Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Nip/Tuck Episode 1 Ramblings

***If you haven't watched Nip/Tuck's season premier and don't want to be spoiled - go away!***

"Tell me what you don't like about yourself..."

WHAT THE FUCK??? If Christian Troy is dead, I stop watching. I mean it. I really do. Damn it!!! Stop eulogizing! Hey, is Matt starting to look like Michael Jackson? Wake up! Wake up! Not dead! Say he's not dead!
Tell me it's a dream.
Tell me it's a dream.
Tell me it's a dream.
Getting nervous here.
Okay, whew, it's a dream. DAMN I hate that!

Christian is so hot...

Ewwww...he was raped? I will personally fuck up that Carver-asshole.

Intro...does that hand jerking to the heart beat freak anyone else out?

Julia and Sean? Really? Okay... Um....maybe not... When did Julia become such a slut???

Those are the ugliest breasts I have ever seen...How hot would Dr. Troy be in those new brown scrubs? Ew. I've changed my mind, I will never get a boob-job. Heh, good to see Liz hasn't changed.

Too bad Kimber is such a skank. Don't tell me he's back with her. MARRY ME???? Are you fucking kidding me???? (I'll marry him) Thank god she's saying no (dumb-ass) but how realistic is that? We all know she'd marry him in a heartbeat. I mean, c'mon - it's a little late for her to grow values.

Does anyone really believe Julia and Sean will divorce? I'm not buying it.

Commercial break. A special preview of Rent! Woohoo! I love this song! 525,600 minutes! How do you measure - measure a year? Me and BestFriendM are totally seeing this. Sea-sons of lo-o-o-o-ve! Was this really the musical phenomenon that defined a generation? Ooooooh! Another preview coming soon of Memoirs of a Geisha (my favorite book!). The commercials are nearly as good as the show!

Damn. Pretty shrink. Christian's totally going to fuck her by the 3rd episode. Hung like a toddler? That would be heart-breaking.

ACK!!!!!!!! Did they seriously just show Christian Troy getting ass-raped??? This is distracting me from him being naked in the shower. I can't take these vacillating emotions! I couldn't appreciate his bare ass.

Oh, boo-fucking-hoo Sean. Asshole. Have you ever met a bigger cry-baby? This is getting ugly... Only a true man-hating lesbian could give him that dry of a greeting.

Uh-oh...new victim? This isn't looking good. What could be worse? A fat lady? What am I missing? How is being fat worse than being carved up and ass-raped by a guy in a mask?

Commercial break. Ooooh! Memoirs of a Geisha! Looks good. Did I mention I love this book?

The fat lady is alive? Are you kidding me? She smells that bad? Oooooh, she likes Sean! AHAHAHAHAHAHAH! Go get her, tiger! This lady is pretty fucking far from fine. Wow...this is all new levels of fat. I may have to give up eating entirely. It's not your freaking sciatica! It's the side of beef you had for breakfast. Oooooh, shit...this is gross. She is fucking grown into the couch. How do you let yourself get to this point? Holy hell. When they have to cut a WALL out of the house to get you out of it and transport you on a flatbed truck, you have problems. I swear, I just gave up fried foods. And couches.

Are we sure she's not sitting on her husband?

I love Dr. Troy's sunglasses. I love Dr. Troy IN sunglasses. He could do my boob-job. If I was having a boob-job. He could do a few dozen consultations for me anyway.

Who's this schmuck? Quentin? The role of sexy, flirty doctor is FUCKING filled, what part of that don't you get? Loser. Leave.

Heh. Priceless look on his Christian's face. What's the matter? Not into the big women, Dr. Troy? You're so shallow. I still love you.

Commerical break: Fun with Dick and Jane? Wow...this sounds a little like my last job. "We may be in a little bit of a pickle, Dick" - are you kidding me? Okay...the electric dog collar thing made me laugh, I admit it. I'll see this one when it's on dvd.

Hey! Christian just pulled a Clark Kent!

THAT'S her husband??? She's UMA IN KILL BILL to him??? How drunk is he?

Yawn, Julia's mother and her divorce talk. Dull, dull, dull.

Ew. Ew. Ew. She doesn't want her husband to see her without her FACE on???

Yeah...go slow. She just wants to keep holding Christian's hand. Almost worth getting fat and growing into a couch for. How'd she get this role?

Ew. Ew. Ew. Forget that. Not worth growing into a couch. This is seriously gross. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Uh oh...! Mama's going down. Geeeez.

Commercial Break: What's with all the movies??? FreedomLand? Why is Julianne Moore not a redhead? Apalling.

Another funeral. Mama, not Christian. I can live with that. Oh honey, it's going to take more dirt than that. THREE cemetery plots???

Ohhhh, fuck me. Don't hire Quentin. I don't like that guy. Wait...what? What?!? HE WANTS THE COUCH?!?!?

Ahhhh, Christian has the hot shrink in his place. She's toast. Toast, I tell you. Who can resist Christian? Heh, yeah he's hard, but the anal thing isn't very nice. I'm thinking seconds until she's naked. Yeah...she wants him. Sob story time. Widowed after 6 months. Blah, blah, blah - any moment and she's naked and sweating. Lie down? REAL professional. RE-ENACT the attack??? Sick bitch. Just fuck him. You know you're going to. What's with this shit? Is crawling on top of him therapeutic? He's not exactly complaining, is he? She hikes up the skirt and straddles him? Aaaaand they're kissing. Aaaand they're fucking.

God, he's hot. And naked. Kinda naked. Geeez, pants OFF Christian.

Whooooops! Hi Kimber! Ahahahahahahaha! Whoa. No way. THREEsome???? Only Christian. Kimber's still a skank. Christian's still a dog. How on earth can these two women be all over each other with him right there? He's too hot to ignore.

Blah, blah, blah, Julia and Sean at odds again. He's signing and she's ready to back off. Think this'll go on for a whole season? Yawn!!!

Stay tuned for scenes from this season of Nip/Tuck.

Commercial break: All The Kings Men. A LOT of movies. Sean Penn. Yawn. Never been a Sean Penn fan. He annoys me.

Okay! Scenes! Threesomes, gorillas, hey - what the fuck happened to Matt? Dead bodies with mixed up parts? Ew, sex toy in the corpse. Hey - who's that kid having sex with the body? Is psycho-wench life counselor's son the Carver? That was my guess...

Oy. Tired now. Why can't this show be on earlier???

Posted by Red :: 11:34 PM :: | ---------------------------------------