Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Heart Scars

It's been nearly a year since I started this blog. Originally, I began writing in anger. I had stumbled upon evidence of an ongoing "virtual affair" EH was having with a Texas blogger. I wrote to vent. I wrote to make sense of my life. I wrote because I needed to talk and had no idea who I could talk to.

It's a strange thing when you are hurt and betrayed by your spouse. You don't want to turn to friends and family for comfort and advice because you hold a tiny, fragile hope that you can be happy together again and you don't want your loved ones poisoned against your lover. You feel alone, lost, dead inside.

I was fortunate that this was only a virtual affair, although it was pretty involved and at least one attempt was made for them to meet in person. It could have been much, much worse. I don't think I would have ever been willing to love my husband completely again if he had consumated the affair in person, as opposed to the phone calls and photos and IMs and emails that they shared. We've been very fortunate to rebuild our life together and overcome a crisis of marriage.

But in some ways, we're scarred for life.

I won't ever fully trust again. Not my husband, not another person. Not myself. If EH and I have a rough time or have to cope with stress, I begin to feel paranoid. I interpret small things as warning signs. I suspect him of everything. I feel the mistrust build inside me. I begin to feel fear and doubt. And in truth, I am much more inclined to run and flee my marriage rather than to ever experience anything like I survived in 2004.

The marks we leave upon people, even strangers, can last a lifetime. EH and I will forever have to face the problems that will always exist between us. The scars may have healed, but will never fully go away. And somewhere, someone else was a party to this. Someone with no regard for my life stepped into it and hurt me. Hurt us. I've come far enough to not care about her existence, but I never stop hoping that kharma catches up with her.

Our life is radically different in so many ways from last year. In some ways, I admit that this experience bettered our life. The price we paid was dear though. To lose the ability to trust people and to forever be expecting hurt again is a hard path.

It's been over a year. June 15th marked the one year moment that I found out. 15 months later and this is how far I've gotten.

I no longer daydream about finding her and punishing her myself. She only crosses my mind from time to time and then it's with more disgust then hate. I no longer watch anxiously for a signal that EH might betray me, but I do still flinch when something strikes me as "off" in our pattern of life. I don't think about it every day, but I do immediately remember it all when EH and I fight. The moment we get heated with one another, which is admittedly not often, I am instantly convinced it could happen again. And my first instinct is that I would rather escape than to ever risk that hurt again. Being betrayed by the one person you love and trust the most is simply devastating.

More than a year later. You never really get over it. You never fully recover what you lost. The scars are always there to remind you.

We have to be careful how we cross people's lives. Consider how your choices might affect someone else's life. Have SOME sense of value for decency and right/wrong and for kindness. Look beyond your own immediate wants and needs before you usurp another person's life - a loved one or a complete stranger. This "other woman" was able to just move on the day I personally booted her out of my husband's life, but her actions and choices will have a lifelong affect on my ability to love and trust. And I was a stranger to her. My husband hasn't recovered from this either. We've made good progress, but he will also have to live with this for the rest of our life together. He will have to cope with my fears, my worries and my doubts. He will have to endure my questions when I feel paranoid. He will have to worry that I might spook and leave the marriage.

We're forever changed. We all have scars.

Posted by Red :: 10:30 PM :: | ---------------------------------------