Thursday, February 03, 2005

Doubts

I’ve mentioned before how the dynamics of people and relationships fascinate me. I am no exception to my own curiosity and I have to admit that I even look into myself and question it all.

When a trust is broken, there is no undoing it. It can be reestablished over time, they say, but the betrayal still exists like a scar of a wound that never really heals.

Even now, when things are just lovely and perfect with EH, I question it all.

Why did he chose to betray my trust after 8 years of commitment? Why didn’t he resist or struggle with the temptation to cave in so easily? Why was he not so consumed with guilt that he couldn’t continue on a path of lies and deceit with me?

And why did I stay?

That I love EH is without doubt. I don’t think even one of you who has read this blog would question my love for him. And I do genuinely believe he loves me too. Now. But what happened to the 8 years prior to now? 25% of my life was given to this man.

Why was there no regard for my feelings? No consideration? The intimacy between us was supposed to be something sacred, not something to be shared outside our relationship. Why wouldn’t he honor his promises to me?

I’m far from perfect. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. I certainly have flaws. But I have always been a good wife. I have always seen to it that EH’s needs were met and that he was taken care of. Why did I deserve to be treated with such a lack of respect?

I know another woman who is facing a situation similar to mine. We talk sometimes. It’s remarkable to see her experience the same thoughts and feelings I went through.

Love, faithfulness, respect, consideration. These things should not be demanded in marriage, they should be given freely.

Why wouldn’t I deserve these things from my husband? I certainly gave them.

We are moving forward. We are stronger than ever. But the things that transpired can not be undone or forgotten. They are a permanent part of our history together. And the question I ask myself is this: Can we have a future together, even with both of us truly loving one another, when there has been such a crippling wound to our marriage?

I believe we have something special, something rare together. I just wonder if it can survive with a foundation that has been damaged this way.

It’s painful because I don’t see one person in my life that I feel I can truly count on. Not one person I can trust with my soul. Everyone around me has somehow let me down. Whether it’s mom’s suicide attempt and preoccupation with her new boyfriend, EH’s betrayal, my sister’s sudden intent on a Jerry Springer-esque life or my best friend’s failure to be, well, a best friend unless it fits her schedule or needs.

Regarding EH, I suppose we’ll find out. I committed to trying and that doesn’t change.

Worst case scenario, I got to spend many years with the love of my life and I have a beautiful and brilliant daughter. Even if I got a broken heart out of the deal.

Posted by Red :: 8:38 AM :: | ---------------------------------------