that I would normally welcome because I recognized that they would only mean problems in the long run. I've made decisions based on the long term/big picture and not just the here and now. I've made choices that I feel are valid and well thought out. I've learned a great deal.

The most important thing I have learned is to question myself. My feelings are often across the board and that's okay. I am allowed to feel things, but how I act upon those feelings is another matter. I am slowly learning to control my reactions and not give flight to every feeling I experience.

I've gained a small bit of confidence back, but recognize that I have a long way to go.

I have no idea where next fall might find me. This has been a rollercoaster of a year and I would be a fool to try to guess. But I will draw on the things I have experienced, the good and the bad, and use that knowledge to make better choices every chance I get.

Posted by Red :: 11:51 PM :: | ---------------------------------------