Friday, February 11, 2005

Hearts & Flowers

Hearts and flowers surround me everywhere I go. But i must admit, there's just a little trepidation for me as Valentine's Day approaches. Last year it was a fairly painful day and I can't help wincing just a little as it draws closer.

I would venture to say that Valentine's Day last year was when I realized I was alone. EH had to work, as usual, and his job had already begun to come between us. I sat home all day, alone, in a dark house and cried. There was no card, no flower, no gesture - not even a word from my husband. It hurt like hell and I think it expedited the problems we were facing. In the few weeks after Valentine's Day, the real problems began.

I can easily and honestly say that we are in a better place today. We are infinitely closer and stronger. We both openly express how happy we both are. There are many times I trace the shape of his face in wonder and whisper to him how awestruck I am to be married to the man of my dreams. To have that one person you are deeply in love with be your husband is such a gift. Ahhh.

But...the ghosts of last Valentine's Day are lingering in the shadows. And, try as I might, they never really go away.

I'm tempted to sit still and quiet and watch to see how EH handles Valentine's Day, but if there is one thing I have learned from all of this, it is that a marriage takes two. There can be no "debt" between us. If I sit back and wait for him to come to me, he may feel unimportant. This was a huge part of our problem last year. To continue on a path together, I must also go to him.

As hurt as I was last Valentine's Day, I hid it. When he came home, I wiped away the tears and went to bed. I knew I couldn't face him without breaking down. He interpreted this as cold and hostile. And a pattern began. Me, hurt and unhappy and sad - trying to hide it from him. Him, looking for signs of life in me and seeing only a woman who kept avoiding him. I was waiting for him to "realize" and come to me. Wrong, wrong, wrong. When one person in the relationship pulls back, you must go to them. It is not a competition, there can be no pride in love. If I had to do it all again, I would go after him and hold him and love him. I would tell him of every tear I cried all those nights alone. I would never let him feel unwanted.

Valentine's Day means a lot to me. The colors dazzle me with the passionate reds that I adore and the saucy, flirty pinks. The heart shapes that the hopeless romantic in me has been doodling my entire life. The sexy, tarty innuendos. The lustful flirting.

This year, I plan to do more than my part to romance, seduce, flirt and dazzle that man of mine. I am reclaiming Valentine's Day for us both.

And it begins tonight...

Throughout this weekend, I plan to fill EH with all the romance, love, fun, sex and passion he can handle. And I'm secretly hoping he'll do the same for me...

And I hope each and every one of you spends Valentine's Day wrapped in a lusty, passionate embrace with someone you love.

Posted by Red :: 12:02 PM :: | ---------------------------------------