Saturday, February 05, 2005

2nd Chances

With so many issues clouding my mind, the only thing certain in my never-ending quest for answers is that there will probably never be any. At least a good part of the dark feelings has subsided for the moment.

EH is asleep now. Sated and happy, as am I. I put on the new outfit we chose last weekend and it served its purpose. A baby pink push-up camisole and panty set trimmed in black lace and a laced up the front on top and bottom in black ribbon. I wore it for about 6 minutes before he demanded it off.

We spoke earlier today about renewing our wedding vows. We have always intended to do it on our 10th wedding anniversary (next year) but in light of the past year, we are going to do it soon in addition. Just him and I, on the beach, at night, alone. We’ll write our own promises to each other and offer them up again. Maybe a little wiser. Maybe a little less naïve.

In our wedding, we wrote our own vows. Part of it was promising to “take responsibility for each others happiness”. We were so foolish. You can never take responsibility for another person’s happiness. You have to find your own happiness – and if you are very lucky, you find someone to share in it with you.

I love my husband. I am in love with my husband. And I do believe he is in love with me. I’m still not sure what that means, or where the boundaries lie…but I’m willing to discover it again.

I watched the movie Secretary last night for the first time with Maggie Gyllenhaal and James Spader. I had thought it would be an erotic flick and was surprised that it turned out to be something different for me.

The dominatrix/submission scene has never been one I could envision EH and I in. For starters, I can’t see him playing the dom and that’s the only way I would be interested in it. I’m a complete type A personality and noted control freak, so for me, giving up control and allowing someone to command me would be so lovely…but unrealistic. The closest EH and I have come to dom/sub is corsetry. I have two corsets – the real ones, not the cutesy trendy ones – that he has enjoyed lacing me into. And because of the constraints of the corset, he who stays the ties holds control. I actually knew a male dom once. For a feisty person like myself it was remarkable that he demonstrated an immediate ability to command me. I guess I have the submissive side in me after all. It wasn’t sexual, just intriguing.

What struck me in Secretary was the love Lee had for Mr. Grey. The way she stayed, palms down, feet in position at the desk for 7+ days waiting for his return. Her suffering was for him and she was rewarded for it. The marriage and glimpse into their life together was intriguing also. Two people with very twisted and different ideas of love found one another and made a life together despite the shock and disapproval of the masses.

It reminded me that love is not perfect. It follows no rules. It comes with pain and joy and confusion and grief. But you are guaranteed to feel - and maybe that’s enough.

I’m going to let myself love after all.

Posted by Red :: 4:05 AM :: | ---------------------------------------